Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

An hour's flight could also cost £100 or more. And now you're accepting yourself that it's unreasonable to stop someone going back to their family's.

Who said she shouldn't go at all?

@Husbandswife if he can't care for the child while you are away, there's not much he can do. Assuming you can't get stuck there, he will either have to suck it up or not.

But no, my child wouldn't be going for a month.

It's terribly possessive and clingy. And doesn't say much about emotional resilience to be aghast at not seeing your child for 30 days.

So I'm not emotionally resilient because I don't want to spend a whole month away from my toddler for no good reason? That's just nonsensical.

YANBU because you’re proposing he comes to spend every weekend with you both anyway and it isn’t as if you’re going to be at the other side of the world for a month, it’s only an hour on a plane. Being away from family is difficult, he should cut you some slack here.

Right, so as an immigrant, do you know other immigrants, because the couples I know all live within Europe, not THAT far away, but it is totally accepted that sometimes the mother and children go home for an extended period in the school holidays.

Yes I do. Many from my own country.

And no, none of them go back for another at a time. Some go for long weekends. Or weeks a few times a year.

I know someone who works in my home city but is from here. He nevers come back for month. He does long weekends or the odd week here and there.

Its an hours flight from my nearest city airport to the nearest city airport to my home town.

Is it really so odd there are people different to you? Even if they are in a similar situation?

@Husbandswife

Moneys not a problem so there’s no reason why he can’t come for weekends, he just finds it boring. We’re living in his home country not mine, so over COVID my family haven’t been able to develop a strong relationship with our child. FaceTime doesn’t work great with a toddler! That’s why I want to go for an extended time, plus I want to see family and all my friends, that takes time. By saying I can’t stay that long with DD means that I can’t stay either, his job means he can’t do childcare alone.

Tell him to stop being such a selfish bellend.

If it's 'boring' don't come 💁🏻‍♀️But it's incredibly selfish and horrible to say you can't take your DD because he said so and the only reason he's saying so is because he doesn't want to go

I'd go, I'd take her. He wouldn't stop me, nothing stopping him coming to see her if he can't cope for a few weeks.

He's saying you can go, but he's controlling you via DD Don't let him.

"But no, my child wouldn't be going for a month."

Again, are you the primary parent? Are you married to an immigrant who is the primary parent and you knew when you got together that they would be visiting their family maybe for longer than a normal holiday?

@GreenCrayon

It's terribly possessive and clingy. And doesn't say much about emotional resilience to be aghast at not seeing your child for 30 days.

So I'm not emotionally resilient because I don't want to spend a whole month away from my toddler for no good reason? That's just nonsensical.

Yes, you could say that.

But it's not all about YOU, is it?

This is about grandparents who have seen their grandchild once in two years. And a Mum who want to go back to her home country for more than a fleeting visit.

Sometimes our own 'wants' have to take a back seat and we put other people first now and then.

@Welbru

"You do realise that train tickets to travel from one end of the UK to another cost quite a bit more than plane tickets? In pre-Covid times the word 'abroad' has no meaning as you can be in Paris in less time than it takes to travel to Glasgow (from London)."

Read the fucking thread. I clarified afterwards that I typed abroad, when I meant away!

"My home country is a 13 hours flight away. Cheapest two way ticket costs 100's of pounds. In my situation yes, my DH would be unreasonable to prevent me from going."

An hour's flight could also cost £100 or more. And now you're accepting yourself that it's unreasonable to stop someone going back to their family's.

It doesn't matter what you typed. Your point was related to 'international couples'. I am saying that the 'international' is a red herring. If you're 'international' but only a short flight away you could be closer to your family (with cheaper transport available) compared to someone who lives in the U.K itself but whose family are on opposite ends.

Also I never said that it's reasonable to stop someone going back to their family. It's the length of time and the need to bring the child for the entire period of time (against the father's wishes) that's being disputed. Not the concept of going back.

For people from an actual far away country : 10+ hour flights, minimum several hundred pounds. A one hour flight is never going to come even close.

I originally thought you were being U but then I saw the hour flight time.

It's a long time to be away from your child but if you can afford for him to come over for extended weekends etc then I've changed my mind.

I can see both points of view. You want to see your family, DH doesnt want to be seperated from his. FWIW, DH hasnt seen his parents in 2 years. My kids, between the ages of 4 and 10, regularly wouldn't see DH for a month. Think the longest ive been away from them us 10 days tho.

Agree with those saying can DH take some leave in the middle and come join you?

He is being very selfish. If money isn’t an issue and he could visit on weekends then why is he saying no? I took our 3yo to my home country for 3 weeks when she was nearly 3.
What are covid cases like in your home country? Is this why he is against the idea?

This is about grandparents who have seen their grandchild once in two years. And a Mum who want to go back to her home country for more than a fleeting visit.

Yes but it's also about a child who should be at the centre of the decision making. Will the 3 year old benefit more from a shorter visit to people who are effectively strangers and then going home to see her father for a while before embarking on another shorter visit or would she benefit more from being away form her father for a whole month?

The child's needs should be at the front of any decision making.

@Welbru

"But no, my child wouldn't be going for a month."

Again, are you the primary parent? Are you married to an immigrant who is the primary parent and you knew when you got together that they would be visiting their family maybe for longer than a normal holiday?

What is this primary parent you speak of?

In the UK decisions like these are based on people who have PR. Not who looks after the child more.

And no, my child wouldn't be going.

Who said op and her husband knew she would be wanting to go away for a month or more?

If they had a prior agreement, that would change the whole situation

@Welbru also to add all of this is based on face value.

TO decide whether the H is actually being U we need the REAL reason as to why he is opposed...

"Is it really so odd there are people different to you? Even if they are in a similar situation?"

I'm single. I was talking about the people I know who are couples from different countries.

"TO decide whether the H is actually being U we need the REAL reason as to why he is opposed..."

I have my suspicions, but can't post on here.

I think he is unreasonable given that he knowingly had a child with someone with close ties to another country who would want to do visits like this.

Its not normal for two people in the uk no. But i think its quite normal for people from different countries.

You also haven't been able to travel for 18 months and have a lot of catching up to do.

If he is able to easily come for weekends i really don't see an issue with you making the most of this opportunity.

"Who said op and her husband knew she would be wanting to go away for a month or more?

If they had a prior agreement, that would change the whole situation"

OP, did you talk about this when you got married? I presume most international couples do. With the people I know, it's something they factor in and plan for.

How does it take 2 people to manage 1 small dc?

Have you asked him how long he thinks would be reasonable? I sympathise with him that a month would feel like a long time to have you and DC away but it feels like a more loving conversation about how to facilitate you spending time with your family would be better. Could you go for 2 weeks, and have him join you for a third week for example?

@GreenCrayon

This is about grandparents who have seen their grandchild once in two years. And a Mum who want to go back to her home country for more than a fleeting visit.

Yes but it's also about a child who should be at the centre of the decision making. Will the 3 year old benefit more from a shorter visit to people who are effectively strangers and then going home to see her father for a while before embarking on another shorter visit or would she benefit more from being away form her father for a whole month?

The child's needs should be at the front of any decision making.

Lots of children benefit from having a strong bond with their grandparents. They won't be strangers after a month, will they?

I'm familiar with this sort of scenario.

Friend from Ireland married a guy in the British forces and lives in the UK.

She spends about a month in Ireland in the summer with her kids.

He might join her for the last week.

For the remaining 11 months of the year her children are on British soil, near his parents, family and childhood friends and not hers.

Her children only have the benefit of seeing her side of the family very irregularly.

Add COVID and a 2 year old and my guess is the OPs parents are strangers to her toddler.

So, yes of course she should go.

An hours flight is nothing.

Neither of you want to go a month without seeing your child that should say it all. Book things which fit for everyone and don’t mean a child doesn’t see their parent

@Unsoliciteddeckpic of course you’re entitled to your own opinion. It is quite sad though that you don’t like your home country enough to want to spend extended periods there.

Your dc can’t experience it from a long weekend or a week (well really 5 days if you take out travel days) as you only have time to do the rounds and see your closest relatives. You’re not wrong for not wanting to do that but neither is the Op who does. There’s something nice about not rushing around and being able to meet up with friends and just do normal day to day things. The Ops dh can come for a week in the middle or for a weekend or two if he wants to. It’s sad that he’s denying his dc to form long lasting and deeper bonds with relatives. My youngest has mainly done zoom / Skype with my family and their bond is nothing like the one their older sibling had at the same age.

Lots of children benefit from having a strong bond with their grandparents. They won't be strangers after a month, will they?

They won't be strangers after 2 or 3 weeks either it doesn't have to be a whole month. There is a compromise to be made between not going at all or the OP insisting on it being a month.