Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

@Welbru

"Is it really so odd there are people different to you? Even if they are in a similar situation?"

I'm single. I was talking about the people I know who are couples from different countries.

So you don't even have personal experience but this is based on what other people say... you have such detailed discussion and inside knowledge of how their marriages work?

Other posters commenting are actually part of an international couple and speaking from lived experience

"It doesn't matter what you typed. Your point was related to 'international couples'. I am saying that the 'international' is a red herring. If you're 'international' but only a short flight away you could be closer to your family (with cheaper transport available) compared to someone who lives in the U.K itself but whose family are on opposite ends."

International couples and those from regions that are far away from each other, I suppose. Yes, you could potentially be close than people who live in the UK, but I would make the same argument for someone from the Scottish Highlands living in Cornwall.

"So you don't even have personal experience but this is based on what other people say... you have such detailed discussion and inside knowledge of how their marriages work?"

It's not particularly personal to know that the mother goes to her home country for a month plus over the summer, is it?

"Other posters commenting are actually part of an international couple and speaking from lived experience"

I think one is, not the majority.

Go for 2 weeks and tell him he can fly out then and take your DC home. Then stay another 2 weeks on your own... it will be nice for you to have a break from looking after your child if you're usually the primary carer and will give him a chance to bond with his child more by taking on that role for a while.

Travelling with a small child is a nightmare so whichever solution you come up with, you should minimise the flights your DC is doing. Much easier for him to fly out for a few days than for you and DC to come back and go again.

@Welbru

"Other posters commenting are actually part of an international couple and speaking from lived experience"

I think one is, not the majority.

There are at least 3, myself included

There's no way my husband would be taking my child away for a month.
Can't you meet him half way and go for two weeks? A month is a bloody long time to be living under families feet aswell, especially with a toddler in a new place surrounded by strangers.

Crikey - what's the issue? Go, have a great holiday?

@AnUnoriginalUsername

There's no way my husband would be taking my child away for a month. Can't you meet him half way and go for two weeks? A month is a bloody long time to be living under families feet aswell, especially with a toddler in a new place surrounded by strangers.

Is your husband the primary carer though?

@Welbru

"Is it really so odd there are people different to you? Even if they are in a similar situation?"

I'm single. I was talking about the people I know who are couples from different countries.

So you aren't in the same situation, apart from you are originally from somewhere else?

Being single, means you can come and go as you please without an impact on someone else. If you wanted to go for 6 months you could.

You seem really really worked up, that some people simply don't agree with you.

Why are you so annoyed that some couples you know do this, but different people think it's unreasonable?

"Why are you so annoyed that some couples you know do this, but different people think it's unreasonable?"

I'm not annoyed, I'm just pointing out that it's normal among international couples, including within Europe where flights may not be so long.

Is your husband the primary carer though?

So only the parent who does a majority of child care is allowed to make decisions for the child. Or miss them?

In my culture it is normal for kids to go and stay with close relatives without parents. I live close to my husband’s parents and I am further away from my family.

However my husband does understand that I am close to my family and lets me visit them without him even though he doesn’t like being apart (and he is not used to this growing up).

There are different ideas: DH can come over at weekends; DH can stay for 2weeks and OP and child could stay 2 further weeks. If DH cannot be bothered with these options despite me living in his home country for 2 years I would be really offended.

I'm not annoyed, I'm just pointing out that it's normal among international couples, including within Europe where flights may not be so long.

Among international you know, you mean.

If you're in his home country, does that mean you see his family regularly? Have they been in DD's life since she was born? Because that changes things for me. If you had moved to a neutral country then maybe he wasn't being unreasonable. You'd both have been in the same boat (or plane). But in this case I think he has to be more flexible. You've given up a lot to prioritise him and maybe his job. He can manage for four weeks.

I'm in a similar set-up with a much longer flight.

It's shit.

You partner needs to suggest a compromise and you can negotiate from there. My DH has gone three weeks and DD is older than yours. He's also done part of a holiday. He's also looked after DD when I've gone alone for a shorter break.

Is your partner a twat or will he compromise?

I see many responses stating, "I couldn't bear to be apart from my child for 4 weeks", or words to that effect. I understand that, of course.

I did not hear OP say it was the reason her husband gave however. I just heard a man saying "NO".

I am left wondering if this is really about the little one at all.

Sounds suspect.

Could be wrong though as OP hasn't given that much to go on.

This is mad. Of course you should go! It's only a month and given the situation i definitely get where you're coming from. My husband would have supported me doing the same if I had had the opportunity as he knows it would benefit our children and me. A month is nothing. Ask him for his suggestions such as he comes for extended week-ends or takes the child back to the UK for the last week. Ask him to outline what exactly is bothering him since he will be working during the week anyway.

@PurpleWaterBlue

I see many responses stating, "I couldn't bear to be apart from my child for 4 weeks", or words to that effect. I understand that, of course.

I did not hear OP say it was the reason her husband gave however. I just heard a man saying "NO".

I am left wondering if this is really about the little one at all.

Sounds suspect.

Could be wrong though as OP hasn't given that much to go on.

Oddly, not every one always assume someone is cunt, unless told otherwise.

What about families where a parent works in the Forces and is away at sea for months on end? Or on rigs- month on, month off? Or sent overseas on a business trip for weeks?

Well, if you've been on here a while, you'd see that those situations often come with a lot of controversy, arguments and difficulty.

I appreciate this is only a one-off, but it's totally acceptable for OP's husband to say he doesn't want to be separated from his small child for such a long period of time.

You haven’t said why he can’t come for the first fortnight, or for the middle 10 days if he has little annual leave etc. A month is a long time but 10-14 days away, knowing your kid is having fun meeting their grandparents and family, isn’t a very big deal.

Well, it's going to have a lot less impact on the child to be away from a parent who is not their primary carer for a few weeks. That's just common sense.

And yes, they will miss their child, but if they can't be bothered to do nursery pick-ups/drop-offs or take the odd bit of leave and care for their child themselves so the primary carer can visit their family alone, they really don't have a leg to stand on.

I think as your family are only an hour away, there is no need it make it a one month stay if DH is not happy about it. You need to come up with something that is acceptable to both of you, a starting point might be to reduce the one month, to say two weeks.

I know the post was about the child, but I can’t imagine a scenario where either me or DH would choose to spend a month apart from each other in order to visit family! We have spent a month apart a couple of times but only because of staggered international moves.

@SlothinSpirit

Well, it's going to have a lot less impact on the child to be away from a parent who is not their primary carer for a few weeks. That's just common sense.

And yes, they will miss their child, but if they can't be bothered to do nursery pick-ups/drop-offs or take the odd bit of leave and care for their child themselves so the primary carer can visit their family alone, they really don't have a leg to stand on.

We have no idea if that is the situation.

Op says he can't do all the childcare alone. Maybe she can't either. Op works, so while she may look after the child more (she hasn't actually said that) it may only be marginally more than the dh.

People are just adding bits in to suit their narrative.

Of course if Op comes had said he said no, just because, doesn't normally bother with the child and is generally controlling then the answers would be different.

But I am not going to add those bits in.

Go for three weeks then.
I wish I'd spent more time with my dc with family back home, while I still had them. Visits with dh were always shorter than I would like - understandably, it's not as easy staying with your mil as your mum! (Usually).
It doesn't sound good that your dh is saying "you can't take our child", rather than saying how much he would miss you both and couldn't you go for a shorter time. Does he always speak to you like that?