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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing family for a month, DH says no

428 replies

Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 18:54

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenCrayon · 16/07/2021 19:31

@gillysSong

YANBU, he isn't even willing to discuss it, does he think he's in charge of you?
The OP hasn't said he's unwilling to discuss it just that if the OP goes for a whole month she cannot take the child as he doesn't want to be away form them for that long.

I'm sure if they discussed it they would be able to come up with a much fairer solution than him not seeing his child for 4 weeks.

PurpleOkapi · 16/07/2021 19:31

He's not telling her she can't go. He specifically said she could go if she wanted. He's telling her she can't take their child for a month. Bit of a difference there.

gillysSong · 16/07/2021 19:33

Not much difference. I'm sure OP's family would like to see their child, a bit stupid going without them.
He isn't prepared to discuss it from what the OP said, just an ultimation.
Must be weird discussions going on in peoples home if they think this was one.

RickJames · 16/07/2021 19:36

YANBU when you live in an other country its totally normal to go away for a while.

Unless your husband is super involved then just do it. Personally, I've spent months on my own whilst my husband has worked abroad and just been generally unavailable due to work. I'd never factor his opinions into anything relating to childcare.

However, if your husband is at home and cares for your child then I'd listen to him. Talk to him.

wildseas · 16/07/2021 19:38

Why don't you go for 4 weeks. Take the child with you, they stay for 2 weeks, husband comes to visit for the weekend and then child goes home with husband for the last two.
A couple of weeks chill time with your family with no kids sounds ideal!!!

DreamingofTimbuktu · 16/07/2021 19:41

Yes @wildseas and others suggestion sounds great. Or alternatively your husband joins you for a week in the middle and leaves your child with you

LittleBearPad · 16/07/2021 19:41

Can’t you all go for a week or two and then you stay. A month is a long time

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:41

This is totally normal for international couples. The fathers often visit for some of the time.
It's something you have to accept if you have children with someone whose family lives far away imo.

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:42

@Gardenwalldilema

Go twice for a week, a month is far too long.
Who's rich enough to buy flights/long-distance trains like that?
CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 19:42

@gillysSong

Not much difference. I'm sure OP's family would like to see their child, a bit stupid going without them. He isn't prepared to discuss it from what the OP said, just an ultimation. Must be weird discussions going on in peoples home if they think this was one.
She never said that. Stop making things up. Also OP's family can see the child whether in 2 weeks. Doesn't need an entire month. We're not getting the full story here...
warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 19:42

@Welbru

This is totally normal for international couples. The fathers often visit for some of the time. It's something you have to accept if you have children with someone whose family lives far away imo.
But the flight is only an hour - so not really the same.
speakout · 16/07/2021 19:44

A month away from your child????

Why do you need to go for a month?

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:45

"But the flight is only an hour - so not really the same."

Why is it not the same. An hour's flight means the family lives quite far abroad. Most people can't afford to go for a week, come back and then fly again and it makes no sense. Go for a month and you're only paying for one return flight. It makes perfect sense in school holidays if the mother doesn't work or can work from abroad.

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:45

*far away I mean, not necessarily abroad.

User135792468 · 16/07/2021 19:45

Those commenting how unreasonable your dh is obviously don’t live away from home. It’s lovely to be able to take your child back and spend an extended time with family so they can get to know the child in a way they can’t in a week long visit. There’s no reason your dh can’t come part way through the month if he wants to. There are plenty of times on here I think people are ridiculous with their Ltb comments but this for me would be a dealbreaker and something I couldn’t forgive if my dh stopped this. For me it is a lack of understanding of the sacrifice it is to settle and raise a family in a country that’s not your own.

Vetyveriohohoh · 16/07/2021 19:46

No way would either of us want to not see our child for a month. DC1 had a different dad and when he takes them on holiday for 2 weeks I’m desperate to see them by the end of it.

YABU

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:46

@Welbru

"But the flight is only an hour - so not really the same."

Why is it not the same. An hour's flight means the family lives quite far abroad. Most people can't afford to go for a week, come back and then fly again and it makes no sense. Go for a month and you're only paying for one return flight. It makes perfect sense in school holidays if the mother doesn't work or can work from abroad.

Given op thinks they can afford for the dh to fly there and back on the weekends.

I am guessing they can afford for op to fly there and back twice

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:47

Also, is there a quarantine? In which case, going for just 2 weeks makes no sense. I know loads of people going home for longer periods now and on top of that we don't know when travel will be allowed again.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:48

@User135792468

Those commenting how unreasonable your dh is obviously don’t live away from home. It’s lovely to be able to take your child back and spend an extended time with family so they can get to know the child in a way they can’t in a week long visit. There’s no reason your dh can’t come part way through the month if he wants to. There are plenty of times on here I think people are ridiculous with their Ltb comments but this for me would be a dealbreaker and something I couldn’t forgive if my dh stopped this. For me it is a lack of understanding of the sacrifice it is to settle and raise a family in a country that’s not your own.
No I definitely don't live in another country to my parents....oh wait. Yes I do.
GreenCrayon · 16/07/2021 19:48

An hour's flight means the family lives quite far abroad. Most people can't afford to go for a week, come back and then fly again and it makes no sense. Go for a month and you're only paying for one return flight.

Given that the OP has suggested her husband could fly out and back again each weekend I doubt money is an issue. Expecting him to spend every weekend flying back and forth to see his own child for a few hours is much more unreasonable than the OP going for a week coming back and going again a week or 2 later.

Welbru · 16/07/2021 19:48

"Given op thinks they can afford for the dh to fly there and back on the weekends.

I am guessing they can afford for op to fly there and back twice"

Different things. The DH probably has to work or doesn't want to be at his in-laws for a whole month because of a language barrier or whatever. OP is happy to stay for a month so why waste money with multiple flights.
The DH can also fly there for a week or something if he has time off, I suppose.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:49

@Welbru

Also, is there a quarantine? In which case, going for just 2 weeks makes no sense. I know loads of people going home for longer periods now and on top of that we don't know when travel will be allowed again.
There can't be as op has said dh could fly on weekends.
warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 19:49

@Welbru

"But the flight is only an hour - so not really the same."

Why is it not the same. An hour's flight means the family lives quite far abroad. Most people can't afford to go for a week, come back and then fly again and it makes no sense. Go for a month and you're only paying for one return flight. It makes perfect sense in school holidays if the mother doesn't work or can work from abroad.

An hour's flight is only France, or even Scotland from southern England though - it's not comparable to say, the US or Australia and it's certainly not far.

And given OP has suggested her husband "fly out at weekends" I'm sure they can afford to go for a week, come back, and go back for another week.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:50

@Welbru

"Given op thinks they can afford for the dh to fly there and back on the weekends.

I am guessing they can afford for op to fly there and back twice"

Different things. The DH probably has to work or doesn't want to be at his in-laws for a whole month because of a language barrier or whatever. OP is happy to stay for a month so why waste money with multiple flights.
The DH can also fly there for a week or something if he has time off, I suppose.

That doesn't make sense.

I was specifically talking about the point you made about op affording it.

If they can afford for the dh to fly there and back on weekends, they can afford for op to go, come back and the go again.

Trenisenne · 16/07/2021 19:51

I live an hour flight away in a different country. I’d say do it before they start school and it becomes more difficult. I should have done it more…

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