Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

YANBU. Some posters really don't understand what it's like to live away from family. Your DH married you knowing you are an immigrant/have family abroad and it just comes with the territory, especially give the pandemic.

@Unsoliciteddeckpic Then there is something very odd if you don’t understand why someone would want to go back to their home town and see all of their family and friends and be in the place they grew up and make memories with their own dc there.

@Husbandswife

It’s not a long trip away, it’s only an hour flight so he could come for weekends. I’m not working in September, so that’s why I’m able to go. And no, there’s no way he could do drop off/pick up etc on his own, it takes both of us

I think you may be able to talk him round, Husbandwife. I expect he is panicking about missing you and your child but you can't really leave a three year old at home. It will be nice if husband can come out for weekends and your daughter or son will have a fuss made of her by your family.

Good luck.

Goodness, there are some frankly rather weird responses here.

Surely 4 weeks away is nothing?

What about families where a parent works in the Forces and is away at sea for months on end? Or on rigs- month on, month off? Or sent overseas on a business trip for weeks?

You'd think the OP had said 6 months, not 4 weeks!

OP your H is being silly. If you have not seen your family other than once in 2 years, it's perfectly reasonable to spend time with them.

I'm not sure they live overseas or an hour's flight is eg London to Edinburgh/ Aberdeen, but come on- he needs to man up.

[quote User135792468]@Unsoliciteddeckpic Then there is something very odd if you don’t understand why someone would want to go back to their home town and see all of their family and friends and be in the place they grew up and make memories with their own dc there.[/quote]
There's something odd because o
I don't agree the op should take her child away for a month?

Do you really struggle to understand that people in the same situations can also have a different opinion?

And no I would take my child away for a month, back home, and expect the child's father to work all week and then the weekend travelling to see the child.

Where did o say op should never want to go home?

That’s a very long time

Could you go on Mon 6th and come back on Fri 24th? That way your husband will only miss 2 weekends in September but you'll get to see your family for 18 out of the 30 days

What about families where a parent works in the Forces and is away at sea for months on end? Or on rigs- month on, month off? Or sent overseas on a business trip for weeks?

Non of this applies here.

And that's usually very difficult for the families involved.

@Welbru

"But the flight is only an hour - so not really the same."

Why is it not the same. An hour's flight means the family lives quite far abroad. Most people can't afford to go for a week, come back and then fly again and it makes no sense. Go for a month and you're only paying for one return flight. It makes perfect sense in school holidays if the mother doesn't work or can work from abroad.

You do realise that train tickets to travel from one end of the UK to another cost quite a bit more than plane tickets? In pre-Covid times the word 'abroad' has no meaning as you can be in Paris in less time than it takes to travel to Glasgow (from London).

Given that info going for a month is unreasonable. Especially if there's a risk that they could both get stuck due to changing Covid rules.

My home country is a 13 hours flight away. Cheapest two way ticket costs 100's of pounds. In my situation yes, my DH would be unreasonable to prevent me from going.

But a one hour flight is nothing.

Surely 4 weeks away is nothing?
For you maybe but I don't think people are weird to not want to spend a month away from their child if they don't need to such as for work etc.

Neither me or my husband would want to be away from our young child for that long it might work for some but it doesn't make someone weird for not wanting to do it.

"And no I would take my child away for a month, back home, and expect the child's father to work all week and then the weekend travelling to see the child."

But do you live far away from your family or in another country and you haven't seen them over the pandemic.
As I said, the international couples I know do this and it's something both of them know when they get married.

I would say no to that too; go for a week

I would struggle to be away from my 3 year old for a month.
Is it too difficult to imagine other parents may feel the same?

Also to add most UK people won't have gone to stay with their family for a month with only their infant child. The distance as mentioned is very likely to be more than an hour as well.
So the 'immigrant etc etc' angle is a red herring really... it is not quite relevant

@Welbru

"And no I would take my child away for a month, back home, and expect the child's father to work all week and then the weekend travelling to see the child."

But do you live far away from your family or in another country and you haven't seen them over the pandemic.
As I said, the international couples I know do this and it's something both of them know when they get married.

Yes....I do. As I have already said.

"You do realise that train tickets to travel from one end of the UK to another cost quite a bit more than plane tickets? In pre-Covid times the word 'abroad' has no meaning as you can be in Paris in less time than it takes to travel to Glasgow (from London)."

Read the fucking thread. I clarified afterwards that I typed abroad, when I meant away!

"My home country is a 13 hours flight away. Cheapest two way ticket costs 100's of pounds. In my situation yes, my DH would be unreasonable to prevent me from going."

An hour's flight could also cost £100 or more. And now you're accepting yourself that it's unreasonable to stop someone going back to their family's.

"The distance as mentioned is very likely to be more than an hour as well.
So the 'immigrant etc etc' angle is a red herring really... it is not quite relevant"

An hour's flight is not an hour in the car though is it. There's getting to the airport, the wait at the airport, etc. It could be 6 hours-ish in total.

Moneys not a problem so there’s no reason why he can’t come for weekends, he just finds it boring.
We’re living in his home country not mine, so over COVID my family haven’t been able to develop a strong relationship with our child. FaceTime doesn’t work great with a toddler! That’s why I want to go for an extended time, plus I want to see family and all my friends, that takes time. By saying I can’t stay that long with DD means that I can’t stay either, his job means he can’t do childcare alone.

@speakout

I would struggle to be away from my 3 year old for a month. Is it too difficult to imagine other parents may feel the same?

Are you the primary parent though? And are you married to a primary parent who comes from far away and did you know when you got married that there would be long visits home?

@GreenCrayon

Surely 4 weeks away is nothing? For you maybe but I don't think people are weird to not want to spend a month away from their child if they don't need to such as for work etc.

Neither me or my husband would want to be away from our young child for that long it might work for some but it doesn't make someone weird for not wanting to do it.

It's terribly possessive and clingy. And doesn't say much about emotional resilience to be aghast at not seeing your child for 30 days.

FGS we have IT that makes it possible to do zoom, facetime, whatever.

My DH used to travel internationally and could be away for 3 weeks on the other side of the planet. I just got on with looking after the DCs with no family around at all.

I think he's being selfish. You live away from your family and haven't seen them in ages. It's not the same doing a few short visits as it is being there for a month, it's just not. You have a whole month free in September, it makes sense.

People carping on about not seeing their child for a month need to get a grip. It'll go quickly and he's being selfish to deny the opportunity for her & her child to spend time with her family. He can go out in the middle if he really can't get a grip & cope for a month 🙄

When you live away from your family these things need to be accommodated.

"We’re living in his home country not mine, "

Right, so you're making a sacrifice for him. The least he can do is allow you to go home for a month.

Yanbu. We lived in Australia and I came back in my own to the Uk with dds aged 13mo and not quite 3yo in 2012. Dh was fine with this. We were 3 weeks. I would’ve liked longer, but at the time flights dictated the price.

Moneys not a problem so there’s no reason why he can’t come for weekends, he just finds it boring.

To be fair I'd find the prospect of flying there and back again every weekend quite boring too.

What compromises have you suggested or have you said its the whole month no exceptions? Is there no way any of your family can come to see you?

"Yes....I do. As I have already said."

Right, so as an immigrant, do you know other immigrants, because the couples I know all live within Europe, not THAT far away, but it is totally accepted that sometimes the mother and children go home for an extended period in the school holidays.