Page 16 | Seeing family for a month, DH says no

Husbandswife · 2021-07-16T17:54:47+00:00

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

LittleBearPad · 18/07/2021 10:00

@Husbandswife

Why make my child fly back for a few days when the dad can fly for the same time with less hassle?

‘My child’, ‘the Dad’. Interesting terminology OP.

You could go for less time but you seem determined to not compromise.

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 10:10

he isn’t overriding her, he’s looking for a compromise

Read the OP and the thread title.

LittleBearPad · 18/07/2021 10:11

@Blossomtoes

he isn’t overriding her, he’s looking for a compromise

Read the OP and the thread title.

And?

It doesn’t say she can’t take DC for less than a month. It doesn’t entertain that option as a possibility

Sirzy · 18/07/2021 10:15

From what has been posted it is pretty clear it the OP who isn’t willing to compromise. She has booked it behind his back and basically said he has to get on with it

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 10:21

@Sirzy

From what has been posted it is pretty clear it the OP who isn’t willing to compromise. She has booked it behind his back and basically said he has to get on with it

After he refused to join her for a weekend or two because it’s “boring”. Is that willingness to compromise or is it bloody mindedness? That was OP’s suggestion and it was met with a hard no. It’s unbelievable how many women would just roll over.

AhNowTed · 18/07/2021 10:23

[quote Almondcroissant25]@AhNowTed he doesn’t want her to go for a whole month, he wants compromise. He doesn’t want her to not go altogether.[/quote]

No he doesn't. He said SHE can go but the child can't.

LittleBearPad · 18/07/2021 10:25

No he doesn't. He said SHE can go but the child can't.

For a month.

No idea what’s been said about a fortnight etc

DolphinFC · 18/07/2021 10:44

Just do it. Go!

It's not like he has any rights or say in it. Leave HIM at home to earn the money so you can do whatever you want.

Men!!! AARRGGGG....

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2021 11:34

If this was a father doing it to a mother, there would be uproar. the father is very rarely the primary carer so this is irrelevant. Separation from the primary carer for weeks is not ideal, but many many babies and children don’t see their dad for weeks and are completely unharmed by this. I’ve had mine for 3 weeks a few times in another country from dh to see family would never have happened the other way around when they are small.

DolphinFC · 18/07/2021 13:47

Exactly times

Fathers are irrelevant.

OP, she's YOUR child. You get to decide.

Jasmeen · 18/07/2021 13:49

Another one saying go for it. Really struggling to see what the big deal is here.

PeterIsACockwomble · 18/07/2021 14:03

@timeisnotaline

In this case, the OP isn't the primary carer. They both work f/t.

The OP chose to marry this man, knowing it meant she wouldn't be physically close to her family, and chose to have a child with him on the same basis. She is being very, very selfish now to say she's taking their child away for that long.

She is also ignoring the best interests of the child.

PeterIsACockwomble · 18/07/2021 14:03

@DolphinFC

Exactly times

Fathers are irrelevant.

OP, she's YOUR child. You get to decide.

Oh honestly.

Halfwaytoholiday · 18/07/2021 14:16

I don't think it is necessarily the case that when both parents work full time the mother is not the primary carer. I'm sure we can all think of ways in which a mother can end up being the main contact for all child related things, the main comforter and feeder and clother of her child. Don't know about in this particular case, but it is often the way.

NewlyGranny · 18/07/2021 14:20

Goodness! So many doormats surrendered wives on this thread!

Have just checked and it doesn't seem to be a zombie thread from 1951... 🤔

AhNowTed · 18/07/2021 14:27

[quote PeterIsACockwomble]@timeisnotaline

In this case, the OP isn't the primary carer. They both work f/t.

The OP chose to marry this man, knowing it meant she wouldn't be physically close to her family, and chose to have a child with him on the same basis. She is being very, very selfish now to say she's taking their child away for that long.

She is also ignoring the best interests of the child.[/quote]

As he chose to marry her knowing she is from another country.

It cuts both ways.

How on earth is a visit to see her family, ie the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles etc not in their best interest!

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 14:47

@NewlyGranny

Goodness! So many doormats surrendered wives on this thread!

Have just checked and it doesn't seem to be a zombie thread from 1951... 🤔

What exactly about this thread that could be from 1951?

Is the shared parenting?

The belief that a father should be an equ parent to the mother?

Is the two working parent household?

The many people that travel to see their family and work and raise kids, with a partner that usually takes on half the responsibilities too?

PeterIsACockwomble · 18/07/2021 14:52

@AhNowTed It isn't in the child's best interests because the child is the age she is. She is not of an age when she can appreciate being away, meeting people and so on. She's of an age when she'll enjoy the novelty of it for a short while, and will then want to go home and to get back to her normality. Three-year-olds love normality. They don't love being shipped around. It might - just might - be slightly different if the OP were a SAHM, as the child would at least have the 'normality' of being solely with her mum. Even then, though, it's a long time to go without her dad. It's lovely for the relatives, obviously, to get to know their little grandchild/niece, and it's crap that Covid came along and prevented more and shorter visits.

I don't see why the OP couldn't, now, revert to her earlier routine of making more, shorter, visits. Unless there's a very pressing reason why September is the only month she can have off work? Even then, it would arguably be nicer for the child to spend some time at home with her, rather than spending the entire time travelling and visiting.

PeterIsACockwomble · 18/07/2021 14:55

I suppose that, leaving aside the husband/wife dimension, I feel quite strongly that three-year-olds aren't exhibits. They are routine-bound little creatures. If my DD had a three-year-old, I think I'd be suggesting that I visit them instead.

NewlyGranny · 18/07/2021 15:03

None of the above, Whiskycav. It's the "Child's father knows best, do what your husband orders you to, don't question his right to command obedience, he earns all the money," brigade.

Doris Day will be along in a moment to tilt her head to one side and do a tinkly laugh, no doubt. 🙄

RuggerHug · 18/07/2021 15:05

OP have you considered what could happen when travel restrictions change? Because you're saying it's only a month but if you can't get back in or have to quarantine that's more time onto it. Is he worried about that because that would be my main concern if my DC was travelling internationally for any reason now.

CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 15:09

@NewlyGranny

None of the above, Whiskycav. It's the "Child's father knows best, do what your husband orders you to, don't question his right to command obedience, he earns all the money," brigade.

Doris Day will be along in a moment to tilt her head to one side and do a tinkly laugh, no doubt. 🙄

Nobody has said that. In fact it’s quite the opposite- posters on the DH’s side have suggested further discussion and those on the OP’s side have said it’s her right to take the child away regardless of what he thinks.

AhNowTed · 18/07/2021 15:10

@PeterIsACockwomble I think kids are a bit more resilient than that. And we're not talking about traipsing round the country, she'd be staying with nanny and grandad.

I spent my kids childhood watching as my sisters and their kids had get togethers, kids playing in the garden, days down the beach, in the relaxed atmosphere of normal everyday togetherness and familiarity.

My kids never had that and if I could turn the clock back I would do exactly as the OP.

Almondcroissant25 · 18/07/2021 16:29

@NewlyGranny

None of the above, Whiskycav. It's the "Child's father knows best, do what your husband orders you to, don't question his right to command obedience, he earns all the money," brigade.

Doris Day will be along in a moment to tilt her head to one side and do a tinkly laugh, no doubt. 🙄

You must be a man hater. Nowhere has anybody said these things. People think the OP should compromise and take the father’s feelings into account as he is also a parent to this child and they are part of a union - how backwards of us all!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/07/2021 16:52

I don't know why you couldn't have compromised and gone for 3 weeks instead of the full month.

I know you have a lot of responses on this thread, but I have actually been in your situation, without the ability for DH to join us (willingly or not) and 3 weeks was long enough at that age for my DSs.