Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

YANBU.

I've been doing this for 23 years and it's been brilliant for the kids. They've got experience of living in two countries and grew up bilingual. I wouldn't have allowed my DH to stop me and at no point would he have been willing or able to look after our kids for that long on his own. But thankfully he has supported my desire for the kids to have a close relationship with my family. We learned the hard way that relationships like ours do require adjustments that couples where both partners come from the same country don't have to make. This is just one of them. I'm not sure many people who have never been in this situation can understand the dynamics either, of being an immigrant and having none of your family in the country.

So, yes, I understand why you want to go and I think it's a reasonable plan. Especially since your DH knows fine well that if he forbids you from taking your DC for a month it really means he's stopping you from going for a month because he cannot look after your DC for a month by himself anyway.

I was away for far longer when my first was preschool age btw, but once we reached school age, our visits had to be shorter. It's typically five weeks in the summer now and DH usually joins us for a week or two.

I hope you manage to go OP. It was hard for us not being able to see my family for so long because of the pandemic, but we have just gone to see them and it's wonderful to be together again.

@LucindaT71

My father had seen my children since the a year before the pandemic. I still wouldn’t take my child to him for a month. Without my DH if he wasn’t happy with the idea.

I would go, you are entitled to see your family & friends, particularly if its a different language/culture. You husband is not your boss, he could come periodically but doesn't want the hassle.
Poor Diddums.
Do not give in, you are an individual & he is not your boss.
He could refuse & flag it to make it difficult at the customs, if he did this I would leave him

Me too Charlieparley, being severed from all family, friends, language, traditions is not easy.
My DC are all fully bilingual, they both have progressed massively in their careers from having both languages & being confident & well travelled.

I was brought up in a different country from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins because my parents emigrated. My children were brought up in a different country from both parents' extended families, too, because we repatriated after we got married! Now DD2 has emigrated abroad to marry.

She didn't choose the country; she fell in love with the man. It's different from choosing where you'll live as her parents and both sets of grandparents all did. She has made sacrifices, being unable to work until a lengthy process of checks and form-filling went on. Her career ground to a halt and she has more hoops to jump through before her qualifications are recognised, though she has walked into a very suitable job in her field the moment her work permit came through.

She would have been home once, probably twice by now, were it not for Covid, but they agreed annual trips for her as part of the deal they thrashed out before they tied the knot.

She has a law degree, so she thought about all the implications, but I think most people are smart enough to look ahead and think about what they will need to agree without needing legal training!

She would never have chosen to live where she does but for the man. His job couldn't flex, being geographically determined, but hers could. 🤷🏼‍♀️

some posts here are just bizarre to me. I spent a month away from my mum every summer, and my mum has taken my kids away for weeks at a time, i think my eldest was away for a month with her one summer.
What on earth is the big deal.

@NewlyGranny

I was brought up in a different country from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins because my parents emigrated. My children were brought up in a different country from both parents' extended families, too, because we repatriated after we got married! Now DD2 has emigrated abroad to marry.

She didn't choose the country; she fell in love with the man. It's different from choosing where you'll live as her parents and both sets of grandparents all did. She has made sacrifices, being unable to work until a lengthy process of checks and form-filling went on. Her career ground to a halt and she has more hoops to jump through before her qualifications are recognised, though she has walked into a very suitable job in her field the moment her work permit came through.

She would have been home once, probably twice by now, were it not for Covid, but they agreed annual trips for her as part of the deal they thrashed out before they tied the knot.

She has a law degree, so she thought about all the implications, but I think most people are smart enough to look ahead and think about what they will need to agree without needing legal training!

She would never have chosen to live where she does but for the man. His job couldn't flex, being geographically determined, but hers could. 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s another thing OP hasn’t responded to. What was actually agreed to when they married

Given Covid though it would be different because even if they had ‘agreed’ several annual trips they wouldn’t have happened

A lot of people are assuming that he doesn't want the trip because he can't bear to be parted form his daughter for a month. What if he's just controlling and using the DD as a way of achieving that? We none of us know.

What does seem clear is that the OP has given up a lot to live in his country where maybe they see his family regularly, and who have been an ever present in the DD's life, but OP isn't allowed to see her family unless he gets to dictate the terms.

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.

If I were treated with such contempt by my spouse, I would separate from them and take steps to ensure they cannot leave the country with my child.

why on earth would someone leave their spouse for taking their child to see their family abroad? Surely you realise this is going to happen sometimes if you have children with someone from another country?
The guy is going to be working the whole time anyway.

My partner is not british and hes taken the children several times to see his family without me. Of course I miss them but its important for them to know their family.

If my partner tried to stop me taking the children to visit family then id find that really upsetting, and if he was saying both that I could go but had to leave the child, and then also saying he couldnt come visit because of work commitments, then id think he was being a dick for the sake of it, and completely out of touch with the realities of having international family

I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.

He should divorce you if you really do this. Then he can stop you from taking your shared child out of the country without his permission. You’re equal parents. You’re acting completely unreasonably.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.

He should divorce you if you really do this. Then he can stop you from taking your shared child out of the country without his permission. You’re equal parents. You’re acting completely unreasonably.

Why? Why is this any worse than saying she can’t take her child away when he has to work and won’t be able to look after them if they’re left behind? He’s the one behaving unreasonably. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

I'd be really upset if dh took my kids away for a month.

@shouldistop

I'd be really upset if dh took my kids away for a month.

Are you or your DH from another country?

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.

He should divorce you if you really do this. Then he can stop you from taking your shared child out of the country without his permission. You’re equal parents. You’re acting completely unreasonably.

Are you or your DH from another country?

I can understand wanting to spend time with your family, but if it's only an hour's flight why can't you go more than once? Go for a week or ten days and then come home for a few days, then go back for another week or so. Is there a reason this wouldn't work?

Is there more to this than you're mentioning.
Does he have reason to think you might not come back. What's the relationship like? Is he controlling. Have you tried to leave before. Who has the child's passport?

Some posters on here must have very strange marriages and very small lives.
To be clear, he’s not going to divorce me for going, or call the police to stop me. He’ll just have a huff, give in and come for a weekend.

My family isn’t just made up of partners and a child, there are grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc too. People who have been really hurt by not seeing us and would love to spend lots of quality time together. Friends of 30 years who are like family too. Expecting all those people to come and visit individually is crazy and an awful lot of hosting on our part.
Pre pandemic, our arrangement fell into a week or long weekend every six weeks or so (although there were extended visits when I was on mat leave). The last two years have been an exception - first because of work commitments then the different Covid rules and shielding requirements.

Why make my child fly back for a few days when the dad can fly for the same time with less hassle?

why on earth would someone leave their spouse for taking their child to see their family abroad? Surely you realise this is going to happen sometimes if you have children with someone from another country?

It not for just taking their child to see their family abroad. It's for doing it without coming to an agreement about it. Essentially, the OP's husband has said 'i don't want this, I don't want to be away from our shared child for that long, you're welcome to go i won't control you, but DC id as much mine as yours' and OP has said 'tough i'm doing it anyway, i'm taking DC away for a month and you don't get any say over it' (also implying he is the lesser parent) If my partner disrespected me that much to not even try and reach a compromise but instead knowingly go ahead with something i strongly disagreed with (especially relating to our DC), i'd strongly consider leaving them too.

Not to mention they have shared PR. If the DH wants it he can easily stop OP taking the DC out of the country and OP could even (in an extreme case) be brought under kidnapping charges. And actually, from the DH's POV, it would be easier to ensure OP never tried to take his child away from him for a month+ by getting court ordered contact arrangements and a court order to require both parents permission for DC to leave the country.

I absolutely would split up with my DP if they tried to take my three year old away from me for a month without my consent.

I am surprised how many PP would be cool with this.

So basically you are willing to guilt trip him into not seeing his son for a month

If he can come for weekends I don't see the issue? I took the kids back to my home country for a few months at the beginning of the year. We hadn't seen family in 2 years and no idea when we'd have another chance, but it was really hard. A month would have been fine, particularly if he'd come for a weekend halfway through!

@Husbandswife somewhat rarely for a Mumsnet poster you don’t seem to be a pushover.
You’ve made up your mind and seem fully aware of your DH behaviour (e.g that he’d sulk then come for a weekend).
What then is the point of this thread?
Votes are evenly split as they should be - this is one of those things that’s very situation dependent.

@Husbandswife

Some posters on here must have very strange marriages and very small lives. To be clear, he’s not going to divorce me for going, or call the police to stop me. He’ll just have a huff, give in and come for a weekend. My family isn’t just made up of partners and a child, there are grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc too. People who have been really hurt by not seeing us and would love to spend lots of quality time together. Friends of 30 years who are like family too. Expecting all those people to come and visit individually is crazy and an awful lot of hosting on our part. Pre pandemic, our arrangement fell into a week or long weekend every six weeks or so (although there were extended visits when I was on mat leave). The last two years have been an exception - first because of work commitments then the different Covid rules and shielding requirements.

absolutely. Extended family is so important