Page 13 | Seeing family for a month, DH says no

Husbandswife · 2021-07-16T17:54:47+00:00

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

Namenic · 17/07/2021 11:00

Castawayqueen - I didn’t exactly choose to be an immigrant as my parents moved around. It is also very normal in my culture for kids to be looked after by aunts, uncles, grandparents for several weeks without parents (but I know it is not for DH).

4 weeks is too long; but it’s also too much for DH to travel for a weekend; and you wouldn’t want to spend time with ‘boring’ in laws. Doesn’t sound like much compromise or appreciation of spouse being far from family.

What would be your compromises to a partner who has lived far away from their family and misses them and would like their child to experience their culture? Personally if I were OP I’d be trying to negotiate for the long term (eg assurances like twice per year for 2 weeks) rather than just focussing on short term (unless relatives are sick).

Octopuscake · 17/07/2021 11:02

Obviously at times he's missed his DDs but can see what they gain

This comment from a poster who is in a similar situation sums it up, really. If you partner want to take the child to their family for a month, and you have confidence the child will be well looked after with one parent with whom they have a solid bond, and you absolutely trust your partner to care for the child...then it's just your own feelings and missing the child.

Thinking back, I'd have felt uneasy about leaving 3 year old with DH for a month because I genuinely felt I was slightly more the primary bond of the child. If OP's DH feels like he is the slightly-more-primary carer that would be a legitimate point. But I suspect it is still really unusual for a 3 year old to be more bonded to dad than mum - the first year is pretty much mum specially if you are feeding, and thereafter it depends on the hours you each put in.

So I can't tell if OP is BU or her DH, until i know who is actually the one the child needs most.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 11:04

[quote AhNowTed]@warmfluffytowels I assure you I didn't "choose" this at all.

How disrespectful. Not all immigrants have much of a choice.

And even if I take your point to it's logical conclusion, he "chose" to marry an immigrant, so perhaps he also needs to suck it up.
[/quote]
How is it disrespectful?

My parents are immigrants and moved here for what they felt was a better life. The pay off was that they didn't see their families.

Most people who immigrate here do it through choice.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 11:13

@warmfluffytowels a very difficult choice.

And yes early on I didn't get to phone, never mind see my family.

Thankfully air travel doesn't cost a months wages anymore.

As I said before, he also chose to marry an immigrant. The child has every right to experience both families, and the OP hasn't seen hers for 2 years.

Namenic · 17/07/2021 11:21

Warm fluffy towels - when DH married me, I made it clear extended family were important to me. I live in his preferred location; but he is very generous in spending time with my family. He made a choice to marry me. If he didn’t appreciate the fact this was important to me, I’d find that disrespectful.

It is normal in my culture for people to be away from spouse and kids for a few weeks. But I know it is not for DH. It’s fine if you don’t place importance on seeing your family abroad. But what compromises would you make if you were married to someone who did?

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 11:25

But seeing both families doesn't have to mean taking a 3yo away from one of her parents for an extended period of time.

OP says finances aren't an issue so maybe she should think about splitting the time up, or allowing her DH to have their DD for half of the time.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 11:29

@warmfluffytowels

But seeing both families doesn't have to mean taking a 3yo away from one of her parents for an extended period of time.

OP says finances aren't an issue so maybe she should think about splitting the time up, or allowing her DH to have their DD for half of the time.

Yes quite. So can we drop the immigrants just need to suck it up, they chose to live here narrative please.

VeryQuaintIrene · 17/07/2021 11:33

4 weeks in 2 years really doesn't seem excessive to me, especially since the small child hasn't yet had a chance to get to know some close relatives, who should also be important in her life.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 11:41

I never said they needed to suck it up @AhNowTed - that's you twisting my words

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 11:44

@warmfluffytowels

"Unfortunately that's what happens when you choose to set up home in a different area to your family."

Looks like suck it up to me.

oblada · 17/07/2021 11:48

The narrative of immigrants should suck it up they chose to move is very prevalent on Mumsnet sadly.

I believe the reason the OP is planning 1month is because she has that month off work and the child is not in school yet so it is easy to do it and may not be repeated. It seems like a great opportunity to me and the DH is being selfish here.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 11:50

allowing her DH to have their DD for half of the time

He can’t. He’s at work.

Namenic · 17/07/2021 11:55

Warm fluffy towels - Yeah - I think both those compromises sound reasonable.

I guess we don’t know what OP and her DH think exactly about the compromises - in that apparently neither of them are able to do both pick-ups and drop offs. Maybe his relatives can help or childminder or half day leave? Long-term arrangements seem more sensible to negotiate on rather than issues just related to pandemic.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 11:56

@Blossomtoes

allowing her DH to have their DD for half of the time

He can’t. He’s at work.

He could take some annual leave. His family could help out for two weeks. He could change his hours for two weeks and use the childcare their child is currently in.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 11:58

[quote AhNowTed]@warmfluffytowels

"Unfortunately that's what happens when you choose to set up home in a different area to your family."

Looks like suck it up to me.[/quote]
No, it's just saying that, unfortunately, our choices have consequences and some of them aren't very pleasant.

If you choose to move abroad and start a family, you need to accept that that choice will restrict you down the line. Yes, it might not be nice to hear, but it's reality. It's not a matter of saying "suck it up" - it's accepting that your choices have consequences and as a result, you may need to compromise when it comes to taking long trips home.

I suspect if OP was a man, people wouldn't be saying "yeah, just take your 3yo abroad for a month, it's fine!".

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 12:01

He could take some annual leave OP says he can’t.
His family could help out for two weeks Now who’s making things up?
He could change his hours for two weeks and use the childcare their child is currently in Perhaps, OP says not.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 12:02

@Blossomtoes

He could take some annual leave OP says he can’t. His family could help out for two weeks Now who’s making things up? He could change his hours for two weeks and use the childcare their child is currently in Perhaps, OP says not.

I'm not making anything up

it was a suggestion! lol.

This thread is bonkers.

Namenic · 17/07/2021 12:03

Apparently he can’t take leave in sept. Otherwise I would think he should go for 2 weeks with OP and child, then bring child back with him while OP stays another 2 weeks. I personally wouldn’t accept the ‘boring’ argument as that is not a high priority compared to being apart from family for 2 years; but I would consider the concern about not being able to get back due to pandemic issues.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 12:04

@warmfluffytowels

My choice meant that my children never really knew their extended family. My choice meant that they didn't have the same easy relationship that my nieces and nephews have.

It does not mean that I can't bring my child on an extended holiday because my DH doesn't want me to.

He chose to marry me too.

Namenic · 17/07/2021 12:10

Warm fluffy towels - not true in my case. Child has gone away with both sets of grandparents/uncles/aunts for 2-8 weeks age 3 onwards without either parents. We are happy with our families’ care of kids and had started at a young age (18months +) with gradual short introductions and short days away in the same country.

But I would not ask my partner to do what I was unable to do myself.

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 12:11

if he cant take leave in september, then how does he plan to look after the 3 year old if OP calls his bluff and says ok i will leave her behind?

CastawayQueen · 17/07/2021 12:14

@Namenic

Castawayqueen - I didn’t exactly choose to be an immigrant as my parents moved around. It is also very normal in my culture for kids to be looked after by aunts, uncles, grandparents for several weeks without parents (but I know it is not for DH).

4 weeks is too long; but it’s also too much for DH to travel for a weekend; and you wouldn’t want to spend time with ‘boring’ in laws. Doesn’t sound like much compromise or appreciation of spouse being far from family.

What would be your compromises to a partner who has lived far away from their family and misses them and would like their child to experience their culture? Personally if I were OP I’d be trying to negotiate for the long term (eg assurances like twice per year for 2 weeks) rather than just focussing on short term (unless relatives are sick).

As a child you don't choose anything true - your parents did. But it was their choice. Nobody forced them to move around did they?

I am a foreign partner in an even 'worse' situation than OP (13 hour flight). There's no way around it - a long visit is the only possibility.

DP is of mixed heritage with half his family a short flight away like the OP. There's no reason for him to go and take DC for a month. Given that we are used to spending time there regularly (during Summer, bank holidays etc).

My month is the only time we will get to see my family. DP's month would be an unnecessary extra. In fact even factoring in airport etc it's quicker (and sometimes cheaper) to see his foreign family than the rest of his family at the other end of the UK.

In the OP's scenario - things are complicated by Covid having put a stop to regular visits (which they can afford as she said that DH can travel) but also no other info given as to why DP is unhappy other than he thinks it's boring

So I really don't know who is being U.. as OP doesn't seem to be forthcoming with more info and has made her decision it doesn't matter. But the general premise of a month being a very long time for that distance still stands.

CastawayQueen · 17/07/2021 12:16

*also my month or otherwise, not saying that I have been away for a month but hypothetically speaking

GrandDuchessRomanov · 17/07/2021 12:17

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if DH wanted to take DS away for a month.

I’m surprised how many on here it would bother!

TheTeenageYears · 17/07/2021 12:36

We moved abroad when DC were young. I've spent every summer in the UK with them on my own for more than 10 years with DH coming for a couple of weeks during what is usually 8 weeks away. I can completely understand why you would want to use the time available to visit family @Husbandswife. It's important for you to be able to spend time with your family and even though it's only an hours flight away that's not a straightforward process at the moment so multiple shorter trips isn't possible. DH must have realised when he had children with someone who's family don't live close that there would be times when you would be away without him, your request is perfectly reasonable. In your shoes if DH becomes difficult I would refuse to see his family or allow DC to visit for months on end and see how he likes it.