Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

most of the people saying theyd split over this actually wouldnt if this was them and their family lived abroad

God so many pathetic people on here. "I couldn't be without my child for a month". Maybe suck it up and have a thought for your partner? How do you think army and expat families deal with this

OP havent read the full thread but sounds to me like you're Irish and you live in the UK. Of course it's important to go and see your family and take your child with you. Presumably he gets to see his family all the time. How is that fair?

Just do it. YANBU.

@Husbandswife You do seem to have decided, so I'm not sure quite what you were hoping for here.

@LizardCreature (have RTFT, so am not merely responding to the most recent): I am not sure it's very nice to call people "pathetic" for not wanting to be without their child for a month. There is nothing on Earth that would have made me do without my children for even one night when they were three, never mind a month, and I wouldn't have asked XH to do so either.

I also think it's hard on the three-year-old, who is at peak 'liking everything to be normal' age.

How do you think army and expat families deal with this

This. I know someone who’s regularly away from home and doesn’t see his kids for three weeks at a time. As for couldn’t be away from them for one night - I have no words.

I presume army and expat families make a decision together. Not that one partner says I’m taking the child away for a month and you’ve no say on it.

Army families don’t make any decisions. They’re told.

Honestly some posters on here are absolutely nuts. I can’t believe the extremes people are going to - call the police, divorce etc.

It’s not the sign of a bad marriage, a small world or a needy parent to think one parent taking a toddler away from its other parent for a month is a horrible idea. You’re incredibly defensive given how justified you seem to feel you are. We don’t all make unilateral decisions like this, it’s selfish. It’s not weak to consider how your young child might miss their other parent. It’s better parenting than is on display here. It’s not weak to consider how your spouse feels, it’s being a decent person.

Keep lashing out if it makes you feel better. You wouldn’t be so chippy if you were completely happy with what you’re doing.

They might not love it, but to say youd divorce because of it. You do realise that would also mean youd see your child less

So you guys dont think it's important this child has the chance to get to know their uncles, aunts etc on their mothers side?

@Blossomtoes

Army families don’t make any decisions. They’re told.

But if I had a child with someone in the army I’d know that them being away would be an option.

Each to their own. I’ve not seeing my family since 2019. Seeing them next week but I’d never dream of taking my son away without reaching an agreement with my husband. We’re a couple for good and for bad and in our marriage it doesn’t work the you do that because I say so. We speak and reach agreements

@EasterIssland

Are your family abroad?

[quote LizardCreature]@EasterIssland

Are your family abroad?[/quote]
Yes. I’m Spanish and haven’t seen them since Xmas 2019. My son is 3 and my nephew is 2

I think he's being selfish, you should definitely go x

You have sacrificed being close to your family and friends to be with him and he absolutely should make this concession and be happy that you have this opportunity. Yes he will miss his DC but he can face time them everyday and visit at the weekend.

@Hegartyhell

You have sacrificed being close to your family and friends to be with him and he absolutely should make this concession and be happy that you have this opportunity. Yes he will miss his DC but he can face time them everyday and visit at the weekend.

She has chosen and had a say in that.

She is giving her husband no say in this decision.

I hate these ''my dh said I can't do this or that' surely it's simply not up to him and should be a discussion, some Compromising and you come to an agreement.

As other pp have said, I'd want to understand 'why' is it because he'll miss you, is he controlling or jealous etc. He could also fly over for weekends or even take some time off himself to come and see you. Or you could agree to do this each year during summer holidays but go for a fortnight.

I think you've behaved really terribly over this OP. I don't think I'd be able to forgive you if I was your DH.

I don't think you'd be wrong to want to go or even to hash out a plan that meant you actually could go. But you shouldn't get to override your DH's feelings on this. That's not marriage.

@TidyDancer

I think you've behaved really terribly over this OP. I don't think I'd be able to forgive you if I was your DH.

I don't think you'd be wrong to want to go or even to hash out a plan that meant you actually could go. But you shouldn't get to override your DH's feelings on this. That's not marriage.

But it’s all right for him to over ride her?

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s not the sign of a bad marriage, a small world or a needy parent to think one parent taking a toddler away from its other parent for a month is a horrible idea. You’re incredibly defensive given how justified you seem to feel you are. We don’t all make unilateral decisions like this, it’s selfish. It’s not weak to consider how your young child might miss their other parent. It’s better parenting than is on display here. It’s not weak to consider how your spouse feels, it’s being a decent person.

Keep lashing out if it makes you feel better. You wouldn’t be so chippy if you were completely happy with what you’re doing.

This says it very, very well.

@Blossomtoes he isn’t overriding her, he’s looking for a compromise.

OP, calling people on this forum ‘absolutely nuts’ and saying they must have ‘very strange marriages and very small lives’ because they gave a different opinion to you (an opinion you asked for haha!) is rude and shows your character. So to be rude back, you sound like a selfish arsehole with no respect for your husband or anybody who shows a different view to yours. But you know this already, as you’re extremely defensive despite the fact you asked for our opinions. Don’t then get upset when a lot of people on here think you’re in the wrong.

If you didn’t want him to take your daughter away for a month and he did, you’d be livid, don’t pretend otherwise. It’s not even about the length of time (although a month is excessive for a 3 year old) - it’s about the fact you have completely overlooked your husband‘s feelings and made no effort at all to take them into account or reach a compromise. That’s selfish, full stop.

If this was a father doing it to a mother, there would be uproar.

@TidyDancer

I think you've behaved really terribly over this OP. I don't think I'd be able to forgive you if I was your DH.

I don't think you'd be wrong to want to go or even to hash out a plan that meant you actually could go. But you shouldn't get to override your DH's feelings on this. That's not marriage.

This, totally.

@Blossomtoes I haven't said he should be able to override her opinion, nowhere did my post even imply that.

[quote TidyDancer]@Blossomtoes I haven't said he should be able to override her opinion, nowhere did my post even imply that.[/quote]

She wants to go. He doesn't want her to go. Somebody's wishes are going to trump the others whatever happens.

If she's selfish, then so is he, no?

@AhNowTed he doesn’t want her to go for a whole month, he wants compromise. He doesn’t want her to not go altogether.