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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard parents bitching about me

401 replies

Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 16:43

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

OP posts:
Dawnski · 16/07/2021 18:16

I understand why you feel hurt. Sounds like this situation is bringing up some deep family issues that are not to do with your Dd. You’d think they’d be delighted to spend time with their granddaughter, however difficult she is. They can walk away soon! I agree with the person who said it’s a good idea to have a discussion with them - in a non-confrontational way. Not easy, but I’d tell them how what they said makes you feel. It might open up a discussion that needs having.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 18:17

@starfishmummy Yes that’s it, dp comes and goes through the gate, friends etc. The patio door is either locked or unlocked with the baby gate on. But if she asks to go out, I lock the gate!! 🤯😩

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/07/2021 18:18

mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no
Say no to your daughter? That would make sense to me. What did your mum say when you asked who she should say no to?

My mum used to be weird with the kids, lecturing them not to do things that they weren't even doing. I don't think you can get them to stop tutting if that's their modus operandi. Maybe have them over for shorter periods or suggest they stay in a hotel if they can't cope with a child being nearby?

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 18:18

@starfishmummy That was frustration with a couple of other posters asking again and again

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 18:18

@DysmalRadius

Most people would preempt this becoming a "situation" by just having the gate locked...

Indeed - in fact, I think that was what the OP was hoping for when she asked her parents to lock the gate.

🙄
TodClarty · 16/07/2021 18:23

I get why you feel sensitive about this. My parents adopt a weary "we are too kind" attitude where I have never asked for anything, except once as a single parent i was too ill to move out of bed and had to ring them for help. They drove 5 minutes to me and spent a morning with DC. That was 3 years ago and is still the example of how good they are to me!

Anyway I think the best approach is maybe to recognise we all have a little vent about family and would hate someone to overhear.

CambsAlways · 16/07/2021 18:26

Maybe she has to learn to say no to your sister more

toastantea · 16/07/2021 18:30

@ShagMeRiggins

I have already acknowledged I picked it up incorrectly.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 18:31

@CambsAlways But they were talking about me and the situation in our house

OP posts:
woodhill · 16/07/2021 18:32

They do sound mean. How old are they. We've just had dgd and her dps here (my dd) and we go out of our way to help. It's exhausting

If I stayed at hers I would help out as much as possible

Yennefer19 · 16/07/2021 18:32

I think people are being very unfair on OP. It’s quite obvious this isn’t to do with babysitting but safety. We have a downstairs toilet and a toddler and we ask guests to just make sure that they close the door afterwards so DD can’t get in there. It’s just basic safety.

And to be honest if they are staying with you for 3 weeks or whatever and being fed and cleaned up after, the very least they could do is watch your child for you for a couple of minutes while you’re upstairs. Otherwise I think it should be you instead who learns to say no a little bit more.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 16/07/2021 18:32

Ok it's coming across slightly differently the more you add in than at the start

-Your (not old) parents come stay with you for a holiday, as you live abroad
-They are a few days into one of two 3 week stays planned this
-You asked them to ensure gate is shut as a safety thing if they open locked front door to let your toddler out
-They expect you to cook all the meals for them & don't help
-They don't play much with their granddaughter and indicate they find her a bit boisterous

I think a three week stay is too long then! . A week of that would be enough for me. I can see why you're annoyed. It's more the context of it rather than what they actually said.

What does DH think? Time to have your own little conversation with DH where he feels you, that you need to learn to say no a bit more Grin

Anyway, best to ignore it - don't hold onto the annoyance from today- and just be clear with them about your family house and safety rules for DD.

Also Surely they'll play a bit with DD? If they don't at all, or if they end up keep sighing when DD 'badgers' (or asks!) they, I think you really ought suggest they stay elsewhere as "you notice they find young family life too exhausting at their age" . I'd also reply to any 'DD is boisterous' comments as "yes she's very intelligent, determined and enthusiastic in her nature, (it is tiring but) we're very lucky"

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 18:33

@GreyhoundG1rl: You seem to be annoyed at the OP, would you like to explain what the actual issue is?

OP you are not being unreasonable at all! Letting someone know a basic safety tip on the off chance your DD asks them if she can go outside while you are upstairs (assume just quickly) is not asking the bloody world of them. I would honestly tell them to piss off to a hotel personally. You and your DD don’t need to tiptoe around them.

itsgettingwierd · 16/07/2021 18:33

They don't want to watch dd.

That's fine.

But it also means you cannot do any of their washing or cleaning or cooking etc - because you'll be watching DD!

misssunshine4040 · 16/07/2021 18:34

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@starfishmummy Yes, I wasn’t but even if I had been doing, they’d begrudge me that after all the minding she’s done for my sister 🤷🏻‍♀️Plus she barely sees Dd as we live a long away. She was also saying she doesn’t she doesn’t remember the other kids being as hard work 🥲Dd is who she is[/quote]
Aw i totally get it, it stings.
Yanbu I would feel hurt too. Your dd is a toddler not an older child who's behaviour you can manage.
I think to not even offer you an afternoon to yourself and to any to spend some time with your dd they barely see is rubbish

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 18:35

I get you completely OP, I'd be pissed off to hear this too.

Even if they are finding it a bit of a challenge getting used to living in a house with a toddler, I don't know what your dad means your mum should 'say no' to if you are not even asking her to look after your DD.

Asking her to lock the gate is not a big deal, and tbh since they are staying in your house for a prolonged period I'd expect there to be loads of things like that you'd need to tell them as you won't be hosting them constantly like guests.

I would sit down with them or even just your mum later and ask what the issue is since you can't see why they're annoyed with you.

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 18:39

@itsgettingwierd

They don't want to watch dd.

That's fine.

But it also means you cannot do any of their washing or cleaning or cooking etc - because you'll be watching DD!

Agree 100%
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/07/2021 18:43

Your dad is being an arsehole.
You were warning your mother what was required.
How would they feel if your DD got out, and was hurt?
YOu're trying to prevent that happening.

I had similar issues with my Dad being a bit of an idiot over DS2 when he was a toddler, when I went to stay with him and warned him he'd need to move breakables out of reach of DS2.
Dad's response was "he needs to learn not to touch" - yeah sure, he's 18mo, how about you save BOTH of us some pain and move all your breakables out of his reach while we work on him learning not to touch, eh?
I moved the stuff in the end - I just couldn't deal with the stress levels of trying to keep my inquisitive and active toddler's hands off lots of ornaments and delicate items all the time.

Your parents need to follow the safety rules of your household if they're going to continue to stay there, or they can go to a hotel instead (or back home, either way). No one should be putting their pride, arrogance, or whatever it is, over the safety of a toddler.

ShagMeRiggins · 16/07/2021 18:43

[quote toastantea]@ShagMeRiggins

I have already acknowledged I picked it up incorrectly. [/quote]
My apologies. Honestly.

hesaka · 16/07/2021 18:45

YANBU. It’s completely reasonable to point out safety issues to adults who don’t usually live there. It doesn’t mean that OP has left them to look after her DD at all, as some are suggesting. If OP usually nips off to the loo, or is in another room briefly, then she knows that the door is locked and her DD can’t unlock it to get into front garden in that moment, she knows she is safe. If other adults are in the house, then they could unwittingly let DD into front garden during one of those moments, so unless she informs grandparents about the front gate issue then she cannot be sure DD is safe.
I also don’t think OP is being unreasonable in being hurt that her parents seem reluctant to do more with her daughter (even though she hasn’t asked this of them). If they were very hands-off grandparents all round then maybe OP wouldn’t feel like this - but when she’s seen them be very hands-on with other grandchildren then she might be a little hurt that they are not getting as involved with her DD for the few weeks that they are there.

Kjr33 · 16/07/2021 18:48

Are the other grandchildren older than yours? Might just be they are finding they haven’t got as much energy as 5 yrs ago if your sisters kids are older?

wigjuice · 16/07/2021 18:54

@Kjr33 how much energy is needed to lock a gate?

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 18:55

@Kjr33 They are older, early teens now, so I totally get that. But I wasn’t asking much (if anything of them)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/07/2021 18:57

@gamerchick

Tell them they're welcome to piss off to a hotel if asking to keep your child safe is a major intrusion on them.
Yes I agree with this.

They have some cheek.

OP, you are a bit of a doormat allowing them to invite themselves, especially on your partner's annual leave.

They are here 5 minutes and they are bitching about you and your child.

🙄

Stop being such a doormat and grow up.
I mean that kindly.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/07/2021 18:57

There may be deeper family issues as some pp suggest but its the on the surface ones that are glaring.
They are staying with you for 3 weeks and you hadn't asked them for any childcare and catered for them etc...
Yet its too much for them to watch DD for a few minutes whilst you go to the loo, so much that they complain about her being tiring and take offence about being asked to be aware of important safety issues.

That's a deep issue right there.
They sound selfish and self absorbed Only you know if communicating with them about this will result in them making more of an effort.

I'd take DD out and about as much as possible and leave them to it.
And stop running around after them too. They can cook dinner - you'll be watching DD, and playing with her and having fun with her since they find it all so tiring. Six weeks is a long time to have guests who make no contribution.