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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard parents bitching about me

401 replies

Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 16:43

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

OP posts:
Weebleweeble · 20/07/2021 12:59

Sounds like you have been landed with a not great role in your family. ? The youngest not very sensible one who is a bit of a nuisance and that this role is now being transferred to DD. And their unkind and dominating behaviour makes you into an indecisive people please instead of who you really are. The role is what my youngest sis was given and my siblings still talk about her achievements with an eye roll and disparaging tone. Despite being in her fifties.
Fortunately she is also the comic in the family and gives back as good as she gets.
I could be wrong - but I think you need to speak up more. And stop being so nice.

AnnieSnap · 20/07/2021 13:16

I think there are a lot of nasty assumptions being made about the OP parents, based on little accounts from a woman who has difficult feelings about her sister and perceived favouritism on the part of her parents. I hope you lot never do jury service since you come to some pretty extreme conclusions based on very little information!

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 15:47

@AnnieSnap I think I gave a lot of information to be fair!

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 16:02

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@AnnieSnap I think I gave a lot of information to be fair![/quote]
But (naturally enough, tbf) from your perspective only.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 16:08

@GreyhoundG1rl Of course, my feelings about the situation, but also the facts too

OP posts:
wigjuice · 20/07/2021 16:16

I was with you until you got upset about your parents giving you cash for you dd birthday, I really don't see anything wrong with that, maybe the think she will get lots of presents and that you could save it to take her for a day out etc.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 16:41

@wigjuice Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I was being too sensitive about that because of the rest, suspect I am

OP posts:
Rheia1983 · 20/07/2021 16:48

I agree that this thread is difficult to read.

OP you don't appear to actively do anything to deal with the situations you keep describing. Why is it you don't speak to your parents and tell them how you feel about (i) them inviting themselves over to your house for weeks without checking with you first, (ii) them not seeming to care about how they are inconveniencing you and your family with their behaviour and expectations, (iii) them appearing not to care for your daughter and not putting in an effort to build a relationship with her etc.?

Instead of speaking up and looking for a solution, you seem to prefer being silent, throwing up your hands and feeling disappointed in secret. Why do you act as if you have no ability to advocate for yourself and your family?

AnnieSnap · 20/07/2021 16:52

@wigjuice

I was with you until you got upset about your parents giving you cash for you dd birthday, I really don't see anything wrong with that, maybe the think she will get lots of presents and that you could save it to take her for a day out etc.
I was also fairly with the OP at first. After a while though, it started to seem like everything they do pisses her off. As for stating facts, perspective and interpersonal dynamics colours ‘facts’ in situations such as this. I am not saying the parents haven’t put a foot wrong, but the ‘throw them out’ crowd are leaping to some unnecessary conclusions here.
Mary46 · 20/07/2021 17:03

You have be more firm op with them. I dont take my mother away she major hard work comments on the kids too. !! Not sure how to approach this. Not nice other kids favoured. But boundaries should be done early on.

CraftyYankee · 20/07/2021 17:13

OP are you biting your tongue this summer but going to do things differently moving forward? That's certainly one option.

You could towards the end of this visit reopen the second visit and suggest a hotel for that trip.

Or you could just keep on as you are, and nothing will change.

But make a choice, don't just let it happen.

billy1966 · 20/07/2021 17:38

If her DP books himself a ticket away for his annual leave and leaves his wife to her parents he would be well within his rights to do so.

You are not married?
By choice?
If your partner is dragging his heels, his annual leave being ruined by your univited parents imposing themselves again may well give him pause for thought.

If he posted on here I certainly would be telling him to run for the hills.

Nothing worse than a partner with poor boundaries, afraid and dominated by their parents, that allows them to impose themselves at will.

We are constantly telling woman to get out of marriages for that very reason.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 21:46

@billy1966 Nice, thanks.

We’re not married, no..not that it has any bearing.
We’re not married because we spent the last 9 years (before Dd) doing fertility treatments and ivf. All our money, time and energy went into that. We will marry though. Marrying or not isn’t connected to my parents coming to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 21:47

@CraftyYankee Yes, you’re right, that’s the plan, I can’t continue like this, but equally, don’t want to sour the rest of the visit, I’m starting to feel really resentful now and it’s not good to store all that negativity inside, when I’m usually a positive, happy person. I feel like a little ball of rage at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 20/07/2021 21:48

@Weebleweeble Yes, it sounds very similar to your sister, I’m the older one though (well, middle child)

OP posts:
StrangeToSee · 21/07/2021 07:47

I’m starting to feel really resentful now and it’s not good to store all that negativity inside, when I’m usually a positive, happy person. I feel like a little ball of rage at the moment

Have your parents noticed you’re not happy?

I’d be surprised if they’re oblivious to your rage. Have they asked you what’s wrong?

Can you tell them how you feel, calmly when DD’s in bed. Especially including your feelings about your sister’s children being treated differently. Would they listen? And you listen calmly to their perspective; it could be very different to what you imagine.

Just keep in mind they’re not in the same place as when hers were young; they’re older now, they’re guests in your home in an unfamiliar country.

Maybe you can arrive at some sort of compromise; shorter visits, Air B&B, them making more effort with your DD, you not comparing their behaviour with how they were 10 years ago with the first grandchildren? Open communication?

LookItsMeAgain · 21/07/2021 08:55

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@CraftyYankee Yes, you’re right, that’s the plan, I can’t continue like this, but equally, don’t want to sour the rest of the visit, I’m starting to feel really resentful now and it’s not good to store all that negativity inside, when I’m usually a positive, happy person. I feel like a little ball of rage at the moment[/quote]
GOOD!

Your rage has to go somewhere, so make sure it goes in the right direction, towards your parents.
Now, use this ball of rage to set the record straight. TALK to your parents about how they are treating you, how they treat you differently to your siblings, how they overstay their welcome and don't think twice about it, how they give you a fridge but can't get a small toy for their granddaughter, all of it.
Sit them down and TALK to them. Tell them that you're unhappy with how things are when they come to visit and you think for their next visit, you want them to stay in a hotel and visit you but they leave every time to sleep in the hotel. That will be their base for the next holiday.
I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to not visit as they will have to pay for that holiday and they haven't had to pay up to now because you've had them in your home. You can be upset about that (if it happens) but deal with one thing at a time.

CrankyFrankie · 21/07/2021 09:24

Ah I wouldn’t sweat it. My parents are always bitching about me! (And others). They get worse as they get older too. If I pull them up on it, they say “You’ve got good ears.” Grin and I actually don’t, I’m virtually deaf in one ear too, ha.

Weebleweeble · 21/07/2021 09:26

It might be an idea to raise your thoughts with one parent at a time. If you sat them down and spoke to both of them I'm sure they would both be immediately on the defensive and back each other up.

Perhaps you could say to DF - I'm sad DM doesn't seem able to choose a present for DD I don't think she has bonded with her at all.
Say to DM - DF seems so angry at having to help eg when you were ill, I don't think he wants to be here.

Suggestions only. You Know they will go back and repeat what is said.

CrankyFrankie · 21/07/2021 09:26

@LookItsMeAgain sweet Jesus! You sound nice.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/07/2021 09:32

@CrankyFrankie - have you read the thread??? Have you read the OP's posts????
The OP is about to snap and I'm suggesting that she snaps at the very people that have made her into this 'ball of rage' and not her other half, or a friend, her clearly oblivious-to-the-issues-that-they-are-causing parents.

I am nice by the way, so thanks for noticing Smile

CrankyFrankie · 21/07/2021 09:47

@LookItsMeAgain They sound as clueless as my own parents. It can be very frustrating. Not sure i would launch a full-on character assassination though (or worse still - incite one).

CraftyYankee · 26/07/2021 07:39

How are things with your parents OP?

LookItsMeAgain · 31/07/2021 12:42

@CraftyYankee - you might want to get yourself over to the other thread where the grandfather wanted to be paid to look after his granddaughter - that's where the OP is at, at the moment.

chocolatemademefat · 01/08/2021 00:39

Most toddlers are very active so why is your mother surprised. Why are they staying for so long if they find her hard work?
Maybe they’ve done so much for your sister that they don’t want to do it again for you - but you have to point out that you’re not asking for their help. You’re keeping your child safe and in your house they’ll have to suck that up or shorten their stay.
Good luck - I couldn’t have had my parents to visit for that length of time.