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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard parents bitching about me

401 replies

Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 16:43

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

OP posts:
Kjr33 · 16/07/2021 18:59

@wigjuice sorry wasn’t specifically talking about the gate but the overall being around a toddler is quite knackering as is remembering all of someone else’s toddler rules etc.

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe
So like 10 ish years ago they did childcare for your sisters kids? Yeah I’d guess they are just finding a boisterous toddler knackering now but probably don’t want to fess up to that or even admit it to themselves?

goldfinchfan · 16/07/2021 19:03

OP you do sound very resentful for the help your Parents have given to your sister.

Also you may consider your DD's behaviour totally normal but does anyone else? I brought up a lively toddler by myself and it was hard work but you do have to be teaching the little one to be calm sometimes.

Don't fall out over a an overheard comment.
If it gets to be an atmosphere than talk to them in an open and honest way.

Good luck... I love toddlers and they do grow up so fast. cherish every day

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:06

@goldfinchfan Well, considering one not had a break in 3 years and they’ve not once babysat, we’ve done it all ourselves over the last 3 years, then perhaps I am resentful, especially so, when I’ve never asked anything of them.
Dd is told to calm down a lot, I’m with her 24/7, it’s totally exhausting, as toddlers are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:09

*We’ve not had a break

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 16/07/2021 19:10

They probably talk like that all the time about all kinds of things. Your dad is probably saying 'Learn to say no' because he wants to deflect her comments and stem the flow of them, because he isn't in the mood to listen. I suppose everybody likes to be told that they are all kindness and do too much for everyone, so it's a diplomatic thing for him to say. And he saves him having to apply his mind to what he thinks about garden safety .

I suppose everybody gets to the stage when they start to feel old and routine things become difficult for them. They might have reached that stage. But, of course you are right to talk about safety. What else should you say about the gate? You are obviously right.

I sometimes wonder if older people sometimes lose a bit of sixth sense about risks, because they are out of practice of caring for children all of the time. I sometimes read on Mumsnet about a blase attitude towards garden ponds, etc. ( Not from everyone, obviously).I think they are just feeling their age, and you shouldn't blame yourself for being a conscientious mum.

goldfinchfan · 16/07/2021 19:16

OP the help your parents gave your DS was years ago and now your parents are older is it possible they have health issues or just are older and rather than face the truth, ie that they are older, they are blaming you and your daughter, this is mean.

Try to get the positives from the visit but do NOT do everything for them.
I can't get over the cheek of them expecting to be looked after and catered for.
If they conside a toddler as tiring then why are they not helping you?

If it continues cancel their second 3 week holiday for your own sake.

goldfinchfan · 16/07/2021 19:19

OP I forgot to say that warning them about the gate was totally correct. It is a safety issue not childminding.
ANd most parents would look after a toddler so you can shower.
I ahve done it for my daughter and i have major health issues but I love my daughter and my DGS.
Your parents do seem out of order and mean.

Onlinedilema · 16/07/2021 19:23

OP I think you need to do far less for your parents. Speak to your dh and get him to back you up. Try saying "I'm not cooking tomorrow so it will be best if you both go out for lunch and dinner." Then perhaps " I'm meeting a friend on Friday of course I'll be taking dd with me, what plans have you made for Friday? "
I really could not have anyone stay in my home for 3 weeks never mind some moaning unhelpful leaches like this pair.

MrsCremuel · 16/07/2021 19:24

As someone who is tired after a day with a toddler, I feel your pain. They are totally full on. From what you’ve said:

  1. They help out a lot without complaint (that you know about) for your sister
  2. You hardly see them as you live abroad so don’t ask much of them
  3. They have come over of their own choice, presumably to spend time with you all, have the chance of time to themselves and are well looked after when there
  4. You were just being cautious about the gate and said it in the odd chance you’d have nipped upstairs for a short period, not babysitting.

I’d be disappointed too. I’d hope my parents would want to spend time with my children and also want to help me out a bit here and there by keeping an eye on toddler so I could go to the loo solo or something. Totally get that toddler are exhausting and it’s not unnatural to express that but presumably they knew that when they came?

Is there a history of your sister being the favourite?

Staffholidayclubrep · 16/07/2021 19:29

Just say that you are finding the hosting for longer periods of time a little bit much.

Suggest that they should consider a hotel next time and they can pop in for the occasional visit. That way they are free to do their own thing.

They are using you like a free holiday.

gillysSong · 16/07/2021 19:30

I'd tell them locking a gate is nothing compared to the care they've given your sisters children.
Stand up for yourself.

gluteustothemaximus · 16/07/2021 19:33

What, she has to learn to say no to keeping her granddaughter safe?

Hmm
Bluntness100 · 16/07/2021 19:34

considering one not had a break in 3 years and they’ve not once babysat, we’ve done it all ourselves over the last 3 years, then perhaps I am resentful,

But how can you resent your parents for this? You live abroad there’s little they can do.

You are clearly resentful though and determined to take issue with your own parents for your lifestyle choices. You want them to offer to do things with her to give you a break. Even though you’ve not asked. And they don’t even live in the same country as you.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 16/07/2021 19:36

I think Diver made quite a few good points

Tbh OP you don't sound resentful, it sounds like a fair point: If they child mind and babysit their other DGC a lot but don't offer to with your DD when they are staying at yours , it is a bit uneven. Your parents do sound a bit hard work when they stay.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to take turns cooking. They are imposing for quite long stays and are adults who can perfectly well look after themselves and pitch in.

My parents offer to babysit when they stay if I want to go out. They help out around the house. Mum cooks for everyone most nights when they stay if I let her (I like to share cooking so we both get a break) and my dad is now 80 and mum is mid 70s. Can't stop them from pitching in. Neither is entirely healthy now but they just love the DCs . They've even taken DCs on holiday in their own when DCs were young. So that's my experience of expecting they pitch in. One nights stay fair enough I'll do it all, but after then "be a help or stay somewhere else! "

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:37

@MrsCremuel Yes, she’s definitely favoured, particularly by my mum

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/07/2021 19:37

My parents offer to babysit when they stay if I want to go out. They help out around the house. Mum cooks for everyone most nights when they stay if I let her (I like to share cooking so we both get a break) and my dad is now 80 and mum is mid 70s. Can't stop them from pitching in. Neither is entirely healthy now but they just love the DCs . They've even taken DCs on holiday in their own when DCs were young. So that's my experience of expecting they pitch in. One nights stay fair enough I'll do it all, but after then "be a help or stay somewhere else! "

Wow, way to rub it in 😱

worktrip · 16/07/2021 19:38

The 'learning to say no' could be to do with the grandkids in general, your yours specifically

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:39

@Bluntness100 Yes, that’s why I don’t see it as unacceptable to watch my child for two seconds (although I haven’t actually asked that!) on the occasions when they do come over

OP posts:
MrsCremuel · 16/07/2021 19:41

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe I can see why you’d feel this quite keenly then, it’s obvs not an offhand comment and let of a bigger issue.

Are they, or your mum, a bit ‘toxic’? They sound quite unreasonable and entitled with you.

MrsCremuel · 16/07/2021 19:41

*part of a bigger issue

Bambilegs80 · 16/07/2021 19:43

Honestly just tell them to go home if it is all such hardship spending time with grandad

KatieKat88 · 16/07/2021 19:44

YANBU particularly with the back story from your other thread - they've chosen to visit twice this summer for several weeks and should have gone to a hotel if they didn't want to help out, particularly if you're doing all of the cooking/cleaning etc. And you haven't even really asked them to help out! I hope you're still doing what suits you, DH and DD this summer in terms of daily activities rather than solely pleasing your DPs the whole time because there doesn't seem to be much give and take with them.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:45

@MrsCremuel They’re definitely entitled. Ok a weekend, when Dp off work, he might do bbq burgers for everyone and it’s a huge deal, dad makes him cups of coffee and it’s all lauded over, yet I cook every single night 🤷🏻‍♀️
I also notice they make more effort with Dd, playing wise, when dp gets home!

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 16/07/2021 19:45

I think your being rather unfair. They can have a private conversation and what they said really wasn't that bad.

Fair enough about the gate, but if people are in my house I still see it as my job to be ultimately accountable for my kids.

Your sisters kids are at least 10 years older than yours, and your parents are 10 years away older than when they had them as toddlers. In older people's years, that's a really big difference. My mum bounded after DS at 70, and now at 80 needs him to pull her out of her chair!

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 19:46

*On a weekend

OP posts:
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