Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

Your DF sounds like a great house guest (not). Talk to your DM not him as it sounds pointless and stressful talking to him. Tell her that today you have a number of errands to run and things to do for DDs birthday- could she tell DF not to go for a walk or make his own way home ?
Start making it her problem not yours, it's a bit mean but sometimes only way to get through. I spoke to DM when DF made "witty" remarks about DS when he was a toddler and told her we'd stop visiting if he continued to call him names and miraculously it stopped.

Ok - I'm only getting back to reading the updates that you've posted since my earlier suggestion @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe.

Firstly - thank your parents for the fridge but RETURN IT! You can select one that suits you and your requirements when they have gone. They shouldn't assume that the one they selected will automatically be the right one for you and your DH and your family. Tell them that. You're not being rude but they should have offered or at least take one or both of you on the shopping trip for such an item.

Secondly - for today - tell your dad that he'll have to get a taxi home from the beach. You will NOT be available to collect him as you have plans. He can slot in with those plans or not but that is up to him. If he decides not to slot in with your plans, he doesn't get the opportunity to disrupt your plans.

Thirdly - TELL them that their next visit will have to be to a hotel and you will have them for dinners (plural) and will arrange that when they come back but this trip has been very stressful as they haven't offered to help out, to wash dishes, to collect up the dirty dishes, to load/unload the dishwasher, to put the bolt on the gate when you were telling them it was for the safety of their grandchild, lots of reasons and you don't want to have an almighty argument so this will be a way that everyone can remain on speaking terms and that staying with you is just not going to be on the cards for the remainder of the year. Then start again in 2022 with the same message "Sorry, you'll have to stay in the local hotel/B&B, and so on".

In so many instances they are WAY overstepping the boundaries (give your host a bunch of flowers or even a gift voucher for an appliance store but don't actually buy the appliance for them) and in so many they are not picking up on the social cues to know that they should be aware of when keeping an eye on their grandchild.

I think it was wrong to brush the discussion under the carpet and carry on as if nothing had happened. You need to have this conversation with them. You are an adult now but it seems as though when they show up you revert to being a child in their company. Stand up for yourself.

I can't believe how hard people are trying to find a way that this is your fault OP???

I just think it's a clash of expectations. They are seeing this trip as a holiday for them whereas you'd like them to step up and at least help a little bit, plus enjoy their grandchild.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all here, and I think they sound pretty selfish and thoughtless. Your dad should be making his own way to and from the beach, not expecting you to fit a lift in when you've already told him you've got a busy day.

From a grandparent's point of view - that is, mine - I just want to do whatever it is the kid enjoys, because the idea is to be around the kid, not to specifically be interested in the activity. No one would have to make me.

That’s lovely, but not how all grandparents view it. My dad isn’t really interested in kids until they’re past the whirlwind toddler stage and he can have real conversations with them.

My mum is like you and keen to come on any family outing (even the splash pad). But I’d never expect my dad to do that (hours of screaming kids while you sit on the grass). And I’d never try to take pils to that sort of place as they need somewhere comfortable to sit (health issues), some peace and quiet, shade etc. They’d come if asked but I’d feel guilty knowing they were uncomfortable and had nowhere to escape to.

I think it’s instinctive for parents to want to put their child’s enjoyment at the centre of everything. But there needs to be consideration for everyone when you have guests staying that long.

But @StrangeToSee nobody asked the GPS to stay that long, they picked their own visit duration.

Fair enough don't drag GPS to everything that DD does, but equally OP is not a 24/7 tour guide/taxi driver/chef and bed changer.

The GPS are being overbearing CFs ( and I try not to use that term often). Plonking themselves at OPs for weeks on end and then criticising her parenting.

If they don't want to see too much of their DGD and her child centric activities they should come for shorter visits.

Hi OP, was it you who posted about your dp coming for too long, doing nothing and wanting ferrying around everywhere? Ddad leaves clothes at your house and takes over your dd room?

Without that backstory your post isnt the same. You were told to grow a backbone on your last post.

I hope you make inroads into how badly they treat you.

Now I’m feeling disappointed all over again (but I think at this point, this is about me) mum just gave me DD’s present-money in a card 😕she said she can choose something or I can get her something she needs, just doesn’t feel all that special 🤷🏻‍♀️But again, that’s probably just me feeling ultra sensitive at the moment!

mum just gave me DD’s present-money in a card 😕she said she can choose something or I can get her something she needs, just doesn’t feel all that special

Sounds like she just doesn’t know your DD well enough to choose gifts for her yet, or didn’t want to get the same things as you.

It sounds like you’ve done a lot to make DD’s birthday special (whole day shopping, balloons, decor, home baking etc). I’m sure she won’t mind one less gift to unwrap, the chance to choose something for herself later?

When you have a toddler I think it’s easy to think their birthday is very special to the extended family, but to them she’s one of many grandchildren. They may not consider 3 much of a milestone but make more fuss of her when she’s older.

No, that's a cop out. At three they are easy to buy for, or ask for a suggestion. The lack of effort comes through loud and clear.

She said it was because there’s not much space in the suitcase for gifts or they have to pay extra allowance, which I get, but could be something small. Then she said she also doesn’t know what she likes, I said I could tell her it she asks (plus she does know as I WhatsApp her stuff all the time) I asked did she used to buy gifts for niece & nephew when they were little, didn’t say it in an awful way, but couldn’t help it. I remember her always buying them gifts and trying to get me to get them specific presents of what they were in to etc. She said she did get them presents because they were down the road and she knew what they were interested in. Why does this feel sad to me,
I was saying how we can make a big shoe of the money being especially from them for her to choose a present. I was thinking maybe we could go shopping and Dd could choose a special new bag for starting nursery and toys 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m a present chooser and giver, so it’s different for me, I actively love thinking what to get. I even asked did she not love planning and giving presents etc, even a special gift she could keep (not toys) she said she can never think what to get…anything, anything is lovely, just something with thought.

@CraftyYankee They’re so easy to buy for when little, and it’s such a pleasure

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@CraftyYankee They’re so easy to buy for when little, and it’s such a pleasure[/quote]
She's given that pleasure to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

*Big show of the money being from them

But OP will already have the pleasure of buying gifts for her DD. You would think that one afternoon of one day of the SIX WEEKS her parents are using her as a hotel they could go shopping and buy a present? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I asked did she used to buy gifts for niece & nephew when they were little, didn’t say it in an awful way, but couldn’t help it. I remember her always buying them gifts and trying to get me to get them specific presents of what they were in to

I think this is the root of the problem, you feeling your mum doesn’t care about your child as much as your sister’s? It must be hurtful to see her treated differently, but you can’t erase the fact you’re in a different country as oppose to down the road, and the other grandchildren are much older.

The excitement of the first grandchildren and their closeness probably meant she popped in all the time. If she got tired of being around toddlers she was minutes from home. It’s so different if you have to travel a long way to see a grandchild, stay in their home 24/7, bonds develop over time not crammed into a few weeks a year.

Also back when the other grandchildren were toddlers she was younger, maybe more energetic, perhaps shopping for them was a novelty? She could spontaneously see something then drop it off to them on her way home.

Worth remembering we’re in a global pandemic so she may not have been out shopping much the last couple of years, or got out the habit.

I even asked did she not love planning and giving presents etc, even a special gift she could keep (not toys) she said she can never think what to get

People change. Maybe she’s had a lifetime of planning and giving presents and wants to take things easier now? There’s nothing wrong with giving money, especially as they’ve travelled so far and carrying toys would taken up baggage allowance.

Honestly it sounds like your mum’s doing her best, it’s just a different place and a different time compared to when her first grandchildren were your DD’s age.

@StrangeToSee The global pandemic hasn’t stopped them travelling countries to get their holiday at the OP’s expense has it? They could have picked a little something up at the airport shop quite easily. A child of that age would enjoy a bear with an airline hat or a duplo kit of an airplane etc. Anything to demonstrate thoughtfulness.

I don’t blame you for being a bit hurt OP. I think you sound kind, generous and welcoming and it is saddening when others, especially your own parents, don’t have that same generosity of spirit towards you and your DD.

I think you are disengaging slowly and I really think you should discourage future long term stays.

They sound worse and worse I'm afraid. Why didn't they go shopping for her present when they were in your country if they couldn't bring one with them?
The more I hear about them, the more it seems that they just enjoy their relatively free holiday at yours.
I'd be upset too.

The global pandemic hasn’t stopped them travelling countries to get their holiday at the OP’s expense has it?

It doesn’t sound like they travelled for a free holiday, more they wanted to see their daughter (and granddaughter and son in law). I’m guessing they waited until vaccinated and flights opened up. OP said they pay for a lot of things, so it doesn’t sound like they’re tight either.

More they’ve forgotten what toddlers like or what OP’s toddler already has, or perhaps grandma is weary of being the planner and giver of gifts and wants to stick to money for this grandchild?

@StrangeToSee

Maybe you’re trying to give an alternative perspective but your defence of the GPs is stretching the truth. These GPs have invited themselves for two extended holidays in quick succession, they do little, if anything, to help and are rigid and demanding re their requirements. But still you seem to think even slotting a latch on a gate or picking a tiny toy up at an airport is an imposition.

OP you’re not unreasonable to be upset about any of this. I’m also curious to know what your poor DH thinks of these guests for weeks on end who are seemingly making you pretty miserable.

So she can't get a present for your DD, but can buy you a great big fridge?? Where did the fridge get stored...in her luggage too????

Cop out.

Come on @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe - You are being such a wet blanket and you know it. You're setting such a poor example for your DD and you know it.
Stand up for yourself.
This has to stop.

Have you told them that they cannot stay with you when they return in August??

Don’t pick your dad up! If it’s too far to walk in the heat a taxi si totally fine. My parents and in laws would be helping get ready not trying to have me run after them.
Please tell me you cancelled their 2nd 2 week stay this summer, you don’t have to put up with this whenever they want. I’m so glad you walked in and asked about your dads comment rather than ignore it. He just doesn’t sound that nice to be honest.

I think your mother has just demonstrated that she is NOT as interested in your DD as your sister's children.
It's very sad that that is the case, but it does happen.

All her excuses are just that - excuses. She's been there for long enough to have asked you what your DD is into, she went shopping WITH you ffs, she could have bought her something then with your input - it's all shite.

You have to accept this is how she (and your father) behave - but what you DON'T have to do is put up with it in your home.

I would strongly resist any attempt by them to return any time soon unless they really change up the way they're treating you and you family.

Maybe you’re trying to give an alternative perspective but your defence of the GPs is stretching the truth

I’m not defending them or stretching any truths; just trying to see the situation from different angles. I can see it from OP’s point of view but so can she, so telling her isn’t helpful. She can’t help what she feels... but neither can they hence why I’m try to see the situation from the GPs’ perspective.

I don’t get the impression OP resents them coming to visit? Many grandparents travel abroad to see family and stay a month or so. OP mentioned she wanted her mum to come food shopping with her (when numerous posters told her to leave her mum at home) and it seems they get on well despite the issue with DD not being treated the same as the other grandchildren.

Or maybe I’m wrong and she’d prefer them not to visit at all?

OP,

This is a hard thread to read.

You are a total doormat and a ball of stress and annoyance towards your parents.

I feel really sorry for your partner, who seems a most accommodating man.

You clearly don't want your parents visiting you for weeks on end.

They want a holiday primarily and appear to have little or no interest in your normal daughter.

Your poor daughter is a nuisance at 3 years old in her own home, from parents that have little interest or involvement.

Not even being bothered to buy something for the child.

Money is a real symtom of I don't know nor care. If it was sent long distance it would be ok, but to be staying with you, is very poor.

A bag of beach toys isn't that difficult to source or a ball.

As for your partner having this crew landed in on him for 5 weeks, he is a saint.

Because I cannot think of a man I know who wouldn't be pissed off, including my own very calm, relaxed husband.

You don't seem particularly fond of your parents yet you allow your whole family be massively inconvenienced by them.

You are a real doormat.

When you have a family, it is important to stand up for them.

It is a very basic self respect thing, not to allow ANYONE invite themselves to your home for weeks on end, especially covering your poor partners annual holiday.

I honestly don't know how you could do that to someone you supposedly cared about.

If he told you that he was rethinking your relationship on the back of THAT, I would think he had a point.

It was a very selfish thing for you to do.

Start looking at your behaviour.
Because you are sounding like a wimp who is utterly dominated by PITA parents who suit themselves.

I really feel for you. Being abroad with no family support is hard. My dm used to visit when kids were small. She got up with them each morning & gave me a precious extra hour or twos rest. She took them on walks exploring to give me a break. She loved spending quality time with her grandkids, more so when she lives in a different country to them

I think I'd be limiting time of visits. My dh would divorce me if my parents came to stay for that long. They can get an air bnb so everyone has their own space & escape