Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

@Missedopportunity Must be, right?

@MrsIsobelCrawley I really don’t think they resent her. We waited a long time to have her and they were over the moon when she came along

@CarpeVitam Thank you 🙏

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe

@Missedopportunity Must be, right?

Haha. You're a good sport. All families moan about each other, don't they? And, honestly, at least you've got a new fridge out of it. Unless there's a back story of why your parents are horrible people, then why don't you just sit down and have chat? Don't you think in 30 years you might have a private chat with your husband about your daughter? You think you'll never roll your eyes,at something your daughter's done?
If you can't put it behind you, or you don't sort it, every little thing they do and everything they say, no matter how innocent, will take on massive proportions.
Best of luck.

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@CarpeVitam Thank you 🙏[/quote]
So welcome. Take care x

Your dad is a right pill. Why did he even go to visit you?

I am getting the impression that both of them have a habit of ignoring the woman, and a strong belief that only the man matters, in any given relationship. Hence your dad getting away with never doing anything around the house, your parents both upping their game with DD when your H is home, your parents fawning all over him when he BBQs, and the way they expect to be waited on hand and foot by you and resent your request to look out for DD in the front garden.

I would challenge them on it. You are working very hard to put them up, and they have insulted your DD and gone over your head with the fridge. Yes, maybe a new fridge is a solution to the problem of having to go out shopping every day. But you should have been consulted. Your DH shouldn't have gone ahead with the fridge without asking you. Your parents shouldn't have suggested it to him without you there.

That’s a bit insensitive of them when you were simply reminding them re a safety issue. I also live abroad and know how the long visits can sometimes feel very long indeed! Not much ways around it- perhaps they can stay at an Airbnb nearby some of the time so you are not all on top of each other? And as they are there they should give you a break, that’s one of the benefits of having the grandparents to stay! Try and have a break yourself. I often had a babysitter come anyway when my parents stayed as it is quite tiring looking after kids so I didn’t expect them to look after mine all the time but occasional evenings would try to get out with the hubby while they did the “easy” babysitting at night! Good luck, and hope it’s gets easier. Am sure they find it odd being in another house having to adapt to your rules, but hopefully after a few days will start getting on ok.

Dp said ‘It’s a pleasure looking after you’ (about Dd

Your parents had just made it very clear it wasn’t pleasurable for them though, by arguing/joking about whose turn it was to put her to bed. Not everyone finds toddlers cute especially ones that talk incessantly.

If they choose to stay in your home they have to put up with your parenting style, but equally if you agree to host them (and let them pay for lots of things) isn’t it polite to teach DD how to behave around guests? Eg remind her not to keep bothering your parents to play if they’ve said not now, take her out of the room when she has a tantrum? Reprimand her when she won’t stop talking or interrupts adult conversations?

Are these the parents coming for 5 weeks over the summer? Including all of your DHs holiday in August ?

And also sleep in DDs bedroom.

@StrangeToSee

Dp said ‘It’s a pleasure looking after you’ (about Dd

Your parents had just made it very clear it wasn’t pleasurable for them though, by arguing/joking about whose turn it was to put her to bed. Not everyone finds toddlers cute especially ones that talk incessantly.

If they choose to stay in your home they have to put up with your parenting style, but equally if you agree to host them (and let them pay for lots of things) isn’t it polite to teach DD how to behave around guests? Eg remind her not to keep bothering your parents to play if they’ve said not now, take her out of the room when she has a tantrum? Reprimand her when she won’t stop talking or interrupts adult conversations?

The idea that a three-year-old should be made to feel uncomfortable, disliked and unable to relax and be herself in her own house for six week stretches because guests think she “talks too much” is madness.

There’s people who would say the same about some women. That they talk too much and it’s annoying. There’s times when it’s reasonable to request people quieten down and times it isn’t.

They’re choosing to come and stay with a toddler for these long periods, that’s their choice. She has no say in it. And OP’s partner said that because she was listening to her own grandparents openly talk about not wanting to spend time with her. He is rightly concerned about his daughter’s happiness and self-esteem.

Why are they coming several times a year? You need to move to somewhere that’s less attractive as a holiday destination.

I’m a bit confused as to why the front gate would nit always be locked as the default position, much safer, then say this is where the key is to unlock it if you need to.

I think you need to have a chat about how hurtful their comments were when you have never asked them for anything and then ask them why why they have never offered to babysit and give you a break when they have done so much for your sister. This needs to be discussed.

I'm a bit surprised they even need to be told to keep an eye on the kid's safety. In my family, across all generations, everyone's aware of any child in the vicinity and takes implicit responsibility just because...well, because how could you not?

So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

The idea that a three-year-old should be made to feel uncomfortable, disliked and unable to relax and be herself in her own house for six week stretches because guests think she “talks too much” is madness

Nobody said the 3 year old should be made to feel uncomfortable, disliked or unable to relax/express herself in her own home.

But she does need to learn that guests aren’t there purely for her entertainment. She needs to treat her grandparents with a bit of respect and that includes not talking incessantly, interrupting adult conversations or ruling the roost. I say that as the mother of a child who was once a very hyperactive toddler who never sat still, and we had in-laws staying 6 weeks at a time. I had to teach her not to witter on and on at pils, wait for her turn to talk, accept ‘no’ if they don’t want to play at that moment. If I didn’t keep an eye on her she used to snatch the remote from them to put CBeebies on! They did bond but not instantly and it took time and parental input as DD seemed to view them as playthings at first!

I think OP’s parents have made it clear they’re not there to babysit or take on parental roles like putting a toddler to bed.

Toddlers are hard work and can be very irritating, it doesn’t mean they dislike her.

I’m guessing they hoped to spend more time together as a family, go on some nice day trips, perhaps get a babysitter the odd night so you can all go to a nice restaurant childfree?

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@Monstermunch67 Why do they do that though? Can’t they see the unfairness[/quote]
Cognitive dissonance. They've probably convinced themselves that they've always treated you and your sister equally, so they'll go out of their way to rationalise why this is the case. They'll feel uncomfortable if you point out the inconsistency between their behaviours and their beliefs so they'll avoid talking about it or minimise your feelings.

I'm surprised how many posters seem to have tried to make you sound unreliable OP.

It's really not that hard to look a door or look after a toddler for a bit. It's different when they're your own because you're doing that and having to put the washing on, Hoover, do the shopping, cook the dinner etc. Two people looking after one small child for an hour is not a major trial.

If they do find it too hard they shouldn't stay with you, it's not like the toddler was suddenly sprung upon them after they booked the holiday, except they seem to like the fact that a) it's free and b) they don't have to lift a finger.

I'd be really pissed off and I think they're being selfish.

*unreasonable not unreliable

@Summerbreeze4

I’m a bit confused as to why the front gate would nit always be locked as the default position, much safer, then say this is where the key is to unlock it if you need to.

I think you need to have a chat about how hurtful their comments were when you have never asked them for anything and then ask them why why they have never offered to babysit and give you a break when they have done so much for your sister. This needs to be discussed.

The OP has already explained that it's because people, including her DP, need to gain access to the property through this entrance - delivery people? Friends? The postman???

@StrangeToSee I've heard it all now. OP should get babysitters they can entertain DPs without her DD ? The GPs have the rest of the year to go out without their DGD, if they find her too much they come for a shorter time.

i've read without commenting thus far, but basic visits are far too long and buying and installing a fridge in your house without discussing it shows they still see you as an extension of them rather than your own family unit.

@StrangeToSee

The idea that a three-year-old should be made to feel uncomfortable, disliked and unable to relax and be herself in her own house for six week stretches because guests think she “talks too much” is madness

Nobody said the 3 year old should be made to feel uncomfortable, disliked or unable to relax/express herself in her own home.

But she does need to learn that guests aren’t there purely for her entertainment. She needs to treat her grandparents with a bit of respect and that includes not talking incessantly, interrupting adult conversations or ruling the roost. I say that as the mother of a child who was once a very hyperactive toddler who never sat still, and we had in-laws staying 6 weeks at a time. I had to teach her not to witter on and on at pils, wait for her turn to talk, accept ‘no’ if they don’t want to play at that moment. If I didn’t keep an eye on her she used to snatch the remote from them to put CBeebies on! They did bond but not instantly and it took time and parental input as DD seemed to view them as playthings at first!

I think OP’s parents have made it clear they’re not there to babysit or take on parental roles like putting a toddler to bed.

Toddlers are hard work and can be very irritating, it doesn’t mean they dislike her.

I’m guessing they hoped to spend more time together as a family, go on some nice day trips, perhaps get a babysitter the odd night so you can all go to a nice restaurant childfree?

Your idea of how toddlers should behave sounds quite old fashioned to me. It's verging on the old-style thing that children should be seen and not heard.

It's up to the OP how she brings up her child and she's already explained that she's a normal toddler not rude or obnoxious.

OP should get babysitters they can entertain DPs without her DD ? The GPs have the rest of the year to go out without their DGD, if they find her too much

I suggested a babysitter for an occasional childfree night. Because the grandparents haven’t only come to see their grandchild, presumably they want to spend time with their daughter and son in law too?

I don’t think it’s old fashioned to expect a 3 year old not to interrupt, to take turns talking and be polite to grandparents eg follow their instructions and not demand constant playing or an audience. But if you don’t teach these things how does the toddler learn what’s appropriate behaviour and what isn’t?

Wow the state of some of the comments! Fucking hell. Is the heat getting to everyone?

It's fair enough to be hurt by this. They sound unkind in their thinking. I often find people write narratives for others and see everything through that lense. They're probably worried you'll offload your dd on them. Which is rude to just decide.

Honesty it sounds like there's lots of stuff under the surface people aren't saying. I think I'd have a chat to clear the air.

@Wallywobbles Yes 🙈

@StrangeToSee Naturally, Dd is taught all those things and I step in when I feel it’s needed. Equally, she is a tiny, excited, full of life and love, little girl. She’s learning how to contain herself and is simply excited to see them.
Of course everyone doesn’t love toddlers, I adore her but find her utterly exhausting and annoying at times! As I’m sure she’ll find me as she gets older. But she’s her own person in her own home and it feels hurtful for her to be considered as some sort of nuisance.

Was awake thinking about it all last night and realise I need to be stronger, not in an angry, emotional way, but in a breezy yet firm way, to make it clear this is our home. I think I’ve exhausted myself in the past trying to make things so perfect for them, now I have Dd, it’s different, it’s all about her now, for me, or a large percentage more. I’m not cleaning up after anyone or managing everything around their moods.
My sister does none of what I do and she gets all the support! How can that be 🤷🏻‍♀️

@StrangeToSee We spend all our time together as a family, we go on day trips as a family..with Dd, she’s part of our family.

She hasn’t been with a babysitter yet (will
In a few months most likely) so I don’t want to spring one on her when they’re here and she’s already out of their routine.
Plus, I don’t want to spend lots on a babysitter, when she can come along with us to a restaurant etc (she sits nicely and is very used to doing it with us)