Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@StrangeToSee Naturally, Dd is taught all those things and I step in when I feel it’s needed. Equally, she is a tiny, excited, full of life and love, little girl. She’s learning how to contain herself and is simply excited to see them.
Of course everyone doesn’t love toddlers, I adore her but find her utterly exhausting and annoying at times! As I’m sure she’ll find me as she gets older. But she’s her own person in her own home and it feels hurtful for her to be considered as some sort of nuisance.

Was awake thinking about it all last night and realise I need to be stronger, not in an angry, emotional way, but in a breezy yet firm way, to make it clear this is our home. I think I’ve exhausted myself in the past trying to make things so perfect for them, now I have Dd, it’s different, it’s all about her now, for me, or a large percentage more. I’m not cleaning up after anyone or managing everything around their moods.
My sister does none of what I do and she gets all the support! How can that be 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Even leaving aside what they do for your sister (though I do understand your resentment) this sounds right.

They’re choosing to come stay with you. You’ll do what’s reasonable to be welcoming but that doesn’t mean prioritising their whims over your own family’s wants and needs for 6 weeks at a time. If they’re unhappy being around your daughter being herself in her own home, it’s their choice to either make themselves scarce during the day and go on a lot of trips etc or to come for shorter periods.

I really, really object to the idea it’s your daughter who needs to be, basically, muzzled based on what you’ve said about it. It doesn’t sound like she’s being allowed to run riot. Why shouldn’t she be happy and bubbly in her own home.

Your parents making it clear they don’t enjoy spending time with her, in front of her, bothers me too. She’s a person in her own right, a particularly vulnerable one who has less say than anyone over the situation, yet some posters seem to be suggesting her feelings and needs should be the bottom priority.

@SparrowNest Yes, totally agree, my dad is the typical joker type and likely they would think I was being too sensitive about his comments, but likely pretty soon, she’ll understand what they mean and might find it hurtful. I definitely know if I make a comment about it, they’ll make out I’m the one taking things too seriously and souring things.

I'd let it go to be honest. Could be tired from travelling etc. We all say things we don't mean, they weren't being nasty and if anything I'd have jokingly said at the time how tiresome toddlers are. No need rehash it.
My parents whisper to each other about me/siblings whilst were right there. I've learned to ignore it but if I overhear something, I answer them.

Sorry to hear that things are difficult with your parents, OP. Seems like you do need to be more up front about your expectations of them in this situation and if they aren't happy, then they can stay elsewhere.

Or if you can (I know it's hard...my son has only received three gifts ever from my parents and he is now 4, whereas my niece and nephew - who live near them - are spoiled, get loads of nice toys, iPads etc.), close yourself off to them emotionally and try to pretend that they are acquaintances rather than your parents. Might help you feel less aggro about their bad behaviour toward your dd, and communicate calmly rather than being upset. Even though I agree you have a right to be upset. It helps me to reframe things like that, anyway.

I really dislike “joker” types who like a bit of banter and it doesn’t matter if the butt of their jokes is younger, weaker or just a child as long as they get to crack their joke and be the centre of attention. The more you write about your dad the less I like him. Self centred, egotistical, can’t deviate from his routine and now nasty to people dressed up as banter.

Personally I would push back and challenge him and if they think you’re too sensitive or souring their visit then maybe the won’t come for as long or often next time.

It's often a older man exhibiting that "jokey" behaviour which borders on offensive at times

@StrangeToSee

OP should get babysitters they can entertain DPs without her DD ? The GPs have the rest of the year to go out without their DGD, if they find her too much

I suggested a babysitter for an occasional childfree night. Because the grandparents haven’t only come to see their grandchild, presumably they want to spend time with their daughter and son in law too?

I don’t think it’s old fashioned to expect a 3 year old not to interrupt, to take turns talking and be polite to grandparents eg follow their instructions and not demand constant playing or an audience. But if you don’t teach these things how does the toddler learn what’s appropriate behaviour and what isn’t?

You may not. I think your attitude is old fashioned. It's a toddler for goodness sake not a six year old.

Of course you begin to teach your children good behaviour. But you sound like the children just have to fit in with the adults rather than everyone fitting in with each other, which is why I think your attitude is old fashioned.

Of course you begin to teach your children good behaviour. But you sound like the children just have to fit in with the adults rather than everyone fitting in with each other, which is why I think your attitude is old fashioned.*

Bingo. It goes two ways, and the toddler is both the least capable of understanding the feelings of others and adapting their behaviour accordingly, and the one with no say over how the situation in their own home has changed.

Baffles me that some posters seem to demanding more consideration from a three-year-old than from her adult grandparents.

you sound like the children just have to fit in with the adults rather than everyone fitting in with each other, which is why I think your attitude is old fashioned

When you have 2 adult guests who’ve travelled a long way to see you, I think the child does need to fit in with adults to some extent. It’s not all about what the child wants. Presumably at almost 3 this little girl attends nursery and will start school in a year.

It sounds like you and DH want the visit to revolve around your DD, and for your parents to adore her the way you do. And they may well adore her just find her behaviour hard to tolerate.

Unless you step in and distract or remind her about turn taking eg when she’s getting over-excited, interrupting or talking non stop. These aren’t unfamiliar concepts to most 3 year olds. At nursery they’re taught to listen respectfully to others, not interrupt, take turns, follow simple rules (eg no running or shouting indoors). The adults’ time and attention is shared between a large group of kids.

But as a PP said, children her age don’t always notice the reactions of others, so if she’s been chattering on for half an hour and your parents start looking fed up/bored/frustrated isn’t it up to her parents to monitor this? A gentle ‘I think Grandpa’s heard enough about Paw Patrol now, shall we go and get a book to read?’ won’t hurt her feelings.

I’m sure the grandparents don’t mind the odd trip to a playground, soft play or farm, but if that’s the only type of outing won’t they get bored? Why can’t days out be about everyone eg visit a National Trust place and either you or DH take DD for a walk in the grounds if she doesn’t want to go inside?

Carrying on as you usually would sounds a good idea; provided you don’t expect the grandparents to help with any childcare, supervision, bedtimes etc and don’t mind if they do their own thing some days. Comparing the support they give to your sibling doesn’t make sense as the sibling’s children are much older, and live close enough to see the grandparents little and often.

@DysmalRadius

Most people would preempt this becoming a "situation" by just having the gate locked...

Indeed - in fact, I think that was what the OP was hoping for when she asked her parents to lock the gate.

😂 exactly

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe I'd have it out with them later, all of it. Just say the things you've mentioned, (even if you said it at the time) and clear anything you might be feeling towards them. I'd be miffed too in this scenario, especially if they were basically having a free holiday and still complaining about my child in her space. I'd just say it politely but bluntly.

@StrangeToSee It’s frustrating when someone posts without reading, so I’m not going to address all those points as I feel
I’m covering the same ground repeatedly.
Of course Dd is taught to take her turn, to not interrupt etc etc, I’m also aware that they learn this at nursery as I’m an Early years teacher. Suffice to say, she’s always taught right from wrong and this isn’t the issue.

We’ve always done exactly what my parents (dad really) have wanted to do. When Dd was a baby, it also still sort of worked, she’d sit nicely in her buggy for long walks or at cafes whilst we chatted. Now, she wants to run around more and have fun! She wants to go to playgrounds now that they’re open etc etc. I’ve always been very flexible about all sharing where we’d ‘All’ like to go. In the past I gave up as it was easier to do what they wanted each day and when they left I could just get back to doing what I liked, no problem really, annoying for some, but as I said, I’m very adaptable. However, now DD’s here, things are different, her needs are not the only needs to be considered, but they are pretty vital 🤷🏻‍♀️There has to now be some give and take and that’s something I have, in my own way, made clear.

Sisters kids are older, yes, but when they were younger a huge bulk of attention and childcare went on them. Even now they’re teenagers, she’s always tripping over herself to drive them everywhere, take them shopping etc

What a drama about a harmless comment that you weren't even supposed to hear

Your parents love you and DD. They have travelled to visit and stay with you. It seems a strange relationship, I can't imagine having a stand off with my mum about dishes, I would just say can you stick those dishes in the sink please? Or can you keep a quick eye on DD while I wash the dishes? Tbh it sounds like you don't really want them there.

@lordalmighty Absolute bullshit

Gosh, there's some awful wittering on this thread!

It's bloody obvious that the OP was safeguarding a situation wherein her DD might have asked her GPs to let her go outside, and they might have opened the house/patio door for her to do that if OP wasn't in the immediate vicinity, not realising that the DD could open the gate. The OP was pointing that out to her parents and asking them to lock the gate IF they let her DD out into the garden.

All the banging on about childcare, poor put-upon GPs (who seem quite happy to put upon the OP!) etc is just made up extrapolation by posters determined that the OP is In The Wrong.

I also agree that the OP's DD should be allowed to be herself in her own home. If she had gone to her GPs' home, then a little more restraint should be expected from her - but it's HER home, and THEY should be more accommodating of that. If they're fed up of her talking to them, then THEY can tell her (nicely!) that they're a bit tired now and need to go and do something else. They're quite old enough to be able to state that themselves, without the OP having to helicopter around.

Equally if it's such a trial for them to be around OP's DD for long, then they should bloody well have thought about that before booking themselves in at Hotel @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe for as long as they have!

If you don't like what you're going to find at someone's home, then don't foist yourselves upon them.

@lordalmighty

What a drama about a harmless comment that you weren't even supposed to hear

Your parents love you and DD. They have travelled to visit and stay with you. It seems a strange relationship, I can't imagine having a stand off with my mum about dishes, I would just say can you stick those dishes in the sink please? Or can you keep a quick eye on DD while I wash the dishes? Tbh it sounds like you don't really want them there.

The way they treat her and her child as an inconvenience i fucking wouldn't want them there

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Gosh, there's some awful wittering on this thread!

It's bloody obvious that the OP was safeguarding a situation wherein her DD might have asked her GPs to let her go outside, and they might have opened the house/patio door for her to do that if OP wasn't in the immediate vicinity, not realising that the DD could open the gate. The OP was pointing that out to her parents and asking them to lock the gate IF they let her DD out into the garden.

All the banging on about childcare, poor put-upon GPs (who seem quite happy to put upon the OP!) etc is just made up extrapolation by posters determined that the OP is In The Wrong.

I also agree that the OP's DD should be allowed to be herself in her own home. If she had gone to her GPs' home, then a little more restraint should be expected from her - but it's HER home, and THEY should be more accommodating of that. If they're fed up of her talking to them, then THEY can tell her (nicely!) that they're a bit tired now and need to go and do something else. They're quite old enough to be able to state that themselves, without the OP having to helicopter around.

Equally if it's such a trial for them to be around OP's DD for long, then they should bloody well have thought about that before booking themselves in at Hotel @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe for as long as they have!

If you don't like what you're going to find at someone's home, then don't foist yourselves upon them.

This 100%. I don't see how this isn't glaringly obvious.

OP YANBU in the slightest.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Gosh, there's some awful wittering on this thread!

It's bloody obvious that the OP was safeguarding a situation wherein her DD might have asked her GPs to let her go outside, and they might have opened the house/patio door for her to do that if OP wasn't in the immediate vicinity, not realising that the DD could open the gate. The OP was pointing that out to her parents and asking them to lock the gate IF they let her DD out into the garden.

All the banging on about childcare, poor put-upon GPs (who seem quite happy to put upon the OP!) etc is just made up extrapolation by posters determined that the OP is In The Wrong.

I also agree that the OP's DD should be allowed to be herself in her own home. If she had gone to her GPs' home, then a little more restraint should be expected from her - but it's HER home, and THEY should be more accommodating of that. If they're fed up of her talking to them, then THEY can tell her (nicely!) that they're a bit tired now and need to go and do something else. They're quite old enough to be able to state that themselves, without the OP having to helicopter around.

Equally if it's such a trial for them to be around OP's DD for long, then they should bloody well have thought about that before booking themselves in at Hotel @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe for as long as they have!

If you don't like what you're going to find at someone's home, then don't foist yourselves upon them.

yes - absolutely bang on

@StrangeToSee

you sound like the children just have to fit in with the adults rather than everyone fitting in with each other, which is why I think your attitude is old fashioned

When you have 2 adult guests who’ve travelled a long way to see you, I think the child does need to fit in with adults to some extent. It’s not all about what the child wants. Presumably at almost 3 this little girl attends nursery and will start school in a year.

It sounds like you and DH want the visit to revolve around your DD, and for your parents to adore her the way you do. And they may well adore her just find her behaviour hard to tolerate.

Unless you step in and distract or remind her about turn taking eg when she’s getting over-excited, interrupting or talking non stop. These aren’t unfamiliar concepts to most 3 year olds. At nursery they’re taught to listen respectfully to others, not interrupt, take turns, follow simple rules (eg no running or shouting indoors). The adults’ time and attention is shared between a large group of kids.

But as a PP said, children her age don’t always notice the reactions of others, so if she’s been chattering on for half an hour and your parents start looking fed up/bored/frustrated isn’t it up to her parents to monitor this? A gentle ‘I think Grandpa’s heard enough about Paw Patrol now, shall we go and get a book to read?’ won’t hurt her feelings.

I’m sure the grandparents don’t mind the odd trip to a playground, soft play or farm, but if that’s the only type of outing won’t they get bored? Why can’t days out be about everyone eg visit a National Trust place and either you or DH take DD for a walk in the grounds if she doesn’t want to go inside?

Carrying on as you usually would sounds a good idea; provided you don’t expect the grandparents to help with any childcare, supervision, bedtimes etc and don’t mind if they do their own thing some days. Comparing the support they give to your sibling doesn’t make sense as the sibling’s children are much older, and live close enough to see the grandparents little and often.

You're talking about the GPs as if they're making some great sacrifice. They're going to their daughter's for a holiday in a nice location. She's doing all the catering, shopping and housework.

When you go to someone else's house for an extended period it doesn't all revolve around you and your needs, especially when your host has a small child to look after.

As the OP is abroad, I don't think there would be many NT places. And in any case, if there going just to see the OP, rather than for a cheap holiday, why can't they put some effort in to organise things on her behalf. They can please themselves the entire rest of their lives.

I bet if it was the other way round and the OP was going to see them, staying in their house and not lifting a finger, you'd be saying it's their house, their rules and she should fit in with them.

And no it isn't up to the OP to mediate between the grandparents and grandchild all the time. It's not a complete stranger she's having to be polite to.

Nursery is a very different setting to a child's own home. You wouldn't expect the same rules to apply.

Once again I think you have very old fashioned views, even for someone clearly not the same generation as the OP. You frankly sound like my parents generation and I'm much older than the OP.

If you live abroad then of course they don't see you much. That makes sense why they do a lot for your sister. I wouldn't sound bitter.
It also means they haven't seen your children much and aren't used to the temperament. There can be massive differences between children. Some are easy to look after and some aren't. Yes maybe your sisters children were less active.

OP if you linked to your other thread I think your be getting very f'different responses

@Wallywobbles

OP if you linked to your other thread I think your be getting very f'different responses

Why? If there's a backstory why not put it in the op?

Just tell them to bugger off to a hotel. Tht will shut them up.

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@lordalmighty Absolute bullshit[/quote]

Yup!! 🌹

Well that's how it read to me! You obviously have a different relationship with your parents than I am used to. I said I CANNOT PERSONALLY imagine a situation like this occurring in my life. If I overheard my mum talking about me and it annoyed me enough I would ask her if anything had upset her & tell her I was just speaking in general about the lock for safety etc. I also would have no qualms in asking her to wash the dishes if I was busy. It is a very different set up from anyone I know so I was giving you my perspective that's all. It wasn't an attack on you personally. It reads TO ME as though having your parents there is more stressful for you than not.