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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family party and the unvaccinated

258 replies

JanetPondersley · 16/07/2021 12:30

My immediate family are throwing a medium sized, outdoor, family party to celebrate all the celebrations we have missed over the last 18 months.

All the Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc we are close to are invited, along with some close family friends.

We have always been close to one particular cousin and her family. Me and my siblings are close in age to her and her siblings.

The issue is, this particular cousin and her husband are refusing to have the vaccine. I unfriended them a while ago on facebook as the husband likes to share delightful 'patriotic' memes (which is a whole other story), and the husband has fallen hook, line and sinker for all the anti mask / anti vax rhetoric. He calls face masks face nappies and muzzles. (insert the biggest eyeroll you can imagine here)

There will be a number of unvaccinated children there, including a new born who will be somewhere around a month old then. Also a friend who is unable to be vaccinated, so as a family we have decided that we won't be inviting the cousin due to choosing not to be vaccinated.

This has obviously led to drama. Personally, I couldn't care less. If people want to refuse to come because we haven't invited this cousin, they are welcome to not come. But it's really upset my mum, who is elderly and had a shittier than average past 18 months. She wants me and my siblings to back down and keep the peace.

AIBU to stick to our guns and not invite the cousin?

OP posts:
Twokitstwokats · 16/07/2021 20:14

I despair.
I hate this culture of accountability. I will never do a lft because a friend asks me to. If you are nervous about Covid, don't have a party.

Ratalie · 16/07/2021 20:21

What happened to personal choice?
Nothing.

Relatives have chosen not to be vaccinated.

OP has chosen not to invite them.

All good.

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 20:38

My SIL mother chose not to be vaccinated.
We chose not to invite her to the family BBQ.

We feel strongly about playing your part, her choice is a valid one for her, ours is a valid one for us.

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 20:40

@rubbletrouble

My SIL mother chose not to be vaccinated. We chose not to invite her to the family BBQ.

We feel strongly about playing your part, her choice is a valid one for her, ours is a valid one for us.

How long are you planning to ostracize her for?

If she was unable to be vaccinated, would you be treating her the same?

Ratalie · 16/07/2021 20:53

If she was unable to be vaccinated, would you be treating her the same?
Most people seem to be entirely content to distinguish between those who won't and those who can't. I know you advocate for treating them the same but, for many of us who would like to see an end to the pandemic, there is a world of difference between being unable to vaccinate (usually met with sympathy) or being unwilling (usually met with some degree of judgment, particularly if the refuser is also an anti-matter, or thinks covid isn't real, etc).

Ratalie · 16/07/2021 20:53

Anti masker, not anti matter....

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 20:53

How long are you planning to ostracize her for?

If she was unable to be vaccinated, would you be treating her the same?

As long as she continues to opt out of contributing to society in a positive way.

No we wouldn't.

Darbs76 · 16/07/2021 20:59

Whether those who choose not to be vaccinated like it or not many people have changed their views on friends who aren’t prepared to have the vaccine for the greater good. It wouldn’t stop me from mixing with a genuine friend but I’ve gone right off my friends husband who sounds just like this guy, he is spouting a load of nonsense re great financial resets and believes the virus isn’t real. Given my son has Covid right now that kind of attitude annoys me so no I wouldn’t be inviting him either

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 21:01

@Darbs76

Whether those who choose not to be vaccinated like it or not many people have changed their views on friends who aren’t prepared to have the vaccine for the greater good. It wouldn’t stop me from mixing with a genuine friend but I’ve gone right off my friends husband who sounds just like this guy, he is spouting a load of nonsense re great financial resets and believes the virus isn’t real. Given my son has Covid right now that kind of attitude annoys me so no I wouldn’t be inviting him either
Yes, I get that. Listening to people spout those sorts of opinions when people, including ourselves have sacrificed so much on the last 18 months is just a kick in the teeth to us. I don't wish to be around those sorts of views
CoopsMalloops · 16/07/2021 21:06

Two of my double jabbed work colleges suffered with covid. At deaths door we were lead to believe, I’m day 3 after testing pos for covid - caught from a clean jabbed super human and I feel fine -unjabbed too. Sorry to pop your crazy bubble.

Just don’t invite them if you don’t like them, if your house.

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 21:06

@Ratalie

If she was unable to be vaccinated, would you be treating her the same? Most people seem to be entirely content to distinguish between those who won't and those who can't. I know you advocate for treating them the same but, for many of us who would like to see an end to the pandemic, there is a world of difference between being unable to vaccinate (usually met with sympathy) or being unwilling (usually met with some degree of judgment, particularly if the refuser is also an anti-matter, or thinks covid isn't real, etc).
It just seems really petty to me, to treat unvaccinated by choice and unvaccinated by medical reason differently. Both pose the same risk to everyone else.
rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 21:18

It just seems really petty to me, to treat unvaccinated by choice and unvaccinated by medical reason differently. Both pose the same risk to everyone else.

It's not "petty" to those who have sacrificed so much or lost so much in the last 18 months, to then sit and listen to someone opting to not try and help society.
To someone who is classed as vulnerable it's not petty for someone to choose to not be around the person opting not to help reduce that risk.

The risk may be the same, but one can choose to reduce that risk while the other can't, you really can't see the difference ?

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 21:28

YANBU but honestly after seeing some posts today expect a lot of people to be jumping on you for this.

I lost by DB (25 and healthy), both parents (50’s & healthy) and my lovely grandmother to Covid. I am also having to still shield even though I am double vaccinated because I have a condition which can easily kill me if my lungs are affected. Luckily the rest of my family understand the importance after such a awful time.

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 21:30

@CoopsMalloops

Two of my double jabbed work colleges suffered with covid. At deaths door we were lead to believe, I’m day 3 after testing pos for covid - caught from a clean jabbed super human and I feel fine -unjabbed too. Sorry to pop your crazy bubble.

Just don’t invite them if you don’t like them, if your house.

Good for you Hmm
Ratalie · 16/07/2021 21:31

It just seems really petty to me, to treat unvaccinated by choice and unvaccinated by medical reason differently. Both pose the same risk to everyone else.
I think most people will excuse the behaviours/actions/inactions that they don't otherwise agree with, if the relevant person is medically unable to behave/act otherwise.

Growing up, I had a friend with a degree of urinary incontinence. They peed on my bed at least a couple of times. I wasn't delighted when it happened but they were my friend and i knew they couldn't help it, so I always treated it as a non-issue.

I probably would have felt quite different if someone had taken a conscious decision to pee on my bed.

annacondom · 16/07/2021 21:38

I think it's a shame to not invite someone you said you were close to (in your OP) just because of their daft views. I have a cousin whose views I hate but put it aside at family parties and we all have a good catch up. They are family, after all. Can't you just ignore their views for the duration of the party and for your mum's sake? I'm sure everyone will just want to have a good time.

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 21:40

@rubbletrouble

It just seems really petty to me, to treat unvaccinated by choice and unvaccinated by medical reason differently. Both pose the same risk to everyone else.

It's not "petty" to those who have sacrificed so much or lost so much in the last 18 months, to then sit and listen to someone opting to not try and help society.
To someone who is classed as vulnerable it's not petty for someone to choose to not be around the person opting not to help reduce that risk.

The risk may be the same, but one can choose to reduce that risk while the other can't, you really can't see the difference ?

Why do you assume someone not getting the vaccine has also not sacrificed a lot during the pandemic?
rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 21:45

Why do you assume someone not getting the vaccine has also not sacrificed a lot during the pandemic?

I don't, but they are not helping themselves or others by not getting vaccinated.

Again, can you not see the difference between then 2?

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 21:50

@rubbletrouble

Why do you assume someone not getting the vaccine has also not sacrificed a lot during the pandemic?

I don't, but they are not helping themselves or others by not getting vaccinated.

Again, can you not see the difference between then 2?

When I see someone ostracising another person for not having the vaccine, I just see someone throwing their toys out the pram "waaaah, you are not doing the same thing as me".

I get CEV maybe wanting to keep their distance from people who have not had the vaccine, but totally cutting people off, and ending friendships is extreme.... and yes, it is petty.

I am not getting the vaccine. All but one friend is still happy to see me, one of which is CV. She is double jabbed so sees no risk from me. The one "friend" who had issue with it... called me a selfish cunt, despite knowing why I wont be getting it (severe needle phobia).

RolloTomassi · 16/07/2021 21:55

What side do I end up falling? Support my mum (against my own principles) and keep the peace?

Yes, I'd do that, it's the most harmless choice.

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 21:57

@XenoBitch so you don't understand the difference then and are deaf to the reasoning it is not at all petty. Proving the reason Why we would not wish for you to be in company. It a selfish choice and trying to justify it, is a kick in the teeth to those who have suffered and will continue to while this shitshow continues.

Sadly If you don't make decisions that are kind toward others, they may not make them back for you.

But again it's choice, we make ours they make there's. Don't complain at others choices when they are a result of your own,

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 21:58

When I see someone ostracising another person for not having the vaccine, I just see someone throwing their toys out the pram "waaaah, you are not doing the same thing as me".

Sorry, you do understand it's you moaning. Demanding to be included, we are just quietly carrying on with our little life.

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 21:58

[quote rubbletrouble]@XenoBitch so you don't understand the difference then and are deaf to the reasoning it is not at all petty. Proving the reason Why we would not wish for you to be in company. It a selfish choice and trying to justify it, is a kick in the teeth to those who have suffered and will continue to while this shitshow continues.

Sadly If you don't make decisions that are kind toward others, they may not make them back for you.

But again it's choice, we make ours they make there's. Don't complain at others choices when they are a result of your own, [/quote]
It is petty to cut someone off for not having a medical procedure.

My phobia is not a choice by the way.

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 22:02

It is petty to cut someone off for not having a medical procedure.

Not when it effects the rest of society it isn't, its the sensible thing to do,
Great if it only effects you, crack on, but this doesn't, so if people can, they should have it done, if they opt out of a decent society, that's on them, Don't moan about it.

XenoBitch · 16/07/2021 22:03

@rubbletrouble

It is petty to cut someone off for not having a medical procedure.

Not when it effects the rest of society it isn't, its the sensible thing to do,
Great if it only effects you, crack on, but this doesn't, so if people can, they should have it done, if they opt out of a decent society, that's on them, Don't moan about it.

One day, it might be a medical procedure you are not happy with.
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