Pandemic dad having eyes opened

[AwakeAwake]

Men get paternity leave for first 2 weeks or month if lucky.
Babies usually just sleep and feed that first week or two.
Therefore men are getting a false sense of what it is to parent small baby.

My husband has never spent much time with tiny child until now working from home and new arrival in the house.
Previous children he's just been off a week, held a sleepy newborn and back to work when the real excitement kicks off.

Aibu to think that pandemic parents are getting a taste finally of how bloody challenging a baby is?
No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

The washing, cleaning, nappies, activities, screaming, tantrums etc. All laid bare at last.

My husband genuinely looked surprised that a toddler has tantrums as he didn't see it with first, potty training doesn't just magically occur, food splatters everywhere and must be cleaned up. These are all new to him.

Paternity leave should be month 2.

IMO women invariably get just the amount of shit behaviour they will put up with.

So you'd be a lazy cow if your husband 'let' you? Weird. I wouldn't. I don't think anyone would blame dh if I was though. Gosh it's almost like sexism exists

@Happyhappyday

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.

"He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office."

Wow.. just.. wow. I guess no-one in your world ever worked a blue collar job where 12hr shifts, overnights, and being away for days at a time never happened.

Get your head out of your privileged arse.

I'm glad he's stepping up, OP. Weird isn't it how so many women just get and do the parenting thing and so many men seem to have to have it demonstrated to them what it's like before they get it.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Your partner has purposefully affected that daft dad it’s all new to me persona This is nothing to do with paternity leave and everything to do with him needing to step up as a parent,partner and adult Out of interest why isn’t he washing his own uniform?

To be fair most women have no idea what is involved in having a child . I remember thinking with my first "what do people go on about ? This is easy " in those first few weeks - yeah right .😬

I think the OP has a point. You only have to read MN for a day or so and you will find multiple threads about partners and husbands who have no idea of the reality of bringing up kids, and just fuck off out for their hobbies without a second glance, dump the kids on their own mothers when they are left in charge, bury themselves with DIY or other menz jobs to dodge looking after their kids. This happens.

@RocksOnTheHill

I understand you OP. I doubt even dads who help out when they get home and say they understand it, really do. It's the constant childcare plus managing a house and the mental load.

My DH often comes back from work and complains over little things not done e.g. a small puddle of water spilt on the floor that I've missed. He's at work 8-6 Mon to Fri and out from 10.30am on a Saturday til late playing sport. So he really only sees Sundays at home.

He has very little tolerance for normal young child behaviours like tantrums or making silly, repetitive sounds.

I take the odd Sunday, maybe 5-6 days a year, to see a friend and when I come back he either tells me how easy the day had been or complains about the kids behaviour. The house is always a tip when I come back, the washing up not done, no washing done, no house admin. He basically just watches the kids and that's easy. Or their behaviour is unreasonable. It's not, it's to be expected.

I don't think one day a week after you wife has been sorting the childcare and house for the other six days, can really show you what being a SAHP really entails.

i had one like that... he's now my Ex.

@MyriadeOfThings I would even go further and say that the couple of fathers I know who are raising their children in their own (both widows) still don’t put the effort and involvement that most mothers put in.

Oh, so if I’m not doing it, who is?

Some men will step up when it's brought to their attention, and some won't. You just to have read threads on here to know this. And it's not always possible to differentiate before you have children.

But at that point women have a choice about whether to spend their lives managing an extra child or do without them. Over the years I've been struck by how many women found single parenthood less stressful and less work than living with a slacker for a DH.

Leave him for a weekend.
If DC is a toddler he should well have a grip on, if not the DC will call on you for everything.
My DP is involved and the DC still call for me 95% of the time.
When he is home I reply "ask your dad"

Paternity leave shouldn’t be longer just because some dickheads don’t listen to and believe their partners 🤷🏻‍♀️

That type of man would just enjoy an extra month of paid time off doing fuck all.

[quote SimonJT]**@MyriadeOfThings* I would even go further and say that the couple of fathers I know who are raising their children in their own (both widows) still don’t put the effort and involvement that most mothers put in.*

Oh, so if I’m not doing it, who is?[/quote]
That’s clearly not directed at you personally 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jesus, OP is getting a right bashing here off some of you. So lovely that you have the best husbands ever who work and do absolutely everything else!

I completely understand where you are coming from @AwakeAwake. My DP is amazing and a very good father who does more than his share. That being said he is out of the house working all day so no, he doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day every day doing everything.

You can still be a good husband/father and be a little clueless you know

I don’t think you need to be doing it to know how tiring it is. This is definitely an issue with your DH.

@Happyhappyday

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.

???? I don’t know what your husband does, but if he always turns up promptly at 5pm to do potty training and the homework then I suspect it’s nothing it’s not massively world changing! In many fields - law, medicine, finance, running own business you seriously do have to put in more than 12 hours a day! You can’t run away from a busy A&e department to calm a toddler tantrum! You cant abandon a big negotiation as your partner needs some help with doing the kids homework! Honestly - I don’t know any families round here that have both parents around every evening! One will usually always get home after the kids are in bed.

Wow, everyone coming out of the woodwork to say how wonderful their husband is! Very supportive.

This here is part of the problem. People are allowed to come on here and slag their spouses off but anyone who says theirs is a part of family like aren’t allowed to. This is why the picture of marriages, families and men is so slanted on MN.

It’s not unsupportive, smug or unrealistic to say you’re part of an equal partnership and that women who aren’t could and should want better.

..and it’s not prioritising family over work...it’s ensuring your family have plenty of money to afford luxuries and bills!

@1forAll74

My late Husband went to work the next day after both our children were born.I don't think paternity leave was a thing then. I was able to cope well with all things baby wise etc,and didn't need any help. Both of the Grandparents lived miles away, so no family help at all.

How I agree with your comment. Sometimes I just smile and nod when I hear people complain about ‘how tough it is’ - they just have no idea what was perfectly normal years ago……..!

Expected to be bashed so it's ok. Especially 3kids later. I enjoy them and just get on with it. Just wouldn't mind not having to justify my job. But my paid job I get just as much dismissal because I like it so it's surely not as hard as sitting all day having loud meetings.

Like I said, retirement will be the equaliser. 🤣

He can still slip back into 'what did you do today?'

God forbid anyone makes conversation and asks you what you’ve been up to over dinner

@Rosesareyellow

He can still slip back into 'what did you do today?'

God forbid anyone makes conversation and asks you what you’ve been up to over dinner

Yeah that's not what he's asking. He'll say it if I've said empty the dishwasher etc

Wow, everyone coming out of the woodwork to say how wonderful their husband is! Very supportive.

So only agreeing and complaining about husbands is allowed?
Plenty of husbands are wonderful and I think it is worth pointing that out rather than acting like unsupportive husbands are the inevitable norm and if you want children you have to make do with that and deal with it by venting on MN from time to time.

I don’t know what your husband does, but if he always turns up promptly at 5pm to do potty training and the homework then I suspect it’s nothing it’s not massively world changing! In many fields - law, medicine, finance, running own business you seriously do have to put in more than 12 hours a day! You can’t run away from a busy A&e department to calm a toddler tantrum! You cant abandon a big negotiation as your partner needs some help with doing the kids homework!

Do any of these Very Important Men with Very Important Jobs have any female colleagues who also have kids, do you think? Or do all working mums just potter about for a bit of pin money?

I don’t ‘turn up promptly at 5pm’ every day either, but my children have two working parents and need someone to collect from school and childcare, someone to feed them, someone to help with homework, someone to change nappies and do baths and bedtimes etc etc etc. We make it work, like most parents in our position do.

Like I said, retirement will be the equaliser. 🤣

It won't. After a lifetime of this behaviour he won't suddenly change on retirement, however many teens you have.

Even for those who only take two weeks paternity leave, this can be taken at any time. It doesn't have to be the first two weeks. So to the pp who said it should be weeks 8-10, it can be, if the father arranges it like that.