Pandemic dad having eyes opened

[AwakeAwake]

Men get paternity leave for first 2 weeks or month if lucky.
Babies usually just sleep and feed that first week or two.
Therefore men are getting a false sense of what it is to parent small baby.

My husband has never spent much time with tiny child until now working from home and new arrival in the house.
Previous children he's just been off a week, held a sleepy newborn and back to work when the real excitement kicks off.

Aibu to think that pandemic parents are getting a taste finally of how bloody challenging a baby is?
No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

The washing, cleaning, nappies, activities, screaming, tantrums etc. All laid bare at last.

My husband genuinely looked surprised that a toddler has tantrums as he didn't see it with first, potty training doesn't just magically occur, food splatters everywhere and must be cleaned up. These are all new to him.

Paternity leave should be month 2.

We had a role reversal in lock down and my husband complained i wasn't helping. I did point out that this was my life for 10 years and he hid behind work. We have now. balanced approach now. He plans all the meals and we repaired. i do all the washing and ironing. Before i used to do it all.

My husband is a fully engaged father. Always has been. A brilliant hands on Dad so has t found out anything shocking in lockdown. I can’t believe how many shit fathers and husbands there are on here. It makes me feel lucky.

Neither of us were stay at home parents, it didn’t come as a surprise to either of us that our child wasn’t a walk in the park to look after on the days we were at home with her.

Even if they are out of the home for working hours, presumably they see what happens in the evening and on the weekends, during holidays etc?

If it took a pandemic for a parent to realise their children need looking after, there are bigger problems at play.

Nonsense. Such a sweeping and crappy statement for Dad's. I think you're just talking about your own experiences of shit Dads and partners. My OH worked full time, mostly used his annual leave to be at home with his children when my job wouldn't allow, was hands on and most certainly under no illusions how demanding caring for babies can be. Did more than his fair share of night feeds etc. I don't think this is at all unusual tbh

I did vote YABU, but only because with even two months of paternity leave, they still don't see tantrums, food splatters, toddlers running amok! And you are right...they generally have no clue. AND when they work from home, all too often, they expect their wives to keep things quiet as mice in the home.

Maybe you fell into the trap of taking care of everything and not insisting he do his bit or he would already have known the realities of small children - maybe have a summit meeting now and work out what you are both going to do differently in future - you must have protected him so much from real life - never good

I know what you mean . My ex was completely useless. He went to work come home had his tea and watched football . He never changed a nappy gave a bottle and I still don’t know if the useless bloke knows how to use a hoover . I was just lazy staying at home . With 2 children under the age of 2 and a half and my eldest being very poorly it was hard work and I was very tearful most of the time .

I don't get this unless your husband works 7 days a week he would see what the kids are like on the weekends.

I honestly thought, when i read thread title, of my dad who wants everyone to mandatory be required jabs.

Oh maybe he'd allow medical exemptions, but basically no one else gets to opt out.

Bodily autonomy? who cares!?

I'd like my dad's eyes to be opened.

If you are breastfeeding why not try expressing your milk and giving him the baby to take a bit of stress away if you can. Ask him to help more on weekends only my suggestions so please ignore if any offence.

Yes and no - my partner gets it but far too often he catches me chilling while my children sleep.

But he did arrive at just the right moment on a lunchtime where the toddler had just finished his lunch - so food everywhere on the table that needed cleaning and I had started changing the babies dirty nappy on a mat on the sofa (kitchen table too dirty) and the baby had pooed and wee everywhere and as I was trying to clean the baby, toddler is 'helping' too.

Utter chaos!

No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

It's not good if your husband doesn't appreciate what you do. And he should surely be doing his bit at the weekend etc when he isn't wfh. But 'escaping to work' - really?! I guess it depends what job you do, but I found being at home with a baby and a toddler waaaayyy easier than being at work.

Um...whatever arrangement you and your husband has doesn't seem to be working well for anybody but him.

My husband knew exactly what was involved, because he made damn sure he was there for all of it. Yes, he did long days at work (plus a 3hr round trip) but when he came home, he'd cook, clean, bath the kids, rock a colicky baby for hours, play with them, change nappies, get up for night feeds (Thurs, Fri, Sat while I was on mat leave, equally when I returned to work) and was totally comfortable looking after them if I went out to the shops/to see friends/away for the weekend. Every big decision like toilet training we agreed in advance and implemented together. Now the kids are older (12 & 11) it's pretty much the same except the night feeds and nappies - he's totally hands-on and we wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sorry you don't have the same support, sorry for your husband for all he's missing out on, and sorry for your little ones who can't be their noisy, chaotic selves while daddy's working.

@ERFFER

AwakeAwake OP , GIRL I FEEL YOU! My DH was/is a nightmare and was always shocked when I hadn’t eaten or drank ( or pooped!) all day !?

Today DS had a poop explosion and DH lost his mind - tantrums that would’ve put your toddler to shame.

He actually said , in the middle of al the “chaos”
“But WHEN will I get to have my porridge!?”
I was like “ mate. This is how it goes. Sometimes you just don’t GET the porridge …” wtf does he think I do when I’m home all day with baby ?

He did leave to eat porridge. DS had poop in his ear. Made him scrub and clean everything again ( and gave him an earful )
I think some guys think babies come ready-to-go or pre programmed? I wish the Dads did!!
Baby pooped all over the bed whilst DH sat beside him about 5 hours later …
Some dads are just stupid d*cks …

If we write a book please let's call it 'sometimes we don't get the porridge'

Husband isn't completely shit He's just not seen a day of child chaos close up. He's often on a meeting and like, what is that noise?

Weekends and evenings there's been two of us so not the same.

I did laugh when he complained eldest took ages getting ready for school, because he'd just not seen it.

This is a your husband problem not all or most men problem!
I went back to work 6 weeks after giving birth to our 1st born and my husband (then boyfriend) took over all the duties of raising our son. He cooked he cleaned made sure son was fed changed and happy. He took him out for walks in his pram and he said it was the best time of his life. Hubby was out of work at the time (hence why I went back to work) and he says it got him out the house to forget the stress about being unemployed. He loved every minute of it.

lol at all the indignant superior relationship posts. God forbid anyone could show a little empathy 🙄

@PrettyLittleFlies

lol at all the indignant superior relationship posts. God forbid anyone could show a little empathy 🙄

Empathy for what?

My empathy I tend to save for people actually suffering.

A lot of the responses on here are pretty nasty and vile. Accusing the DH of being awful and useless and a problem without really considering what the OP has said or that this is the man she loves. I think these people are being grossly unfair and a little bit silly. Their lives and partners aren’t perfect but rather then empathising they become supercilious, quickly pass judgement and miss the point. It’s so ugly and one of the reasons I would think twice before asking advice on here.

@Bangolads unfortunately you will find a lot of man bashing on here. On nearly every thread it turns to your husband /boyfriend is a complete dick I would throw him out or leave him immediately. Or he is useless he needs to act like a proper man etc. No wonder men don’t speak out about their feelings as they are just shot down and mocked.

You had kids with someone who works such long hours, he can barely contribute to home life.

DH took the last three months of shared parental leave for both DC, now works 4 days so he has a day a week with DS and did it with DD before that. Has always got up in the night, been fully involved in bedtime and potty training etc. Is about to take kids away to see his parents.

I think you're right to an extent but you also have to see that it's a choice to work long hours and that comes with consequences. Your DH could choose less money and shorter hours if he wanted.

@Marmitemarinaded
Really? You need to be sure a person is suffering before you can imagine things from their point of view? That's very strange. I think you are confusing empathy with sympathy 😂
And how do you deem someone to be suffering? Magic powers?

My DH has spent 18 yrs telling me I shouldn't "micromanage" the kids or nag them to do stuff, or get annoyed by them. I was a SAHM while he worked long hours and was away at least 3 days every week including weekends.

We separated (amicably, no fault) last year and DS17 has chosen to live with his dad during the week while he's at college. After about 3weeks, DH said to me "wow, I can't believe DS can be so idle, I've really had to nag him to help me do stuff in the house. Do you think he's depressed?"

To be fair, they have both really started making an effort - DS has realised how much work goes into keeping a home clean and tidy and is way more helpful now at my house. And DH has realised that children need parenting long past the nappies and homework ages. And that planning, shopping, and cooking isn't "so simple a chimp could do it" or that "he isn't the messy one". He's definitely a better person now 👍

@Crowsaregreat

You had kids with someone who works such long hours, he can barely contribute to home life.

DH took the last three months of shared parental leave for both DC, now works 4 days so he has a day a week with DS and did it with DD before that. Has always got up in the night, been fully involved in bedtime and potty training etc. Is about to take kids away to see his parents.

I think you're right to an extent but you also have to see that it's a choice to work long hours and that comes with consequences. Your DH could choose less money and shorter hours if he wanted.

Not everyone can chose ‘less money’. Not iI you are on MW for example.

Being. Able to chose to work less is the privilege of the wealthier. Not something everyone can just chose to do.

Mine is at the point off noticing but just ignoring, thinking he doesn't have to deal with it. So I'm not sure where to go from here. It great your husband has taken notice but has began to do more?