Pandemic dad having eyes opened

[AwakeAwake]

Men get paternity leave for first 2 weeks or month if lucky.
Babies usually just sleep and feed that first week or two.
Therefore men are getting a false sense of what it is to parent small baby.

My husband has never spent much time with tiny child until now working from home and new arrival in the house.
Previous children he's just been off a week, held a sleepy newborn and back to work when the real excitement kicks off.

Aibu to think that pandemic parents are getting a taste finally of how bloody challenging a baby is?
No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

The washing, cleaning, nappies, activities, screaming, tantrums etc. All laid bare at last.

My husband genuinely looked surprised that a toddler has tantrums as he didn't see it with first, potty training doesn't just magically occur, food splatters everywhere and must be cleaned up. These are all new to him.

Paternity leave should be month 2.

IMO women invariably get just the amount of shit behaviour they will put up with.

Women who don't have lazy husbands invariably never put up with it pre children and if they saw signs of it with a new dad, nipped it firmly in the bud.

I don't recognise your picture of most dads at all and we were parents of young children in the 80's. Does your husband walk around with his eyes closed at the weekend and at night?

Mine was fully aware of the general behaviour of his own children and I would think it incredibly weird if he wasn't. Obviously he didnt experience the relentless slog of looking after small children on his own for days on end, but he's empathic enough to imagine it.

I'm hoping you just exaggerated for effect with your first post and it isn't as bad as it sounds

For all those saying, you should find a partner who’ll share the parenting 50:50, do you realise how vanishingly rare this? There aren’t many men who do their share and plenty of studies to prove it. The people on this thread saying it’s a DH problem, are likely to have a DH problem too but trying hard to look the other way

The realistic scenario if you only want to have children with someone who does their fair share, is not to have kids at all. Or have one, realise that he lied about what a good father he’d be, and leave him.

I think a lot of lazy men know how hard it is. They just pretend they don't because it suits them.

OP, I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m further down the line than you as mine are all tweens / teens now. To be honest, once you get through the early years, you block a lot of it out - like childbirth . My husband never had a clue really. Never got up on the night with any of them. I felt guilty leaving him with any of them for more than about half an hour. I don’t know why - I think I thought it wasn’t fair on him and it would be too much for his patience. Strange when I think back. To be fair, he has always worked incredibly hard and has provided us with a fantastic home and lifestyle, so I can’t fault him there. And I’ve never had to work.

I’m kind of having the opposite problem to you right now because my DH is working from home more these days (kids are now 11, 13, 16 and 18) and I actually feel like my days are comparatively easy! We can swan off fir the day or just chill at home. Of course, he’s doing the whole marching round the house on calls; “busy, busy, busy” vibe (he’s always been like this which is why I felt like I could never ask him to do anything). It makes me feel like I need to be doing constant housework! Just when life was getting easy, now I’m having to make his lunch and do various tasks he’s assigning to me on a daily basis. You can’t win. I wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t even need to work anymore. He’s a workaholic, so always chasing the next thing.

But to answer your question - yes, I think a lot of men will be getting an insight into the reality of SAH with young children, day after day after day. If you’re out of the house most of the week, you will never fully understand this.

@Grimacingfrog

I think a lot of lazy men know how hard it is. They just pretend they don't because it suits them.

If they really thought it was such a doddle they wouldn’t be avoiding doing it so much.

OP you do have a DH problem, but it’s a problem that a hell of a lot of DHs have. Including a lot of those married to women who thought “ah he’ll be a great Dad”.

It doesnt help when people/society make a huge deal about a man doing something that's traditionally "womens work".
If I went out when the DC were little (I didnt make tea/prepare anything for DH, btw) often people would say "oh is Mr Pinuporc babysitting" and I would tell them no he is parenting.
If a woman is a SAHM with young DC it either raises no comment, or negative ones (shes sponging, what does she do all day, she has no ambition, shes wasting her education etc) If a man is a SAHD he is treated as a hero.
Even if a dad takes his kids out for a day on his own, people would use that as proof he was an amazing dad whereas no one would bat an eye if a mum did it.

I see where you’re coming from OP but think it may just differ with different partners.
My DH has always been hands on with DDs even though he has always worked long hours (now mostly from home office of course). He certainly has never thought I sat relaxing all day! If anything, he always came home ready to ‘give me a break’ and get stuck in with whatever needed doing. He says himself it’s harder work staying at home than being at work (in different ways). Same now, his working hours can’t be interrupted even though he’s home (unless in an emergency!) but afterwards, he’s totally engaged.

@billy1966

IMO women invariably get just the amount of shit behaviour they will put up with.

Women who don't have lazy husbands invariably never put up with it pre children and if they saw signs of it with a new dad, nipped it firmly in the bud.

That's incredibly smug.

Some men will step up when it's brought to their attention, and some won't. You just to have read threads on here to know this. And it's not always possible to differentiate before you have children.

I hear you, OP.
Those being all 'Well I raised fifteen on my own in a war zone' can just fuck off, as can those telling you you are in the wrong because you chose to have children with him.

I'm interested to know – is your DH's behaviour changing? ie is he starting to step up, take on dealing with tantrums etc? or is he still just 'looking perplexed that the house isn't silent' and that you don't always manage to eat or are tired?

Just when life was getting easy, now I’m having to make his lunch and do various tasks he’s assigning to me on a daily basis

That is pretty awful of him. Does he see you as some sort of unpaid PA?

I completely agree with you. My partner isn't a shit partner or dad but he certainly didn't realise all fatherhood entailed. He also worked some 12 hour days. He was furloughed back in 2020 and the novelty of being home with a 10 month old and toddler soon wore off. He skips off to work since he returned. Same as I do. I love my children with all my heart but work is 10 times easier than being home with 2 toddlers

@Pinuporc

It doesnt help when people/society make a huge deal about a man doing something that's traditionally "womens work". If I went out when the DC were little (I didnt make tea/prepare anything for DH, btw) often people would say "oh is Mr Pinuporc babysitting" and I would tell them no he is parenting. If a woman is a SAHM with young DC it either raises no comment, or negative ones (shes sponging, what does she do all day, she has no ambition, shes wasting her education etc) If a man is a SAHD he is treated as a hero. Even if a dad takes his kids out for a day on his own, people would use that as proof he was an amazing dad whereas no one would bat an eye if a mum did it.

This is SO true. I remember friends and family inviting my DH round for dinner to 'give him a break' when I was away for one night, when they wouldn't do that for me when he was away for weeks 🤪.

You sound a bit resentful and bitter. Parenting is difficult but often someone has to go to work to pay the bills, whether it’s the mum or dad.

Yabu but only to be doing all that alone. Tell him to pull his weight!!!

I agree that paternity leave is a joke.

Too many women settle for not good enough. DH and I both changed our working pattern so we do the same amount of childcare in the week, he changed his as soon as I gave birth so he wasn't out of the house all hours six days a week, funny how free women have these jobs that mean they can never be at home and when they are they're playing golf or doing tasks that can't possibly happen with a child around

@IntermittentParps

I hear you, OP. Those being all 'Well I raised fifteen on my own in a war zone' can just fuck off, as can those telling you you are in the wrong because you chose to have children with him.

I'm interested to know – is your DH's behaviour changing? ie is he starting to step up, take on dealing with tantrums etc? or is he still just 'looking perplexed that the house isn't silent' and that you don't always manage to eat or are tired?

Yeah he's stepping up. He can still slip back into 'what did you do today?' Now and then but he's improving. He has to with 3. The toddler just finds him so there's no hiding place

He definately is seen by his parents as some poor put upon man who is burdoned with kids, job and doing everything in the house (yeah ok) but I don't pay attention to that nonsense.

“Does he see you as some sort of unpaid PA?”

Sometimes it feels like that, yes. He can be very-high handed. Nobody can ever interrupt him under any circumstances, but he expects me to drop whatever I’m doing immediately at any given moment when he needs something or has something to tell me. I can’t even look sideways. Unbelievable really. But on the other hand, he’s never criticised me for SAH and always said he values this so.... I don’t know...?

@MagnificentBottom

You sound a bit resentful and bitter. Parenting is difficult but often someone has to go to work to pay the bills, whether it’s the mum or dad.

No not resentful. I've been the full time worker and he stayed home and he although complained he got nothing done with a small child, he thought it was easy. The reason being that I did all the toilet cleaning, laundry and general clean up after work. Child was in nursery 2-3 days a week and rest if time in front of tv. I switched to part time and told him to get a job as it wasn't working

The blame here lies with the man who is being useless.

And yes, this is being reinforced by women who stay with useless data, think that is normal, is think that he pulls his wife when blatantly he doesn't. But a lot of that is because of how we are socialised to think that men being useless is there norm, and that women always take on the bulk.

It doesn't still the blame taking squarely on those men.

At the risk of sounding deeply hypocritical here, but I have also noticed that a good proportion of couples which insist that they parent equally really don't. What they mean is that the man will do limited tasks under instruction, or will look after the children or the house (but rarely birth simultaneously). I see those families, and then see the type of equal parenting that we practice and they are totally different. Many women have such low expectations of men that they see any parenting as equal parenting.

I'm currently lying in bed whilst my husband sorts out our toddler and preeschooler. He was woken in the night twice by our preeschooler and ended up in with him. He arranges work around their needs, is the default contact for childcare and does most drop offs/pick ups. I carry more mental load, but him more physical load. His nights have been just as disturbed as mine since having children, and he took responsibility for all night wakings for the full 9 months of my pregnancy with our second (first still woke a lot) so I could get extra rest.

In the pandemic we both rearranged our work to do childcare. We both did zoom meetings with children present.

Guess I’m lucky that I got to go back to work when Dd was 4 months old and dh spent 2 years at home looking after her. He always knew what caring for a baby/toddler was like.

My children still did all those things in the mornings, evenings and weekends so my DH knew perfectly well what they were like and has never asked me “what I’ve doing all day”
Not all men are like that, in fact I would go as far as to say that most men nowadays aren’t!

I’d agree, until you have day after day with a small child you really have no idea. I suspect a lot of men have an inkling as so many seem to try to dodge it. If men suspected it was all fun, easy and rewarding there would be a hell of a lot more SAHD around.

My DH is a very hands on dad and totally shares mental load takes her out so i can get breaks, did night wakings yadda yadda and I’m a SAHM, I probably get more genuine down time then he does on reflection. ofcourse he doesn’t exactly know what it feels like to do it day in day out but he must have an idea otherwise he wouldn’t be as keen on taking over to let me have time to myself on weekend mornings (I do minimal parenting till 2:30pm both days).

The statistics bear out the imbalance in child rearing and if you are genuinely doing 50:50 you are probably in the minority unfortunately. The reality is many men do dodge their responsibilities if they can. Pretending that on average that isn’t what happens is unfair. I do agree with the idea that if you have one and you find yourself dumped with everything going on to have more will not improve things (I don’t mean that in a harsh and judgemental way but in a save yourself a lot of pain and frustration way).

find it rather condescending that you are implying that women can't make informed decisions and are happy to settle with halfwits, 'cos society'.

That's not condescending she's pointing out that because of society there really aren't enough men that do 50/50 for women to marry and breed with. Because we live in a patriarchy and because women are mostly in a position of having only 20 years to meet, form a relationship, gestate a human it's not actually possible.

This is also on top of the fact you have no idea how a man will be as a father before he is one.

I had very specific ideas of myself and how I would parent before I had kids.

They weren't accurate.