Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pandemic dad having eyes opened

250 replies

AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 00:59

Men get paternity leave for first 2 weeks or month if lucky.
Babies usually just sleep and feed that first week or two.
Therefore men are getting a false sense of what it is to parent small baby.

My husband has never spent much time with tiny child until now working from home and new arrival in the house.
Previous children he's just been off a week, held a sleepy newborn and back to work when the real excitement kicks off.

Aibu to think that pandemic parents are getting a taste finally of how bloody challenging a baby is?
No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

The washing, cleaning, nappies, activities, screaming, tantrums etc. All laid bare at last.

My husband genuinely looked surprised that a toddler has tantrums as he didn't see it with first, potty training doesn't just magically occur, food splatters everywhere and must be cleaned up. These are all new to him.

Paternity leave should be month 2.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 16/07/2021 01:18

Sorry your shit husband is an idiot?

I think most men, you’re right, don’t bear the brunt of it but I’m pretty sure they understand the ins and outs even if they don’t get the day to day toughness of it. I find it amazing that you think it’s normal for dads not to realise toddlers have tantrums often.

Does your husband work seven days a week?

Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 01:29

@user1473878824

Sorry your shit husband is an idiot?

I think most men, you’re right, don’t bear the brunt of it but I’m pretty sure they understand the ins and outs even if they don’t get the day to day toughness of it. I find it amazing that you think it’s normal for dads not to realise toddlers have tantrums often.

Does your husband work seven days a week?

No he doesn't but two people mean less tantrums as toddler won't need to wait for something usually.

I think a lot of men don't think about the work involved in the raising of children as they're barely doing it solo so always have support. Men rarely solo parent newborn babies while mum goes back to work week 2.

My husband knew children had tantrums he just figured it was because it was nearly bedtime they happened. Potty training was done by me last time so that looked pretty easy as he'd just see the night pees and think wow, easy! Not realising I'd spent the week doing potty songs, looking for cues and mopping up piss.

This toddler hasn't magically toilet trained themselves because I've got a newborn and it needs to be done when they're ready and also when we can help. If I say toddler needs per, he'll stroll over, slowly get potty or put on toilet by which time it's already happened.
Last child I could sleep when they slept but having toddler means organising a mid day nap which I was told to stop as it meant they had a harder job at night getting them to sleep.
Oh... like I did but when it was me it didn't matter if I had to spend time reading and settling them.

Homework is another mystery event. Uniforms wash themselves.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 16/07/2021 01:41

Sorry but I really think this is a DH problem and not most men.

user1473878824 · 16/07/2021 01:42

You say 12 hour days but does he really do absolutely nothing at the weekends like homework or washing? Why aren’t you explaining the potty training to him and him following through on the weekends?

user1473878824 · 16/07/2021 01:44

This isn’t me trying to have a go at you by the way, I just think you’re really looking at this the wrong way…

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/07/2021 01:50

Your partner has purposefully affected that daft dad it’s all new to me persona
This is nothing to do with paternity leave and everything to do with him needing to step up as a parent,partner and adult
Out of interest why isn’t he washing his own uniform?

Happyhappyday · 16/07/2021 01:51

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/07/2021 02:00

I think some are being unfair to the OP.

My ex DH was very very hands on as a parent, did far more night feeds than I did. But yes, tantrums were a revelation to him when I was in hospital for a week. He didnt realise that they didnt happen when we were both around as DD didnt have to wait for a drink/wee whatever as the other parent could deal with it. Suddenly he was genuinely doing it alone as I had and he finally got it.

So the "useless" DH in this situation is WFH so cant step up as he does at the weekend but does hear and see what the OP goes through every day. He is realising that she isnt just chilling in front of the TV and giving the kids a sandwich every so often.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/07/2021 02:02

@Happyhappyday

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.
Its not a choice if your contract requires you to work those hours because of your industry (chosen at an age where you didnt need to consider childcare).
Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 02:06

First baby he did 12hr days, I used to be climbing the walls with a small baby.

Weekends he'll do tasks but they're almost always ones that can't be with kids.
He's working from home which is great on one hand as he's here but on the other I'm having to parent in silence. Baby wants to feed all day, toddler running around, I'm trying to get over birth and recover.
He looks genuinely perplexed that the house isn't silent, baby needs feeding practically all day and can't be put down. I'm trying my best and he just looks at me like I'm a moron if I've not managed to eat or I'm tired in the morning after feeding all night.

I think it's a genuine surprise. Because if you've never seen it and you come home after 12hrs to a tidy house and kids alive then you might be dim enough to think not much occurs through the day.
I used to joke about putting a camera in on time lapse to see what I did all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 02:08

@Happyhappyday

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.
He had no choice. Can't afford to live off paternity money. Can't say to work halfway through a project or task...right off home now, I have a baby.
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 16/07/2021 02:25

My late Husband went to work the next day after both our children were born.I don't think paternity leave was a thing then. I was able to cope well with all things baby wise etc,and didn't need any help. Both of the Grandparents lived miles away, so no family help at all.

Melitza · 16/07/2021 02:35

@Happyhappyday

Agree this is a DH problem. My husband does & has always done more childcare than me. Parental leave means no dads need to go back to work after 2 weeks. He also has never fucked off to work for 12 hours every day!! Always prioritized family over the office. It’s almost always a choice, even if you choose not to see it that way.
That's a privelige that most couples don't have even if you choose not to see it that way!
CrumpetyTea · 16/07/2021 02:56

can't say to work halfway through a project or task...right off home now, I have a baby.
yes he can this is what lots of working parents have to do- you can't say to a nursery that they need to stay open longer as you are a bit busy.
its my pet hate certain SAHP basically supporting WAHP who don't do anything at home

Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 02:59

@1forAll74

My late Husband went to work the next day after both our children were born.I don't think paternity leave was a thing then. I was able to cope well with all things baby wise etc,and didn't need any help. Both of the Grandparents lived miles away, so no family help at all.
Yey good for you. I have no family support but early days are hard regardless as to whether you cope or not. I've obviously coped. I'm coping. But it's not feet up all day snoozing.
OP posts:
Eardrumy · 16/07/2021 03:06

Your husband seems to look surprised all the time.

NicoleKidmanSuperFan · 16/07/2021 03:09

Not being a dick or anything but the issue is your husband. My husband went back to work week 2 with all 3 kids and still drops everything when he comes home and does bath, bedtime, feeding dinner even gets in hoovering and washing up. Not all men are shits and I love mine !

Changechangychange · 16/07/2021 03:10

This is definitely a DH problem.

DH and I both work long hours - we still both know what parenting is like (we stagger our hours to minimise DS’s time in nursery, so we are both doing plenty of solo parenting).

Your DH is choosing to do child-free things at the weekend because he doesn’t want to parent. Now he has no escape due to wfh, and surprise surprise he is moaning about it.

TopBlogger · 16/07/2021 03:13

He's surprised that you are tired when you've not slept due to feeding the baby at night?? And he holds down a job with that level of intelligence Hmm

Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 03:25

@TopBlogger

He's surprised that you are tired when you've not slept due to feeding the baby at night?? And he holds down a job with that level of intelligence Hmm
I've often wondered this.

He's in for a fun time when I go back to work as I do weekends so no escape.
He's more than capable. Just thinks it's easier than his job as he has never done it. Now he's working at home he's not able to just ignore the work involved in 3 small people, school, toddler excitement and newborn relentless feeding etc.

OP posts:
Jent13c · 16/07/2021 03:43

I would say my DH is the exact opposite to be honest. I work shifts so he will often have the kids alone while I do a day shift and he makes out like its the hardest job in the entire world to keep them alive 12 hours. He did 6m unemployed with the newborn and toddler while I went out to work and just about survived but he certainly has never under any circumstances suggested that I was sitting at home with my feet up. I think he never had any aspirations to be a SAHP and I do like to be at home with them and arrange my shifts to be with them 90% of the time because that's what I wanted.

Lullaby88 · 16/07/2021 04:19

I understand where u are coming from OP don't think men will ever fully understand. Might partially understand tho like some womens DHs unless thyre the SAHD on a year of pat leave then theyl live the life and know all about it.

daisychain01 · 16/07/2021 04:37

Can't say to work halfway through a project or task...right off home now, I have a baby.

That's a overly simplistic view of how things need to be organised at work. Everyone has a right to a home and family life not least of all with a new baby. A good employer is not going to mandate someone works excessively beyond their hours if they know there's a new baby in the house.

Maybe your DH is working for the wrong employer or he's spinning you a yarn when the reality is that he doesn't want to get involved in the detail of childcare. Sounds like your bad experience with your DH is making you feel that it's "all men" when in fact it's some men.

mathanxiety · 16/07/2021 05:01

He's more than capable. Just thinks it's easier than his job as he has never done it.

And for some reason his ego needs the illusion that he holds down a complicated and difficult job.

Original poster
AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 05:31

@Jent13c

I would say my DH is the exact opposite to be honest. I work shifts so he will often have the kids alone while I do a day shift and he makes out like its the hardest job in the entire world to keep them alive 12 hours. He did 6m unemployed with the newborn and toddler while I went out to work and just about survived but he certainly has never under any circumstances suggested that I was sitting at home with my feet up. I think he never had any aspirations to be a SAHP and I do like to be at home with them and arrange my shifts to be with them 90% of the time because that's what I wanted.
He's experienced it hence why he sees the work involved. 6mths with newborn and toddler would have been an eye opener for him. Which is exactly my point, those who have gone to the jobs for 12 hrs escaping 90% of the slog, don't in my experience, understand at all what is involved. Hence why I think paternity should be a month at about 3mths old. Even then they're not going to grasp it. From people I speak to and reading on here, lots of PlayStation gets done, lots of diy jobs and sitting about.
OP posts: