Pandemic dad having eyes opened

[AwakeAwake]

Men get paternity leave for first 2 weeks or month if lucky.
Babies usually just sleep and feed that first week or two.
Therefore men are getting a false sense of what it is to parent small baby.

My husband has never spent much time with tiny child until now working from home and new arrival in the house.
Previous children he's just been off a week, held a sleepy newborn and back to work when the real excitement kicks off.

Aibu to think that pandemic parents are getting a taste finally of how bloody challenging a baby is?
No longer can they escape to work for 12hrs and come home asking what you did all day. No longer can they pretend they don't see how hard a toddler is running riot I'm the house.

The washing, cleaning, nappies, activities, screaming, tantrums etc. All laid bare at last.

My husband genuinely looked surprised that a toddler has tantrums as he didn't see it with first, potty training doesn't just magically occur, food splatters everywhere and must be cleaned up. These are all new to him.

Paternity leave should be month 2.

@RocksOnTheHill

I understand you OP. I doubt even dads who help out when they get home and say they understand it, really do. It's the constant childcare plus managing a house and the mental load.

My DH often comes back from work and complains over little things not done e.g. a small puddle of water spilt on the floor that I've missed. He's at work 8-6 Mon to Fri and out from 10.30am on a Saturday til late playing sport. So he really only sees Sundays at home.

He has very little tolerance for normal young child behaviours like tantrums or making silly, repetitive sounds.

I take the odd Sunday, maybe 5-6 days a year, to see a friend and when I come back he either tells me how easy the day had been or complains about the kids behaviour. The house is always a tip when I come back, the washing up not done, no washing done, no house admin. He basically just watches the kids and that's easy. Or their behaviour is unreasonable. It's not, it's to be expected.

I don't think one day a week after you wife has been sorting the childcare and house for the other six days, can really show you what being a SAHP really entails.

Jesus christ. Why do you put up with this shit!!!

Can't believe how many 'my dh is clueless' posters there are.

It's not 'good for you' for women who say their husbands are clued up and take half the load. It's how it should be ffs.

I'm in Germany. We can split parental leave how it best suits us. In my case it was 3 years and DH took the last 18 months. With a 3 and a 1.5 year old.

That is what the UK needs. Proper parental leave.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

"My husband doesn't know how babies work. I think I'll have 3 of them with him"

I'm capable and organised so it's hardly a problem day to day. I'm just amused he's seeing the work involved. He's older do will retire with 3 teenagers. I reminded him of thst when he was laughing about going to retire soon. Great news, I said, I'll relax at work while you entertain the teens.

The balance will return. Ying and yang

Genuine question- why did you choose to have three DC with this man if he is such a useless father?

And why haven't you (from Day 1 with the first DC) just left your DH to cope at the weekends... far too often women martyr themselves into believing they are the only ones that can cope with their DC so the father never gets to deal with the potty training, school reading, feeding etc etc.

I don't deny there are some dead best Dads around, but don't assume it's 'all men'.

@RocksOnTheHill

I understand you OP. I doubt even dads who help out when they get home and say they understand it, really do. It's the constant childcare plus managing a house and the mental load.

My DH often comes back from work and complains over little things not done e.g. a small puddle of water spilt on the floor that I've missed. He's at work 8-6 Mon to Fri and out from 10.30am on a Saturday til late playing sport. So he really only sees Sundays at home.

He has very little tolerance for normal young child behaviours like tantrums or making silly, repetitive sounds.

I take the odd Sunday, maybe 5-6 days a year, to see a friend and when I come back he either tells me how easy the day had been or complains about the kids behaviour. The house is always a tip when I come back, the washing up not done, no washing done, no house admin. He basically just watches the kids and that's easy. Or their behaviour is unreasonable. It's not, it's to be expected.

I don't think one day a week after you wife has been sorting the childcare and house for the other six days, can really show you what being a SAHP really entails.

I guess the difference is that I wouldn’t put up with this shit, and certainly wouldn’t procreate more than once with a twat like this. Being at work all week fortunately hasn’t turned my DH into a dickhead. He wouldn’t dream of criticising the amount of housework I got done (or not) during the day. He knows that children make mess and noise... he was one himself once, and has met many others, after all. He doesn’t fuck off out for a whole day at the weekends as he likes his family and wants to spend time with them. He has taken all 3 kids on holiday for a week when I was dealing with an emergency in the wider family (and that was when they were aged 6, 4 and 1). He always mucked in with night feeds and everything else. So no, he doesn’t know what being a stay at home parent involves but he does know what being a parent involves, whereas it seems your partner has no idea.

@RocksOnTheHill

I understand you OP. I doubt even dads who help out when they get home and say they understand it, really do. It's the constant childcare plus managing a house and the mental load.

My DH often comes back from work and complains over little things not done e.g. a small puddle of water spilt on the floor that I've missed. He's at work 8-6 Mon to Fri and out from 10.30am on a Saturday til late playing sport. So he really only sees Sundays at home.

He has very little tolerance for normal young child behaviours like tantrums or making silly, repetitive sounds.

I take the odd Sunday, maybe 5-6 days a year, to see a friend and when I come back he either tells me how easy the day had been or complains about the kids behaviour. The house is always a tip when I come back, the washing up not done, no washing done, no house admin. He basically just watches the kids and that's easy. Or their behaviour is unreasonable. It's not, it's to be expected.

I don't think one day a week after you wife has been sorting the childcare and house for the other six days, can really show you what being a SAHP really entails.

Yup. They often just supervise chaos the declare themselves clever that nobody died. Where like you say, you've done 6days full on, with everything else.

Mine treats the kids like short adults. Tells off eldest for making a mess, when he's the most untidy person in the house.
Toddler tantrums are met with confusion. Newborn can just be put down surely?
Ha.
Yes I'll ignore the screams

Take shared parental leave - we did and it was brilliant to both see what the other side was like

Some ridiculous responses on here feigning ignorance about the unequal division of childcare that we do regularly hear about.

The pandemic sure has brought home the realities of family life to many who have escaped to offices and so on. Hardly difficult to understand unless you're a. very thick or b. a condescending prat.

OP,

I can't imagine a decent man not knowing, just deliberately ignoring is more likely.

Men that spend little time with their children know only too well how hard it is and are avoidant parents.

I must admit I certainly wouldn't have gone beyond one if my husband hadn't been an enthusiastic father.

You sound a kinder woman than me because I would find that type of "surprise" really dim, and very unattractive as a result.

@User112

Was your husband not home at weekends? Or did your kids magically “behave” on weekends.

They're magic. No they just get tv while he gardens or does man stuff. They're entertained by two parents but he definately sees weekends as rest days. So won't empty dishwasher or vacuum etc. That's still me because it drives me nuts

Oh and when each of ours were finally potty trained we BOTH felt we deserved a cup and a holiday.

Why did you go on to have two additional children with him?

You are right to be honest

@user1473878824

Sorry but I really think this is a DH problem and not most men.

This. Surely through communication, weekends, holidays and general family interactions this wouldn’t happen. Parenting is a joint job. My husband comes home and does the washing whilst I’m breastfeeding.

@FourTeaFallOut

I do think the first fortnight is a breeze. Paternity leave should be from weeks 8-10 when, if you are unlucky enough to have a baby with colic, they have hit fever pitch and you are on your knees.

Yes. First baby was reflux from week 2. So screamed all day all night and I was covered in vomit. I was suicidal and just got told perhaps it was the way I was dealing with them thst meant they screamed all day. Even health nurse helpline told me I must be just missing their tired cues and it can't be going them any good screaming all day and the affects of cortisol etc. Really helpful advice. They were diagnosed with reflux at 2 months and medicated for it which eased the misery somewhat.

I think some men just don’t see stuff. My husband has been vaguely treating my job like some easy life job for many years - because I am quite good about knocking off work at the end of the day. I manage a health service team now and he has totally changed his tune since I have worked from home. It’s all “you don’t get paid enough for what you do..,”

@Pinuporc

My DH is self employed and took 4 days off when 1st DC was born, and 2 days when 2nd was born. DS was into everything as a toddler always creating or finding trouble/'danger at any and every availability. I literally couldnt go to the loo on my own without wondering what mayhem might await. I was laughing the other day at what a nightmare he was, and DH said "oh he wasnt that bad'". He wasnt that bad for DH - he was out at work 12 hours a day!! DD was an awful sleeper and even when she started school would regularly wake during the night. I went away for a few days when she was 5 and when I came back I asked how they'd been. DH said he was exhausted "because DD woke me up every night" he said it as if I would be surprised ... well duh, that's been my nights for the last 5 years!!

🤣 yes dh will say he needs sleep and toddler not going to sleep quick enough. But it was totally fine when it was me stuck settling every night. Ha

Your DH is a shit.

A few of the men I've worked with in the past have been shits. (Oddly thinking back they belong to one demographic.) They deliberately stayed late at the office to get back home when they knew their children were in bed. Some of us women and a few of the other men have suggested they go home when we have found out they have had young children.

Most of the other men I worked with and currently work with do as much as they can fit in for their children. Including picking them up from childcare, taking time off to look after them in the pandemic and working at night so they can look after their small children in the day if the Covid bubble has burst. One guy currently in Zoom meetings just goes "nappy change" and disappears for a few minutes. You can hear his baby of a few months in the background.

🤣 yes dh will say he needs sleep and toddler not going to sleep quick enough. But it was totally fine when it was me stuck settling every night. Ha

I mean, why did you go on to have more children with this Prince amongst men?

I don’t understand why he’s not witnessed this stuff at the weekend.

How can you put up with a DH who 'won't empty the dishwasher because it's the weekend'?

I think that posters who are saying you have a DH problem are being a bit naive. It’s well researched that men do not share responsibility for their children 50:50 even when both parents are working. If they genuinely saw how difficult it is, surely they’d step up and do more? Either that or the vast majority are just lazy misogynists, but I’d rather hope that’s not the case as it’s too depressing.

For us, DH took a year out when I was on maternity leave with DC2 and it really opened his eyes. I think on a logical level he understood sleepless nights and tiredness, and babies are full on all day. But it’s different seeing it in action.

Also before children, we both held senior professional jobs and they were very stressful with long hours, a lot of responsibility and difficult decisions to be made. He couldn’t imagine how looking after one small child could be more difficult or all consuming than work. But at the end of that year off he knew that he definitely didn’t want me to go back to work first and leave him with a baby and a toddler. Before that year, he thought (like many men) that he’d make a great SAHD and he’d really enjoy it.

Nope.
After my husband went back to work after two weeks he said he thought he had it easy compared to me and my job was to look after the baby as it was so full on and he would do everything else when he got home. And then he shared the last few months of paternity leave so he knew exactly what it was like. He has always shared time with them at the weekends etc as well

@Brefugee

I'm in Germany. We can split parental leave how it best suits us. In my case it was 3 years and DH took the last 18 months. With a 3 and a 1.5 year old.

That is what the UK needs. Proper parental leave.

We have shred parental leave here too. We used it.

People saying ‘surely he say how hard it is at weekends?’