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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
TiddyAndFletch · 16/07/2021 09:03

I think giving her the small room based on her only being there half the time is BU. Imagine if her mum said the same - then she’s stuck with a tiny horrible room all the time just because she’s only in each house half the time.

This.

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2021 09:06

@Squeakysqueal

She has her own room at her mum’s
Lucky her…Confused

Are the other children 100% at yours?

You shouldn’t penalise existing children for your decisions

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 09:08

But you’ve just assumed that the RP here is the mother. The OP didn’t say that.

I said IF. I know she may well be the NRP.
I was comparing the OP and the dsd’s mum because if they’re both RPs then the OP has just as much right to give her son the better bedroom in his main home as DSD’s mum does for her.

The op has already confirmed her DS is there full time so I think that confirms she’s the RP to him.

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2021 09:08

@malificent7

She will get over it.
Will she?

‘You’re not as important as the other children…’

DancesWithTortoises · 16/07/2021 09:08

@Mummyoflittledragon

Why should she keep most of her stuff at her mum’s when she lives with op 50% of the time? Poor kid has to juggle all of that and still have the smallest room.

Er, that's not what I said, is it? I said I bet she kept it there meaning it already is kept there. I certainly didn't say she should have to. Please don't make things up.

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 09:09

I think this thread is mad tbh.

SD is going to have her own room, that's already a win compared to many SCs who don't have that in one or both of their homes, and lots of resident kids who never have that at all.

I think starting her off in the bigger room and switching is the worst idea and a recipe for disaster and resentment. She will not think back reasonably in a year or so's time when this switch has to happen and say "ah yes, I did agree to this" when all of her stuff is getting heaved out into the smaller room. She would be far better off making the smaller room her own from the start.

I would say whatever room she goes in, she stays in. Even if that means sharing with your DD now, or sharing with the baby when it's of age.

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2021 09:10

Post heading - Stepdaughter…

How about the OP’s husband posts. Then it’s Daughter

What answers then?

Youdiditanyway · 16/07/2021 09:10

You’re obviously favouring your own children. I read similar on here aaaallllll of the time, it isn’t fair. She spends 50% of her time with you, it may be different if it was every other weekend as many children do but this is a lot of time. She shouldn’t be sidelined, she deserves the bigger room because she’s the eldest. The 6 year old can have the smallest because she’s the youngest.

DuchessDarty · 16/07/2021 09:11

@funinthesun19

But you’ve just assumed that the RP here is the mother. The OP didn’t say that.

I said IF. I know she may well be the NRP.
I was comparing the OP and the dsd’s mum because if they’re both RPs then the OP has just as much right to give her son the better bedroom in his main home as DSD’s mum does for her.

The op has already confirmed her DS is there full time so I think that confirms she’s the RP to him.

I’m not talking about your reply to me, I’m talking about your post where you categorically stated the SD’s main home is with her mother.
Youseethethingis · 16/07/2021 09:12

The child who get the box room

  • gets the "horrible" room
  • will feel sidelined/unequal/unloved/unwanted
So stick the OPs 6 year old in there for his one and only bedroom and tell him to get over it Confused People are so weird about these things. OPs proposal makes the most practical sense. If a lovely big double bedroom for each child is out of reach then the available space has to be maximised.
LakieLady · 16/07/2021 09:13

Oh, and we have a kitchen table to do homework at. I WFH without an office space and use the table so I don't see why a 13 year old can't

I think that's a bit tough. I don't think I could have concentrated enough to do my homework effectively in the kitchen, with people coming in and out, making drinks etc, and cooking going on. Especially as kids get so much homework these days.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:14

You shouldn’t penalise existing children for your decisions

All the children exist. What a disgusting thing to say.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:15

@HulaHulaCheese

I'm also wondering why a lot of poster's gasp in horror at the thought of an 11 year old girl (who is there half the time) in a boxroom but most of the "solutions" offered are the 11year old boy in there. How come it's absolutely not okay for her but it is for him?
Sexism
Kokosrieksts · 16/07/2021 09:15

SD takes the bigger room, your 6year D takes the smallest room. When the baby is old enough to share you reassess who needs to share and they go in the bigger room.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/07/2021 09:15

[quote DancesWithTortoises]@Mummyoflittledragon

Why should she keep most of her stuff at her mum’s when she lives with op 50% of the time? Poor kid has to juggle all of that and still have the smallest room.

Er, that's not what I said, is it? I said I bet she kept it there meaning it already is kept there. I certainly didn't say she should have to. Please don't make things up.[/quote]
And that’s exactly the question I asked.

I am using ‘why should she’ to mean ‘why work off the presumption that’ she keeps most of her stuff at her mother’s house.

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 09:16

@HulaHulaCheese

I'm also wondering why a lot of poster's gasp in horror at the thought of an 11 year old girl (who is there half the time) in a boxroom but most of the "solutions" offered are the 11year old boy in there. How come it's absolutely not okay for her but it is for him?
I agree.

I actually think SD is lucky to have been offered a separate room as if she was a full sibling, she would automatically be sharing with her younger sister here:

Room 1: mum and dad
Room 2: Boy
Room 3: 2 girls
Room 4: Baby

I would take the box room all day long!! And in fact I did when my own parents moved my sister into my room because it was bigger. I moved into the box room when I was around 5 because I wanted my own room.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 09:16

‘You’re not as important as the other children…’

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with being less important.
It’s about being practical.

Someone has to have the box room! If her son has it then is he less important? Or the 6 year old? Please just think logically.

Her son is there full time so he NEEDS the bedroom especially at 11.
The 6 year old there full time so she NEEDS the bedroom especially as she will have more toys than an 11 year old.

Dsd will still have a bedroom which I’m sure will be decorated lovely for her and she will have her own space. The op could have said the baby is going in there but she’s not because she’s aware that dsd needs somewhere to call her own and at 11 she needs it more. She just doesn’t NEED a big bedroom.

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 09:17

Also stunned at the amount of people who think a private desk is essential for all children. I think of all my friends only one ever had a desk in their bedroom! Kids can survive without this.

TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 09:20

@Bibidy

Also stunned at the amount of people who think a private desk is essential for all children. I think of all my friends only one ever had a desk in their bedroom! Kids can survive without this.
So where did they work?
fruitbrewhaha · 16/07/2021 09:21

Your solution seems right OP.

Perhaps you could put a wardrobe for DD aged 6 in the bigger room with DSD to free up some space for her in the box room. That would be a good compromise. Maybe keep some of the baby's clobber in it too, that way the room is being utilised all the time.

HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 09:23

I never had a desk in my room. I just never did any homework or revision Sad

No, back in the real world I just sat at the dining table or on my bed. I even managed to pass my GCSEs and beyond despite being deskless. Who'd have thought it.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 09:24

I’m not talking about your reply to me, I’m talking about your post where you categorically stated the SD’s main home is with her mother.

Fgs. Usually on these threads that’s usually the case.

So we can settle this..

OP, is dsd’s main home with you or her mum?

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 09:24

Happy to be corrected and then I can adapt my answers Smile

COS2102 · 16/07/2021 09:24

I haven't read every reply so this suggestion may have been made already but in my mind, you treat them all as if they live there permanently so tell the girls they either share the big room together or whoever has the big room is sharing with the baby. If they want their own room then they have the smallest room. My stepson asked to move into the smallest room when I was expecting...said he wanted the baby to have more room for their toys. Think he regrets it now but we told him he can't swap back now and he'll have to wait until we move house and then rooms can be picked again

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:25

So where did they work?

On the bed? At the coffee table. Not everyone has space for desks.

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