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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
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7
LadyCluck · 16/07/2021 09:25

The fact of the matter is that she’s there half the time - someone has to have the smallest room so it makes sense that she has it.

She’s a child, she doesn’t get to dictate. Why so many people feel that SC require “red carpet treatment” is beyond me.

I wouldn’t personally go for all this “swapping rooms” in a couple of years. She’ll be well into her teenage years by then and will likely get the complete hormonal hump if you try to swap rooms then.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:26

I'm sure I did a lot of my homework on the floor

Lachimolala · 16/07/2021 09:26

DS in his own room, SD and DD sharing the biggest and the baby in the box is how I would do it.

Or

DS in alone, DD and baby in together, SD in box room.

There’s no point in a hug room staying empty for half the month whilst the children who live there full time are shoved in a box room, how does that make sense?

BillyWhozz · 16/07/2021 09:26

@funinthesun19

I’m not talking about your reply to me, I’m talking about your post where you categorically stated the SD’s main home is with her mother.

Fgs. Usually on these threads that’s usually the case.

So we can settle this..

OP, is dsd’s main home with you or her mum?

According to the OP it's 50/50. There will obviously be an address where the daughter is registered for school, doctors, dentist etc but if it's 50/50 I don't see that technicality indicates a main home. She has two homes.
Lachimolala · 16/07/2021 09:26

Huge*

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 09:28

According to the OP it's 50/50. There will obviously be an address where the daughter is registered for school, doctors, dentist etc but if it's 50/50 I don't see that technicality indicates a main home. She has two homes.

It does matter when there are resident children involved.

DuchessDarty · 16/07/2021 09:28

Yup. What @BillyWhozz said. Just because someone is more the main home in legal terms, doesn’t mean that’s how the SD sees it or feels about it. In practical terms, she’s at both an equal amount of time.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 09:29

How about both girls sharing the boxroom as a common study area?

Also shame on posters for questioning the OP’s house choice. Do you think everybody can afford a 6 bed?
Nobody’s going to be damaged by sharing a room FFS an own room is a privilege and not a need.

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 09:29

So where did they work?

On their beds, at the downstairs table, on the sofa, in the garden if it was sunny? Wherever they wanted really.

Surely you can't really believe that every child has room for a desk in their bedroom?? Or has one even if they do have room?

I never had a desk. I did my homework on my bed and get this...........I even did this through university!! It's totally doable.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 09:30

@LadyCluck

The fact of the matter is that she’s there half the time - someone has to have the smallest room so it makes sense that she has it.

She’s a child, she doesn’t get to dictate. Why so many people feel that SC require “red carpet treatment” is beyond me.

I wouldn’t personally go for all this “swapping rooms” in a couple of years. She’ll be well into her teenage years by then and will likely get the complete hormonal hump if you try to swap rooms then.

100%. Have fun OP
HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 09:30

I love this desk thing on MN. It always perplexes me.

Do some people really believe all school aged children have a desk for "quiet study time" in their bedrooms? 🤣

I'm guessing people who don't have space in every single room for a desk shouldn't be having children they can't provide these essentials for.

In the meantime most people I imagine are just getting on with things in the space they have, sitting on their bed, on their floor, at the dining table and so on.

Oh and it the 11 year old boy goes in the box room as so many have suggested, where is his life or death desk going to go?

CallItLoneliness · 16/07/2021 09:30

To the people who are saying treat DSD as if it wasn't a blended family...that won't work. DSD is the product of a relationship split where she may already feel sidelined or less than because there are two (soon to be three) children who live with her father all the time, and her father (presumably) loves their mother. Her father does not love her mother, and DSD does not have the luxury of living with both parents all the time.

Like I said, if her father is happy to see less of her, putting her in the little room and telling her to suck it up is a great way to go. If not, this needs to be handled waaaaaaaay more sensitively than it currently is.

JustGiveMeGin · 16/07/2021 09:32

I love the fact that one poster has incredulously asked where a child without a desk in their room does homework.....jesus christ, the world some of us must live in!
Also, to all of the posters making out that giving her the smallest room will make her feel less important, someone has to have that room . By this logic are most second born children less important?

HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 09:32

@CallItLoneliness

To the people who are saying treat DSD as if it wasn't a blended family...that won't work. DSD is the product of a relationship split where she may already feel sidelined or less than because there are two (soon to be three) children who live with her father all the time, and her father (presumably) loves their mother. Her father does not love her mother, and DSD does not have the luxury of living with both parents all the time.

Like I said, if her father is happy to see less of her, putting her in the little room and telling her to suck it up is a great way to go. If not, this needs to be handled waaaaaaaay more sensitively than it currently is.

OPs son is in the same situation although it sounds like he doesn't get to see his Dad at all. So how come it's fine for him to go in the box room?
CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 09:32

Also to add - the two other girls will be SHARING a room.
DSD gets her OWN room.

If you make DSD share then the other girl essentially gets her own gigantic room half the time. A bit ????

Chikapu · 16/07/2021 09:33

Dh and I didn't have a bedroom for three years because all our children needed their own space

More fool you.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 09:34

@JustGiveMeGin

I love the fact that one poster has incredulously asked where a child without a desk in their room does homework.....jesus christ, the world some of us must live in! Also, to all of the posters making out that giving her the smallest room will make her feel less important, someone has to have that room . By this logic are most second born children less important?
Indeed the level of privilege in here is astounding. Also ‘don’t buy a house without enough rooms for all the children’ In what world does everyone have infinite money to do this? So if a family’s stuck in a 3 bed they should only move to a 5 bed? Good god
user1471474462 · 16/07/2021 09:34

Interesting, I didn’t even have a proper bed when staying at my dads. Or anywhere to put my clothes, nothing really was mine. Though I did stay only on weekends but it was difficult. I don’t think this is the same at all.

I would explain that if she takes the smaller room she won’t have to move rooms, go shopping with her, get new bedding, posters, wallpaper. A single bed with a desk underneath, fun lighting if she wants it. It would be less unsettling than having to move rooms. It’s practical, not unkind for her to have a smaller room.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 16/07/2021 09:34

@Squeakysqueal

She has her own room at her mum’s
I think your getting a hard time here OP by the stepmum hunters!

You DSD has her own room at her mums so it’s completely fair she has the box room! She’s acting like a brat and I wouldn’t give it the time of day. And I say this as a stepdaughter who never had her own room at her dads house and it never bothered me.

AlmostSummer21 · 16/07/2021 09:35

@Lalliella

I don’t think that’s fair on DSD. She’s being penalised for her parents no longer being together, something which isn’t her fault and which probably has already caused her a lot of trauma. Don’t make her feel like a second class citizen. Include her in your family properly and give her a bigger room.
OR you can look at it as she is benefitting from her parents splitting as she has 2 bedrooms!!
Bibidy · 16/07/2021 09:35

I honestly would give her the option of having the small room to herself or sharing the bigger one with DD6.

It doesn't make sense for one of the bigger rooms to be empty half the time. Plus if she shared with DD then DD still gets her own room 50% of the time.

If she doesn't want the small room to herself then that's the only option. Give her the choice and I bet she will choose the smaller room.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:35

DSD is the product of a relationship split where she may already feel sidelined or less than because there are two (soon to be three) children who live with her father all the time

All the more reason not to make her share with one of the other children who she may resent. Give her her own room (albeit smaller). She isn't locked away all day in there but she deserves not to be forced to share with people who she might not feel 100% comfortable are now her family.

MattyGroves · 16/07/2021 09:36

I think in the longer term, SD will be much happier with the box room to herself than sharing a larger room with either the baby or the six year old.

It needs to be handled sensitively of course but I don't think she understands what sharing with a baby/toddler would be like at all.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:36

@CastawayQueen I agree, some people need to check their privilege.

BungleandGeorge · 16/07/2021 09:36

Does your son have another Dad that he goes to too? If he does then I think it’s a toss up between which of the 11 year olds gets the small room. Otherwise I think she should feel glad that she has her own room and doesn’t have to share with a young sibling! No teen is going to want to do that!
I would buy new space saving furniture for her though