Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

50/50 is a lot of the time, I would treat her as a full time resident, forget about whose child is who and deal with this as an average family:

You have a boy and two girls, the boy is becoming a teen and DSD will be starting her periods very soon, they both need more privacy for different reasons.

I would put the boy in the small room, and the two girls sharing the bigger bedroom. I suppose the baby will be in your bedroom for a while but once s/he is older they can be added to the room that matches their sex.

I think it's sensible but having had a small room with a high sleeper it only made the room feel smaller. Eventually we had a local carpenter build a bed that fitted across the stairs bulkhead and the room was transformed.

The logical solution is smallest room to smallest child. They get to graduate to bigger ones as older leave home. Simple. Well it is if you don't opt to have more kids than you have rooms

And this means she either needs to share with a baby or a 6 year old.

I'm also wondering why a lot of poster's gasp in horror at the thought of an 11 year old girl (who is there half the time) in a boxroom but most of the "solutions" offered are the 11year old boy in there. How come it's absolutely not okay for her but it is for him?

If the baby goes in the small room (baby is a girl btw) then step DD would have to share. I thought it would be nicer for her to have her own room. There would be space for a desk if there was a high up loft bed in there

Why not give her the choice? At 11, can you explain to her the different options you have and see which she would prefer? Sharing now, having her own small space, etc. There are pros and cons to each and she could weigh them up and let you know her preference. Hopefully then she doesn't feel like it's been put upon her.

@HulaHulaCheese

I'm also wondering why a lot of poster's gasp in horror at the thought of an 11 year old girl (who is there half the time) in a boxroom but most of the "solutions" offered are the 11year old boy in there. How come it's absolutely not okay for her but it is for him?

Because boys apparently don't have as much stuff. They haven't met my sons clearly

Definitely worth checking if anyone actively wants the smaller room. My DS room is 1.9m x 2.4m and he loves it. Have sourced furniture to make the most of the space but he has a bed, wardrobe, desk, draws and shelving and he says it's cosy.

Your step daughter should have the bigger room and your DD6 should have the box room. At 6 she’ll be happy with a high sleeper bunk thing, an 11 year old would not.

Maybe also consider that in five years time your step DD probably won’t be there 3/4 days a week so you can switch your DD6, then 11, into the room at that point. My DD loves her dad but at 15 she hasn’t slept over there in over a year now. Too busy with her friends, and it’s boring, apparently.

The 50/50 contact arrangement won’t be that rigid when she’s a teenager so it may make more sense to swap. Or you could have moved house by then. But your step DC shouldn’t be in the box room.

If DD6 will be sharing the room with the baby then I agree it makes sense for her to have the bigger room.

At 11 I had the small room and I wanted to swap with my eldest sibling to share rooms with my younger sibling as I too didn't mind. My mum said no and I'd thank her for it once I hit my teens. She was right and I was so grateful!

And believe me, having to share is not a curse. I didn’t have any step sister but we never had enough rooms for each of us to have our own bedroom. So we ended with 2 shared bedrooms and a single one. The one in the smallest bedroom was always sidelined by the other living in “teams” so my mother keep rotating who was in the single bedroom every couple of years.

I had not noticed you had 4 bedrooms, this is a no brainer really.

The girls share the bigger room, you and OH take the second one, DS takes the second smaller one and the baby, who will be going to bed earlier than the rest (and possibly waking up all the time) gets the smaller room.

By the time the baby needs a bigger room both DS and DSD might be away at university.

YABU op. The 6 year old gets the box room, she is younger and won’t mind as much. It’s not right to treat your DD second class because she’s there 50%. She is a full and equal member of your household. You say you love her equally, but clearly you lack insight into the dynamics here.

I haven't rtft but can I just say that no-one will suffer long term consequences if they don't have a desk in their room!

I have 3 bedrooms, 2 double and 1 box/single and 2 kids. The oldest has the bigger room as they were here first so that's how it worked, the youngest has the small room. Would he prefer a bigger room? Maybe but he's never mentioned it because the fact it we don't have one!

He has a bed a wardrobe and a drawer/shelving unit in there. Fortunately we have an extra room downstairs (converted garage) which has all of his gaming stuff in so he has the space he needs.

Oh, and we have a kitchen table to do homework at. I WFH without an office space and use the table so I don't see why a 13 year old can't.

I'd give the new baby the smallest room. They will be sharing with you at first anyway, and by the time they get to an age where they're bothered about having a bigger bedroom, your eldest will probably be off to uni/thinking about moving out anyway.

@funinthesun19

Is DS there all the time, though? Or is he not your DH's and sees his dad sometimes?

Even if he isn’t there full time, that’s his main home if op is the RP to her son, the same way dsd’s main home is with her mum. I doubt her mum is quick to give her a box room in her main home either.

Read the OP. The DSD’s main home is NOT with her mum - it’s 50/50 contact. Note how those 2 numbers are the same.

Sunshineandflipflops good point. As long as there is somewhere they can do homework quietly that's all that matters.

I think people need to remember that this is a small bedroom not a cupboard.

@Minfilia

Your step daughter should have the bigger room and your DD6 should have the box room. At 6 she’ll be happy with a high sleeper bunk thing, an 11 year old would not.

Maybe also consider that in five years time your step DD probably won’t be there 3/4 days a week so you can switch your DD6, then 11, into the room at that point. My DD loves her dad but at 15 she hasn’t slept over there in over a year now. Too busy with her friends, and it’s boring, apparently.

The 50/50 contact arrangement won’t be that rigid when she’s a teenager so it may make more sense to swap. Or you could have moved house by then. But your step DC shouldn’t be in the box room.

My 14yo has just requested a high bed with a desk underneath. My 17yo's only complaint about her midsleeper is she'd rather have a bunk so friends can sleep over.

But also, if the plan is to swap in 5 years time I can tell you that a 17yo won't necessarily say "oh I can see she needs it more than me because I'm not here as much." No there's a good chance they are going to see it as their room and their property and it will be just as hard and feel just as much of a rejection as giving the smaller room now, even if she's stopped sleeping over.
The only way you could do it is if you say she has it now, but when she's 15yo then they'll swap to be fair so she knows in advance. She may well still humph about it, but it won't be the big shock if you spring it on her.

I'd sit down with her and give her options:

1. Box room which is her own and stays her own.
2. Bigger room sharing with the baby, and swaps so your dd shares with the baby aged 15/16yo, or earlier if she (step-d) chooses.

She chooses from the options.
But you do need to explain the reality of sharing with a baby-not going in or being quiet during nap times/after baby is asleep. Smelly nappies. Not being able to leave delicate/dangerous things within reach once they're on the move. Crying at night. Waking early morning. You (stepmum/dad) will need to be able to come in if baby is ill/crying. She's probably envisioning a cuddly newborn who sleeps 12 hours at night and never gets annoying.

I suspect that if she goes for option 2, the novelty of sharing with a baby will very quickly wear off and she'll be happy to swap to have her own room. Two smelly nappies in the morning and a week of disturbed sleep will put off most teens however enthusiastic they are in the first place.

Yes DS is here full time. No one particularly wants the small room but DD isn’t as fussed about it so I think maybe the best option is to have her in there for now. Then they can switch when the baby moves out of our room. I don’t believe I’m not providing them with a big enough home, a 4 bed means they’ll be 3 bedrooms between 4 children, that’s not exactly over crowded. I did feel a bit mean when she got upset about it but this thread has at least showed me I’m not as terrible as some posters seem to think I am. I shared a room growing up till I moved out, never had space for a desk, I would have taken a box room happily. I can see how it looks for her at the moment, that the other two get bigger rooms and she gets the little one. She’ll probably be happier to take the box room when the options are have it or share. So yes I think we’ll just do a switch of rooms when the time comes

DSD is there 50/50. This is her main home just as much as the other home is.

I don’t agree. Even when children have a 50/50 arrangement, one of their homes will always be classed as their main home and that’s where their better bedroom will be and to me that’s fair.
They will be registered at that address for school, doctors, childcare, the rp still receives maintenance for them and child benefit/tax credits/universal credit.
The rp still makes the majority of decisions and is most “in charge” out of the two parents.

So no, even with a 50/50 arrangement I don’t think it means it’s a main home with the NRP just as much as the one where the RP lives.

I'd give her the smallest room. At 11 she is old enough to understand that decisions are made on a practical level.

ALL children in this situation need to be thought of rather than the DSD, although on this board it seems to be the DSC take precedence because of their often unfortunate family circumstances.

Read the OP. The DSD’s main home is NOT with her mum - it’s 50/50 contact. Note how those 2 numbers are the same.

And as I said, even with a 50/50 arrangement there is still a “main” home. The OP’s DS if he was 50/50 could have a box room at his dad’s and to me that would be fair especially if he has the better room at his main home.

It doesn’t matter anyway now. The OP has confirmed her DS is there full time. So the bigger bedroom should go to him hands down.

Squeakysqueal sounds a great solution. And you're right you don't need a bigger house!

Take her at her word, she wouldn't mind sharing with baby. She could really come through for you in that situation, give it a chance. If it doesn't work out arrangements can always be reviewed but that would be in a situation where everyone could see things would improve by changing.

if dd that's there all the time doesn't mind the small room, let her have it - with high bed/desk or whatever she wants.
if SD moans when it comes to sharing, tough luck - she had the option of the small solo room initially, she can't dictate that she has rights to pick and choose the best room on an ongoing basis.

@funinthesun19

DSD is there 50/50. This is her main home just as much as the other home is.

I don’t agree. Even when children have a 50/50 arrangement, one of their homes will always be classed as their main home and that’s where their better bedroom will be and to me that’s fair.
They will be registered at that address for school, doctors, childcare, the rp still receives maintenance for them and child benefit/tax credits/universal credit.
The rp still makes the majority of decisions and is most “in charge” out of the two parents.

So no, even with a 50/50 arrangement I don’t think it means it’s a main home with the NRP just as much as the one where the RP lives.

But you’ve just assumed that the RP here is the mother. The OP didn’t say that.

@DancesWithTortoises

I don't understand why people think you are being U. DSD has her own room at her Mum's. And I bet she keeps most of her stuff there as well. Child with least stuff gets smallest room.

You and DH are the adults here, a child does not dictate terms. And as for giving her agency? Perlease. Quite the daftest notion on a thread full of daftness.

Why should she keep most of her stuff at her mum’s when she lives with op 50% of the time? Poor kid has to juggle all of that and still have the smallest room.