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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
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MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/07/2021 07:58

DSD and DD (6) get the master bedroom. You and DH get 2nd biggest room (you only sleep in there tbh), DS gets third largest room and box room becomes a nursery-no one shares with the baby who will be up crying in the night/going to bed early/waking early etc

TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 08:00

An 11 year and 6 year old cannot share a room.

Apart from anything else 11 year old will need quiet space to do homework.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/07/2021 08:00

My older girls had stompa beds from around 11 to 15,16.
They did them fine. I think that's the answer tbh. I would put a cot in the bigger room with your dd when you move in to show everyone that there isn't a huge amount more space for your dd than her older half sister.
We all have to make decisions tbh like this, whether siblings are half,whole or step.
Dsd would be right if it weren't for the fact that a baby was on the way. You are right that she will not want to share with a baby or toddler later on and giving her the bigger room now just delays a big old problem down the line.

Lovemusic33 · 16/07/2021 08:01

Some of the replies here are just crazy, suggesting a 11 year old needs a double bed, suggesting DSD feels she’s being penalised for her parents being separated 🤔. I wonder how many of you have step kids and realise how hard it is to please everyone and not hurt anyone’s feelings? It’s not easy.

Yes ideally DSD would have the bigger room but I’m guessing OP’s dc have more things because they live in the house full time?

My dd is 15 and sleeps in a room that barely fits a bed and a tiny chest of drawers. It’s not ideal but she knows no different, she has storage out on the landing to put her things. Neither of my teens have a double bed or a room big enough for a double bed.

The fair thing would be to draw straws for the rooms then no child will think you love them any less than the others? But at the end of the day it’s up to you and dh to decide and the kids will just have to accept it, remind them that are kids that don’t even get their own rooms.

Inertia · 16/07/2021 08:01

Does your son spend any time with his father? How does the time split work there? If he’s with you 50% of the time there’s no reason he’d need a bigger room than SD.

With 4 bedrooms, someone is going to have to share with the 6 year old.

Either:
Big bedroom - mum , dad , initially baby
Big bedroom - 11yo and 6 yo share
3rd bedroom Son
4th bedroom nursery

Or

Big bedroom mum, dad, initially baby
2nd bedroom 6yo shares with baby
Son and stepdaughter draw lots for other 2 bedrooms.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:01

@TatianaBis

An 11 year and 6 year old cannot share a room.

Apart from anything else 11 year old will need quiet space to do homework.

A 6 year old is old enough to know not to go into their room when asked if 11 year old is busy to do homework.
TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 08:02

Realistically you need a bigger house in a cheaper area.

Confusedandshaken · 16/07/2021 08:03

It is only too easy for a 50/50 stepchild to feel sidelined so you need to be so tactful and thoughtful around this.

She has said she doesn't mind sharing with the youngest for now. I would accept that but make it clear that when she is older she will probably want her own space and if she does you will make a project of doing up the box room as a teenage den with a desk bed, built in storage etc.

We did this for my eldest who for some forgotten reason ended up in the box room while her little sister luxuriated in the double. She had a cabin bed that included a pullout desk along the window wall with built in shelves around it, and a floor to ceiling built in wardrobe. It had lilac wallpaper with silver stars and I painted everything to match (it was the 00s, lilac and silver were big!).. it wasn't expensive to do, everything came from IKEA and Argos and was then cut up and adjusted to fit the available space and it was like a very girly space ship cabin. She was literally the envy of her friends who came round to coo and gasp over it.

When she was 14 we moved to a bigger house where she had a double bedroom and en suite but she still talks about her lilac room and how much she loved it.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 16/07/2021 08:04

i think you're short-changing her..&sharing with a baby as a teen?! christ surely only parents have to endure that-give her the bigger room-shes a bigger person &needs a desk at least..the younger ones wont spend as much time in their room.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:04

DD6 is the one who should share with baby

mm8989 · 16/07/2021 08:05

I can see how she wouldn't think it's fair. I can also see that she's not their 100% of the time. what is her solution?

Maybe try the current girls sharing and see if she likes sharing? I would have taken a box room over sharing.

Eventually you will have an 8 year old and toddler sharing...thats not ideal and they are getting the shitty end of the stick.

The boy obviously has the best deal, but that's just how it is. You'll probably find he spend most of his life on a playstation and a box room might suit him in the future. I'd not set anything in stone, it's just their room for now.

LakieLady · 16/07/2021 08:06

I think I'd be feeling really hurt if I was DSD. I'd feel that I didn't count as much as my father's "new" family if I was only allowed a tiny room. It would be different if she was only there at weekends, but 50/50 is a lot of time to have to put up with a tiny room. Plus she'll be having a lot more homework, and needs space to study, especially when she starts GCSEs, which are only 3 years off.

And she's nearly a teenager. They come with a lot more stuff - school books, sports kit, electrical stuff. If she's anything like my DNiece, she'll practically need a separate room just for her shoes and beauty stuff!

I'd ask both girls (separately) whether they'd rather share or have the box room. If they both prefer to share, that's sorted and the baby can go in the box room in due course.

If one of them doesn't want to share, they get the box room. If neither of them want to share, pick straws to see who gets the little room.

Do you intend to extend/convert loft/move in a couple of years, OP? When the baby is bigger and needs their own room, it sounds as though things will be pretty cramped.

HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 08:06

Honestly people really make a big thing of every day issues when SC are involved. This is a thing as old as time with families. Someone has to have the smallest room and logically it should be the person who spends the least amount of time in it and has the least amount of things to store.

There will be 11yr olds (and kids of every other age) up and down the country who have box rooms and live to tell the tale. It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things is it.

HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 08:08

@CornishPastyDownUnder

i think you're short-changing her..&sharing with a baby as a teen?! christ surely only parents have to endure that-give her the bigger room-shes a bigger person &needs a desk at least..the younger ones wont spend as much time in their room.
I think OPs original idea was that the 6 year old is sharing with the baby hence why the 6 year old needs the bigger room (because soon there will be 2 in it). DSD is getting her own room and space without having to share if she goes in the box room.
ihtwsf · 16/07/2021 08:08

The 6 year old has a larger room with the baby.
DS and DSD get the other two rooms and swap every 2 years. If you go for fairly neutral decor then it would be a case of swapping furniture. They can put up posters/pictures/photos to personalize their rooms.
To decide who goes in the box room first you draw lots.

I really can't see an 11 year old being happy sharing with the baby - especially when she is 13-14 and the younger one is then 2-3. It just doesn't work. She'll be needing to do homework or wanting to listen to music, have friends round, chat on phone until way past the toddler's bedtime.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:10

HulaHulaCheese exactly. Remove the 'step' from the situation and 'treat them as your own'. What would you do if they were all your children and one of them was there 50% of the time.

ihtwsf · 16/07/2021 08:10

Another thought - is there somewhere else in the house where you could create a quiet study area for one of them? So the child in the boxroom gets that plus the study area and the other child gets the larger room.

hherra20 · 16/07/2021 08:10

I think if u really want to make things fair u should buy a mansion make sure that your son daughter and a baby has two bedrooms each so they can use each bedroom half the time.And your stepdaughter get's a bedroom at yours and her moms.Otherwise it will never be "fair"

Conchitastrawberry · 16/07/2021 08:11

I think it’s the right thing so that she gets her own room and doesn’t have to share. Makes perfect sense to me. In a couple of years there’s absolutely no way she’ll want to share no matter what she says now. My DS is 14 and has the small room , to be honest he never moves from the bed!

Growing up there were 4 girls and two boys in a three bed until we moved. One sister had the box room, while 3 of us shared and the boys (both babies) were in with my mum and dad.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 08:12

@drumandthebass

DSD should have the smaller room. She already has another bedroom at her mums so effectively has two. Also have you considered she may not want to come and stay so often as she gets older?
She certainly won’t if she’s made to feel like second best.
HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 08:13

She certainly won’t if she’s made to feel like second best

Guessing you don't care how the other DC are made to feel though?

SilverOak · 16/07/2021 08:15

Tell her she has a choice. She either shares the big room with your older DD or she has the small room to herself.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:16

How are the other kids going to feel if they get the small room and someone who is here half the time gets the big one? I think that's also important to factor in.

HulaHulaCheese · 16/07/2021 08:18

@Uramaki

How are the other kids going to feel if they get the small room and someone who is here half the time gets the big one? I think that's also important to factor in.
Don't be ridiculous. The other DC don't matter.
Draineddraineddrained · 16/07/2021 08:18

People don't seem to take in 50:50. She doesn't "visit" or "come round" - she loves there half the time. And half at her mum's. She doesn't have "two rooms" in any meaningful sense, she has one room wherever she is at the time. If the view is taken as she is only using it half the time she doesn't need a good room, that view could just as well be taken in the other house she lives in - so she is penalised for the fact her parents divorced and decided on 50:50 custody. Never mind she already had to do without one of her parents literally ALL THE TIME. She gets treated as a second class citizen too.

The logical solution is smallest room to smallest child. They get to graduate to bigger ones as older leave home. Simple. Well it is if you don't opt to have more kids than you have rooms.