Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

I think moving in a year or two is a terrible idea. You would then be taking away her bedroom whether she'd previously agreed or not. People are always going on on here about how you should never take away SCs bedrooms. What if she is upset about that then too?

At least if she is in the smaller room now that is her room and it will continue to be. Surely it's worse to get her settled in a bigger room and then change it again.

Children don't think about the future like that.

She'll likely agree to it now because she just wants the bigger room. I would bet my house she will not want to move when the time comes.

For an 11 year old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

GTF, @puppylife! I didn't have a double bed till I was in college 😂 I wouldn't be getting one for a barely secondary-aged child!

@episcomama

For an 11 year old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

GTF, @puppylife! I didn't have a double bed till I was in college 😂 I wouldn't be getting one for a barely secondary-aged child!

Same! I didn’t have a double bed until I moved away to university. Growing up, I never knew anyone with a double bed! Dsd should have the smallest room because she won’t have to share, unlike her younger sisters.

I think moving in a year or two is a terrible idea. You would then be taking away her bedroom whether she'd previously agreed or not. People are always going on on here about how you should never take away SCs bedrooms. What if she is upset about that then too?

I was expecting the realitiy of the new baby being there and needing to be put in a room may have hit by then.

Plus privacy will be increasingly important as SD gets older and hits secondary school.

It also takes some of the emotion out of the move at the minute and gives time to sell idea of long term room plan and how it could be done up to be nice and private.

If she really doesn't want to move well then surely she shares with the baby - and gets reminded she had a choice and chose that.

@SpongebobNoPants

This is madness!

We allocated by who is here the most…

Me & DP - 30-31 days a month & only home = master bedroom

My DD11 - 30-31 days a month & only home = 2nd largest bedroom

My DS6 - 23-24 days a month & has own room at his dad’s = 3rd bedroom

DSD12 & DSD16 - 8-10 days a month & each have their own rooms at mum’s = box room with bunk beds

No drama, it’s logical.

Why on earth should a child who lives there full time have the box room when a much larger room sits empty 50% of the time?? It’s ridiculous and unfair on your DS.
DSD also has her own room at her mum’s so has the benefit of 2 bedrooms being solely hers.

Why is it unfair on the OP’s DS? He’s the one that does best out of this.

@AnUnoriginalUsername

Two girls share the biggest room. You take the next room, DS in the next, baby in the smallest. Doesn't make sense for anyone to share with the baby that will presumably wake up crying in the night.

This is what I was going to suggest. Two girls, biggest room as they are 'separate' people and will need their own beds, wardrobe, storage etc.; you and dh have second largest as you only need one bed, wardrobe etc. and have the whole of the rest of the house to store your stuff; ds next room, baby gets smallest. Then you can play musical rooms when baby's a bit older if necessary.

I am a step child and a step parent. I slept on a sofa bed at my Dads for years and it never affected me. I think it makes total sense for the child who is there less to have less space. She gets two bedrooms - the others just get one.

I think it's quite logical to give her the smallest room as it will be used the least. I dont think you're doing it to be mean. But alas, kids rarely understand that pov. Good luck.

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt: 'Fucking hell. No wonder there are so many entitled children in the world. It would be nice for them to have their own space. They don't need it.

Surely sharing a room is not the end of the world for children. But fucked backs and bad sleep for people who have to work is OK?'

Ours did all need their own space, for various reasons. Before that, the older two shared for years, but there came a point when it was no longer working well. And i can't quite work out why no bedroom = fucked backs.
We're now moving and everyone will have a room.

I don't think there's always an issue with sharing per se. The dynamics of OP's particular family set-up mean that sharing situations fall too far short of ideal, IMO. And as the parents have made the decisions that led to the situation, they should, again IMO, be the ones to accommodate.

@CecilyP

One PP said she and DH slept in the dining room for 3 years so all their DC could have their own space.

Family friends once had mum and dad, 4 kids, eldest daughter's husband and baby plus a lodger in a typical interwar 3 bed (2 doubles and and a box) semi. In addition, I use to sometimes stay for a sleepover. They used the front living room as a bedroom but that's what I would call overcrowded.

The lodger must have been absolutely desperate for a roof over their head

No, he was just very happy there and liked being part of this lively family! He did later get married and move away!

Is anyone genuinely scarred from having a small bedroom? Are children really using space as an indicator of their worth in a family?

I don't think there's always an issue with sharing per se. The dynamics of OP's particular family set-up mean that sharing situations fall too far short of ideal, IMO. And as the parents have made the decisions that led to the situation, they should, again IMO, be the ones to accommodate.

Why? A house with a bedroom each for each child and two sharing does not "fall too far short of ideal", it basically is ideal. Why on earth is that bad enough to merit parents needing to give up their room?

Actually, sharing with the baby is not necessarily that impractcal. You could put baby to bed in your bed, and then move him into his cot later. I know people think this is ridiculous, but it's terribly easy to move a sleeping child without waking them, just be gentle, murmur to them in your quietest most loving voice and they might stir a bit but that's it. It meant, for us, that dd could fall asleep anywhere and we could put her in bed later on. My parents did it with me and my siblings too; i do have very warm memories of being picked up from the back of the car and carried to bed, just vague and safe and warm and happy, snuggling into dad......

I could walk dd to the loo in the middle of the night and back into bed, when she was two or three without her properly waking throughout the entire operation!

@CecilyP

No, he was just very happy there and liked being part of this lively family! He did later get married and move away!

Tbf id judge the parents in that situation if that adults were all just there for fun. Presumably eldest, dsil abd dgc in one, lodger in box, other 3 in second double? No one can stay up late or get up early because theres no where to be other than a bedroom full of people.

However, that would risk waking a sleeping teenager - that would definitely be far from ideal!

@aSofaNearYou

And what's wrong with moving them around again at a later date?

The fact that it's not necessary and sends a strong message that one of the bedrooms is better and should be coveted by the other child?

Moving them around at a later date is bound to cause resentment.

How is it worse for SD to be able to take and decorate the box room now then to come to her in 18 months and say "right, baby needs to be in this big room now so you're moving into the box room"?

It makes zero sense for SD to be in the bigger room unless she's going to share with DD6.

SleepingStandingUp, don't worry, that situation only lasted for a year or so until the eldest, son in law and baby moved to their own house. The small back dining room was used as a sitting room and a conservatory used for dining (and playing darts!)

Could DD and DSD share the bigger room. Leaving the small room as a nursery for baby. DD would have the room to herself half the time anyway and DSD will not feel like she's in a box. If she said she's happy to share with a baby surely sharing with dd will not be an issue?

@SomeNameorOther

Actually, sharing with the baby is not necessarily that impractcal. You could put baby to bed in your bed, and then move him into his cot later. I know people think this is ridiculous, but it's terribly easy to move a sleeping child without waking them, just be gentle, murmur to them in your quietest most loving voice and they might stir a bit but that's it. It meant, for us, that dd could fall asleep anywhere and we could put her in bed later on. My parents did it with me and my siblings too; i do have very warm memories of being picked up from the back of the car and carried to bed, just vague and safe and warm and happy, snuggling into dad......

I could walk dd to the loo in the middle of the night and back into bed, when she was two or three without her properly waking throughout the entire operation!

Not all children are like this at all. Some wake very easily when moved.

Also, look at the amount of threads on this site about people who struggle to get their child to go to sleep and stay in their own bed. A young child needs to learn to go to sleep in their own bed, not that they can just drop wherever/in mum's bed and be carried to their own bed...that's a recipe for chaos.

Anyway.....people are only saying it's not ideal to share with a baby FOR SD. She is the one who will be impacted more by that, not the baby.

I would have thought most children of 11+ (and even younger tbh) would rather have their own private, smaller room where they can sit up reading or watching TV until they go to bed, rather than not being able to use their room after 6.30/7pm because a pre-schooler is asleep in there.

I would much rather have had my own small room than have to share with a baby!

People are all seeing the smaller room as the worst, but I would rank the rooms as:

Best: middle sized room to yourself
Second: smallest room to yourself
Worst: biggest room sharing with baby

If your DD isn't bothered about room size I'd flip a coin for DD and DS to see who gets middle size and who gets small, then DSD can share with baby.

I would speak to DSD though and make sure she understands what the reality would be of sharing with a baby, i.e. baby's stuff will take up half the room, likely to wake several times in th night etc.

Then if she didn't want the big room I'd give her the smaller room and DS then middle as she already has a big room to herself half the time anyway.

Room 1: mum and dad
Room 2: Boy
Room 3: 2 girls
Room 4: Baby
If sdd is 11 in 7 years time she'll be 18.
My dd went to Uni abs never returned.
Wouldn't let ds have her big room.
So it stood empty for 2 years.
We even moved house abs had a room fir her there (not the biggest)

That would be her mum’s in terms of what’s wrote down as her address but she’s always spent just as much time here as she has there.

She’s just as much part of our family as everyone else is, it’s strange people are judging the entire dynamic of our family on one decision we have to make

OP I haven’t said she’s not part of your family.

BUT it is relevant where her main home is, if it just on paper. Your children deserve to have a bedroom to call their own just as much dsd does at her mum’s. I know you think I’m being unreasonable in my approach to this but I’m actually sticking up for you.

I also would have though it was ridiculous for my step sister to be in a box room and me to have a big room to myself when I was only there half the time!

@Chikapu

Is anyone genuinely scarred from having a small bedroom? Are children really using space as an indicator of their worth in a family?

When we moved here - IL just started making noises along those line that were were unfair to DD1 not giving her the biggest room - we'd alrwady made our decsion and kids were happy.

In our view - DS went from box room to bigger room -over a room where we'd less likely to hear him get up and down all the time - and DDs got a room each and no longer had to share.

We're not a blended family, there wasn't a new baby on the way, and there's no resentment or worry between our kids - so their views weren't upsetting our kids and it was easy to say butt out.

I think DSsi found it harder with her children and step child as competeing views were aired in front of the children - by various relatives some of which chidlren took onboard including idea they should just rent somewhere bigger depsite lack of such propeties and massive rent hike.