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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
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7
aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 10:43

And what's wrong with moving them around again at a later date?

The fact that it's not necessary and sends a strong message that one of the bedrooms is better and should be coveted by the other child?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 10:47

@aSofaNearYou

And what's wrong with moving them around again at a later date?

The fact that it's not necessary and sends a strong message that one of the bedrooms is better and should be coveted by the other child?

That depends what you consider necessary I guess, the SD is upset and feels "least favoured" the younger DD doesn't seem to mind either way, I would give it to the child that feels hurt so that she doesn't feel hurt anymore.......
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 10:49

@aSofaNearYou it is very weird how people are happy for DS to have the small room that isn't good enough for DSD when they are the same level of "non-bio" (weird term I only really use for washing powder).

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 10:50

@aSofaNearYou

And what's wrong with moving them around again at a later date?

The fact that it's not necessary and sends a strong message that one of the bedrooms is better and should be coveted by the other child?

Exactly, if the adults make a big deal about the small room being the better room as it means they are on their own they'll all be fighting over it!
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 10:54

I would give it to the child that feels hurt so that she doesn't feel hurt anymore.......

Where do you draw the line with that though. Sometimes kids feel hurt. You have to teach them how to cope with that not take something off someone else to stop them hurting.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 10:54

That depends what you consider necessary I guess, the SD is upset and feels "least favoured" the younger DD doesn't seem to mind either way, I would give it to the child that feels hurt so that she doesn't feel hurt anymore.......

So instead it reassuring her that the bedroom she is likely to be in for the rest of her childhood in NO way means she is less favoured, they should confirm to her that the big bedroom does in fact = more loved, so not only should DD6 be upset about the downgrade, but DSD should be upset about it when she is inevitably moved in a year or so? Why make such a massive deal out of, instead of saying the obvious "no of course we don't love you any less, now how do you want to decorate your room?"

SciFiScream · 16/07/2021 10:56

Do you have any outside space? Any money available? Could you buy a pod in the garden just for DSD? Then she'd have her own, really private space for hanging about, bringing friends over and studying - leaving her bedroom for sleeping and storage.

It would need to be suggested in a way that made it feel special and not being shoved to the garden though - that's a risk!

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 10:57

[quote Uramaki]@aSofaNearYou it is very weird how people are happy for DS to have the small room that isn't good enough for DSD when they are the same level of "non-bio" (weird term I only really use for washing powder).[/quote]
I agree. I think there is a strong bias towards focusing on the non resident children, I think.

AbsolutelyTerrific · 16/07/2021 11:00

If I backed down every time my child accused me of favouring the other (usually when they are getting told off for something!) or not loving them as much as the other, they'd be running the place.

Agree with ASofa. Don't reinforce the idea that smaller bedroom = less favoured / less loved by agreeing with her. Tell her that's simply not true, explain the reasons and carry on.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 11:03

@Uramaki

I would give it to the child that feels hurt so that she doesn't feel hurt anymore.......

Where do you draw the line with that though. Sometimes kids feel hurt. You have to teach them how to cope with that not take something off someone else to stop them hurting.

She isn't taking it off anyone yet though, they haven't even moved yet by the sounds of the OP, sounds like they're still deciding which way to go
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 11:05

Ok not take it off them, but not allocate it to someone just becuase DSC wants it.

Whatabouttery · 16/07/2021 11:06

The way the box room was sold to me was that it was my own space and I didn't have to share.

Very important for teenage girls.

My parents couldn't afford much but they did put up some shelves for me to put all my tat on and make it feel like my space.

If you can afford a high sleeper with desk or chair below that would be lovely and grown up. Along with her choice of deco if possible and maybe a storage box or bit of space elsewhere in the house if needed that should be ok?

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 11:09

@AryaStarkWolf

Why would it make DSD feel more favoured to have that bedroom for one year, and then lose it for potentially 10ish?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 11:10

@aSofaNearYou

That depends what you consider necessary I guess, the SD is upset and feels "least favoured" the younger DD doesn't seem to mind either way, I would give it to the child that feels hurt so that she doesn't feel hurt anymore.......

So instead it reassuring her that the bedroom she is likely to be in for the rest of her childhood in NO way means she is less favoured, they should confirm to her that the big bedroom does in fact = more loved, so not only should DD6 be upset about the downgrade, but DSD should be upset about it when she is inevitably moved in a year or so? Why make such a massive deal out of, instead of saying the obvious "no of course we don't love you any less, now how do you want to decorate your room?"

How does that confirm anything? That's a bit of a warped way of looking at it imo. Saying, "the bedroom doesn't mean anything, we just thought you'd prefer you're own room when the new baby will have to share when they get older but if it makes you feel better you can have that room as DD doesn't mind which bedroom she has" I don't know, I just think it's silly to make her feel that way when the other daughter doesn't seem to mind anyway
aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 11:12

How does that confirm anything? That's a bit of a warped way of looking at it imo.

How is it warped? To keep swapping people in and out of that room is to confirm that that is the best room.

Whammyyammy · 16/07/2021 11:14

I wish I threw a strop as a child, maybe my parents woukd if had my small room and gave me theirs.....

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 11:14

[quote aSofaNearYou]@AryaStarkWolf

Why would it make DSD feel more favoured to have that bedroom for one year, and then lose it for potentially 10ish? [/quote]
Didn't the OP say that SD said she wouldn't mind sharing with the baby? so she's already aware that there will be some change in the future

AbsolutelyTerrific · 16/07/2021 11:16

@Whammyyammy

I wish I threw a strop as a child, maybe my parents woukd if had my small room and gave me theirs.....
I don't know if this is a new thing or not but I've seen it before on MN. Parents sleeping in the lounge so heaven forbid their children don't have to share.

Hell would have froze over before my mum and dad slept on the sofa so I could have their master bedroom.

It's a wonder some of us older folks survived childhood isn't it really what with having to live in box rooms and without... DESKS. Dun dun dunnnnnn.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 11:17

@aSofaNearYou

How does that confirm anything? That's a bit of a warped way of looking at it imo.

How is it warped? To keep swapping people in and out of that room is to confirm that that is the best room.

No it confirms that it's a bigger room
AbsolutelyTerrific · 16/07/2021 11:20

She may not mind (and what she says she doesn't mind now is likely going to be different when a crying baby is a reality), but is it practical?

Is it really practical to have a nearly teen sharing a room with a small baby or child who'll be going to bed likely hours before her making her room essentially unusable from X time onward?

Or would the most logical solution be her have her own room, which she can use until her own bedtime whilst the children closest in age and therefore likely to have the most similar bed time share?

It doesn't need to be based on emotions. Kids find things unfair sometimes (a lot actually!). It's up to us as adults and parents to determine whether it is actually unfair or whether it's the best thing.

Nojobforoldmums · 16/07/2021 11:25

The problem is this is 50:50, if she is non resident here she is not resident anywhere. Or, if the assumption is , really the mum is the primary parent and that is her real home, why make her endure the farce of equal parents?

randomlyLostInWales · 16/07/2021 11:28

She’ll probably be happier to take the box room when the options are have it or share. So yes I think we’ll just do a switch of rooms when the time comes

Probably the best thing and I suspect you're correct she'd perfer own room in the long run.

I don't get the overcrowded comments. I shared with sibling till I was 17 and old child moved out. I was also only child who didn't have a desk in their room - I had to work downstairs on dinning room table - and I got the best exams results and most education of my siblings.

I think our kids are bloody lucky to each get their own rooms. DD2 is in our box room - she had a mid sleeper with storage under and desk shelves and there's a built in wardrobe - it is small but it is all her's. First few years she just had a single bed and built in wardrobe and DH insisted we couldn't get the midsleeper we had in there - we did and there's more usuable space now. It's surprising how much you can do with a small space.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 11:31

No it confirms that it's a bigger room

Yes, with no emotive value making it much more logical for her to be in the smaller one.....

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 11:32

The only reason to put her in the bigger room, is because it is "better". In every other way it does not stack up.

SpongebobNoPants · 16/07/2021 11:33

This is madness!

We allocated by who is here the most…

Me & DP - 30-31 days a month & only home = master bedroom

My DD11 - 30-31 days a month & only home = 2nd largest bedroom

My DS6 - 23-24 days a month & has own room at his dad’s = 3rd bedroom

DSD12 & DSD16 - 8-10 days a month & each have their own rooms at mum’s = box room with bunk beds

No drama, it’s logical.

Why on earth should a child who lives there full time have the box room when a much larger room sits empty 50% of the time?? It’s ridiculous and unfair on your DS.
DSD also has her own room at her mum’s so has the benefit of 2 bedrooms being solely hers.