Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

Why on earth should a child who lives there full time have the box room when a much larger room sits empty 50% of the time?? It’s ridiculous and unfair on your DS.
DSD also has her own room at her mum’s so has the benefit of 2 bedrooms being solely hers.

Why is it unfair on the OP’s DS? He’s the one that does best out of this.

I don't understand how OP's DS is doing best out of this?

At best he is equal to his younger sister if he gets one of the bigger rooms, at worst he's in a box room 100% of the time in order that SD gets to have a bigger one.

@HeckyPeck

I would much rather have had my own small room than have to share with a baby!

People are all seeing the smaller room as the worst, but I would rank the rooms as:

Best: middle sized room to yourself
Second: smallest room to yourself
Worst: biggest room sharing with baby

If your DD isn't bothered about room size I'd flip a coin for DD and DS to see who gets middle size and who gets small, then DSD can share with baby.

I would speak to DSD though and make sure she understands what the reality would be of sharing with a baby, i.e. baby's stuff will take up half the room, likely to wake several times in th night etc.

Then if she didn't want the big room I'd give her the smaller room and DS then middle as she already has a big room to herself half the time anyway.

Completely agree. The worst bedroom for me is the one that's shared!!

I would 10000000% rather be in the smallest room and have it to myself rather than share with anyone.

My dd went to Uni abs never returned.
Wouldn't let ds have her big room.
So it stood empty for 2 years.

I find that odd - DD1 already knows when she head off she and DD2 will be swapping rooms they agree it makes sense and when DS moves on we'll see what's best then for everyone living here.

I'd give her a choice between having the box room completely to herself (with DD6 eventually sharing with the baby- agree a cot should go in ASAP to reinforce that this isn't just DD6's room), or sharing the bigger bedroom with DD6.

She might say she's happy to share with the baby, but being in with a much, much younger sibling just won't be practical even in the medium-term. I wouldn't be playing musical beds with a toddler half the week because DSD wants to stay up later than 7-8pm but also have the perceived privilege of having the bigger room.

I suspect that she's thinking she could argue for the bigger room thinking that she'll somehow get that and not have to share. That wouldn't be fair to the other three children who spend the majority of their time at this house.

@Bibidy

Why on earth should a child who lives there full time have the box room when a much larger room sits empty 50% of the time?? It’s ridiculous and unfair on your DS. DSD also has her own room at her mum’s so has the benefit of 2 bedrooms being solely hers.

Why is it unfair on the OP’s DS? He’s the one that does best out of this.

I don't understand how OP's DS is doing best out of this?

At best he is equal to his younger sister if he gets one of the bigger rooms, at worst he's in a box room 100% of the time in order that SD gets to have a bigger one.

Because the OP has decided on her solution. A fact which many posters either haven’t registered or have chosen to ignore in order to continue arguing.

The OP’s plan involves either her DD or SD sharing with the baby in due course and the other getting the box room. DS will be neither sharing nor getting the box room. Hence he is doing best out of it.

I don't understand how OP's DS is doing best out of this?

At best he is equal to his younger sister if he gets one of the bigger rooms, at worst he's in a box room 100% of the time in order that SD gets to have a bigger one.
Isn't the other bigger room shared in some combination?

My dd went to Uni abs never returned.
Wouldn't let ds have her big room.
So it stood empty for 2 years.

Well you’re complicit if you let a teenager walk all over you.

Logically you're completely correct, she should have the smaller room. Otherwise one of the children who always lives with you will have to be in a smaller room 💯 of the time, and that's not fair either. All the children are equal as you've said, so you have to make a decision which is difficult, but I think it's the right one.
As a stepmum you'll be made the villain whatever you do.
Could you maybe pop a wardrobe for her in your dds room, so she could have a bit more space in the small room?

Things can't always be planned around one child's feelings, sometimes decisions have to be based on practicality.

An 11 year old sharing with a baby when it's not necessary is nonsense. SD may well say she's happy to do this but she doesn't understand the reality of not being able to use the room after a certain time, or being disturbed through the night and having to get up for school the next day.

She needs to understand that taking the box room is the only way she gets a bedroom to herself. Otherwise she shares one of the bigger rooms with DD6 and the baby gets the box room down the line.

@Bibidy

Things can't always be planned around one child's feelings, sometimes decisions have to be based on practicality.

An 11 year old sharing with a baby when it's not necessary is nonsense. SD may well say she's happy to do this but she doesn't understand the reality of not being able to use the room after a certain time, or being disturbed through the night and having to get up for school the next day.

She needs to understand that taking the box room is the only way she gets a bedroom to herself. Otherwise she shares one of the bigger rooms with DD6 and the baby gets the box room down the line.

Ah you’re pivoting now that you’ve seen your argument that DS was potentially losing out is bogus. Good-oh.

If the box room is really that small you could put her wardrobe in DS's room and she could just have a bed, desk and a small chest of drawers/beside table in the box room. Hook on the back of her door for this visit's clothes so she's not constantly going in and out of DS's room (which would be annoying for both).

I would put 6yo in the small room, smallest child gets smallest room.

You may well move in 5 years time.

I would put 6yo in the small room, smallest child gets smallest room

This makes no sense at all

Ah you’re pivoting now that you’ve seen your argument that DS was potentially losing out is bogus. Good-oh.

DuchessDarty - Sorry, I actually hadn't seen your reply when I posted that!

I do get your argument that he won't have to share or get the box room, but the not sharing is just by virtue of all the other siblings including the baby being the opposite sex, which isn't his fault or choice.

I guess he could be considered for the box room, but I don't really see the logic in that if it's just so that SD can have a bigger room to herself instead. They are the same age and he lives in the house all the time. I genuinely can't see the sense in him having a much smaller room just for another bigger room to sit empty half the time.

But putting everything aside, I genuinely think the parents need to make a decision based on what's practical, not on what suits one child the best.

That to me is either SD gets the box room to herself, or she shares the bigger room with DD6. Putting myself in her shoes, I'd much rather have the box room to myself, particularly thinking over the next few years when she is 13/14 sharing a room with an 8 year old who's going to bed much earlier.

I think she has just seen the size of the room when it's empty and been unhappy, rather than being helped to consider how much better it is for her to have her own room rather than sharing.

@claralara42

I would put 6yo in the small room, smallest child gets smallest room

This makes no sense at all

That's how it worked in our house of 6 kids.

Hi @Bibidy I get all that about the DS. But I repeat, how is any of this unfair on the DS, which is what a PP said and what I was responding to?

I have boy/girl twins - my son always gets the smaller bedroom but we make up for it by giving him more space elsewhere in the house ie the playroom is pretty much used extensively by him where he plays his playstation. Maybe that's an option for you if there is space elsewhere in the house he can call his own to make up for a smaller rooms? All children are different but I found my son had nothing in his room but a bed and clothes while my daughter had a myriad of things.
I would give your DSS choice ie a) the smaller room with a special bed / desk thing or b) the bigger room but she needs to downsize when you move the baby in with your other daughter. Children like choice makes them feel more incontrol. even if she doesnb't like her choices given her choice would be better than telling her your decision as at that age they have a tendency to rebel....

@DuchessDarty

Hi *@Bibidy* I get all that about the DS. But I repeat, how is any of this unfair on the DS, which is what a PP said and what I was responding to?

Oh I don't think it's unfair on him, think I must have missed the previous comment on that score. Was just saying I didn't see why he was especially advantaged here. But admit I didn't think about how he doesn't have to share in any scenario.

OK. I naturally assumed you must have seen that comment since you responded to my post where I quoted @SpongebobNoPants saying that.

The DS gets a room to himself whichever the scenario because he's the only boy. That's just how the chips fell and is completely reasonable.

In fact @Bibidy you yourself quoted that comment by Spongebob when you cut and pasted to reply to me…

@AbsolutelyTerrific

The DS gets a room to himself whichever the scenario because he's the only boy. That's just how the chips fell and is completely reasonable.

Yes it is. Who is saying it isn’t?

@DuchessDarty

OK. I naturally assumed you must have seen that comment since you responded to my post where I quoted *@SpongebobNoPants* saying that.

Oh I see what you mean! Sorry got proper crossed wires over here.

I do think it would be unfair on him to be in the box room given he's in the house 100% and is the same age as SD, but my responses were more based on him being unfairly advantaged in any scenario, rather that it being super unfair on him.

It's difficult as well when we don't know the context of the other children - eg does DS spend any time with his dad, assuming his dad isn't OP's DH? Is DD6 his full sibling or is she OP's & DH's as well?

I do think the emotions need to be taken out of it to make the best decision, but think if people are considering SD's feelings they also need to consider DS's to the same extent, given he's (presumably) also a stepchild and is also dealing with the arrival of a new sibling.

I think my post has been misunderstood…
I think giving a room for the sole purpose of a child who is there only half the time is madness, I also think it’s ridiculous to give a full time resident child the smallest room whilst another larger room sits empty for 50% of the week.

Best case scenario I think is either SD gets the box room to herself or she shares the largest of the bedrooms with DD half of the time and baby has the box room as a nursery.

Full time residents of the house take priority as it is their only home.

I don't understand this. My room was small growing up, some of my friends rooms were tiny. It's just one of those things you have to deal with as a child and nothing to do with being a stepchild. She either shares or has the box room!