Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

@Viviennemary

She is the oldest child so should have the option of the biggest room. How unwise to move to a smaller house with yet another baby on the way.

Erm.. why does the oldest need more space? My younger sister had the bigger room growing up as I didn't need space to mess around on the floor.

My Mum and Dad were far from perfect but I feel real sympathy for children that have to deal with this. As if life wasnt difficult enough. Parents split up. New baby on the way. Overcrowded house. And now being given the worst room. Absolutely not on.

@Viviennemary

She is the oldest child so should have the option of the biggest room. How unwise to move to a smaller house with yet another baby on the way.

Has it occured to you that there must have been a reason, not done on a whim to piss off the unloved and unwanted poor step child??

@TomHardysPyjamas

Where do they keep their tablets/laptops? When they're revising for GCSEs at the kitchen table all day every day during the holidays - how does that work with meals & family noise?

I kept my laptop on top of my chest of drawers. Used it sat up in bed. Got good GCSEs and A Levels, and continued to study like this at university, even with having a desk there.

I honestly can't understand the shock and horror here about kids not having a desk!?!?!?!?

Maybe they slide their tablets and laptops under the bed, if they even have these things?! Maybe they always have to work on the one shared computer in their house?

When I was revising for GCSEs I sat on my bedroom floor or on my bed, I stuck post-its on my walls. It wasn't an issue that I didn't have a desk at all.

And same as TomHardysPyjamas, I did this all through uni too?

It honestly isn't unusual for people not to have a desk in their rooms! Or anywhere in their house in fact.

I have been working from home FT since last March and I don't even have a desk now! I work from the sofa.

@Viviennemary

My Mum and Dad were far from perfect but I feel real sympathy for children that have to deal with this. As if life wasnt difficult enough. Parents split up. New baby on the way. Overcrowded house. And now being given the worst room. Absolutely not on.

Four children between three bedrooms is hardly overcrowded

How small is box room. I lived in small box full time for 15yrs till parents did extension

Give dsd a choice

Own small room

Or Larger room which she shares with 6yr

Ds in 2nd large bedroom

Baby in box

I’f wants own room she gets box and maybe some clothes space in large shared girls room

Dd6 and baby share

Ds own larger room

@Wildest

In our house the smallest person gets the smallest room. 50/50 is often enough that she deserves the space and a baby won't care about a small room but a tween/teenager will spend a lot of time in theirs.

I resented my parents greatly for this rule. My brother had a massive room with loads of natural sunlight and it was warm. I was crammed into a box room that was always cold and had no space for my stuff. I also grew taller than my parents so by that daft rule they should have been i their. Why does a fluke of when you re born say you get the best room?

I kept my laptop on top of my chest of drawers. Used it sat up in bed. Got good GCSEs and A Levels, and continued to study like this at university, even with having a desk there.

I don't find working on a bed as effective as at a desk. It seems like it might be more comfortable but it's actually more of a faff.

I think if that were me I would buy a foldaway desk

@amission

It's not about how much she uses it though is it, it's about having a welcoming space.

It doesn't matter what her room is like at her mum's if she's there 50/50. All that says to her is that her 'real' home is elsewhere and that when she's at her dad's she's not really 'at home'. Given how difficult it must be for her already that's a harsh message to hear.

What I don't understand about these comments is why do people think box rooms exist, if they are so indisputably just horrible punishments to inflict upon children? And which other child do you think should receive that "harsh message" in her place?

You can be at home and in a box room, you know. A box room is just a small bedroom, not another kingdom.

does she have to have the worst room at her mum's as well, as she is only there half the time? 50/50 often becomes convenient for the parents but shit for the kids.

I would give the 6 year old the smallest room, why cause hurt when there doesn't have to be any?

but this is relative to other DC in the family who are the "better" kids living with their family full time and intact no one is saying they are the better kids. If anything giving SDC a room of her own is more important as it's saying she is a respected part of the family not being forced to share with someone else as she isn't there half the time.

@Viviennemary

My Mum and Dad were far from perfect but I feel real sympathy for children that have to deal with this. As if life wasnt difficult enough. Parents split up. New baby on the way. Overcrowded house. And now being given the worst room. Absolutely not on.

They're not overcrowded. The house is probably suitable for 9 units, and even woth babu born they're only 4.5. but even from a bedroom standard, double bedrooms can accommodate 2 people so 7 people and baby will only make 6.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

OP - your first post states ‘we have step DD……..’ This is your DH’s/DP’s DD! She is your step DD - there should be no ‘we’

I understand your point of view, but frankly I don’t understand why people go on to increase their family when they clearly can’t provide the necessary accommodation.

They have enough accommodation. It's just how to split it.

I need to stop reading some of the comments on this thread.....of course the OP should magic extra money out of her arse for a bigger house so all of the children get a room with a desk (who knew desks would be the new way to prove your social standing on mumsnet ). Of course all of their children will now become drug addicted sponges on society (who will get far more sympathy on mumsnet than the op has benefitted from because we must be kind when it suits us).
@Squeakysqueal in my opinion SD would get the smallest room, nicely decorated to her taste and a conversation about the practicalities of adult life and decision making processes. Some reassurance that she is very much wanted and the size of a bedroom does not equate to the amount of love felt.
I am bowing out now as clearly I don't move in the right circles for this thread

What I don't understand about these comments is why do people think box rooms exist, if they are so indisputably just horrible punishments to inflict upon children? And which other child do you think should receive that "harsh message" in her place?
I assumed they were put in to punish your least favourite child and in modern times the step kids. I do hope op has made ot clear she's not allowed carpet or wallpaper too.

Its interesting that its an evil punishment designed to make step daughter feel unwelcome but for the ops bio kids its fine because they should know they're all equal.

My Mum and Dad were far from perfect but I feel real sympathy for children that have to deal with this. As if life wasnt difficult enough. Parents split up. New baby on the way. Overcrowded house. And now being given the worst room. Absolutely not on.

By no stretch of the imagination will the house be overcrowded even when the new baby is born. Millions of children have a box bedroom. There are loads of children have to deal with things that deserve your sympathy: having a small bedroom to yourself really isn't one of them.

Our 11 year old would quite happily have their bed and their game console/laptop in their room and nothing else.

Our younger child on the other hand has toys, board games, Lego, building blocks ect...

I don't understand why on earth it's better a 6 year old goes in a small room when they are much more likely to have larger toys and actually want to play in their room.

And as for the shock at a child not having a desk... Goodness me what planet do people live on.

If were playing Step Family Bedroom Bingo, has anyone suggested OP and DP get a sofa bed and sleep in the living room so all the kids can have their own double room and double bed and desk?

Nah. Kid is there 50/50. They don’t get a big room. They have less stuff. They also have two bedrooms, one in each house. There’s too much pussy footing around kids. Your house, you pay the mortgage or whatever and kids need to just fit in

My twins share a box room and eldest has the big room. Obviously because we love him more 🙄

@Viviennemary

My Mum and Dad were far from perfect but I feel real sympathy for children that have to deal with this. As if life wasnt difficult enough. Parents split up. New baby on the way. Overcrowded house. And now being given the worst room. Absolutely not on.

It's not overcrowded. And it's not the worst room. It's the one for the person who will not be sharing with a baby that will then be a really annoying toddler.

Also I don't think it's right to feel sorry for someone because someone is getting a new sibling. A lot of people make a big deal of telling one child family's they MUST have a sibling.

@SleepingStandingUp

If were playing Step Family Bedroom Bingo, has anyone suggested OP and DP get a sofa bed and sleep in the living room so all the kids can have their own double room and double bed and desk?

One PP said she and DH slept in the dining room for 3 years so all their DC could have their own space.

What sort of roof do you have? Could you knock through vertically to make the box room taller?

Like this

www.allmomdoes.com/2017/12/10/the-perfect-solution-for-small-bedrooms-built-in-attic-space-loft/

I know someone who did similar but unlike that one the bed wasn’t over the ceiling of the adjacent room. It was literally the same footprint but taller and had a very high loft bed that an adult could stand up underneath. They put in a vellux which I don’t like in bedrooms but it did look nice.

Why is this strange? You are also making this judgement, and giving the one kid that isn't biologically yours the small room. She is seeing you make this judgement, and feels shit about it.

And her DH is choosing to put his non bio kid in a bigger room 🤷‍♀️ It will have to swing one of those two ways. The choice is motivated by who is actually there all of the time as that is the only thing separating the two kids. How do YOU think it should be decided? What do you think would be fairer?