Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

I’d have the two girls sharing, the boy in his own room and the baby in the box room.

Surely you can't really believe that every child has room for a desk in their bedroom?? Or has one even if they do have room?

Did I say that? Just interested to know what posters did instead. Some may the kitchen table, some may get as much work done as possible in school, some may use their local library...

I don't find working on a bed comfortable at all.

I agree with you that she should have the smallest room.

Most people posting won’t have a stepchild but will have soooo many views about what they would do, if they were one. In reality - it’s not so easy.

Someone has to have the small room, and the room that your SD has will be empty half of the time.

The little ones will share and your DS is there all the time.

The likelihood is that she has her own room at her mums - doesn’t need two rooms. Does your DS have 2 rooms.

It’s not about sidelining etc, it is about practicality. And it doesn’t make sense to give it to a different child for fear of appearing like you don’t love the stepchild.

You show you love her in different ways.

My 11 year old has the smallest room and doesn’t think that it’s because I love her less, someone had to have it and it made more sense for it to be her 🙄

@MattyGroves

Guessing she doesn't want to share though? She probably wants the 6 year old in the small room and herself in the big room.

But where will the baby go then?

Well exactly! But she's not thinking about that is she, she's 11 and is only thinking of herself.

Which is why OP and her dad need to step in and make the most sensible decision which is likely to cause less ruckus in the long-term - that to me is either SD shares a bigger room with DD from the start, or she takes the box room straight away.

@Dinosauraddict

As a teenager I got the smallest room at my DDads. My much younger stepbrother (who was theoretically there 100% of the time, but did also go to his own dad's so not the best argument) automatically got the bigger room. As a teenager that made me feel rubbish and really unwelcome. Just something to think about for your poor SD.

Presumably as an adult you can look back and see the logic in their decision? And yet you're trying to sway the OP from using logic to allocate the rooms. Imo teenagers will find something to feel rubbish and unloved about

If we go down the "must compensate all the time for having separated parents" route then OPs son, who doesn't get to see his father or at least certainly not as much as DSD does, should get the bigger room, then DSD should get the boxroom because it's still better than sharing and is her own space and lastly DD6 shares with a baby in the other room.

Still unsure why poster's are insisting on arguing that it's not fine for DSD but is for the son.

*Fgs. Usually on these threads that’s usually the case.

So we can settle this..

OP, is dsd’s main home with you or her mum?*

That would be her mum’s in terms of what’s wrote down as her address but she’s always spent just as much time here as she has there.

She’s just as much part of our family as everyone else is, it’s strange people are judging the entire dynamic of our family on one decision we have to make

@Sunshineandflipflops

Where do they keep their tablets/laptops? When they're revising for GCSEs at the kitchen table all day every day during the holidays - how does that work with meals & family noise?

@Definitelynotem

I agree with PP, if it was only weekend then fair enough but 50/50 is a lot of time in a small room, especially when she’s becoming a teenager and needs space for herself and to study

50% of the time in a small room is too much, but 100% of the time is not?

Logical

Am I missing something? So there's only one smaller bedroom? Why is everyone trying so hard to find a way to say somebody else should go in there? Of course it makes most sense for DSD to go in there. Why would it make more sense for one of the other kids to?

If the answer is "age" - 6 year olds have much bigger stuff than teenagers.

She is the oldest child so should have the option of the biggest room. How unwise to move to a smaller house with yet another baby on the way.

Also for what it’s worth…… I’m a stepmum AND I’m a stepchild. I also had the smallest bedroom. I didn’t have a desk - did homework either on my bed or at the dining table. I survived. I didn’t need therapy and I’m just fine.

@Viviennemary

She is the oldest child so should have the option of the biggest room. How unwise to move to a smaller house with yet another baby on the way.

Why, is this a law?

@Teenyton

"MolyHolyGuacamole

W----e I have a step daughter.

YABU for buying a house with smaller bedrooms when your children are growing.

Youngest gets the smallest room."

"So she should have just not bought a house at all then if that’s all they could afford?"

They WERE in a bigger house and DECIDED to go in a smaller one.

They bought the smaller house - presumably the bigger one was rented?

@Squeakysqueal

*Fgs. Usually on these threads that’s usually the case.

So we can settle this..

OP, is dsd’s main home with you or her mum?*

That would be her mum’s in terms of what’s wrote down as her address but she’s always spent just as much time here as she has there.

She’s just as much part of our family as everyone else is, it’s strange people are judging the entire dynamic of our family on one decision we have to make

They will OP because if you don't automatically give your step children the best of everything over everyone else then you're a horrid human being.

@Viviennemary

She is the oldest child so should have the option of the biggest room. How unwise to move to a smaller house with yet another baby on the way.

Why? My oldest has the smallest room. Teens don't need space to play on the floor like little kids do.

@CallItLoneliness

Ironically, the son not seeing his Dad means that disengagement has already happened...we don't know why that is or who is responsible for it, but there isn't a relationship that will be broken down if he goes in the smaller room. He has a single home where he is (presumably) loved. DSD may decide she prefers the same.

Jeez what a strange attitude.

So because this 11 year old boy has already been abandoned by his father, he may as well have the smallest room in the only home he has as well because all this pain has already happened? While a child that lives there 50% gets prioritised over him?

I personally think the decision needs to be made by the parents taking all this emotion out of it, but if we're looking at it from SD's POV then we also need to consider DS's.

Here is a boy looking at a girl the same age who gets a bedroom in both her homes, and in his FT home he gets pushed into the box room to free up a bigger room for her, even though she's only there 50% of the time. Surely this is the person with the biggest capacity for most resentment, not SD?!?!

It's not about how much she uses it though is it, it's about having a welcoming space.

It doesn't matter what her room is like at her mum's if she's there 50/50. All that says to her is that her 'real' home is elsewhere and that when she's at her dad's she's not really 'at home'. Given how difficult it must be for her already that's a harsh message to hear.

please dont give her the smallest bedroom, she will feel like noone cares about her... And it does look like it, sorry to say op.
50/50 is a lot of time.

At 11 she will need more space than the baby or the 6 year old. Why didnt you think about the issues this may create when you were actually buying the house.

You haven't quite got it. It isn't a choice between the 6 year old and SDD having the box room. Whichever girl has the larger bedroom will have to share. The choice is between the 11 year old girl having the box room or the 11 year old boy, who lives there all the time, having the box room. The girl has a room in another house where she can keep a lot of her stuff so, on that basis, she should either get the box room or share with the 6 year old. In terms of buying a bigger house, houses with 4 double bedrooms are few and far between.

I had a box room throughout my teens. Would I have prefered a bigger room? Yes, of course, but that was the nature of the flat we lived in. If you take a typical 2 child family and and a typical 3 bed semi, then the kids have to either share or there is an big imbalance between the size of the bedrooms. I think the choice she gets in these circumstances is the box room or share, and I would have preferred the box room.

@HulaHulaCheese

If we go down the "must compensate all the time for having separated parents" route then OPs son, who doesn't get to see his father or at least certainly not as much as DSD does, should get the bigger room, then DSD should get the boxroom because it's still better than sharing and is her own space and lastly DD6 shares with a baby in the other room.

Still unsure why poster's are insisting on arguing that it's not fine for DSD but is for the son.

For some reason, all posts about rooms include lots of people who think girls always deserve more space because make up and shoes or something. As a teenager, I had 3 pairs of shoes and never wore makeup but mysteriously still have ovaries.

I also, as a teenager, chose a box room over an empty larger room because it was nice and cosy. With clever choices, you can fit what you need in a small room.

Where do they keep their tablets/laptops? When they're revising for GCSEs at the kitchen table all day every day during the holidays - how does that work with meals & family noise?

I kept my laptop on top of my chest of drawers. Used it sat up in bed. Got good GCSEs and A Levels, and continued to study like this at university, even with having a desk there.

@Squeakysqueal

*Fgs. Usually on these threads that’s usually the case.

So we can settle this..

OP, is dsd’s main home with you or her mum?*

That would be her mum’s in terms of what’s wrote down as her address but she’s always spent just as much time here as she has there.

She’s just as much part of our family as everyone else is, it’s strange people are judging the entire dynamic of our family on one decision we have to make

Thank you OP, that was my point.

And I’m glad you’ve come to a solution.

@Uramaki

You shouldn’t penalise existing children for your decisions

All the children exist. What a disgusting thing to say.

The move...

And people do try and plan how things will work for their family. A baby on the way,? How can we make that work for everyone

She’s just as much part of our family as everyone else is, it’s strange people are judging the entire dynamic of our family on one decision we have to make

Why is this strange? You are also making this judgement, and giving the one kid that isn't biologically yours the small room. She is seeing you make this judgement, and feels shit about it.

They WERE in a bigger house and DECIDED to go in a smaller one.

Yeah but it's insane to think there wasn't a reason for this.

Either they were renting and have now bought, or they've moved to a better area which benefits all the kids, or they've moved closer to SD to be easier, or finances dictated they had to downsize.......whatever.

They won't have just chosen to move to a smaller house to mess with their kids' bedrooms.