Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

please dont give her the smallest bedroom, she will feel like noone cares about her... And it does look like it, sorry to say op.
50/50 is a lot of time. At 11 she will need more space than the baby or the 6 year old. Why didnt you think about the issues this may create when you were actually buying the house.

Why not show her pictures of pretty loft beds with desks underneath?

Then give her the chance to choose whether she would like to have this and have to room alone, or have the big room but need to share later?

I'd also like to point out a box room is not the size of a box. And it is actually a small bedroom.

@Squeakysqueal

Yes DS is here full time. No one particularly wants the small room but DD isn’t as fussed about it so I think maybe the best option is to have her in there for now. Then they can switch when the baby moves out of our room. I don’t believe I’m not providing them with a big enough home, a 4 bed means they’ll be 3 bedrooms between 4 children, that’s not exactly over crowded. I did feel a bit mean when she got upset about it but this thread has at least showed me I’m not as terrible as some posters seem to think I am. I shared a room growing up till I moved out, never had space for a desk, I would have taken a box room happily. I can see how it looks for her at the moment, that the other two get bigger rooms and she gets the little one. She’ll probably be happier to take the box room when the options are have it or share. So yes I think we’ll just do a switch of rooms when the time comes

OP, what are the measurements and height of the room? Ikea do a very girly double loft bed designed for adults but it is quite high: www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/stora-loft-bed-frame-white-stain-70242086/ It is called STORÅ

please dont give her the smallest bedroom, she will feel like noone cares about her... And it does look like it, sorry to say op.

I had the smallest bedroom and didnt feel like this.

Children up and down the country are in small bedrooms. It is insulting to say it means their parents don't care.

don’t think that’s fair on DSD. She’s being penalised for her parents no longer being together, something which isn’t her fault and which probably has already caused her a lot of trauma. Don’t make her feel like a second class citizen. Include her in your family properly and give her a bigger room.

Hyperbole galore.

I would put your youngest DD in the smallest room as she isn't fussed. DSD and DS in the other rooms.

The baby will stay in your room for a bit and then when the baby's a little bit older, she can either go in DSD's room. That's not ideal but if your DSD doesn't mind, I would go with that. If DSD does mind, I would move DSD into the smallest room and DD in with the baby.

Don't overthink the 50/50 thing. 50% of the time is still a large chunk of time spent at yours.

@MattyGroves

I think in the longer term, SD will be much happier with the box room to herself than sharing a larger room with either the baby or the six year old.

It needs to be handled sensitively of course but I don't think she understands what sharing with a baby/toddler would be like at all.

Guessing she doesn't want to share though? She probably wants the 6 year old in the small room and herself in the big room.

I agree that her choices need to be: have the boxroom to yourself or share with DD6 though.

Rooms based on need, not age.

I had the box room as a teen, because my DBs - blended family - shared. My best friend had the box room because her DSis has complex needs and needed more space for everything she needed. Both of us are eldest, but didn't feel "entitled" to the biggest room by virtue of that. Indeed, the middle room my brothers shared wasn't much bigger than the box room in some houses.

I didn't have a double bed until my second year of university. A lot of people I know continued to have singles through choice until long after they graduated. So a bit at an 11 year old inherently preferring a double.

In this situation, DSD may realise she's ultimately happier with the box room, as it will be her own space. If a highsleeper would make the room feel too small, maybe consider a cabin bed with good drawers for storage. This would mean a small desk could fit without need for a wardrobe/drawers separately. If she wants to hang clothes, a wardrobe on the landing/in a sibling room, or a small hanging rail (less footprint than a wardrobe) if space allows.

The main thing is to reassure her that it's not because she means less - explain that the younger girls will be sharing because they both will still want all the little kid junk. They may want decor that she feels too old for - princesses, CBeebies, etc, while her own room can be exactly how she wants it.

Harder to explain why DS gets the big room and not her without some feelings of upset, but if it's his room she has a wardrobe in, for instance, she might feel less put out, as he's also compromising.

Four bedrooms for two adults and four children is plenty of space. There's just ways that not everybody will have exactly what they want - but they will all have what they NEED.

Guessing she doesn't want to share though? She probably wants the 6 year old in the small room and herself in the big room.

But where will the baby go then?

@LakieLady

Oh, and we have a kitchen table to do homework at. I WFH without an office space and use the table so I don't see why a 13 year old can't

I think that's a bit tough. I don't think I could have concentrated enough to do my homework effectively in the kitchen, with people coming in and out, making drinks etc, and cooking going on. Especially as kids get so much homework these days.

No, it's just life. I am a single parent and provide a 3 bedroom detached home for my children, on a nice estate, in catchment for the best school in the county. They are both in top sets for everything.

Not a brag, far from it but just to point out that not having your own desk in your own, big bedroom doesn't always equal failing your kids. Their life is far from tough thanks.

I also like to supervise my youngest from a distance when he does his homework as he is terrible for doing everything but his homework so being downstairs enables me to keep an eye on him and be available for questions.

@Teenyton

please dont give her the smallest bedroom, she will feel like noone cares about her... And it does look like it, sorry to say op. 50/50 is a lot of time. At 11 she will need more space than the baby or the 6 year old. Why didnt you think about the issues this may create when you were actually buying the house.

A lot of people can’t even afford to buy their own house and OP has stated they were lucky enough to get a 4 bed. Check your privilege.

@CarnationCat

I would put your youngest DD in the smallest room as she isn't fussed. DSD and DS in the other rooms.

The baby will stay in your room for a bit and then when the baby's a little bit older, she can either go in DSD's room. That's not ideal but if your DSD doesn't mind, I would go with that. If DSD does mind, I would move DSD into the smallest room and DD in with the baby.

Don't overthink the 50/50 thing. 50% of the time is still a large chunk of time spent at yours.

Noooo this is mad.

DD6 is going to have a ton of crap to fit into her bedroom. She is 6 and is in the house full-time. Think of all the teddies, toys and rubbish 6 year olds have. All that will happen is that DD's stuff will end up overflowing into SD's room since there's loads more space, and SD probably won't like that either!

SD and DD should be sharing from the start if SD doesn't want the small room. It makes no sense for the big room to be empty half the time.

Check your privilege

🤣🤣🤣

I have 5 bedrooms 2 being smaller and on the 3rd floor so the 2 older girls DD14 DSD13 got the much smaller rooms and our younger 2 DD9 & DSS10 have much bigger rooms and DSS is only with us EOW.
The younger ones are in need of much more storage and I didn't feel comfortable putting my youngest DD on the 3rd floor on her own most of the time.
Initially the older girls didn't like it until I sold it to them as them having their own floor and a bit of independence away from me and my DP.
look at it as if you have all children full time and consider her as you would your own make the decision and tell the children it's final.

We I have a step daughter.

YABU for buying a house with smaller bedrooms when your children are growing.

Youngest gets the smallest room.

"I had the smallest bedroom and didnt feel like this.

Children up and down the country are in small bedrooms. It is insulting to say it means their parents don't care."

but this is relative to other DC in the family who are the "better" kids living with their family full time and intact. This girl has no fulltime home, she's split between. And her other 11 year old counterpart is getting a bigger room. I can completely see why she'd be upset. One would need to be more sensitive in this situation.

Ironically, the son not seeing his Dad means that disengagement has already happened...we don't know why that is or who is responsible for it, but there isn't a relationship that will be broken down if he goes in the smaller room. He has a single home where he is (presumably) loved. DSD may decide she prefers the same.

OP - your first post states ‘we have step DD……..’
This is your DH’s/DP’s DD!
She is your step DD - there should be no ‘we’

I understand your point of view, but frankly I don’t understand why people go on to increase their family when they clearly can’t provide the necessary accommodation.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

We I have a step daughter.

YABU for buying a house with smaller bedrooms when your children are growing.

Youngest gets the smallest room.

So she should have just not bought a house at all then if that’s all they could afford?

@MattyGroves

Guessing she doesn't want to share though? She probably wants the 6 year old in the small room and herself in the big room.

But where will the baby go then?

This os MN and step mothers so presumably op should keep youngest child in with her until DSD has fully moved out as it's her own fault for having another baby without having a 5 bed house because step children should be treated equally except when equal means something they might not like.

Id let them all look round and pick their own room and see if that makes an agreement. Someone might actually like the small one. If no one does then the girls share and the spare os decorated as a nursery.

"CarnationCat

I would put your youngest DD in the smallest room as she isn't fussed. DSD and DS in the other rooms.

The baby will stay in your room for a bit and then when the baby's a little bit older, she can either go in DSD's room. That's not ideal but if your DSD doesn't mind, I would go with that. If DSD does mind, I would move DSD into the smallest room and DD in with the baby.

Don't overthink the 50/50 thing. 50% of the time is still a large chunk of time spent at yours."

this...the surplus of the 6 year old can go in a cupboard in the DSD's room, so the "ton of crap of the 6 year old" situation is resolved.

Yabu

This is incredibly important to get right- give her the bigger room

"MolyHolyGuacamole

W----e I have a step daughter.

YABU for buying a house with smaller bedrooms when your children are growing.

Youngest gets the smallest room."

"So she should have just not bought a house at all then if that’s all they could afford?"

They WERE in a bigger house and DECIDED to go in a smaller one.

I don’t understand why people go on to increase their family when they clearly can’t provide the necessary accommodation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with children sharing a room.