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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you 100% believe your partner has never cheated?

535 replies

zaraaraz · 15/07/2021 22:57

I think cheating is very common. I was with someone I loved, would have done anything for and he left me and was declaring his love for someone else the next day. Obviously he was seeing her behind my back. My boyfriend before him was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated.

My sister met her husband when they were both with other people. My fathers first wife cheated on him.

I’ve seen a particular colleague cheat twice on his girlfriend.

It’s just very common in my opinion. I’m currently single but whosever I date next then I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out if they were a cheater.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 15/07/2021 23:31

I haven't voted as am not sure which is which in terms of AYBU, but I'm 100% sure my dh has never cheated.
I'm also 100% sure the overwhelming majority of people I know haven't cheated either. It just isn't in the psyche of people with integrity and honesty.
Obviously I don't know the intimate ins and outs of everyone I know, and yes, I do know of one dear friend who is now married to someone she had an affair with for almost two years whilst they were both married to other people, but aside from them, I am only aware of two (separate) people who had a one night stand with someone whilst they were married. I suggest you have been unlucky, and, across the population cheating isn't a rife as you think.

YesILikeItToo · 15/07/2021 23:33

Very much like WillowGrand, I’m certain DH didn’t cheat until he did. It was fairly obvious.

Wallywobbles · 15/07/2021 23:33

I thought the only bit if my first marriage that wasn't rotten was his fidelity. I was wrong.

Fairly confident that my current DH hasn't so far.

Original poster
zaraaraz · 15/07/2021 23:34

@notangelinajolie

100% know he hasn't. If he did I'd notice - there is never a time when we are not together. We are one of mumsnet's much maligned married couples who are permanently joined at the hip.
Well that’s healthy.
OP posts:
jinglebal · 15/07/2021 23:36

Don't get me wrong I think cheating is horrible however humans are fallible. My cousin is a A&E doctor and according to her it's very common in the workplace. Stress is probably a big driver.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2021 23:36

@zaraaraz

well that’s healthy

Innit. Not allowed out of sight… that’s a strategy… oh wait…

Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2021 23:38

I’ve been with people I’d not be certain about but 100% my DH hasn’t.

It’s just not who he is. I’d be more likely to.

jinglebal · 15/07/2021 23:38

@YesILikeItToo can I ask how you realised? One thing I'm sure of is that I would know pretty quickly if it was going on but you see lots of posters saying that had no clue.

TomPinch · 15/07/2021 23:38

I've never cheated. 99% sure DW never has either.

I've had a couple of strong crushes though and I'm pretty sure she's had at least one too.

Ollie0123 · 15/07/2021 23:38

I haven’t ever cheated. I trust my husband 100% and really don’t think he would, I don’t know where he would even get the time but I suspect a lot of people in relationships feel that way until it happens.

My sisters husband went on a stag do before Covid lockdown.13 men. Only 2 of them single. 6 of them cheated, whether it was sex or a kiss. 4 were married and 2 had girlfriends.
Shocked me massively, one of them men just doesn’t seem like the type at all, and yet apparently he does it every chance he gets.

uktrippin · 15/07/2021 23:38

Everyone is always so shocked when it happens.

"He was the last person I thought would do that"
"But he's such a family man"

Then the classic blame her for "offering it on a plate", excuse him by insisting that the "midlife crisis" is a thing....

Fact is, it's common. In some workplaces it is ridiculously common. The forces and high pressure services jobs, it's rife. Quite often it'll just happen once or twice on a night out or on training. Others will have full blown affairs. But the vast majority I've known in those jobs after working in them for decades cheat at some point or another. Their spouses are oblivious and nobody ever tells.

riotlady · 15/07/2021 23:39

Yeah I’m sure. Aside from anything else, not sure when he would ever get the opportunity!

jinglebal · 15/07/2021 23:40

@TomPinch would you have if the crushes reciprocated? I'm mean if Tom Hardy wanted to proposition me I would find it hard to say no 😆

uktrippin · 15/07/2021 23:40

"not sure when he would ever get the opportunity!"

This always gets wheeled out too Grin

If he goes to work he has the opportunity

bert3400 · 15/07/2021 23:42

I agree, for men they could potentially always cheat . My DH and I are closer than any other couple I know. We run a business together, we live together and we are best friends. We have been solid and I mean rock solid for 23 years. But 7 years ago he started acting weird, now when your with someone 24/7 you pick that up pretty quickly... anyway he was messaging women on KIK . I knew within a few days cause something was off ....but he denied it, I believed him ...cause we were rock solid, still having sex all the time, still laughing....normal lovely life . But no he couldn't help looking for validation from unknown women. Anyway he was busted pretty damn quick, I threatened to leave him and take the kids and effectively it would ruin our beautiful perfect lives if he ever became slightly secretive again ....and so far he hasn't done it again but that feeling will never leave me . I still love him with all my heart but if he ever pulls that shit again, there won't be a second chance.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2021 23:42

There’s always an opportunity if you really want to cheat. And there’s the internet.

I also find the oft-quoted response that “I know he wouldn’t cheat because he’s too lazy” reassuring. Not.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/07/2021 23:44

I have once cheated on an ex, would never want to do that again. I couldn’t handle the guilt and then made both of their lives horrible for a while. It’s not worth the hurt. I don’t think everyone cheats, but I think there are some for whom it is a way of life/habit.

welliesarefuntowear · 15/07/2021 23:45

As a previous poster said. I was 100% sure it would never happen. Been together 25 years. But it did happen. With someone I never expected him to choose. People are blindsided all the time.

uktrippin · 15/07/2021 23:46

You can't be rock solid if he's messaging women for sex. You're kidding yourself @bert3400

He's a cheat.

FuckUcuntychops · 15/07/2021 23:47

No I’m not 100% sure. You can never truly know someone no matter how close you are to them.

PurpleOkapi · 15/07/2021 23:48

Yes, it's very common, and several of my previous boyfriends did. That's why I never married any of them. I'm certain DH never has, if only because I can't imagine when he'd have done it. He goes to work and comes home at the hours he's supposed to, and then we're together (or at least both in the house) pretty much 100% of the time otherwise.

Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2021 23:50

”not sure when he would ever get the opportunity”

I know someone who used to start work at 7 because he commuted from Kent to London. When he started shagging the Office Manager he kept the same routine at home, just got to her place at 6.30, shagged and then they got to the office together about 8.00.

His wife would definitely have said he’d never have the opportunity.

VaggieMight · 15/07/2021 23:51

Not cheating out of lack of opportunity isn't the same as not cheating. It's possibly more pathetic though if the person is willing to cheat.

flowerpootle · 15/07/2021 23:51

I wouldn't like to say exactly how I know. But I do know he has never cheated.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/07/2021 23:53

Absolutely sure.
When we were younger (been together 35 years) we were in each other’s pockets and very physically so.
In more recent years, love him, even if the intention were there (which I honestly don’t think it ever was/would be) I’m afraid he just couldn’t follow through even with the help of a little blue pill Grin