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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you 100% believe your partner has never cheated?

535 replies

zaraaraz · 15/07/2021 22:57

I think cheating is very common. I was with someone I loved, would have done anything for and he left me and was declaring his love for someone else the next day. Obviously he was seeing her behind my back. My boyfriend before him was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated.

My sister met her husband when they were both with other people. My fathers first wife cheated on him.

I’ve seen a particular colleague cheat twice on his girlfriend.

It’s just very common in my opinion. I’m currently single but whosever I date next then I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out if they were a cheater.

OP posts:
OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 16:11

That’s what everyone thinks gwenneh you maybe be quite sure for yourself but you can’t be 100% sure for others

And I say quite sure as there are other times they maybe tested and you may find that you do not make the choice you always felt you would

Kitten189 · 19/07/2021 16:12

Exactly, bitter would be cheats on here saying oooh never say never he might cheat. Or saying that they are “more inclined to cheat” themselves. Stay classy.

Kitten189 · 19/07/2021 16:13

If you cheat then you’re tramps who deserve everything you get. You’re not as hot as you think you are, the affair partner just sees you as an easy shag

WeHaveComeSoFar · 19/07/2021 16:15

@uktrippin

"So bitter girl"

Such a short sentence yet utterly misogynistic. Hmm

Do enlighten me Wink
OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 16:27

Oh really Kitten189

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/07/2021 16:31

Well. That went down the shitter toute suite, didn't it? Shock

knittingaddict · 19/07/2021 16:39

@gillysSong

That's exactly what I said. People used to say divorce was too easy. It was the wrong way round, marriage is too easy. Divorce was never too easy. We've been married almost 30 years, together for 34.
I see that, but how on earth do you make marriage harder? Take a test?

In any case cheating happens in relationships other than married ones, so marriage is slightly irrelevant. With people living together and having children without being married I think marriage itself is a red herring on here.

I do think relationships and domestic abuse should be talked in school.

knittingaddict · 19/07/2021 16:39

talked about

gwenneh · 19/07/2021 16:58

@OhWhyNot

That’s what everyone thinks gwenneh you maybe be quite sure for yourself but you can’t be 100% sure for others

And I say quite sure as there are other times they maybe tested and you may find that you do not make the choice you always felt you would

If your morals are so weak that they can be overridden by being "tested" then they're not very solid morals, are they? Just because your morals are flexible doesn't mean mine are.

I know exactly how I react when being "tested." There is not a single test you could possibly throw at me that would make me cheat on my DH. It is 100% for me; even if I were desperate to go with someone else, it's fairly straightforward to end one relationship before beginning the next.

lynsey91 · 19/07/2021 17:01

@Greenrubber

Why does it matter to anyone else if you don't think your partner will cheat?

Why is it when people say they are 100%sure their partners won't cheat that people are telling them they are stupid or naive

The thread asks if you 100% believe your partner won't cheat

I think it's great so many people are confident and believe in their relationship

Of course nothing is impossible I mean I don't think I will win the lottery but I still play it because well you never know

But would my husband cheat on me nah he wouldn't and I have total confidence in our marriage and I pity anyone who thinks their partner would cheat because I would not see the point in being in that relationship

I'm not naive I'm just not worried

I could not agree more.

If posters think I am stupid, naive or whatever then that is on them. It doesn't lessen my faith in DH in the slightest.

I also could not be in a marriage or relationship where I thought my partner would cheat. It amazes me and saddens me that so many posters say they cannot be sure that they themselves would not cheat! How can you not know whether you would cheat or not?

Think that is a lot of the problem, that so many people don't think it is an awful thing to do and almost accept it as part of life

RaginaPhalange · 19/07/2021 17:05

I trust my dp 100% but you never know.
I wouldn't even think of cheating on my dp, regardless of circumstances.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/07/2021 17:06

@VaggieMight

Do you mean ever?

I believe my DH has never cheated on me, or anyone previous (of serious relationships). Some people cheat and others don't.

It's certainly common but I've never cheated, not even close, even when I was much younger in non-long-term relationships.

Why cheat? Just leave first.

Depends upon whether you can actually leave first, rather than be terrorised into paralysis, really.

Women's Aid isn't always there, the council pays lipservice to protection but then says 'no, we won't move you, you'll have to kick him out first, then report it to the police when he beats you into a pulp and then we'll tell you to just not let him in, but we might install a panic button sometime and if he is convicted of it eighteen months later, ah, maybe we'll suggest that you apply to another area to go onto their waiting list. Have you tried a refuge?'

Same with coercive control. It may very well be illegal now, but try telling the police you want somebody to leave and they'll say 'oh, kick him out and call us if he tries to get back in, he's not actually hurt you, has he?'.

Sometimes, people need the escape route to be shown to them by somebody else - it's not always a good direction in the end, but it is an escape route nonetheless.

OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 17:06

There are other ways your morals can be tested ....

Cheating on a partner is just one of them. We can all be fallible we can all find ourselves in a situation that we make a decision we never believed we would. It’s being human we are all fallible

gwenneh · 19/07/2021 17:07

@OhWhyNot

There are other ways your morals can be tested ....

Cheating on a partner is just one of them. We can all be fallible we can all find ourselves in a situation that we make a decision we never believed we would. It’s being human we are all fallible

The one we are talking about is cheating. Very specifically. Not other ways.

Cheating is easy to avoid, and you absolutely can be 100% certain there are people who will do the right thing when tempted, every time.

DiscordandRhyme · 19/07/2021 17:10

I'd say nearly 100%.

I'm basing that on knowing him before we were a couple and he's never been much interested in women.

I was surprised he asked me out at all to be honest. Though now we've been together years and years naturally he's very affectionate and comfortable with me.

Most my male friends of which I have a fair few have if not cheated, been prolific flirters.

So not everyone but I do think it's pretty common and everyone has to set their own bar on what they will accept.

OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 17:24

That’s fine if you feel you are not infallible I disagree I believe everyone can be

There are so many ways life can change

lynsey91 · 19/07/2021 17:28

@OhWhyNot

There are other ways your morals can be tested ....

Cheating on a partner is just one of them. We can all be fallible we can all find ourselves in a situation that we make a decision we never believed we would. It’s being human we are all fallible

It's not a matter of being fallible though is it? As I keep saying, if you believe cheating is wrong then you don't cheat.

What situation exactly might I find myself in that I suddenly think cheating is ok? Why would I decide that disgusting behaviour is an ok way to treat my DH?

gwenneh · 19/07/2021 17:28

@OhWhyNot

That’s fine if you feel you are not infallible I disagree I believe everyone can be

There are so many ways life can change

Life can change in a heartbeat. It's still very easy not to cheat.
OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 17:46

There are many scenarios. Some would be sad some just about plain lust

But until we are in them we can only guess how we may feel

There are many things in life that we feel is wrong but in a situation we can make decisions we never thought we would regardless of our morals

thepeopleversuswork · 19/07/2021 17:47

@Greenrubber

I think to see why it matters you only have to look at the relationships board. There are so many women on there who thought they had 100% trust.

It matters because when people - well women, really - over-invest in relationships blindly they leave themselves so vulnerable.

And of course you would hope that in the majority of cases the partners won’t cheat. But that still leaves a minority of people woefully unready for something which is going to rip their world apart. Just have your eyes open is all really.

gwenneh · 19/07/2021 17:55

@OhWhyNot

There are many scenarios. Some would be sad some just about plain lust

But until we are in them we can only guess how we may feel

There are many things in life that we feel is wrong but in a situation we can make decisions we never thought we would regardless of our morals

We can only guess how we may feel. Where we don't need to guess is to know how we will behave. You keep going on about "scenarios" and "situations" but that just displays the excuses you'd make in your own head for cheating. It doesn't mean the rest of us are quite so lax.

Some of us know, completely and truly, that they would not enter into another relationship without ending the previous one. It's not difficult.

Greenrubber · 19/07/2021 18:00

@thepeopleversuswork

I do get what your saying but not everyone is the same

If the thread said something like do you 100% believe most people cheat then you would get a different answer from me

I've also previously said I have been cheated on well I think I probably have anyway

But in my relationship I'm in right now I am very confident and I trust him 100% I am not naive I am a 40 year old woman who has seen plenty of relationships fail and some thrive

I don't need my eyes opened I'm fully aware of what goes on in my relationship to know why I am confident
If he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me and we would end the relationship so I'm not saying he would never leave me but cheat he would not

Also other posters have said you can only trust yourself 100% not true I trust my sister and my husband with my life because I know them very well

Yet I'm being told I'm naive or stupid

Strokethefurrywall · 19/07/2021 18:04

I don’t believe 100% that my husband would cheat, anymore than I believe that I wouldn’t cheat.
We’re human, with human flaws. I’d like to believe he wouldn’t and hasn’t cheated, but anything can happen at any time, to either of us.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never cheated in any of my relationships, but that doesn’t mean I’m immune, and neither is he.

We’ve been married 11 years, are fully committed to each other and our family, but I’d be naive to believe that heads can turn on a dime.

But in marriages where one or both people “check out”, there is always scope for another to creep in.

OhWhyNot · 19/07/2021 18:24

I believe everyone is able to act on a way they never ever thought they would regardless of their morals. It’s being human

So no I don’t believe anyone is beyond cheating on their partner as I keep saying their are so many reason why people do

thepeopleversuswork · 19/07/2021 18:26

Yet I'm being told I'm naive or stupid

I haven't told anyone they are stupid. But I probably did say naive: I do think its naive to think you can ever trust anyone 100% and I stand by that. It's not really about intelligence: people can be highly intelligent and also gullible and blind-sided because they see what they want to see.

I've said it before: I don't think there's anything wrong with trust at all - in fact if you don't trust someone there's really no point in being in a relationship.

But its quite a big jump from "I trust you" to "I can absolutely empirically guarantee that you will never ever cheat with anyone so long as you live and I'm prepared to build my life around that". It's just not a smart way to live.