To ask if you 100% believe your partner has never cheated?

[zaraaraz]

I think cheating is very common. I was with someone I loved, would have done anything for and he left me and was declaring his love for someone else the next day. Obviously he was seeing her behind my back. My boyfriend before him was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated.

My sister met her husband when they were both with other people. My fathers first wife cheated on him.

I’ve seen a particular colleague cheat twice on his girlfriend.

It’s just very common in my opinion. I’m currently single but whosever I date next then I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out if they were a cheater.

I'm 100% sure mine has not, not only because it go against his nature, but he doesn't have much in the way of social life outside family, and works in a very male-dominated industry without really taking part in related social activity. His hobby is rather solitary, which could open up opportunities, but the environment doesn't lend itself to much in the way of extra-maritals. Nothing appealing anyway. Fact is, I usually know where he is, and could turn up there without notice any time.
On the other hand, I'll put my hands up and say I'm not a jealous person, so it's entirely possible I could miss signs of infidelity in the future.

Yep 100%

100%. But I also know married men who absolutely would cheat.

Wasn't there a similar thread recently?

I don't think one can ever be 100% certain IMO... it's not like you even need to leave the house these days with people getting their kicks online.

Don’t see the point of this thread as everybody who says they 100% know their partner wouldn’t cheat is shot down with, well never say never, they might do, you don’t know etc.

Point of threads are an exchange of views. Not an echo chamber confirming your POV
I don’t see anyone being shot down

No, they are not allowing them to have that viewpoint, calling them naive and deluded for trusting their partner and insisting that they can never trust them fully.

Well in that case I’d expect if the posters feel attacked or shot down they robustly challenge and defend their own POV. That’s the point. And it’s legitimate to hold opposing view, just as it’s equally legitimate to defend yourself
Energy mn thread is essentially composed of opposing views slugging it outs that is the actual joy of mn. People are more candid online because its anonymous, whereas if they know you in real life they’re likely to be more measured

@Kitten189

No, they are not allowing them to have that viewpoint, calling them naive and deluded for trusting their partner and insisting that they can never trust them fully.

No one is stopping anyone posting anything, as far as I can see. There are pages and pages of women insisting that they have 100% confidence their husbands/partners have never and will never cheat. No one is denying them the right to their hopes and beliefs, just as no one denies people the right to a belief in the immaculate conception or heaven. But in a rational democracy with freedom of speech you get to point out when you think people are probably not right.

I have seen literally hundreds of women insisting that there is no way on earth their husband will cheat and I know that cannot possibly be true in every single one of these cases. I'm not saying people are wrong to trust. But I do think insisting that there is no conceivable way your OH will ever cheat on you is a bit delusional and faintly unhealthy. I don't think that makes me particularly doom-mongerish or cynical, just rational.

I would have bet my house and all my possessions that my ex dh wouldn't cheat. He was always at work . He was lazy. He was very decent and had amazing family values and as a child from a family obliterated by a parent who cheated he would never put his kids through that.
But yeah guess what...

It's always the ones you least expect.

@Snoozer11

It's always the ones you least expect.

Well,that’s self evident surely?no woman going to set up with a self confessed upfront shagger

@Snoozer11

It's always the ones you least expect.

I don't think its always the ones you least expect. I just think its more noteworthy when its the ones you don't expect because if someone who looks like a serial cheat cheats everyone is a bit meh.

And frankly these "never would have expected it of him" types could all be the husbands of these 100 percenters. Which is why its a bit daft to say you know he will never cheat.

@Snoozer11

It's always the ones you least expect.

Such a stupid and inane comment!

I attended a convent school and it's that's like you that also say " convent girls they're the worst"

So irritating

We don't live together but he lives with me 4/5 nights of the week, when we aren't together we are at work and he calls abs we message throughout the day m. He calls me when he finishes work and then after tea we FaceTime to watch a movie or tv together until bedtime x

Never say never.

Naive spouses are easier to cheat on.

The only person you can trust 100% is yourself. You cannot with complete certainty know this will never happen to you, what someone else is capable of.

The people saying that need to believe it because that's how they believe their relationship needs to operate. Admitting cheating is anything but impossible means to them they don't believe in their relationship or their partner. (It's kind of like saying 'I'd have never been in that car accident because I never drive like that' it makes us feel bulletproof, even though every time we get in a car we are at risk of being in an accident no matter how we drive)

A much more realistic outlook would be: 'I've chosen a good partner, we love each other and we are good people. My partner doesn't appear to be a liar, they appear to have my best interests at heart. However, life tests us, circumstances often change, sometimes feelings change over time, humans are not designed to be monogamous. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and sometimes feeling weak. I will look after my relationship, I will not take fidelity for granted, I will not put my head in the sand and will keep communication with my partner open, I will not blindly trust anyone (even myself) I will remain realistic, and never complacent but I will also not be jealous and insecure. I know what we have is strong and I will continue to reinforce that daily and make sure my partner feels loved and appreciated daily, but my partner will know I am not naive - just realistic and my eyes are always open, for this reason I appreciate and value their fidelity (and my own) even more - because I know it's not always a 'given' this doesn't mean I expect them to cheat and it doesn't mean I would ever see cheating as acceptable, I would still be disappointed and devastated if it happened to us, but I would never be so ignorant to make the statement that it 100% never could'

@cupcakecourageous

Never say never.

Naive spouses are easier to cheat on.

The only person you can trust 100% is yourself. You cannot with complete certainty know this will never happen to you, what someone else is capable of.

The people saying that need to believe it because that's how they believe their relationship needs to operate. Admitting cheating is anything but impossible means to them they don't believe in their relationship or their partner. (It's kind of like saying 'I'd have never been in that car accident because I never drive like that' it makes us feel bulletproof, even though every time we get in a car we are at risk of being in an accident no matter how we drive)

A much more realistic outlook would be: 'I've chosen a good partner, we love each other and we are good people. My partner doesn't appear to be a liar, they appear to have my best interests at heart. However, life tests us, circumstances often change, sometimes feelings change over time, humans are not designed to be monogamous. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and sometimes feeling weak. I will look after my relationship, I will not take fidelity for granted, I will not put my head in the sand and will keep communication with my partner open, I will not blindly trust anyone (even myself) I will remain realistic, and never complacent but I will also not be jealous and insecure. I know what we have is strong and I will continue to reinforce that daily and make sure my partner feels loved and appreciated daily, but my partner will know I am not naive - just realistic and my eyes are always open, for this reason I appreciate and value their fidelity (and my own) even more - because I know it's not always a 'given' this doesn't mean I expect them to cheat and it doesn't mean I would ever see cheating as acceptable, I would still be disappointed and devastated if it happened to us, but I would never be so ignorant to make the statement that it 100% never could'

Exactly. You've summed up in one post what I have struggled to do in five or six.

100% comes from a place of ignorance, insecurity and unwillingness to allows others to be open to change and development. And fundamentally it leads down a path away from communication, openness and understanding.

@cupcakecourageous

Never say never.

Naive spouses are easier to cheat on.

The only person you can trust 100% is yourself. You cannot with complete certainty know this will never happen to you, what someone else is capable of.

The people saying that need to believe it because that's how they believe their relationship needs to operate. Admitting cheating is anything but impossible means to them they don't believe in their relationship or their partner. (It's kind of like saying 'I'd have never been in that car accident because I never drive like that' it makes us feel bulletproof, even though every time we get in a car we are at risk of being in an accident no matter how we drive)

A much more realistic outlook would be: 'I've chosen a good partner, we love each other and we are good people. My partner doesn't appear to be a liar, they appear to have my best interests at heart. However, life tests us, circumstances often change, sometimes feelings change over time, humans are not designed to be monogamous. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and sometimes feeling weak. I will look after my relationship, I will not take fidelity for granted, I will not put my head in the sand and will keep communication with my partner open, I will not blindly trust anyone (even myself) I will remain realistic, and never complacent but I will also not be jealous and insecure. I know what we have is strong and I will continue to reinforce that daily and make sure my partner feels loved and appreciated daily, but my partner will know I am not naive - just realistic and my eyes are always open, for this reason I appreciate and value their fidelity (and my own) even more - because I know it's not always a 'given' this doesn't mean I expect them to cheat and it doesn't mean I would ever see cheating as acceptable, I would still be disappointed and devastated if it happened to us, but I would never be so ignorant to make the statement that it 100% never could'

I think sometimes you can know whether someone is capable of cheating or not.

Feelings can of course change but any decent person would finish a marriage/relationship before starting another one. I am not sure that humans are not designed to be monogamous as I know plenty of couples who have only been married the once and are happy 20, 30, 40, 50 years or more on.

Yes also everyone is capable of making mistakes. Cheating though is not a mistake. Never ever is it a mistake. That is just an excuse that the pathetic cheaters trot out.

Communication between myself DH is great. We talk about anything and everything including how wrong we both think infidelity is. How pathetic friends and neighbours are that can't stay faithful.

I trust myself totally 100%. I could never ever cheat. I think it is totally wrong plus I could never live with the guilt of even kissing another man. I can't lie to save my life. I can't even lie about how much something like an item of clothing cost.

DH also can never lie. I know immediately if he is telling a lie even though any lie he tell is a small one.

When you get married it should be a "given" that you are both going to be faithful. You either believe that or you don't. If you believe it you don't cheat no matter what happens, no matter what "circumstances" occur.

People that trust their partner totally are not always naive. I am not nor am I ignorant when I state I know DH has not and would not cheat.

I feel sorry for people that do not have that certainty

A much more realistic outlook would be: 'I've chosen a good partner, we love each other and we are good people. My partner doesn't appear to be a liar, they appear to have my best interests at heart. However, life tests us, circumstances often change, sometimes feelings change over time, humans are not designed to be monogamous. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and sometimes feeling weak. I will look after my relationship, I will not take fidelity for granted, I will not put my head in the sand and will keep communication with my partner open, I will not blindly trust anyone (even myself) I will remain realistic, and never complacent but I will also not be jealous and insecure. I know what we have is strong and I will continue to reinforce that daily and make sure my partner feels loved and appreciated daily, but my partner will know I am not naive - just realistic and my eyes are always open, for this reason I appreciate and value their fidelity (and my own) even more - because I know it's not always a 'given' this doesn't mean I expect them to cheat and it doesn't mean I would ever see cheating as acceptable, I would still be disappointed and devastated if it happened to us, but I would never be so ignorant to make the statement that it 100% never could'

Jeez. Sounds like some kind of cheesy manifesto. Realistic for your relationship perhaps. Dh and I are pragmatic and realistic. I don't believe he has cheated or would. I also haven't and wouldn't. I also don't believe humans are 'designed' to be monogamous or otherwise, because as an atheist I don't believe they are designed at all. I can't say we've ever felt the need to work on our relationship, consciously keep communication open or reinforce the strength of our relationship daily etc. It just comes naturally tbh.

I have seen literally hundreds of women insisting that there is no way on earth their husband will cheat and I know that cannot possibly be true in every single one of these cases.

Well of course not. But the ones who are right are right! I wonder what proportion of men would say they were 100% sure their female partners had not cheated or would not cheat... Tbh a large part of what makes me sure I wouldn't cheat is lack of motivation. I'm practically 100% certain I wouldn't bother getting et involved with another man even if I found myself single again, never mind going through the effort of cheating!

"You can never 100% know someone" is the sort of possessuve shit my ex used to say. Its no life. Id rather trust and be wrong.

@lynsey91 you wouldn't find anyone more 'upstanding' and scathing of cheats than my DH. And all of a sudden- he was one! The only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes

I think some people here are confusing an optimistic realism with stupidity and naivety... Which is frankly, insulting.

Then again. We are on MN. Which is nkt particularly known for people in bappy relationships, innit. So the echo chamber of "everyone is a chwat" kind of works here bar few vouces opposite🤷🏻 I always forget that before joining on threads🤦

Ffs. I really need to cahnge phone and keyboard 🤦

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I think some people here are confusing an optimistic realism with stupidity and naivety... Which is frankly, insulting.

Not sure what you're referring to when you talk about "optimistic realism". But 100% certainty is very very optimistic to put it charitably.

We've both been cheated on in prior relationships. At the very start we agreed that if either of us met someone else we wouldn't cheat but we would talk about it / end it. We've been together a long time now and I 100% believe he's never cheated and neither have I.