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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

OP posts:

Carmenere · 26/11/2007 10:21

I'm sorry but your sympathy is misguided. You NEED to find another CM, atm she does not have the temperment she needs to care for children in a responsible fashion. If you want to do her a favour I would actually point this out to her. She needs to get her attitude/emotions under control or she will lose all her business and possibly her Ofsted rating.
I really doubt that your other friends would let her speak to them like that either.
It is like when a poor misguided woman comes on here and bleats that her dh is beating her but that he is a great dad, you are saying that she is a really good childminder, yet we are telling you that she can't be a great CM atm.
Find a new CM please.

lucyellensmum · 26/11/2007 10:21

You MUST put your child first here, what she did was inexcusable and quite frankly if it were my child i would be removing her and making my concerns known to ofsted.

I am sorry but i think you are being incredably niave.

Original poster

lilymolly · 26/11/2007 10:28

oh there seems to be a theme coming across here.........

OP posts:

starfish2 · 26/11/2007 10:31

She could have very well phoned you about the payment and asked if there was a problem, since she had not been paid (I'm assuming it was the first time you did this, and it is not a recurring issue). That would have been a good starting point... Clearly this is not how she wanted to do things, because she is not in good frame of mind at the moment... Hmm.

If you are worried that it will be awkward for your friends and her in the future, then... well... What would you think of a cm that treated a friend of yours like she is treating you now? Assume a friend's cm terminated the contract without giving them time to look for alternative childcare. Would you want to send your child to her? I'm sure the parents of her other mindees will be at least questioning her capabilities at the moment. Is it the first time she does something like this to anyone? Talk to them and ask about is going on, if they had any difficulties with her strange behaviour recently (or at any other time!).
I think people under stress behave out of character, and they do see the light at some stage or another. But in any other job she would be at least disciplined for behaving like this.

Hope I have made some sense, and this rambling is half intelligible...

SpikeandDru · 26/11/2007 10:33

Have just read all through this post and am totally gobsmacked.

You didn't forget to pay - you made an arrangement to pay over the weekend - the CM then got her money IN CASH - so sooner than it would have taken for a cheque to clear.

She verbally abuses you and your DH

She then compounds it by ranting on when you phone to apologise (am still not sure what you are actually apologising for because as far as I can see you said you would pay and you did).

If I was in your shoes and it was my DS there is just no way on this Earth he would be left in her care EVER again. Sadly I speak as an adult survivor of one or two unstable childminders I was left in the care of as a child - don't risk it - this woman is off her trolley - God help all the other kids in her care - personally I'd be asking if she is actually safe to be around children at the moment. Believe me - being a child in the so called "care" of someone that unstable is no fun and the dreadful memories I have are still with me today.

Find another CM/nursery - any type of childcare but do your DD a favour and keep her away from this woman.

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 26/11/2007 10:40

Morning Lilymolly! - I said last night that this was not business like of her and how would you react if a nursery manager had spoken to you like this? The lines between business and friendship have become very smudged. I'm really sorry, but you have to take your friendship out of the equation and look objectively at what has happenned. IF you handle it right there is no reason why you can't continue a 'friendship' and have your daughter looked after elsewhere.

lucyellensmum · 26/11/2007 10:41

lilly, yes definately a trend establishing itself

That doesnt take away from the fact that you sound like a lovely caring person. Honestly the best thing you can do is remove DD. Give this woman some space (you say she is a friend)> Wait for this to blow over, remove the professional relationship and then phone her in a few weeks and say that you are worried about her as a friend, see how she reacts, but im sorry, i wouldnt be leaving my child with her again.

She sounds like she is in need of a shoulder to cry on, but this MUST NOT be at the potential risk to your DD

DaDaDa · 26/11/2007 10:45

I agree with all posters who say you really ought to be looking for a new CM.

Stress or not she clearly has anger management issues, and sounds in no fit state to look after your child. Can you trtust her not to lose her temper under other stresses?

It's a two way business relationship. Yes, you should have paid her. In any other business a reminder for payment would be issued. You did pay (ahead of the time a cheque would take to clear), you apologised and she has responded very unprofessionally. After time to cool down, you would expect her to move on, probably think to herself 'I went a bit OTT there' and re-establish a working relationship by accepting your apology and giving one herself. IMO, the fact that she hasn't means either she has deeper issues with your family generally and is looking for a way out of her contract, or is unstable.

DaDaDa · 26/11/2007 10:45

I agree with all posters who say you really ought to be looking for a new CM.

Stress or not she clearly has anger management issues, and sounds in no fit state to look after your child. Can you trtust her not to lose her temper under other stresses?

Original poster

lilymolly · 26/11/2007 10:49

thats what my concern is dadada, that there is some other deep rooted issues with me or my family, but I cant think of anything that I may have done or said, etc.

She wants to come along to meals out which I arrange, she has organised a trip to the theatre next week and invited me, and confides in me about issues she has at home etc.

OP posts:

Marina · 26/11/2007 10:49

I am a soft-hearted person too LilyMolly but I've got to say I too would not place my child back in her care after this latest turn of events. However good she is at her job, she is clearly not willing to talk to you rationally or listen to you. How can you possibly discuss arrangements for your dd, or her care, in this situation?
As to what the other CMs will think, don't worry. A friend recently had to withdraw her dd from her longstanding CM after the third complaint to Ofsted about her was upheld . Despite her being genuinely a good CM with a lot of experience, her temper had frayed to the point where she was snapping at parents, trying to bully them into accepting disadvantageous changes to their contracts etc, all rather sad. All the CMs locally know each other and therefore knew about the Ofsted deregistration. They were very happy to help out this woman's clientele until she got over a very difficult time in her life, and was ready to reapply.
Please seek alternative arrangements for your dd now. It could be the best thing for your CM, in the short-term, too.

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 26/11/2007 10:52

She also clearly has no qualms about leaving you and your daughter in limbo....I imagine you still don't know if she'll be looking after your DD tomorrow? This is so unprofessional.

Camillathechicken · 26/11/2007 10:53

totally agree with carmenere and daisymoo

she has compounded the situation with this rudeness.... i would gather up some self respect and find a new CM quick smart

santaoftheopera · 26/11/2007 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ernest · 26/11/2007 11:00

Sorry, but you would be doing your dd a huge disservice by taking her back to this woman. You may feel bad for the cm, you may struggle with the inconvenience of finding another cm, but she clearly has no repect for you that she an treat you, on several occasionas now, so badly. ANd she has been bad to your partner. Why are you so convinced she will be so great with your dd, especially as you know for a fact that she is also angry and raging in front of other mindees (whilst on the phone to you)?

No way would I let my child go there again, and I would definitely report these incidences, let's face it, she needs help. And you just can't use stress an an excuse. Or rather, you can, wasn't too long ago that dad battered his dd to death and his excuse was stress.

fireflyfairy2 · 26/11/2007 11:03

No, don't send your dd back to her.

I love my childminder but if she ever spoke to me the way yours has, there would be no question in my mind about finding someone else!

Try & take some time off work & sort out new childcare. I think your childminder is counting on the fact that you can't be bothered with the hassle of finding a new childminder. Prove her wrong.

I would not leave my child with her. In fact, I would let your friends know the way she has treated you.

MadamePlatypus · 26/11/2007 11:04

Somebody who has ranty conversations about her personal problems while she is working, particularly with the mother of one of her charges is not a good child minder. As others have said, a key quality of somebody working in childcare is that they are in control of their temper.

Original poster

lilymolly · 26/11/2007 11:06

but if i dont send dd I will be in breach of contract as I have to give her 4 weeks notice, wwhich will then make me look like the bad guy once again.

OP posts:

jura · 26/11/2007 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saturn74 · 26/11/2007 11:08

If you are going to find alternative childcare (and I think I would in the circumstances), then write a letter detailing what happened over the weekend, and the fact that she appears to have withdrawn her services.

fireflyfairy2 · 26/11/2007 11:11

She's more or less told you she doesn't want to look after dd. I wouldn't leave my daughter with her, she sounds unstable.

MadamePlatypus · 26/11/2007 11:11

The worst she can do is ask you for 4 weeks of pay in lieu of notice.

Buda · 26/11/2007 11:12

TBH it sounds to me like she is using this as an excuse to get rid of your DD for whatever reason.

You promised to drop the money in over the weekend. She texted you on Sunday afternoon which in most people's book is still the weekend. No prob with her texting but all she had to say was "Sorry - did you forget you promised to drop cash off?" or "Are you still planning on dropping money off - we may be out so wanted to make sure I didn't miss you".

And you are not in breach of contract as she has verbally told you and your DP she doesn't want your DD back.

I would find an alternative.

MadamePlatypus · 26/11/2007 11:13

I think if you did what HumphreyCushion suggests she would have difficulty in pushing the 4 weeks notice thing though.

deepbreath · 26/11/2007 11:13

Lilymolly, I am with the others that think that you should look for another cm, and this is why...

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. Our cm looked after my 2 dc's whilst I worked part time. To begin with, everything was great.

The cm's young dd was being difficult (read spoilt/jealous into that) and apparrently started to play up at school because her mother was looking after my dc's The cm had given me a month's notice to find someone else, because her dd's behaviour was so bad.

To cut a long story short, I had a minor car crash. Dh dropped the dc's off, and forgot to tell the cm that I was at home. The cm was still getting paid, as dc's were going to her so I could rest and get better. I had not asked her to do anything above what I needed if I was at work.

The cm's sister drove past my road, saw my hired car and told the cm that I was at home rather than at work. They came round to my house with my dc's in the car (no car seats), and the cm ASSAULTED me for "taking the p*ss". I'd got whiplash and extensive bruising from the crash, so couldn't retalliate or get her off me. They threatened to come back later. I called the police, and they only took the cm in to question her after 2 days of me being scared stiff that she was coming back

Lesson learned... stress can flip the most placid person. I certainly didn't see this one coming (I'd known her for years before this happened).

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