to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

[lilymolly]

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

only read th op but to me she sounds a bit mad.

her personal life has nothing to do with you and any problems she has paying her bills are hers to worry about not you.

if your daughter was not well and therefore not able to attend i think it perfectly reasonable to drop the weeks fee's off with next weeks, or at the most generous on monday when you drop her off.

I personally wouldn't send my child back to someone who is so rude.

@ deepbreath! That sounds like one craaaazy lady! Did you press charges?

Maybe she needs a break . sabbatical from her CM diuties, and will recover her sense of control and manners once she has had a break?

Could you put this to her? It doesn't sound as if it would be catastrophic for you to manage without a minder until after Christmas, say?

I wouldn't take it personally, tbh. She sounds at the end of her tether and beyond it...I don't think it's you.

Deepbreath - how is it "taking the piss" to expect someone who is being paid to care for your child to actually care for your child?

whether you are at work or doing shopping, its nothing to do with her.

The Crown Prosecution Service decided that it wouldn't be in anyone's interest to proceed, even though I wanted the cm to be charged with assault.

To this day, I do not understand why she did it.

I know that this is a step beyond Lilymolly's experience, but it just goes to show that some childcare workers are more than a bit strange

OK now I am beginning to think you are as mad as the CM. She should be reported to OFSTED. She's broken the contract with you by letting you down with no notice. She rants at you in front of mindees. How is having a row with one of her clients in front of mindees being a good childminder? How is letting down a client at no notice being a good childminder? It is most certainly not, it is being a bad childminder.

Some women have to send their children to be cared for by people who are disrespectful and undermining of them, they're called ex-partners and MIL's. You have a choice, you don't have to, no court has ordered you to, why on earth have you got so little self-respect that you're prepared to let your child go to be looked after by someone who has no respect for you when you haven't been ordered to by a court?

Here's a useful link, stop worrying about this dreadful woman and find another childminder. All listed CMs on here are OFSTED registered. Don't worry about what the other cm's / mothers in the area think of you, just worry about what you think of you. www.childcarelink.gov.uk/whitebox/postcodesearch.asp?Intro=1

Honestly, I understand that you are worried that other people might think you're at fault, but you know, most reasonable people know that there are 2 sides to every story and they won't hold it against you. If they do, sod 'em.

you are not in breach of contract, technically she is, as she's told you not to bring your dd back, and she has failed to give you the required 4 weeks' notice, or whatever it is.

You still seem bizarrly (sp) unwilling to do what any right minded person would, tbh, I'm amazed you have to think twice. How can you just turn up tomorrow morning with you precious, irreplacable dd after everything she's done and after all the comments you've read on here?

You asked us for advice & it's pretty unanimous, don't take dd back, she is no longer suitable, even if you once thought she was, you are not in breech of contract and your dd is more important that hurting her feeling, or looking like the bad guy' (And to whom btw? if it's your friends, you only have to tell them a fraction of what's happened and they'd agree with you.) She doesn't want your dd. She's told you so herself. Don't take her!!

I find the CPS a very strange organisation. Why is it not in the public interest to pursue a case of common assault? Normal people don't assault people, whatever the provocation. She certainly isn't fit to be a cm. Is she still registered as one deepbreath?

was going to post but ernest has just said everything I was going to say in her post at 11:42:23

this woman has terminated the contract. you said you'd pay 'over the weekend' and you did.
she seems completely unstable and I wouldn't for one minute consider sending my child to someone who is very clearly in need of help. she is not coping well with the stress and I don't think someone who can have such irrational outbursts should be trusted with your child.

I think this poor CM has had a breakdown.

She is absolutely not fit to look after children and in your shoes, even if the CM did take your dd (and assuming you would be prepared to let her go) I honestly think there's a serious risk that she could be badly treated given how this woman has treated you.

You are NOT in breech of contract. She has verbally terminated your contract (in fact, if the contract says notice is required on both sides, SHE has breeched it, but you can say you are prepared to overlook her breech of the terms)

I am going to be very blunt.

You would be a stark raving mad fruitcake eating tin foil hat wearing LOONY to entrust your CHILD to her care.

You want to drop your child off there? You want to salvage the relationship because you feel sympathy? Guilt? Bugger that! Look how she is acting. For the love of God, woman, who comes first?!

had a long conversation with her.
The upshot of it is....
she is skint, is having dreadful problems with her personal life, but feels she is able to look after the children as normal.
I asked her to perhaps speak to me in a different manner next time, but she was clearly embarrassed about having to come cap in hand over the money.
She will not accept any responsability for this situation, and is willing to continue looking after dd unless I say otherwise.

She has told me, she does not need nor want my support as a friend, as she thinks we do not have that realtionship which is sad, but perhaps I have been niave about the relationship.

I do think she will continue to care for the children well but I obviously hit a very raw nerve when I forgot to pay.

My tears and upset are obviously cos I am a sensative bloody thing who reacts badly to confrontation.

I obvioulsy can not be her friend, but will continue to have a working realtionship with her and will learn not to get so bloody personally involved.

lillymolly - please, look for another CM.

I can't believe you're sending your CHILD back into the care of this woman

I really can't

I couldn't send my child to her. I just couldn't. I'd never relax.

Just please take extra care to look for signs of unhappiness in your child.

Have to say again. I think it's a huge mistake you're making. I hope it works out well for you and your child will be ok.

You are making a mistake, she doesn't deserve to look after your child, you are risking your childs well being by entrusting her to this woman's care. It is your choice but imo you are taking an unnecessary risk and that is unwise.

She flipped at you unexpectedly and rather violently. What makes you believe she will not do the same to any of the mindees?

What are you more bothered about - this woman's feelings and being able to use her as a childminder or your daughter's safety and wellbeing? It sounds as though you don't desperately need childcare at the moment so why are you so desperate to keep her at all costs? I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

lily molly, i have not read the whole thread, but from the bits i have read, and your last post, i think you are cutting your losses by having this woman care for your child!!

if she isn't wanting to be your friend, and has reacted like this just because you have paid her a bit late, though if you paid her cash a few days later than she would have got the cheque then surely she's not having to wait an extra few days for the cheque to clear....so the skint comment from her i dont understand....

if it were my child in the middle of this sort of situation i would want a friendship relationship with anyone whom i was going to leave them with.....and if she's having all these problems still then i doubt she'll be the happiest childminder ever and may in a way 'neglect' your childs needs, rather than someone who wasn't in her situation and had your childs full attention!!

{{{hugs!!}}}

You know, if I was having financial problems and relationship problems it would affect me looking after my children and I strongly suspect it would affect most people's ability to function at work to a certain extent, so how can you or she be so sure she's going to be able to completely focus on your daughter, especially given her outburst yesterday?

I am shocked, really that you put the convenience of the status quo over your dd's well being? And that you would tolerate being treated like this and you're prepared to take such a big risk?It an't be that you don't like confrontations - there was none to have, she told you she didn't want your dd, you just didn't have to turn up. tbh I just cannot understand why you've made the decision you have. I think it is so wrong. And your dp, given everything that's happened agrees??????

I think you're mad, I really do.

I really dont think there is any risk to dd. Yes she should not have spoken to me like that, but if i had ANY doubt over her childcare abilites, beleive me I would not send dd.

I have thought about this fir nearly 24 hours now and I have made me decision, even though i know she was out of order my instinct tells me she will look after dd.

By removing dd and not paying her will surely tip the poor women over the edge financially and emotionally. I could not do that to another person.

I really still like her as a person albeit a bit hurt by her apparant lack of warmth to me, but I am putting this down to her life being very difficult at the moment.
She told me herself her life is shit at the moment.

I promise I do not think DD is in any danger.

Lilymolly - GET A GRIP! She has even now said that you are not friends which is the reason you gave for wanting to continue having her look after your daughter.

Have some pride, tell her to bog off and look for someone else. Please do not grovel to this woman any further. She is treating you very cruelly. Stop and think, do you really want someone like that caring for the thing you love the most?

Even when your life is completely shit - it is never an excuse to speak to people the way she did, fly off the handle, slam the door in your dh's face and ignore your calls.

And not even an apology!

After all, the cash actually meant she got paid more quickly than if she'd had to wait for the usual cheque to clear.

My life is about as shit as it gets at the moment. And I've never once behaved that way!

Her personal problems are nothing to do with you. If I behaved that way towards a client of mine I would be sacked immediately!

You sound like a lovely woman with the patience of a saint. But I think you're misguided in trusting this woman with your dd when she has behaved so badly.

I am sorry I am not one to really doubt peoples decisions but I honestly cannot see how you can continue to send your daughter there.
You said that she was embarassed to have to come cap in hand for the money but she didn't she was rude and aggressive despite the fact that if you had paid by cheque on Friday she wouldn't have had the money before the middle of the week anyway so even if you hadn't paid her until tomorrow she was still getting the money earlier.
You thought of her as a friend but she has said that you aren't but to me that is one of the main reasons for chossing a cm over a nursery is the mroe personal home from home "friendly" approach.

You up until this event would not I am sure thought her capable of such unstable behaviour yet you are not doubting her ability to look after your dd. How can you be so sure that her stress is not affecting her ability to care for your dd and her other mindees when her behaviour at the moment is sooo out of character.

I am sure there are scores of women on mumsnet who have suffered from stress at some time or another me included and during that time your own children are hard enough work never mind somebody elses.

You removing dd and tipping her over the edge is NOT your problem she should have thought about that before she treated you this way. To me this is like a bad relationship she can now treat you any way she wants to because you are gonna let this incident slide so she can now and most likely will walk all over you and you will jump through all her hoops because you have now told her it is ok.