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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2007 22:04

Make the break lily - it will be a weight off of your shoulders when you do

Hunker

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 22:04

Lily - speculating about why she's peed off won't achieve anything.

Put your energies into sorting your daughters childcare instead.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2007 22:04

And, no harm in looking elsewhere, anyway - even if you do decide to stick with it (which I wouldnt do personally).

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 22:06

Lily - hope it all works out by the way, whatever you decide.

ernest · 25/11/2007 22:07

I wouldn't have to think twice. NO way would I send my child back to her, or have anything to do with someone who behaves so rudely. Totally unacceotable. ate payment or not, no excuse whatsoever, and how is she with a little kid really, behind closed doors.

No way. That would be the end for me.

lizziemun · 25/11/2007 22:16

I would look for alternative childcare.

The only reason you didn't pay her by cheque on friday was because your dd wasn't there 'Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis' so had you not arranged to take her cash over the weekend she would not have got payment by cheque until next teusday anyway.

I would feel that if she is reacting like this over your payment then how would she react to a stressful day looking after small children.

lucyellensmum · 25/11/2007 22:20

ive skimmed this and wanted to add my two pence worth.

I do feel for the CM i really do, i know what it is like to be waiting on money - lilly, i am in same position with DP running his business and it is pretty stressfull. However your CM has acted unprofessionally. She should have texted to remind you about the money but something has clearly upset her. I have to be brutally honest here, i really do not think you should let her have DD again, or at least until she gets some help. That outburst, if out of character, would suggest taht if she can get stressed like that with you, is she then going to treat your DD differently. Definately be looking elsewhere i think.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 22:21

thank you all for your candid advice which is much appreciated.
Just had cuddles from my 11 puppies, which are 3 days old ......... feeling much better after a cuddle and bottle of rose wine

Love
LM

OP posts:
Heated · 25/11/2007 22:22

Resolve to do what BellaMama put in her 21:35 post, 'tis excellent, practical advice & would allow you to get a good night's sleep.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 22:22

will let you know how I get on
xxxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 22:24

Bella mama indeed spoke good words of wisdom and made me cry
going to good nights sleep xx

OP posts:
dmo · 25/11/2007 22:40

Can i just ask the fees that you pay on friday are they for the week your child has just done or for the week ahead?
if its the week ahead she is totally out of order
your child was off so monday should be ok to pay

i have just got paid on friday for the whole of oct parent kept forgetting her bag but i am very chilled and dont need the money so was not worried she will pay for nov at begginning of dec

other parents are all meant to pay on the childs first day of care (most do) but a couple are always late

dont be so hard on yourself you have done nothing wrong your child was ill you had a busy weekend your childminder is not the only one with a life!
my 18mth old niece is very poorly in november she only had a few weeks left to live i was so upset but didnt bring my upsets to work. my niece is still with us but is very ill still but while i'm at work i am focused on the children i look after

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/11/2007 09:23

ok just rang her....

asked to talk about what happened last night,
she started ranting about she wants payment on a friday, and this is part of the deal contract etc, i respond by saying I totally agree, it was an oversight and I have aplogised for this, I then tried to explain that her actions where over a little excessive, and she would not let me get a word in as she was telling me how sick her mother in law was, and that she was having a really rough time with thing, I then very gently asked If I could speak and let her know my side of things and that I wanted to express my concerns as to how she treated dp last night, and she told me she was busy with children and and would speak later and put the phone down.

Needless to say I am so pissed off now.
However I still want to continue using her a childminder, so my next thought was to try and see how I think "I" can rectify this, what do I need to do to explain to her how much I appreciate her abut yet explain that I do find this behaviour acceptable?

OP posts:
pageturner · 26/11/2007 09:30

Sorry, but I'd be looking for another cm.

pooka · 26/11/2007 09:31

I too would be looking for another childminder. She doesn't sound very stable to me.

lalalonglegs · 26/11/2007 09:33

Are you sure you still want to use her as a CM? I could forgive a one-off explosion of temper, but she has had a chance to sleep on it now and is still behaving, well, at best oddly. I think it might be time to draw a line under this and find someone else if at all possible.

Perhaps, more significantly, she hasn't retracted her order that you find another CM. You may not be able to continue using her and it would probably be best to start looking at other options immediately.

potoftea · 26/11/2007 09:45

lily I really don't understand why you want to continue with this relationship. I know your dd is happy with her, but she has had a chance now to sort things out with you and didn't take it- so busy she couldn't listen to you, but not so busy she couldn't explain her point to you.
The relationship you had with her is gone. You have done your best to fix it, including realising you did something wrong, but she seems to have no interest in fixing things up.
If you do manage to patch things up to such an extent that you dd goes back to her care, you will always be walking on eggshells with her, scared of upsetting her. Not a good environment for your dd.

Carmenere · 26/11/2007 09:46

Are you MAD? Seriously? You think that she should look after your child after she has treated you like this? She has personal problems atm, well that is very unpleasant but unfortunately in the real world we all have problems and we are not permitted to allow those problems to impact on our work lives. If they do, we must take time off until we can do our job properly again.
I would be most concerned that if she is flying off the handle with you over a relatively minor (YES it IS minor as we have established that she would not have had access to the money over the weekend if she had been paid as normal) incidents what the hell is she going to do if she is faced with a room full of active/grumpy/naughty children??
And what about that she feels that she has the right to be repeatedly rude to you and your dh??Totally out of order.

alittleone2 · 26/11/2007 09:47

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 26/11/2007 09:47

I'm sorry to be blunt, but i think you would be being unreasonable to leave your child with this woman. She is clearly under a lot of pressure but that is no excuse. We all suffer from stress (believe me, i know!) but we don't take it to work until it becomes something we cannot cope with. Do you really think that your child is going to be happy with a woman who is clearly going to hold a grudge over your late payment. At best this is going to affect her attitude to your child as she has clearly demonstrated that her problems are interfering with her professional life. At worst - well do you really want to risk this woman losing her temper with your child and shouting at her or worse?? Your child will pick up on the atmposphere and this will affect her behaviour, it is way too risky.

I can understand that you will be faced with a childcare problem and now have to find a new CM, but think of it this way - you wont leave DD with a CM you hardly know, don't know how she is under pressure etc. Well, this woman is clearly not good under pressure so please don't leave your DD with her.

Is there any family who can help out while you look for alternative childcare? I'm sure your employers will understand if you have to have some time off.

What does your DP say? Can he take on some of the care for a bit?

Ineedacleaner · 26/11/2007 09:50

I have finally read all of this and I have to say especially after your most recent post I would be looking for another CM.
When you called her this morning she said that in your contract it stated paid on a Friday etc.. but you never paid her on Friday at her request. She never said when she excluded your dd due to illness "oh could you pop the money in today anyway!" You both agreed to pay her over the weekend which you did.

YOU don't have to rectify this situation, you have put your hands up and said you forgot, your error but rectified the situation within minutes of being reminded. It is sooo easy to forget something like this especially as your usual routine is to pay on a Friday so over the weekeend when other things take over it is very easy for things to slip your mind.

She is obviously under a great deal of stress and VERY much not dealing with it well. One off temper flair I could get over but to still be ranting this morning is a bit much.

In general she may be a fantastic childminder but I would have serious concerns about her ability to remain stable if her mindees are having an off day if she is exploding like this now.

THe way you have to look at it is that if she is coping this badly and your dd or another mindee has a bit of an "energetic " day and she explodes on one of them how would you feel then? I sm in no way condemning her for this behaviour but she is obviously not coping at the moment and it may be in her and your dd's best interest to find other child care.

edam · 26/11/2007 09:51

OK, after this morning's conversation I think you have to look for alternative childcare. Your relationship has broken down and I don't see how it can be mended.

Olihan · 26/11/2007 09:56

Seriously? After the way she has behaved over your first and only mistake in a year of looking after your dd? I am gobsmacked that you are even CONSIDERING letting your dd go back there.

Sorry to be harsh, but you are MAD. If she can flip at you for one small mistake then what could she do to your dd, or another child, if they aren't behaving as she expects? I would be VERY, VERY worried about her ability to look after children if this is her current mental state.

I agree with whoever it was earlier who said you should complain to OFSTED. The woman is clearly not capable of looking after children at the moment and your priority should be protecting your dd and the other children she minds.

How would you feel if she flipped at one of the children and hurt them? Children are by their nature irritating at times and I know how much more irritating they seem when one is under stress.

Please, please stop looking at this from a 'caring about her' point of view and see it as an issue about protecting your dd who could well be at risk while in her care.

I would start looking for another cm today if I was in your position and this time keep it on a strictly professional footing, rather than a 'friendship'. It is, after all, a business arrangement and I think the level of friendship you have with her is afffecting both of your judgements.

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/11/2007 10:12

One of my major concerns about looking for another childminder, is finding someone who is as good as she is, and the other major concern is that she has a fantastic reputation on our village and everyone knows her on the children circuit, she goes to toddler groups with all my friends and I am afraid that if we end the relationship, this will be hugely awkward for everyone.

I am indeed looking at this whole awful situation as a friend and was thinking of offering to pay her a month in advance to help her out financially or even if she is that strapped to put her fees up!

I want to be able to do everything I can possiblly do to rekindle at least a business relationship and if I do everything and it still fails, then at least I can hold my head up high and know in my heart that I have done everything in my power iyswim.

God i sound like a real fecking soft cow dont i?

OP posts:
DaisyMoo · 26/11/2007 10:16

Lilymolly, I really don't want to sound harsh, but do you have issues with self respect? Because this woman has verbally abused you and is essentially trying to emotionally blackmail you, yet you are intent on grovelling on your hands and knees until she forgives you the minor transgression of paying slightly late. Do you think it's good for your children to witness their mother behaving like this?