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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 14/07/2021 23:26

Deliberately biting a child is definitely abusive.

noblegreenk · 14/07/2021 23:32

My daughter went through a biting phase last year age 2. Everyone said I needed to bite her back but I was reluctant like you. Eventually after a few months of her biting me, dh and other children on daily basis, I took her arm and bit her. Not hard, but just enough that it shocked her. She hasn't bitten anyone since. It still doesn't sit comfortably with me but I'm glad I did it. My dad said I was a bitey child and only stopped biting when my my mum bit me.

JayDot500 · 14/07/2021 23:47

You people overthink everything. Aren't you tired?

I've never done it, don't intend to do it, but I don't have a kid who is biting your children either. I'd rather not be so judgemental.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/07/2021 00:49

It does work but it isn't something I could bring myself to do, I don't think. As an absolute last resort maybe.

MummyGummy · 15/07/2021 01:37

Jesus, 227 people so far think you should bite your child. That’s disgusting. What else, stuff your face full of sweets in front of them to teach them not to eat too many sweets, throw yourself on the floor next time they have a tantrum?!

It’s a phase, just redirect, separate, give something to chew on, spend time 1 to 1 with them etc.

Please don’t scare or punish a tiny child who has no self control and cannot understand why the person who should protect them is hurting them.

Sleepyblueocean · 15/07/2021 06:38

"It does work but it isn't something I could bring myself to do, I don't think. As an absolute last resort maybe."

It wouldn't have worked with my child. They would not have got the connection between their biting and my biting them.

romdowa · 15/07/2021 06:42

My brother was a biter , my mother was told by the doctor to bite him back, she obviously refused to do it but I was seriously fed up of being bitten , so I bit him back , quite hard ( I was 8) and he never bit me again 🤣🤣 my mother suffered on for another while until he grew out of it

SheABitSpicyToday · 15/07/2021 07:21

throw yourself on the floor next time they have a tantrum?!

What you’ve never done this? This is actually surprisingly effective way of getting them to stop tantrumming Grin

Kanaloa · 15/07/2021 07:41

Do you think there might be a connection between the fact that you’ve said you have absolutely no one to one time with him and the fact that he bites his twin? Rather than biting him back, maybe try and work out a time, even just 10 minutes, where he can get a bit of attention without biting his brother.

Biting him would be a despicable thing to do, and realistically no matter how many people say it will work, nothing will work as well as supervising so they aren’t able to bite. I’ve worked in childcare for years, and children who bite quite often get bitten back by other kids, usually to little or no effect, because they just don’t have the language and reasoning skills to link the two events.

GoWalkabout · 15/07/2021 08:10

Its just a quick behavioural trick. They don't mean hard. I did it. Enough to shock but not hurt. But I think the habit is too entrenched for your child now. Any reaction needs to be super quick.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/07/2021 08:23

Isn't a smack just a 'quick behavioral trick' too? Why is it ok to bite our kids but not smack?

ancientgran · 15/07/2021 08:32

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

It does work but it isn't something I could bring myself to do, I don't think. As an absolute last resort maybe.
I think that is what happens generally. I was at the end of my tether with mine biting, but when he bit my Goddaughter I saw what was about to happen, made a grab for him but he did it. She had a terrible mark on her face, he broke the skin, and I did it as a last resort. I admit I was surprised that it worked and he never bit again. I felt bad but he had no mark, he wasn't hurt he was shocked.
TwoLeftElbows · 15/07/2021 08:47

It's interesting that 80% say don't bite your toddler whereas from the comments you'd think there was a majority saying do it.

It's bizarre, I've never seen a smacking thread go this way, and biting is much more emotive and frowned upon than hitting when children do it.

Porcupineintherough · 15/07/2021 08:53

I think its because biting is so emotive @TwoLeftElbows. People are imagining their child being bitten and are therefore willing to sanction more extreme measures to stop it happening. And tbh biting can cause some nasty injuries.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/07/2021 08:58

Unreasonable. If you misjudge it and accidentally break delicate skin, human bites are dangerous and you don’t want to be dealing with infection.

Also, it’s just not a nice thing to do 😊

Sleepyblueocean · 15/07/2021 09:02

"But I think the habit is too entrenched for your child now. Any reaction needs to be super quick."

With some children it isn't going to work. They would need to have the understanding to be able to link the two events and the self regulation to be able to control their behaviour. Adults need to supervise and to look for the reason or triggers in persistent biting.

Conchitastrawberry · 15/07/2021 09:07

I can’t get my head round 21%of the vote saying to bite your child! There are plenty of punishments that don’t involve aggression towards your child.

Carry on as you are ignore the biter, lots of praise for your twin. Hopefully the biter will grow out of it.

pinkstripeycat · 15/07/2021 09:10

I was told the same by friends and family when my child was a toddler. It didn’t work! He still kept biting! Even now as a teenager he says to me “do you remember when you bit me?” He doesn’t remember that he was a biter. The suncream idea is much better

ancientgran · 15/07/2021 09:22

@TwoLeftElbows

It's interesting that 80% say don't bite your toddler whereas from the comments you'd think there was a majority saying do it.

It's bizarre, I've never seen a smacking thread go this way, and biting is much more emotive and frowned upon than hitting when children do it.

It is difficult as some people like me might be in both. I would never recommend biting a child but I have to admit it worked with mine.
ancientgran · 15/07/2021 09:23

@Conchitastrawberry

I can’t get my head round 21%of the vote saying to bite your child! There are plenty of punishments that don’t involve aggression towards your child.

Carry on as you are ignore the biter, lots of praise for your twin. Hopefully the biter will grow out of it.

Some of us tried everything we could think of but still had a child who would bite, and bite hard breaking skin, if given the tiniest possibility.

It is incredibly difficult when you see a child you love regularly covered in bites and a child you love is doing the biting.

ancientgran · 15/07/2021 09:30

@buzzandwoodyallday

My DS went through a biting phase and I tried everything, including biting him back, and it didn't stop him tbh. He just stopped in his own time, but it did take a couple of months, and it coincided with his back molars finally coming in.

I think he was biting people because his teeth coming through gave him an urge to bite down. I did notice that it happened more often when he was tired in the afternoons though, so gave him his dummy when he started to tire, and they did the same at his nursery, and also gave him a wrist band he could chew if he wanted.

I feel so sorry for your other child though as those marks on their arm look horrific. Maybe you need to bite back as I have heard of it working, and it may well work, and I'd have to do absolutely everything I could to save my other child tbh. (And I say that as a mother of 2 boys with only a 12 month age gap and my younger son was being bitten, but not to the extent of yours).

Good luck op. It's crappy being the parent of a biter. I hope he stops it soon.

I think you are right about the teeth coming through. I suffer alot from mouth ulcers and my gums are often inflamed after an attack. Biting down on something is an almost painful almost pleasant feeling when my gums are inflamed.

It is horrible being the parent of a biter and even worse if you are the parent of the victim as well.

Youdiditanyway · 15/07/2021 09:37

My Mum bit my brother when he went through this stage and he stopped doing it. She also washed his mouth out with a bar of soap when he swore and that worked. I don’t condone either and would never do it myself but it did work…

Rosebel · 15/07/2021 09:43

No don't bite your toddler. Your child is young they don't know any better but as an adult you do.
Also you're just teaching your child it's fine to bite if they want to, especially someone smaller than you.
Imagine all the problems that could cause.
I'm shocked your childminder suggested that. She's meant to be a childcare professional. That would make me question if I wanted my child going there.

feb2022 · 15/07/2021 09:49

@woodhill no teacher should ever have to ask a child "why did mummy bite you"
I would never smack my child nor would I ever purposely inflict harm by biting my child
I mean each to their own we all parent differently but that is just my way of doing things

faithfulbird20 · 15/07/2021 14:07

Don't bite your child. End of.