AIBU to not bite my child?

[Charmtaste]

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

It's often a sensory need. Can you redirect dc to bite something like a pillow, or a biting toy? I wouldn't bite a toddler no - just because it works doesn't mean it should be used.

@threatmatrix

Or she could take some of the other very good advice offered on how to deal with this? The two options aren’t bite your child or let your child bite others. There is a middle road.

At nursery in the late 70’s I was repeatedly bitten by a girl. I remember the nursery teachers holding her still whilst encouraging me to bite her back to stop her. Can’t remember if I did it or not.

My ds went through a biting phase. All advice from older relatives was to bite him back. I couldn't do it, so I put his finger in his mouth and pressed his chin up so he but his own finger (not hard). It worked and he never but again!

Wouldn't bite your kid but sending hugs as a biter is tough to manage, they will grow out of it but for now it's a hard watch!

Our son did this, was common to have incidents of this at nursery and amongst our friends kids. It was horrible and embarrassing. We asked our nursery what to do, they suggested we do a role play where we pretend one of us (DH or I) bites the other, the victim gets upset etc. We did it (my husband pretending to bite me and me pretending to cry). It was very effective…..too effective (testament to our acting skills perhaps?? ). Our son threw himself over me, quite upset and kept glaring at my husband, wouldn’t go to him for the rest of the evening. Perhaps a bit mean but he stopped biting after that……

@threatmatrix

One bite from you will stop it. Or you could refrain and let your other child me scarred mentally and physically.

Yeah, because those are literally the only two options.

Fuck sake.

Sounds like a potential serial killer tbh

Bit back, it usually works!

I can't believe adults are saying they would bite their toddlers or pull their hair. That's physical child abuse.

I think you need to supervise, say no and remove biter from the nice activity.

Don't use time out. It encourages shame.

How can you expect a child to develop empathy this way? I did a consistent 'that hurts, look' not in a shaming way but saying it hurt and wasn't acceptable. I have him other stuff to bite.
It might have taken longer this way but he's an empathic kid on the whole. Model to your kids how you want them to treat others.

Don't use time out. It encourages shame

Jesus wept, we can’t even allow children to feel shame for bad behaviour now? No wonder so many young people are completely unprepared for life’s challenges.

Yes, I've heard it all now. What's wrong with them being shamed

My boy used to be a biter it was hideous , my sister used to look after him and she had a boy who is only 10 weeks younger, the younger one would just take the bites and it was awful seeing the marks but one day he'd had enough and bite my boy back and caused a mark and apparently my son cried for ages about it but he never bit him or anyone ever again so he defo needed it done to him but I could of never bitten him either

In young children biting can be a sign of affection.

To be honest, I think you do not bite your child out of anger, in the heat of the moment, because you will hurt them. But if you do it carefully, enough for him to feel it, but not leave a bruise, then he will get that it hurts the other person and stop doing it. Plenty of cases here.
Obviously, you try discipline first.
But you cannot leave your poor other twin to suffer like this!
At this point, I would try it.

@Justcallmebabs

Our son did this, was common to have incidents of this at nursery and amongst our friends kids. It was horrible and embarrassing. We asked our nursery what to do, they suggested we do a role play where we pretend one of us (DH or I) bites the other, the victim gets upset etc. We did it (my husband pretending to bite me and me pretending to cry). It was very effective…..too effective (testament to our acting skills perhaps?? ). Our son threw himself over me, quite upset and kept glaring at my husband, wouldn’t go to him for the rest of the evening. Perhaps a bit mean but he stopped biting after that……

Try this one OP. It is a great idea.

You have to make him understand it really hurts.
I do not think biters do get that.

Hi had a biter. She was awful for it, did it to any child that came near her for a long time. I bit her once, it made no difference, just made me feel bad. I then had a discussion with someone who said you are your child’s first role model and you should always model the behaviour that you want them to display. She eventually grew out of it.

My dgd was a biter, until one day when she had bitten her dB, my dd got hold of her finger and put it in her mouth and said "do you want mummy to bite you?" She shook her head and after a couple of times she stopped biting. My dd didn't bite her of course, just asked if that's what she wanted. Might be worth a try. Good luck with it.

I know it sounds horrible, but often kids that age do not know how it feels to be bitten. Generally, one good, sharpish nip will cure them. Now, I am NOT saying to bite the poor thing bloody, just make it pinch enough that he knows how unpleasant it is for the bitee. I had to do that with #2, who earned the nickname "Jaws" from his habit of slipping up and nipping standing adults on the bottom. One bite in return broke that habit forever. Of course, it didn't help that everyone NOT biten laughed like hyenas over it.

My sister was a biter.
My mum bit her once.
My sister never bit again. Ever.
The end.

"Generally, one good, sharpish nip will cure them."

Or it might not and a parent will have abused their child for nothing. It would not have worked for ds because he didn't have the understanding to link the two things.

Biting your child to teach them a lesson is not acceptable- purposefully inflicting injury whether by smacking or biting is a child protection concern, is not a reasonable response to a behaviour problem, and could well be flagged up by nursery/ any health professional who sees the child. I would have real concerns about the child minder who thinks this is appropriate. Distraction/ chew buddies, and positive reinforcement/ attention when not biting are far better ways of managing this.

How would people feel if they found out their Nanny/childminder had given their child a 'quick nip?' I can just imagine the outrage on here.

If your DC bites, I would say "no biting" fiercely and immediately put them in a different room for 30 - 60 seconds. Do it consistently.