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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
ancientgran · 15/07/2021 14:22

@feb2022 In OPs position would you feel you were failing the twin who is black and blue from bites?

Original poster
Charmtaste · 15/07/2021 14:26

@Rosebel as I explained she isn’t a childminder she is a mother’s help. I used the word childminder as a clumsy shorthand.

OP posts:
feb2022 · 15/07/2021 15:16

@ancientgran I probably would yes! And I do on a daily basis myself, my boys are only 12 months apart and the youngest hits the oldest, doesn't mean I'm going to smack him because that's what he does to his brother... what is that going to teach him really?
It's ok for me to smack you (your main role model) but don't do it to anyone else??
It doesn't really work for me so I'm sorry

ancientgran · 15/07/2021 16:05

[quote feb2022]@ancientgran I probably would yes! And I do on a daily basis myself, my boys are only 12 months apart and the youngest hits the oldest, doesn't mean I'm going to smack him because that's what he does to his brother... what is that going to teach him really?
It's ok for me to smack you (your main role model) but don't do it to anyone else??
It doesn't really work for me so I'm sorry[/quote]
Shame for the one getting smacked. Must be pretty horrible if he is getting smacked daily.

ancientgran · 15/07/2021 16:06

I have a sibling who is almost 12 months older than me, apparently I was well bitten as a baby, I never did it and I don't know how they stopped her but I do know my mother said she was scared to take me to see HV as I was so bruised and marked. I only have one clear memory of her doing it, I wonder if I bit her back that time and it was over.

feb2022 · 15/07/2021 16:18

@ancientgran probably more horrible if he was seeing me smack his brother also
Get a grip!
DO NOT SMACK KIDS OR BABIES
They both know discipline, youngest has only just turned 18 months and he is starting to learn by removing him from the situation and being told NO!
So have a nice day!

ShitPoetryClub · 15/07/2021 16:32

There's saying "No" and there's saying "No" like you really really mean it and the consequences of doing it again will be death Grin
Think I'd be going for the "No" that involved a fear inducing menacing stare, a raised voice and a swift removal to the garage.
At 2, mine perfectly knew what "No" meant, even if the sometimes pretended they didn't.

Love the pharmacists strategy to sell more suncream Grin

feb2022 · 15/07/2021 16:35

@ShitPoetryClub exactly!! 😂😂
Ohh trust me mine know, he's just at the boundary pushing stage 😅

TwoLeftElbows · 15/07/2021 17:39

@ancientgran if you bite or smack either child, you're teaching BOTH of them that their main carer condones hurting children. I wouldn't want either of mine to learn that Mummy bites, bitee included. They know their sibling bites but if Mum starts hurting my sibling that's new info and what's to stop her hurting me?

My ex-biter and ex-bitee wouldn't dream of fighting each other physically, unlike me and my brother who used to scrap all the time. But maybe my brother and I learned this way of interacting from our parents who using smacking "because it worked". It's really, really important to send a message to the bitee that it's unacceptable for them to be hurt. But these days with the internet at our fingertips, we can find better ways than modelling hurting other people.

MagpieMomma · 15/07/2021 17:40

My DS used to bite his sister all the time - after trying everything I resorted to biting him back. For the first time he understood why we said it hurts (he never felt pain biting her so didn’t believe it hurt) and he never bit her again.

csigeek · 15/07/2021 17:40

They lack empathy at that age, biting him back could work but it might not. You don’t need to bite hard, just enough to shock him and make him realise how it feels, but he may not remember that the next time.
My boy was a biter, nothing worked and he did grow out of it.

pollymere · 15/07/2021 17:43

I don't think biting is the answer but nor is giving all the attention to the bitten twin. Ask him quietly why he bites his twin and explain that it's making everybody sad. I think you need to stop poor behaviour but you need to find out why it's happening first.

justlliloleme · 15/07/2021 17:46

My daughter did this all the time when she was 2 or 3. I did the biting back - it doesn’t work!

She only stopped when she drew blood!

I was at my wits end, so I know how you must be feeling. My daughter was doing this at nursery & only to one of the children. My sister who worked in a nursery (a different one) says it’s quite common & all they do is keep the child in ‘bite watch’ and basically stop it before it happens.

She’s 12 now & just been diagnosed with ADD - I wonder if it’s related somehow 🤔

Bravesoul · 15/07/2021 17:50

Be patient with the biter but tell him No quite emphatically . Children do not learn empathy until they are about 3 years old.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 15/07/2021 17:59

My ds was a biter. One day at about 18 months he bit his big sister, who would have been 4 or so. She turned round and bit him back.. so while I wouldn’t advocate biting him yourself, I can’t deny the anecdata says it works, as he didn’t do it again.
I would second though the pp suggesting to get his ears checked. Ds also had glue ear, hearing loss, and speech delay, so I think he did tend to lash out in frustration as he couldn’t communicate. Once he’d had his grommets, and then speech therapy, his overall behaviour really improved. (He’s also now a well behaved young adult.. the biting certainly wasn’t a portent of terrible things to come!)

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 15/07/2021 18:09

My cousin was a biter, my Nan bit him & he never bit again, my friends two children were both biters she bit them back & they never bit again, of course you don’t bite hard, it just makes the toddler realise it’s not nice, none of the biters have any recollection of the incident, they are not traumatised by the event.

CauliflowerBalti · 15/07/2021 18:17

You really are not BU. We don’t bite our children. Even if it works and stops the behaviour. Kicking his teeth in would also stop him. Locking him in a cupboard would work. Also, gagging him. Go out with the non-biter and leave him in the house alone - he can’t bite anyone then!

There are loads of very very wrong things you can do to stop biting, that would totally work. Parenting isn’t about the quick win though.

I reckon you need to figure out why he bites. Frustration? Watch out for it and tell him to bite or punch a cushion. Likes the bitey sensation? Give him an apple. Excitement? Watch out for it and divert. It’ll take vigilance and patience but he’ll grow out of it - without his caregiver breaking his trust and punishing biting by biting.

Sudocrem idea is fairly genius tbh.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/07/2021 18:20

Apparently I bit my Dad so he gently bit me back. I've never been traumatised by it and I've never bitten anyone since!

I wonder if it would work on the cat...

Ari202 · 15/07/2021 18:31

I agree with you, OP.

You wouldn’t put your child’s hand in fire to show them it burns. There are better ways to deal with it.

Kanaloa · 15/07/2021 18:35

All the posters insisting that you don’t have to bite the child hard, just a ‘gentle’ bite, does that not confuse your logic slightly? How does biting a child gently teach them that biting hurts?

OlympicProcrastinator · 15/07/2021 18:43

I also got the advice to ‘bite him back’. But honestly, what are you teaching him if you do that? It’s not ok for him to bite but it is for you to bite

In theory I agree but in reality I think it teaches “if I hurt someone they could hurt me back”

After a boy at school kept kicking my DD and getting a telling off, red card, time out etc and nothing changing I finally told my DD to boot him back double as hard the next time he did it.

It stopped him immediately and indefinitely.

I tell my children never to hit people because they might hit you back harder in self defence. It’s a realistic message.

notsofussy · 15/07/2021 18:56

When I was about 4 a boy used to bite me all the time. I was covered in bruises. One day he was sitting on a bench in the park and I thought nows my chance. I crept under the seat and took a big bite out of the back of his leg. He never bit me again. It definitely worked on him.

Pollygetthevodkaout · 15/07/2021 18:58

@Mumoblue

When I was in college doing my first childcare course, biting came up as a discussion and the tutor asked the class if we could think of a good approach to a child who is biting? One girl said very confidently, “Bite them back!”

That was not the right answer. No, don’t bite your kids!

Erm....and what was the correct action? ( whole point of thread...)
ClaudiasWinkleMan · 15/07/2021 18:59

This may seem nuts but I have a friend who’s son has ASD and he used to bite everything. Turns out it was a sensory seeking thing. He needed oral feedback. Was given an electric toothbrush and it stopped. It was almost overnight. He got the feedback he needed when he brushed his teeth and no longer needed to bite. Also regular snacks that need chewing like carrots and apples.

threatmatrix · 15/07/2021 19:00

One bite from you will stop it. Or you could refrain and let your other child me scarred mentally and physically.