AIBU to not bite my child?

[Charmtaste]

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

My ds (he’s 7) bites me (autistic) he has since he’s been a toddler, I’ve had bite marks that have bled and badly bruised me before now.

I would never ever even think to bite him back. It’s awful for an adult to bite a child.

His portage work actually advised me to do it when he was 3 and I was really shocked that she had suggested it working for the authority like she does!

Also OP you say It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain but you would be inflicting the same pain on him.

It’s not for me, there are other ways to work through the phase with a (I presume) normally developing toddler..

I have tried shouting with an angry face. He just laughs. He is not frightened of me because I have never hurt him.

Yet ^^

I was the victim of a biter ( my sister) . It hurts so so much. My mother bit her. It was a gentle bite compared to the teeth sinking efforts she made on me. But she never did it again. Her relationship with my mother suffered no ill effects. People are so busy thinking that this would be a terrible thing they are forgetting the poor victim . Being bitten isreally ,really nasty and when you have to live with the biter its frightening. Sometimes you need to protect your more vulnerable child.

We had time out travel cot. When one hit or bit they were told no, put straight in travel cot and ignored while other one had attention lavished on them. Cot in totally separate room helped.

@Charmtaste

Just to clarify my childminder hasn’t bitten my son. She asked my permission to bite him and I said no. She only looks after my boys so no other children are involved.

A childminder asked for permission to bite your child?!

I've heard it all now. That's appalling

My DD went to nursery and got bitten by a 'boy' . The next time she went in nursery she bit every boy in the nursery.. interestingly the boy who was a biter - never bit her again (I don't think he bit others either)..

We had not told her to bite back - and she did not 'remember' which boy - so to be fair did them all .. she was really a lovely child

DS used to bite me and giggle - one day I had enough and bit him back - he didn't bite again (I bit hard enough for him to feel and not to cause too much pain).. It might not be popular but i do think the 'sharp shock 'can stop a behaviour

Bloody hell that poor child’s arm, you need to step up and be a parent @Charmtaste so why if he laughs in your face, or climbs out of his cot, you put him back, 20 times if you have to!

@Charmtaste

Thank you all for suggestions so far. To answer a few questions. Biter never bites when we are out or at playgroup. He only bites his twin and older sibling. We have tried teething rings, dummies etc. I like the idea of using toys to role play how biting hurts. Also mustard might help.

However, sheer number of people saying biting works is making me doubt myself.
He is biting 2-6 times a day and usually in the same area. I attach a picture of the bitten twins arm. The repeated bites in the same area are causing bruising. I feel so useless.

That is awful, really poor child. If you have got the strength, energy etc then try some of the other methods otherwide I’d trying biting. This has to stop.

Well I bite and eat babies all the time.
They shouldn’t be so darn cute. .

All jokes aside No you don’t bite a baby to tell them biting is wrong. I’m shocked that advice has came from a Child Minder.

Can I just say again how fucking horrified I am that posters are condoning biting.

I can only assume you would all do the same for biting, kicking, hair pulling and hitting, and frankly I thought as a generation of parents, we’d come further than this.

Could you encourage bitten twin to bite back op? That amount of bruising is horrific!

Failing that (and this will be the most difficult solution because they are twins) you need to keep them apart at all times. Tell the biter that he isn't allowed near his twin until he stops biting.

My eldest ds was a biter and it always happened when he was in a confined area with another child, playhouses for example. Eventually I just go his day carers to not allow him to play in areas close by other kids.

He is 13 now and just about the best behaved child I've ever met, if that makes you feel better!

@VaguelyInteresting

Can I just say again how fucking horrified I am that posters are condoning biting.

I can only assume you would all do the same for biting, kicking, hair pulling and hitting, and frankly I thought as a generation of parents, we’d come further than this.

Same. I work with vulnerable children and would be straight on to the police to report a parent who told me they had bitten their child! It’s assault! There is no evidence that hurting children effectively modifies behaviour. I agree with pp who said other forms of violence may appear effective but doesn’t mean they are applauded. What does it teach a child. I would expect a few but am really shocked at how many are advocating this. Trust your instincts OP.

I have only skimmed through the thread but I assume that ‘teeth are not for biting’ book has been mentioned, if you haven’t used this already? Have you any ‘feelings’ books that you can use to reinforce messages on how sad people feel when they get hurt, or helping biter talk about being angry? This one is good for that age www.amazon.co.uk/Feelings-lift-flap-emotions-About/dp/1526381540/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=feelings+book&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1626286455&sr=8-3.

I think, unfortunately for you, they cannot be left unsupervised and an adult needs to be between them at all times, for now. When biter bites, an immediate response or consequence every time to remove what they were playing with or similar. Calmly, firmly, I won’t let you hurt. I’m sure you’re trying all these things and it is a developmental stage, which is why it needs to be prevented in the first place. Do they get any one to one time with you? Probably a ridiculous question I know! But sounds like they could both do with it if at all possible.

I know someone who had their child removed by social services for inflicting a bite, obviously there were many other issues & in SW radar anyway but that act triggered the child being removed.
Why would you deliberately harm your child?

@Undersnatch thank you for the book recommendations.
Unfortunately we don’t get any 1 on 1 time. It is almost impossible with 3 under 6. The biting is so random that it can suddenly happen when they are both on my lap. They are always watched and play so nicely together and then suddenly he bites.

I can imagine it’s impossible, especially since you have another. It’s probably easy for me to say but can you then deliberately avoid having them both on you lap then? Insist that they sit on either side of you?

If you haven’t tried the ‘teeth are not for biting’ then I defo would - hands are not for hitting was great for my youngest who can be pretty aggressive.

My DS went through a biting phase and I tried everything, including biting him back, and it didn't stop him tbh. He just stopped in his own time, but it did take a couple of months, and it coincided with his back molars finally coming in.

I think he was biting people because his teeth coming through gave him an urge to bite down. I did notice that it happened more often when he was tired in the afternoons though, so gave him his dummy when he started to tire, and they did the same at his nursery, and also gave him a wrist band he could chew if he wanted.

I feel so sorry for your other child though as those marks on their arm look horrific. Maybe you need to bite back as I have heard of it working, and it may well work, and I'd have to do absolutely everything I could to save my other child tbh. (And I say that as a mother of 2 boys with only a 12 month age gap and my younger son was being bitten, but not to the extent of yours).

Good luck op. It's crappy being the parent of a biter. I hope he stops it soon.

You are right do not bite a child ever. I can’t believe 20 percent of people think it’s the way to go.

I'm old. My parents, like every parent back then (and the neighbours too, come to think of it) thought nothing of giving you a clip round the ear, on the "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy. Biters did get bitten back. I do not recall receiving any punishment I had not earned. For example, my mum would say "Keep doing that and it will earn you a smack". And if I kept on, I did indeed get that smack. I thought I grew up to be a well behaved person who knows right from wrong. Some of the adult behaviour you see nowadays is appalling. But it appears I am scarred for life. However, I don't bite.

An adult biting a child is abuse. Some adults with severe learning disabilities or dementia, bite when distressed. Do we bite them to? A childminder who bites needs reporting.

Please don’t bite your child.
I work in child protection and I can tell you it is not acceptable.
Parents have been prosecuted for buying their children. There is no excuse for it at all.

I have twins. I also had that advice. I feel very guilty but when the biter bit me one day I did bite her back and she stopped biting her brother (and me).

I think I would be completely mortified with myself if I did this to my kids
just picturing them going to nursery and the teacher asking what the mark is on arm for example and them replying with "mummy bit me" makes me feel sick

I didn’t bite her hard of course there wasn’t any change in her skin. She just felt my teeth on her and was quite shocked but she never did it again.

@ittakes2

I didn’t bite her hard of course there wasn’t any change in her skin. She just felt my teeth on her and was quite shocked but she never did it again.

Wrong. She never did it to YOU or your other child again (that you know of). All you did was show her she has to hide the biting from you, not to stop biting. How is it in any way logical? 'I don't want you to bite so in order to teach you that I'm going to bite you'.

Let's hope you didn't leave a mark, or you may find her biting is the least of your worries.

@feb2022

I think I would be completely mortified with myself if I did this to my kids just picturing them going to nursery and the teacher asking what the mark is on arm for example and them replying with "mummy bit me" makes me feel sick

Yes but why did she bite you, it doesn't come out of a vacuum