My DH never buys me food….

[Lifeisaminestrone]

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

Just give him a list. My DH is terrible at remembering anything that’s not on the list.

In my experience many lawyers have unusual cognitive processing.

The ironing and the shopping are odd. DH and I do both for each other and DS. It almost seem deliberate but I can't think of a reason why

This is weird on both sides.

I moaned at him tonight and made him go to the local store as was hungry

I"m not sure if it's your language, but maybe he's sick of being 'made' to go to the shops and wants you to go and buy your own treats... the morning sounds weird too. Could you sit down and have a chat?

Don't buy food for him.
Don't do his washing.

Sorry, that should have said 'the ironing is weird too'.

This is a horrible way for him to behave, that with the ironing makes it seem that he purposefully won’t do anything for you in particular? How odd. My dh does the majority of the food shopping, I send him a list sometimes but he’ll often add things that just I eat that aren’t on the list (like smoked salmon and croissants) as he knows I like them. Your dh seems to have a chip on his shoulder about something.

I'm sure you're quite capable of buying your own food with your high income?! He orders/buys his, you order yours - problem solved
But that’s what housemates do, not married couples. What next, separate cupboards in the kitchen with locks on?

OP, I think you have to be really specific with requests. My DP does the food shop and occasionally forgets things or doesn’t think to replenish or get regular items unless they’re on a very, very clear list, because he doesn’t eat or is allergic to them. Unless I write apples (and specify exactly what type) he wouldn’t think to include them under “snacks”. Same with milk, doesn’t drink it, doesn’t notice if it runs out.

So I have to write:

Braeburn apples (bag of 10)
Semi-skimmed milk 4 pints (green top)

Instead of just: milk, apples.

Get specific about shopping lists (“sandwich filler” is meaningless. Do you mean ready made crab paste type of things, or tuna tins, or ham, or what?), find a way that works - some people do Google docs, we have a whiteboard on the fridge – and get angry if he continues to “forget” your needs

I have not read everything but I don't understand why you "tell him what should be on the list" rather than handing him the list/texting it/WhatsApping it. My DH does the shopping mostly, especially the big shops. There is a written list in the kitchen, I add to it as needed, including things we need, and things I want. He generally doesn't add to it, as he keeps his own list inside his head. If he had not been able to get any of the items on my list he will tell me after the shop and I put those items on the new list.

That said, if I put anything on the list that is not standard stuff we get every week, I need to be specific to avoid disappointment, so "cheese, Laughing Cow", Kefir, cherry flavour, small one", rather than just cheese etc.

I have had to discourage him buying "treats" as he knows I love puddings, chocolate etc, and he would get me too much of those!

Re ironing. I don't iron anything as I am truly bad at it. I do the washing he does the ironing. That works well.

The food is definitely weird and hopefully solved by clear communication (but I’ve never had to be very clear to get my DP to get me food!). I don’t find the ironing odd, ironing is such a bitch I can barely do my own so we definitely take responsibility for our own ironing and I would never expect DP to stand there for an extra 30 mins ironing my things.

Is it also a WFH issue? In our set up I am responsible for food purchases while DP pays more bills and I have found it stressful him also expecting I now manage all our lunch meals as well - it’s upped the commitment on my side - not so much financially as I’m sure heating and electric has also gone up and he sorts that - but more mentally - I would rather he just sorted his own lunches really like he would if he was in the office. So there could be a bit of that?

But to be honest if my DP just gave me a list of what he wanted in the shop that would 100% solve the issue for me as it’s more that he wanders around the kitchen asking what’s for lunch . So it’s probably not that with yours! Def just give him a very clear list as others have said. Easy Peasy. Or just do online shopping and split it, and then if he wants to do a Saturday food shop it’s more of a fun one for him, maybe buying nice things for dinner and some wine rather than the bulk of the groceries for the week - which I can’t really manage myself unless doing online.

maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items and explain to him where they are found

I was with you before, but if you are just saying to him 'get stuff for lunches' you can't blame him really. That request, repeatedly, would piss me off too.

Although, when I shop, I buy ham and cheese etc so it's there anyway, and its not mine or his, it's part of the household food. Like all the food is.

Takem with the ironing though, there is an issue here and I don't think I could be married to someone that see's it as us and them, and only does things for themselves and children. You aren't a family unit.

I can understand him thinking snacks are a waste of money and offer no nutritional value. But sandwich fillings. I can’t imagine what he has against sandwich fillings. Unless, for example, you are asking him to buy ready-mixed tuna and mayonnaise when you already have cans of tuna and a jar of mayonnaise in the house but you are too lazy to make your own mix? Is that what’s happening?

It doesn’t matter if he thinks something is a waste of money or offers no nutritional value. OP is an adult who has asked him to buy it.

And I get a feeling it’s exactly this - but if so, that’s worse. He doesn’t get to police what the OP wants to eat.

Don’t wash any of his underpants or socks until he runs out then say “sorry I was in a rush or forgot”

Repeat until he gets the message!

Are you happy otherwise in your marriage?

To me, on the surface this looks like a passive aggressive way of telling you he's not happy and won't be dictated to.

Why don't you sit down and talk to him not MN?
And surely as a lawyer you can pick over the silly excuses he gives like he forgot.

This is just plain weird!
Sounds like he has some resentment towards you as if
'I'm not getting her bits of shopping for her'
'I'm not doing her ironing for her'
I would be asking him what the hell's going on in his mind.

maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items and explain to him where they are found. I think I will give him one last try at buying these items and if he cocks up again it will be online ordering from now on

While I'd be the first person to say that he should be able to manage grocery shopping without detailed instructions and hand holding, he probably does need a specific list or else he's faced with doing all the choosing and deciding for you, which he probably resents and may get it wrong simply because the thing he'd pick might be different to what you'd choose if you were stood in front of the shelf in the shop.

Are you easy going about he buys or do you want something really specific? Would you complain if he got different items to what you'd pick, or are you happy with any type of ham, crisps, biscuits etc?

Either give him a reasonably specific list and have a conversation about how flexible you are if things are out of stock, there's something new that he thinks you might like to try, or a different brand is on special offer or whatever, or just order online yourself if you want to browse and choose.

Is he tight with money? The only rational explanation is he’s tight and doesn’t want to spend his money on you? But also won’t admit that outright? That doesn’t account for why he won’t do your washing though.
It’s like he’s running a secret vendetta to not do things that only benefit you!

I think you need to give him the money and a list and see if he buys it.

If not, order any thing you want online and then share the buying of the cleaning supplies.

Sounds passive aggressive

Do you have a joint account? Contribute the same and pay it out of that.

"maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items"

Well yes, that would help!

I hate it when people say can you pick me up for example some chocolate-I don't care wht, you decide!

No, you want the bloody chocolate, you decide!

That said, I would have though that he knows what snacks & sandwich fillings yoou eat for it no to n´be too difficult a task for him.

I don't find either of these things odd, to be honest. It's how we do things too. It's causing a problem in your relationship, not because your husband is inherently behaving badly, but because your expectations don't match up. At the moment your husband's expectations are winning so naturally you feel resentful.
I wfh and DP goes out to work. Work lunched are our own responsibility to buy and prepare, exactly as when we were both out to work. Perhaps he also still sees it as 'work lunches' in the same way, rather than being a heartless bastard?

Ironing. I think it's perfectly normal for an adult to do their own ironing. I did my own once I was old enough. I taught my son to do his own from around 12 years old. Lots of couples do their own ironing. To me, it's a self-care thing like brushing your own teeth.

We split the cleaning, cooking, gardening, DIY etc fairly and work together on these, so it's not that we are generally selfish or living oddly separate lives.

Neither of you is wrong. It's nice to do these things for each other, but with so many demands on everyone's time it's also nice for both to take responsibility for their own basics.

Maybe he feels he already does more and these are his sticking points? Maybe he thinks these are basics of adult self-care? Maybe he is just a very selfish person overall but you can judge that from the division of other tasks?

It’s posts like this that confirm to me that my decision to never live with anyone again was the right one. But as pp have said, just write it, clearly, on a list.
I’d hate having anyone else iron my clothes.

I wouldn’t stand for this once, let alone repeatedly.
I’d give him a specific list. If he arrived back without any item, he’d be sent straight back out to get it.
And if he wouldn’t do my ironing, I wouldn’t do his washing. Sauce for the goose, etc.
OP, I think you need to use your training in cross examination, to grill your husband as to why he’s engaging in this unpleasant behaviour. What is driving his passive aggression?