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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu in thinking my brother is horrible person

132 replies

Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 19:52

So, I’ve posted on relationships for a hand hold for DF in critical care. Consultants called us today to say they don’t think there is anything more they can do. Mum was distraught and spoke to another consultant and they are willing to give him more time and add more antibiotics and meds to try and ‘prove them wrong’- to which my brother replied- ugh it’s just dragging this out. He’s made several other cold comments that are so hurtful. I’m 5 months pregnant and started having pains so they sent me to triage and thankfully everything is ok but my BP was low and there were ketones in my wee so they said I needed to eat more. Bro was out smoking (4:55 just before shop closed, he was smoking by the shop) mum asked for him to get me a snack and he refused. My mum and I took a taxi to the hospital because I felt too shaky to drive, she asked if he could take us to a restaurant as he drove, it would be otw home for him, he refused.

The big thing for me is, my dad needed aspiration so I asked if he would ask the nurses as he was closestTo the door , he scoffed and refused. I’m said, in anger I’ll admit ‘why are you being such a horrid person’ he nearly stormed out but my mum talked him down. I was upset so I asked the nurses to do it myself and went for a breather to the loo, i came back and he was complaining and making nasty comments about there being too many tubes and wires and waiting here for no reason (my dad is on life support) I walked into this and my mum begging for him to not make these comments and he said well I’m a horrid person according to this c*nt, meaning me, and I said maybe it’s because you talk like that to people at a time like this. He stood up and said ‘you f’ing what’ took his rubber gloves off aggressively and got right up in my face, pushed past me and kicked me in the shins otw out. It’s just made this day so much harder, I needed to vent.

He’s nearly 30 btw and he’s always been uncaring, aggressive and the type of man that would steal x mas money from his elderly grandmother (he did that when he was 23)

This is disgusting right, beyond grief because he doesn’t seem to care…

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/07/2021 19:56

I think the pair of you should start supporting your poor Mum who is having to deal with two children whilst her husband is on life support

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:01

That’s quite a harsh comment, I am doing everything. My brother has left and not been around. I’ve left my child with my husband 3 hrs away for 4 days. I am supporting my mother emotionally and physically by being there and begging with my brother in private to lose the ‘cba’ attitude.

Not the point of this post but my mother also abused me as a child so it’s difficult but I am trying my best

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 13/07/2021 20:01

Flowers What an awful situation

imaginethemdragons · 13/07/2021 20:02

You sound like absolute nightmare visitors for the staff and your poor mum.

Don’t think for one minute that this behaviour has gone unnoticed by the staff.
They will be watching and will have him removed if he is being aggressive, using vile language and being intimidating.
It will not be tolerated.
But you need to sort yourselves out and fast.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 13/07/2021 20:05

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother is behaving in such a nasty way while you're trying to cope with your DF being so poorly.
Unfortunately I can't offer any advice, other than try to avoid being at the hospital at the same time as him. He does sound pretty awful, and to actually assault you when you're pregnant, is completely out of order. Obviously your DM doesn't need this sort of behaviour from him either, is there anyone else in the family that could have a word with him and tell him if he can't be nice in such a dreadful situation, then he'd be better off staying away so that you and your DM can deal with this awful time in peace, rather than just upsetting everyone even more.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:05

I’ve begged with him to be more emotionally available and kind with his words and attitude but he’s told me to f’ off.

OP posts:
imaginethemdragons · 13/07/2021 20:06

Don’t rise to him.
Make sure you eat, get your own snacks, don’t ask him to do anything just do your own thing.

He sounds like he isn’t in the least bit helpful or interested, so don’t try to intervene or put him straight.
Just treat the situation as if he is just someone who is visiting but not with you.
Honestly sounds like you just can’t win with him. So don’t try.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:13

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother is behaving in such a nasty way while you're trying to cope with your DF being so poorly. Unfortunately I can't offer any advice, other than try to avoid being at the hospital at the same time as him. He does sound pretty awful, and to actually assault you when you're pregnant, is completely out of order. Obviously your DM doesn't need this sort of behaviour from him either, is there anyone else in the family that could have a word with him and tell him if he can't be nice in such a dreadful situation, then he'd be better off staying away so that you and your DM can deal with this awful time in peace, rather than just upsetting everyone even more.
There is no one. Just me.

DF lived abroad so it was just him, me and my mother growing up. It was hard, a very aggressive and abusive time in my life, mother isn’t physically abusive anymore but it lasted a long time. He’s always been a violent person, police have been called on him a few times, when I left he did become violent to my mother, so this isn’t isolated but I’d hoped he’d calm down and find his humanity

OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 13/07/2021 20:19

Oh my God! I am so sorry, OP, of course it is not unreasonable to expect people to behave decently, even when it is not a life and death situation. There are so many points in your original post which are absolutely disgusting.

Royalbloo · 13/07/2021 20:19

Maybe he's just not coping with it all? Sounds like he's in a world of his own pain to me?

Royalbloo · 13/07/2021 20:20

Some people cannot (or will not) do what is needed. I would stop asking.

Royalbloo · 13/07/2021 20:21

But you won't change him...have you asked how he feels? (I totally get if you haven't as his behaviour is terrible), but it's his emotions driving the way he is acting.

Karwomannghia · 13/07/2021 20:24

He cannot handle the pressure and is clearly very weak. It must be incredibly difficult for you and your mum.
It’s firefighting right now. Don’t ask him to do anything it clearly aggravates him.

charley50 · 13/07/2021 20:25

Sad to say but he's maybe not very bonded to your dad at all if he wasn't around in his childhood. Does he want to be at the hospital with you and your mum?

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 13/07/2021 20:27

@Karwomannghia

He cannot handle the pressure and is clearly very weak. It must be incredibly difficult for you and your mum. It’s firefighting right now. Don’t ask him to do anything it clearly aggravates him.
Yes I completely agree with this
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:28

@charley50

Sad to say but he's maybe not very bonded to your dad at all if he wasn't around in his childhood. Does he want to be at the hospital with you and your mum?
Yeah she does want him there he’s always been her favourite
OP posts:
Whataroyalannoyance · 13/07/2021 20:29

Hold on. Your adult brother got in your face, pushed you and kicked you. After calling you a cu*t? Because you dared ask for some help?
Fuck that. His behaviour is not acceptable in any situation. Maybe just make a plan. With your mum that either he or you is there with her, not both of you. And then never see him again

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:31

@Karwomannghia

He cannot handle the pressure and is clearly very weak. It must be incredibly difficult for you and your mum. It’s firefighting right now. Don’t ask him to do anything it clearly aggravates him.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t, it was just because I’d just come out of triage and he was right by the shop and it was about to close but I doubt we’ll see or hear from him again for a while
OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:32

@Whataroyalannoyance

Hold on. Your adult brother got in your face, pushed you and kicked you. After calling you a cu*t? Because you dared ask for some help? Fuck that. His behaviour is not acceptable in any situation. Maybe just make a plan. With your mum that either he or you is there with her, not both of you. And then never see him again
Yup, he did say he was acting horribly before and it was obviously a mistake as it set him off
OP posts:
WeatherSystems · 13/07/2021 20:33

You’re expecting something from your brother he won’t or can’t give. He isn’t going to change. Distance yourself as much as possible.

Violence is unacceptable but his comment about how trying more antibiotics etc. is dragging it out isn’t cruel like you’ve taken it imo, a consultant has told you that there’s nothing more they can do and so I agree that continuing to try is more for family to feel like they’ve exhausted every avenue than about the quality of life for the patient. When my own mum was on life support they offered to keep her going a bit longer just to see how it went but said that even if she survived she’d be brain damaged and they gave a 5% chance of her surviving... brother was desperately begging them to keep her alive while I said it’s time to let her go and stop dragging the ending out. It’s from a place of love and being realistic about what’s actually happening, some people cling onto hope while others are more pragmatic but it doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving equally. It’s hard for all three of you.

Keep your distance from your brother and focus on supporting your mother and saying goodbye to your father. You’ll never get these final days back and you’ll look back and regret all of your focus being on him.

Lovelydovey · 13/07/2021 20:33

It is difficult when family members have different views on ongoing care.

Who is making decisions about your DFs care? DF himself, your DM as next of kin, someone else as power of attorney, the medical staff? What involvement does your DB have in those?

It is a valid viewpoint from him that your DF should not have anymore invasive treatment and just be made comfortable. Though it sounds like he isn’t expressing that well and that’s not what your DM wants.

I think it would be worth expressing to him that you understand that viewpoint even if that is not what is agreed upon and it isn’t his decision. The medical or palliative team (if involved) might be able to help explain what is going on and why, and next steps if this does/doesn’t work.

One you’ve done that I think you can then tackle the disgusting way in which he’s expressed those views and how he is reacting towards you and your DM. I’d try and avoid being around him as much as possible and ignore him where not. I know this is a stressful time but I think you would be wise to distance yourself from him once this is over until there is some form of recognition from him for making an already stressful time even more difficult.

WeatherSystems · 13/07/2021 20:36

@Lovelydovey

Doctors take the views of family into account but they ultimately have the right to decide based on what’s best for the patient, they won’t keep someone alive indefinitely if there’s no hope, but will try and balance the family’s wishes if they want a few more hours or days to say goodbye.

DH is a doctor and it’s such a myth that there’s a specific known named next of kin person who gets to ‘make decisions’ and sign off on treatment when it comes to adults. I’ve never known a situation where they ask who is next of kin.

They will do what’s best for OP’s dad, even if family are in disagreement about what that is. Thankfully. As some relatives are obviously in such a state of shock, fear and grief, they’re not able to see past their own emotions to what’s best for their loved one.

lompolo · 13/07/2021 20:38

This is clearly a very difficult time for you all. Everyone copes differently and you can't control anyone else's responses. Focus on your self and don't expect, or ask for, anything off those around you.

baldafrique · 13/07/2021 20:42

What an inadequate man he is. Sorry OP. Must be so tough to have this loser for a brother.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/07/2021 20:46

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I think the pair of you should start supporting your poor Mum who is having to deal with two children whilst her husband is on life support
Please don’t minimise abusive behaviour like this. OP did nothing wrong.