Aibu in thinking my brother is horrible person

[Sleeplessem]

So, I’ve posted on relationships for a hand hold for DF in critical care. Consultants called us today to say they don’t think there is anything more they can do. Mum was distraught and spoke to another consultant and they are willing to give him more time and add more antibiotics and meds to try and ‘prove them wrong’- to which my brother replied- ugh it’s just dragging this out. He’s made several other cold comments that are so hurtful. I’m 5 months pregnant and started having pains so they sent me to triage and thankfully everything is ok but my BP was low and there were ketones in my wee so they said I needed to eat more. Bro was out smoking (4:55 just before shop closed, he was smoking by the shop) mum asked for him to get me a snack and he refused. My mum and I took a taxi to the hospital because I felt too shaky to drive, she asked if he could take us to a restaurant as he drove, it would be otw home for him, he refused.

The big thing for me is, my dad needed aspiration so I asked if he would ask the nurses as he was closestTo the door , he scoffed and refused. I’m said, in anger I’ll admit ‘why are you being such a horrid person’ he nearly stormed out but my mum talked him down. I was upset so I asked the nurses to do it myself and went for a breather to the loo, i came back and he was complaining and making nasty comments about there being too many tubes and wires and waiting here for no reason (my dad is on life support) I walked into this and my mum begging for him to not make these comments and he said well I’m a horrid person according to this c*nt, meaning me, and I said maybe it’s because you talk like that to people at a time like this. He stood up and said ‘you f’ing what’ took his rubber gloves off aggressively and got right up in my face, pushed past me and kicked me in the shins otw out. It’s just made this day so much harder, I needed to vent.

He’s nearly 30 btw and he’s always been uncaring, aggressive and the type of man that would steal x mas money from his elderly grandmother (he did that when he was 23)

This is disgusting right, beyond grief because he doesn’t seem to care…

“Yeah she does want him there he’s always been her favourite”

I think this is telling. Now is not the time for old burning resentments.
Everyone copes with trauma and grief in very different ways. You can’t prescribe how your brother should behave in these presumably unprecedented circumstances. Please, try to just focus on your mum because it seems that between the two of you, you’re making this situation even more difficult for her. You have the power to stop that, right now.

I’m so very sorry that you are all going through this.

@Sleeplessem

My love, ignore him. Focus on you and your mum and dad.

I have been in your position. My DF was on life support several years back as he had pneumonia. I was about 15-16 weeks pregnant and it was the most stressful time of my life. I know how you feel.

Have faith your DF will pull through. My own dad did from what was the brink of death. Keep focussing on your dad and your baby, as well as your mum.

Sending lots of love xx

Can I ask gently why you’re there OP?

Your mum and brother sound like very poison. I’m sorry you endured all of that from them both.

@MrsSkylerWhite

“Yeah she does want him there he’s always been her favourite”

I think this is telling. Now is not the time for old burning resentments.
Everyone copes with trauma and grief in very different ways. You can’t prescribe how your brother should behave in these presumably unprecedented circumstances. Please, try to just focus on your mum because it seems that between the two of you, you’re making this situation even more difficult for her. You have the power to stop that, right now.

I’m so very sorry that you are all going through this.

Can’t lie there are resentments and I’m still afraid of him, but it’s not the point here, I’m burying it or at least pushing it down for now (I’m actually waiting for psychology referral around the abuse but that’s not the point here).

I know people deal in different ways, some are hard to understand but I don’t think he gets to intimidate me, and attack/ assault me. I have feelings too

@Merryoldgoat

Can I ask gently why you’re there OP?

Your mum and brother sound like very poison. I’m sorry you endured all of that from them both.

Due to covid I’ve not seen my dad since 2019. He might not know I love him, what if he thought I didn’t care and it was the last thing he thought?

[quote justawrinkleintime]@Sleeplessem

My love, ignore him. Focus on you and your mum and dad.

I have been in your position. My DF was on life support several years back as he had pneumonia. I was about 15-16 weeks pregnant and it was the most stressful time of my life. I know how you feel.

Have faith your DF will pull through. My own dad did from what was the brink of death. Keep focussing on your dad and your baby, as well as your mum.

Sending lots of love xx[/quote]
Thank you! Thank you!

No one should abuse anyone, especially not men against women. I'm the same as you, cannot tolerate rudeness, cannot keep my mouth shut. Always stick up for my mother even if she doesn't want me to, although my mother wasn't abusive to me and is lovely so there's that difference. Someone needs to teach him a lesson, I might even phone the police on him, make a report say he imitated and assaulted you. I hate bullies. And honestly, I probably wouldn't be there anymore, your mother is trying too hard to appease your prick of a brother, you haven't got a great history and now you've been assaulted. Time to leave and leave your mother to it. I'd go no contact. Look after yourself.

I can see where he is coming from with asking what the point of dragging anything out is - although the way he’s said it and his attitude is shit. My own DF is in hospital at the end of a long illness, and the same thoughts have passed my mind (though I have never and would never voice them)

You need to make a rota of who is there with your mum. Me and my DB get along and we had a rota when my DF was in ICU so we could support mum.

You need to completely ignore your brother, your mum does not need to be dealing with fighting siblings right now.

So sorry to hear of your situation with DF, I’m in a similar place and it’s beyond shit.

@Nicecupofteaandacake

I can see where he is coming from with asking what the point of dragging anything out is - although the way he’s said it and his attitude is shit. My own DF is in hospital at the end of a long illness, and the same thoughts have passed my mind (though I have never and would never voice them)

You need to make a rota of who is there with your mum. Me and my DB get along and we had a rota when my DF was in ICU so we could support mum.

You need to completely ignore your brother, your mum does not need to be dealing with fighting siblings right now.

So sorry to hear of your situation with DF, I’m in a similar place and it’s beyond shit.

I’m sorry about your dad!

My mother is really hurt by him too, he’s been equally shitty to her the past few days and he’s been aggressive to her too. She asked him not to smoke in her house and he aggressively chucked his tea down the sink and stormed out whilst she was begging him to stay. Heartbreaking x

Can’t believe some of the responses yanbu op…as soon as you can go NC with your cunt of a brother and possibly your mother.

@MrsBobDylan

Your Mother and brother don't deserve your support op. Your family is very dysfunctional and I'm afraid to expect more of two people who have both been physically abusive to you to suddenly become decent human beings is unrealistic.

Please, please look after yourself. Go home to your husband and child and rest up. Ask the hospital to call you if anything changes. Say everything you want to say to your Dad before you leave, even though he's not conscious.

So sorry

This is such good advice. You really need to put yourself and your baby first, they don’t deserve your support.

He kicked you in the shins whilst pregnant?

Get through the next few weeks as peacefully as you can. I too lost my dad a few years ago and I’ve never experienced pain like it. Like you, I wish I’d had chance to say all I wanted to say to him but unfortunately he went suddenly. I hope that it’s different for you.

Anyway, I digress, once this is all over you need to go as low contact with your brother. As much as you possibly can without hurting your mum. I dread to think what sort of a husband he would be. I’m glad that you’re getting help to work through the abuse you’ve suffered.

@Blacktothepink

Can’t believe some of the responses yanbu op…as soon as you can go NC with your cunt of a brother and possibly your mother.

Thank you! Some of them reduced me to tears. It never fails to surprise me how mean people can be behind a computer screen. My mother has gone out, so I’m alone in a house that isn’t mine, dh and dc at the other end of th country and some of those replies were just so mean.

But thank you for your sympathy x

“Can’t lie there are resentments and I’m still afraid of him, but it’s not the point here, I’m burying it or at least pushing it down for now (I’m actually waiting for psychology referral around the abuse but that’s not the point here).

I know people deal in different ways, some are hard to understand but I don’t think he gets to intimidate me, and attack/ assault me. I have feelings too”

No. He doesn’t. My brother is a horrible person too, for what sound like very similar reasons. He was also the favourite, even though he used to beat my mother, too.

I haven’t had contact with him for 25 years for those reasons but if I suddenly found myself in the situation you are in (unlikely because my dad was worse and I’ve no idea where he is/if he’s still alive) I would, I think, try to focus on my mum and not interact with him. My brother did love my dad though and I imagine would behave in exactly the same way that yours is because he would know no other way of dealing with the situation.

For your own well-being, concentrate on your dad, your mum and what needs to be done here and just try to get through with as little additional distress to you and to her as possible.

Again, so very sorry.

Your Brother sounds like a typical traumatised child to be honest - emotionally unavailable and angry.
The fact you are waiting for therapy speaks volumes.
Go visit your Dad, tell him you love him - he will know - and hearing is the last sense to go when someone is on End of Life care.

Sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful.
Your Brother sounds incredibly petulant, avoidant and emotionally childlike

I have a very similar brother. It is all very well saying to ignore him. The last times he was violent or threatened to punch / deck me was totally unprovoked. The violence and threats were because he refuses to believe I’m disabled and chronically ill.

My brother is also the golden child. Right now you are supporting your mum. However, going forward, I can thoroughly recommend no contact. Or if you prefer very low contact.

Right now you do need to keep as much distance from your brother and obviously not engage. But it is more than that is about physically protecting yourself. He has no scruples injuring a pregnant woman in the same way as my brother has no scruples pushing over a disabled woman.

We are pretty much NC in ‘ordinary’ circumstances or very low contact, only really communicate when we’re both in the same place at the same time and then it’s small talk. He usually less confrontational because my husband is around.

I’m not sure if he’s traumatised, perhaps he is, as to be truthful hes always been extremely physically aggressive and, often when I’d be getting ‘physically disciplined’ would join in with it. I’ve rationalised it as learned behaviour, never had any consequences for violent or unacceptable behaviour so learned it was ok. He’d never attack a man, although he had hit my father a few times but he’s quite a small man. It was mainly me and then when I left my mother he used to attack.

Your mum was abusive. She favours your brother. Your father was absent. Your brother was violent.

This ☝️

I think your brother's attitude stems from childhood. Your mother was abusive to you (and possibly him) and he sees this as acceptable behaviour.

I don't think you should worry too much about your Mum. Make sure your Dad knows you're there. Can you afford a Travelodge or something?

What sort of abuse did your Mum subject you to?

Stay safe especially if you're pregnant.

Your father would want you to get as far away from them as possible if he loved you.. It sounds like a horrendous situation and you are always going to come out bottom with a bully like him and your mum as an abuser. Your baby deserves so much more, please think about stopping history from repeating itself. I am so sorry for your situation and hope your father finds his peace x

I think say anything you need to say to your father. (Remember you can both love him and be angry with him for your childhood.. two things can be true at the same time.) Then leave. You need to prioritise yourself and your unborn child. Just as your parents should have prioritised and protected you.
OP.

@converseandjeans

What sort of abuse did your Mum subject you to?

Stay safe especially if you're pregnant.

Physical and emotional abuse. The last time she attacked was 10 years ago. Emotionally this has continued but lessened. Now she’s largely just very self absorbed and will never acknowledge the harm she’s done (hence me trying to get some closure from a psychologist).

My brother hasn’t struck me since we’ve been LC until today, it continued into adulthood. I’m a lot smaller than him so fighting back never worked.

@converseandjeans

Your mum was abusive. She favours your brother. Your father was absent. Your brother was violent.

This ☝️

I think your brother's attitude stems from childhood. Your mother was abusive to you (and possibly him) and he sees this as acceptable behaviour.

I don't think you should worry too much about your Mum. Make sure your Dad knows you're there. Can you afford a Travelodge or something?

I’m physically safe where I am, unfortunately it’s a very remote region so there aren’t any options around other accommodation and I just spent an ungodly amount of money on a taxi to drive me the 3.5 hrs down on the night of the euros, so my saving money/ fun money for this month has gone.

She never laid a finger on him, the only time I remember him getting anything close was when I spilled some of his favourite childhood cereal on the floor by accident and he went mad and my dad had to pull him off me and drag him out of the room because he kept coming xx

sleeplessem

Honestly they both sound awful. I think you should go home and stay safe. Sorry they are both so nasty to you. It's obviously been normalised over the years. You don't need this.

Sorry but why are you even there? Let me get this straight: your dad buggered off, your mum physically abused you and now your brother is behaving aggressively and abusively? I’d tell the pair of them to fuck off and have no more to do with them if I were you (and I’m not just saying that, I have gone NC with a toxic family member myself). Easier said than done I know but you have a choice as to whether you put yourself through this. Fuck obligation, fuck ‘family ties’. It means nothing if the people are abusive.