Aibu in thinking my brother is horrible person

[Sleeplessem]

So, I’ve posted on relationships for a hand hold for DF in critical care. Consultants called us today to say they don’t think there is anything more they can do. Mum was distraught and spoke to another consultant and they are willing to give him more time and add more antibiotics and meds to try and ‘prove them wrong’- to which my brother replied- ugh it’s just dragging this out. He’s made several other cold comments that are so hurtful. I’m 5 months pregnant and started having pains so they sent me to triage and thankfully everything is ok but my BP was low and there were ketones in my wee so they said I needed to eat more. Bro was out smoking (4:55 just before shop closed, he was smoking by the shop) mum asked for him to get me a snack and he refused. My mum and I took a taxi to the hospital because I felt too shaky to drive, she asked if he could take us to a restaurant as he drove, it would be otw home for him, he refused.

The big thing for me is, my dad needed aspiration so I asked if he would ask the nurses as he was closestTo the door , he scoffed and refused. I’m said, in anger I’ll admit ‘why are you being such a horrid person’ he nearly stormed out but my mum talked him down. I was upset so I asked the nurses to do it myself and went for a breather to the loo, i came back and he was complaining and making nasty comments about there being too many tubes and wires and waiting here for no reason (my dad is on life support) I walked into this and my mum begging for him to not make these comments and he said well I’m a horrid person according to this c*nt, meaning me, and I said maybe it’s because you talk like that to people at a time like this. He stood up and said ‘you f’ing what’ took his rubber gloves off aggressively and got right up in my face, pushed past me and kicked me in the shins otw out. It’s just made this day so much harder, I needed to vent.

He’s nearly 30 btw and he’s always been uncaring, aggressive and the type of man that would steal x mas money from his elderly grandmother (he did that when he was 23)

This is disgusting right, beyond grief because he doesn’t seem to care…

@MrsSkylerWhite

“Yeah she does want him there he’s always been her favourite”

I think this is telling. Now is not the time for old burning resentments.
Everyone copes with trauma and grief in very different ways. You can’t prescribe how your brother should behave in these presumably unprecedented circumstances. Please, try to just focus on your mum because it seems that between the two of you, you’re making this situation even more difficult for her. You have the power to stop that, right now.

I’m so very sorry that you are all going through this.

What the fuck?! He assaulted her and you’re telling OP SHE is making it worse? All of us have experienced a death or will experience one if we haven’t already and most people don’t see that as carte blanche to go round kicking people in the shins. What on earth are you guilt tripping OP for?

You both grow up in a abusive home you both react differently sound like your brother does not process thinks normally, and reacts in anger which is not right but at the same time it sound like you are bugging him pressuring him to be something he can't be just focus on yourself and your df no one else would even be better if you don't speak to him full stop

Cunts will be cunts OP. It’s a bit silly to expect your brother who’s always been a bastard by the sounds of it to suddenly turn into a loving caring family member.
Just steer clear of him while you’re helping your mum, don’t have any expectations of him and he can’t disappoint you. When you go home go NC with him and your mum if she was abusive.

If your dad was absent and your mum was abusive then neither of them deserve your support. Sounds like your brother is a product of his upbringing and he shouldn't be expected to be there either.

For your own safety and wellbeing get home to your family as soon as you can.

Eugh hes one these who will be expecting unlimited tolerance for his behaviour when he dramatically announces hes depressed, like every old school/general bully currently.

Your brother's behaviour is vile and there is no excuse for it. I do understand his comments about dragging it out to an extent, it could've been put to you all in a much nicer way though. You don't need to tell him to get a nurse, or food or anything like that, in the nicest way look after yourself and your mum. I feel sorry for her having to deal with all of this

'I feel sorry for her having to deal with all of this'

I don't. I think OP's mother and brother are abusive inadequates, and she has been sadly indoctrinated into thinking she has to hang in because they're family. Fuck that.

@Sleeplessem

We are pretty much NC in ‘ordinary’ circumstances or very low contact, only really communicate when we’re both in the same place at the same time and then it’s small talk. He usually less confrontational because my husband is around.

I’m not sure if he’s traumatised, perhaps he is, as to be truthful hes always been extremely physically aggressive and, often when I’d be getting ‘physically disciplined’ would join in with it. I’ve rationalised it as learned behaviour, never had any consequences for violent or unacceptable behaviour so learned it was ok. He’d never attack a man, although he had hit my father a few times but he’s quite a small man. It was mainly me and then when I left my mother he used to attack.

Oh OP.... your mother and brother would both 'physically disipline' you.

Why are you even there? You don't owe them anything.

Dear Sleeplessem, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through what a horrible and sad situation. The best bit of advice I can give you is expect nothing from you Brother and then he can’t disappoint you or hurt you. Don’t ask him for anything or help advice or his opinion. Leave that to your Mam I know she is going through a tough time but she has created a toxic situation between her children and no matter what you do you cannot change that. If she gives out about your brother just nod your head don’t say anything. No matter what you do it will twisted to be your fault.I am so sorry about your Dad and hope he recovers. Take care of yourself

This sounds like a difficult situation. From what you have said about your family and the abuse from your mother, it seems like your brother has been conditioned to be like he is. Probably best to expect nothing from him as he doesn't sound capable of being decent. Please look after yourself first as he could be violent again. You don't owe these abusers anything, though obviously you want to be there for your Dad. Thank goodness you have your own life away from them.

Wow, some of the comments on this thread are outrageously callous.

OP I hope you can ignore them. There is something wrong with people who jump to making excuses for violent men who.attack pregnant women.

Your brother sounds dangerous. Are you worried he might be violent again? Can you speak to hospital staff quietly about the situation and just let them know you're concerned about his behaviour towards you?

He sounds like a horrible piece of work! I'd really try to minimise the amount of time you spend in his company. Just because you're siblings doesn't mean you have to have anything more to do with him than the absolute bare minimum. Take care and try and rise above this vile, self-centred parasite.

[quote WeatherSystems]@Lovelydovey

Doctors take the views of family into account but they ultimately have the right to decide based on what’s best for the patient, they won’t keep someone alive indefinitely if there’s no hope, but will try and balance the family’s wishes if they want a few more hours or days to say goodbye.

DH is a doctor and it’s such a myth that there’s a specific known named next of kin person who gets to ‘make decisions’ and sign off on treatment when it comes to adults. I’ve never known a situation where they ask who is next of kin.

They will do what’s best for OP’s dad, even if family are in disagreement about what that is. Thankfully. As some relatives are obviously in such a state of shock, fear and grief, they’re not able to see past their own emotions to what’s best for their loved one.[/quote]
For decisions when someone lacks mental capacity, clinicians must consult the closest family member as an advocate for the patient. If they don't have family the clinicians should instruct an independent advocate.

The clinicians are sometimes the decision makers (sometimes not if the person has a LPA or court appointed deputy).

If family disagree about a treatment or should be escalated to the High Court. If drs aren't doing this they and their employers could be in serious trouble, especially where life sustaining treatment is concerned.

OP I'm sorry your dad is in critical care and all that you are dealing with must be very hard emotipnally and physically draining.

If you feel unsafe with you brother around, talk to the team looking after your dad privately, they can either make sure security are present in the background or have a quite word with you brother.

Abusive behaviour is not allowed or tolerated in critical unit, is unsafe and unfair on other patients, their loveds ones and staff.

Take care.

be strong op.
dont forget your focus - which should be for your dad to have a peaceful time

your dad needs a good death op, make that your priority. blot out any thoughts towards your db

I would be reporting him for assault. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Seriously sometimes I think AIBU is just filled with trolls salivating at the prospect of tearing down vulnerable women.

A pregnant woman was physically assaulted by a man. And it’s the pregnant woman’s fault she must appease him.

Fuck. That!

OP go home. Take care of yourself and be with people who treat you with love and respect and will take care of you, you’re pregnant and need to take care of yourself.
Clearly neither your mum or brother are looking out for you, and your brother is putting you in danger. I’d worry about his violence quickly escalating.

My brother once squared up to me, I said something he didn’t like, as he advanced on me menacingly, I told him clearly I would call the police and make sure he faced consequences of his actions. Completely took the wind out of his sails as he knew I meant it.
It was the last time I spoke to the bastard.

I just wanted to clarify my dad wasn’t an absent father in the deadbeat sense, he worked abroad to provide for us. I don’t recall but at a point we fell on serious financial hardship and piled up debt and the only way out was this job abroad, that paid well, but it meant living in the states, Australia and just moving around the globe. It sucked but he made that sacrifice.

Someone said I’m bugging my brother to do things. His comments have floored them consultants and nurses looking after my dad with how hurtful and insensitive they are- they’ve even jumped in and stopped him a few times. And after those occasions, I have asked him to please reign in the attitude. I don’t think that’s bugging someone to do something. It is common decency to not smoke around a pregnant person in an enclosed space so it’s not bugging him to ask him to smoke outside, and as to giving him a call to pick up a snack when he was literally right next to the shop, it’s convenience. How is the bar of decency set so low for men that basic things are excused as bugging them?

"he didn’t get anything abuse wise"

He was severely emotionally abused, at least. It's times like this when you can't bury abusive childhoods and pretend that they didn't happen. Your Mother is reaping what she's sown. She still isn't protecting you. That might hurt, but you are using your brother to deflect how you should be feeling about your Mother. Focus on your Dad. Then when he's gone, read around losing abusive parents. It brings up so much stuff.
As for trying treatment options, sometimes you've got to accept that you've come to the end and it is dragging things out. We've been lucky that we've all been in agreement, including our dying relative, that enough is enough. We've been able to speak about that beforehand. So I wouldn't condemn your brother for being honest.
I'd criticise your Mother for allowing you to get physically run down. My pregnant daughter would trump my dying husband. I say that as someone who is widowed. I don't think that in this dynamic you are used to having your needs met and that needs to change. Why are you risking your babies health for this? Why do you think that you have to step up to the plate to the level that you are?

It could be that your brother sees you killing yourself for two people who don't deserve it and is just refusing to get involved.

@HappyMeal654

Your brother's behaviour is vile and there is no excuse for it. I do understand his comments about dragging it out to an extent, it could've been put to you all in a much nicer way though. You don't need to tell him to get a nurse, or food or anything like that, in the nicest way look after yourself and your mum. I feel sorry for her having to deal with all of this

Actually yes I did. That was 2 tiny things In one day. I can’t believe how low the bar is for men. So because I asked that, it’s ok for him to rip of his gloves and square up against me and crack his knuckles and then boot me in the shins otw out. This is a man in his mid 30s too, not a child a grown man.

If you read the post, there were chairs by my fathers bedside and quite a few important wires and cables by our feet. My brothers chair was closest to the door and there was a nurse outside. My father was unable to cough to clear his chest so they were aspirating at times and said to us, if he sounds rattley come get us and we’ll help. He sounded rattley. I was still having pain (the reason they sent me to triage) and seated furtherest from the door, he was closest. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask him to get up and walk the 1meter to a nurse.

Re the food, I stated having abdominal pains (I’m pregnant) so got sent to triage. They found ketones in my urine so encouraged me to eat more and for someone to get me a snack. This was at 4;55, I called my mum and asked if they had anything, she said perfect no worries DB is having a smoke outside, i gave him £10 earlier for food, I’ll ask he can get something. She called him to check he was outside still, yeah, he was and asked him to get something with the money she gave him, he refused and hung up. I went down to the shop and by the time I got there it was closed.

There’s an awfully big back story here op - it’s not as simple as supporting a dear elderly mother and a grief struck brother.
My only advice to you would be to (in your head) step away for a moment. Breathe and make sure you get food into you regularly.
Your health and growing baby is YOUR priority. Keep yourself from losing your temper, not for anyone else’s benefit but because it won’t do you any good.
And just do the right thing as you see it. You’ll not regret supporting your mum despite any previous behaviours from her. And you’ll not regret keeping calm when your brother is being an arsehole despite the fact that he is an arsehole.
Hold your head up and do nothing that you’ll regret. For your own head. Expect very little from your brother. Don’t get caught up in bad behaviours and the disappointment of other people’s reactions and lose sight of the big picture. Good luck

@Ponoka7

"he didn’t get anything abuse wise"

He was severely emotionally abused, at least. It's times like this when you can't bury abusive childhoods and pretend that they didn't happen. Your Mother is reaping what she's sown. She still isn't protecting you. That might hurt, but you are using your brother to deflect how you should be feeling about your Mother. Focus on your Dad. Then when he's gone, read around losing abusive parents. It brings up so much stuff.
As for trying treatment options, sometimes you've got to accept that you've come to the end and it is dragging things out. We've been lucky that we've all been in agreement, including our dying relative, that enough is enough. We've been able to speak about that beforehand. So I wouldn't condemn your brother for being honest.
I'd criticise your Mother for allowing you to get physically run down. My pregnant daughter would trump my dying husband. I say that as someone who is widowed. I don't think that in this dynamic you are used to having your needs met and that needs to change. Why are you risking your babies health for this? Why do you think that you have to step up to the plate to the level that you are?

It could be that your brother sees you killing yourself for two people who don't deserve it and is just refusing to get involved.

Yes seeing a younger sibling be physically abused is traumatic, but he would join in and instigate things. With all due respect I’m not projecting anything onto him, he basically attacked me because I asked him to grab a nurse and he did it in front of my poorly dad so he had to hear him calling me all those things.

I didn’t realise I was as run down as I was, I was making a concerted effort to eat well, but obviously it wasn’t enough. I’m grateful that I went to triage and they were able to tell me so I couldn’t rectify this.

I’m not sure if it’s him seeing me kill myself for them and separating himself. I won’t go into the details as you don’t know him (obviously) but it’s just not how he thinks

A few years ago now when I was expecting my 3rd my father was in the same situation as yours and I suddenly had a half brother who I barely knew to deal with. I'm fortunate that my mother was great, but it was a very complicated situation and she fell apart when my dad was dying so it was very much he and I having to quickly navigate our relationship in stressful times.

It immediately became evident that he loathed me, the venom was like nothing I've ever experienced, and no matter what I did or said I was shot down in flames. He'd done very well for himself, but I've since discovered that he was using to deal with stress at work so that probably didn't help.

I dealt with it by pretending I was at work and that he was a client that I just couldn't rise to. Each time I saw my dad I'd say hi to my brother, then would chat to dad as if he was conscious and if I was sitting with him I'd read aloud to him if I didn't feel comfortable chatting whilst my brother was there. I also gave him alone time so he couldn't accuse me of taking over. Just a simple " I'm sure you'd like a bit of time to chat by yourself, I'll be back in x amount of time" then immediately leaving, no discussion so no flash points.

Truth is you can't make him like you, and you can't make him behave decently. All you can do is get through this in such a way that when you look back you can hold your head high and know that you did your best. His conscience is for him to deal with, you've enough on your plate so tune out wherever possible.

You sound like a lovely person to be there and be fighting your mother's corner after having had a difficult upbringing. It's a shame that he's being awful to her, but (and I mean this kindly) you've done all you can, if she wants to beg and plead with him then let her, you've your own family to raise you can't fix the problems that she's caused in hers. Sending you a hug x

I’ve been thinking about this and tried to put myself in your place and I think that maybe:

1. Go and see your dad on your own, lie next to him if you can and tell him everything you want to. Tell yourself he can hear you.
2. Your mum has forfeited any expectations of you because of her past behaviour and refusal to acknowledge it now. Now may not be the time for recriminations with her but tell her you can’t stay and put your baby and own health at risk and you need to go home.
3. I really hope your father recovers but either way do not visit again without your husband, especially if your brother lives with your mum. If he doesn’t then refuse to see him again. You don’t need your child(ren) exposing to that sort of toxicity.
4. If you want a relationship with your mum going forward then I think maybe she should visit you and she owes you time to hear you out about your past. If she freshest to acknowledge or apologise for it, decide if you want her in your life at all.

God bless and go home. X