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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu in thinking my brother is horrible person

132 replies

Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 19:52

So, I’ve posted on relationships for a hand hold for DF in critical care. Consultants called us today to say they don’t think there is anything more they can do. Mum was distraught and spoke to another consultant and they are willing to give him more time and add more antibiotics and meds to try and ‘prove them wrong’- to which my brother replied- ugh it’s just dragging this out. He’s made several other cold comments that are so hurtful. I’m 5 months pregnant and started having pains so they sent me to triage and thankfully everything is ok but my BP was low and there were ketones in my wee so they said I needed to eat more. Bro was out smoking (4:55 just before shop closed, he was smoking by the shop) mum asked for him to get me a snack and he refused. My mum and I took a taxi to the hospital because I felt too shaky to drive, she asked if he could take us to a restaurant as he drove, it would be otw home for him, he refused.

The big thing for me is, my dad needed aspiration so I asked if he would ask the nurses as he was closestTo the door , he scoffed and refused. I’m said, in anger I’ll admit ‘why are you being such a horrid person’ he nearly stormed out but my mum talked him down. I was upset so I asked the nurses to do it myself and went for a breather to the loo, i came back and he was complaining and making nasty comments about there being too many tubes and wires and waiting here for no reason (my dad is on life support) I walked into this and my mum begging for him to not make these comments and he said well I’m a horrid person according to this c*nt, meaning me, and I said maybe it’s because you talk like that to people at a time like this. He stood up and said ‘you f’ing what’ took his rubber gloves off aggressively and got right up in my face, pushed past me and kicked me in the shins otw out. It’s just made this day so much harder, I needed to vent.

He’s nearly 30 btw and he’s always been uncaring, aggressive and the type of man that would steal x mas money from his elderly grandmother (he did that when he was 23)

This is disgusting right, beyond grief because he doesn’t seem to care…

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 13/07/2021 20:47

I'm sorry your brother is so awful. You can't change him though, and there is no point trying - you might as well ask a fish to fly. Given your mum was abusive to you, she's very lucky you're willing to support her at all. Given all that, I would give whatever support you feel able or willing to and not a shred more and not feel guilty if you have to draw a line and step away.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 20:49

@WeatherSystems

You’re expecting something from your brother he won’t or can’t give. He isn’t going to change. Distance yourself as much as possible.

Violence is unacceptable but his comment about how trying more antibiotics etc. is dragging it out isn’t cruel like you’ve taken it imo, a consultant has told you that there’s nothing more they can do and so I agree that continuing to try is more for family to feel like they’ve exhausted every avenue than about the quality of life for the patient. When my own mum was on life support they offered to keep her going a bit longer just to see how it went but said that even if she survived she’d be brain damaged and they gave a 5% chance of her surviving... brother was desperately begging them to keep her alive while I said it’s time to let her go and stop dragging the ending out. It’s from a place of love and being realistic about what’s actually happening, some people cling onto hope while others are more pragmatic but it doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving equally. It’s hard for all three of you.

Keep your distance from your brother and focus on supporting your mother and saying goodbye to your father. You’ll never get these final days back and you’ll look back and regret all of your focus being on him.

I totally get what you’re saying and to an extent i agree, but a more snr consultant has agreed it’s beneficial to try a few more things. It’s not so much what he said, it was how he said it. It wasn’t in a caring compassionate way for my dad and quality of life, it was ugh I want to go home and you’re dragging this out with an eye role. It’s the tone that was the difference here but I can’t really convey it here how it was said
OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 13/07/2021 20:52

Your Mother and brother don't deserve your support op. Your family is very dysfunctional and I'm afraid to expect more of two people who have both been physically abusive to you to suddenly become decent human beings is unrealistic.

Please, please look after yourself. Go home to your husband and child and rest up. Ask the hospital to call you if anything changes. Say everything you want to say to your Dad before you leave, even though he's not conscious.

So sorry Thanks

Notashandyta · 13/07/2021 20:55

So sorry you're going through all this, especially 5 months pregnant.

Don't expect anything off him then you can't be disappointed.

From what you've said about all 3 of them in the past, and the fact you have your own pregnancy to consider, I'd say you need to only do what you can and no more. And make sure you eat and look after yourself.

chickenyhead · 13/07/2021 20:55

So he kicked off at a pregnant woman and wants his dad to die?

He sounds sweet.

Do whatever you have to do to be there. Then once this is sadly all over, NC the lot of them.

He is Scum.

Mountaingoatling · 13/07/2021 20:57

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gah2teenagers · 13/07/2021 20:59

@MrsBobDylan

Your Mother and brother don't deserve your support op. Your family is very dysfunctional and I'm afraid to expect more of two people who have both been physically abusive to you to suddenly become decent human beings is unrealistic.

Please, please look after yourself. Go home to your husband and child and rest up. Ask the hospital to call you if anything changes. Say everything you want to say to your Dad before you leave, even though he's not conscious.

So sorry Thanks

Could not agree more with this. Go home and look after yourself or you are going to make yourself ill.
MilesOfSand · 13/07/2021 21:00

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I think the pair of you should start supporting your poor Mum who is having to deal with two children whilst her husband is on life support
No, there’s never a reason that abusive behaviour from a man is something a woman needs to deal with.
Crunchyorsmooth · 13/07/2021 21:03

@Royalbloo

Maybe he's just not coping with it all? Sounds like he's in a world of his own pain to me?
Yes, I’m sure the OP was too after he kicked her in the shin and called her a cunt.

Some odd comments here. He sounds horrible OP, look after yourself, and put yourself first. I hope you’ve managed to eat and drink something and are at home resting.

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2021 21:04

Your mum was abusive. She favours your brother. Your father was absent. Your brother was violent.

There is a lot here to unpick but YABU to expect any kind of care of kindness from these people. It sounds like they’ve never done anything good for you. Why would they start now?

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 21:04

@Mountaingoatling

Why are you obsessing over your own brother when your Dad is dying. It's really weird.
That’s disgusting comment to say to someone. I hope no one is as unkind to you as you have been to me as this minute.

I’ve been at hospital since 4am this morning and just left now. My brothers actions did hurt me, I think I can be hurt by them. I didn’t want to talk to my mother about this as it might be upsetting but I did need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 13/07/2021 21:04

I think you need to stop asking you brother to do things… he seems incapable of doing simple tasks. I agree with other - please distances your self and do these tasks your self or take a taxi.

Your brother is probably there for your mum’s sake and in some ways for himself.

Try to support your mum more by not fighting and stop engaging with your incapable brother.

HerMammy · 13/07/2021 21:05

Your DF lived abroad? so are your parents long divorced?
If you were abused, who knows what your brother has been through; not that justifies his behaviour. I don’t think you can expect him to be emotional about parents that to be fair sound pretty crap.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 21:10

@HerMammy

Your DF lived abroad? so are your parents long divorced? If you were abused, who knows what your brother has been through; not that justifies his behaviour. I don’t think you can expect him to be emotional about parents that to be fair sound pretty crap.
No not divorced he just worked abroad and came back when he retired. My brother was definitely socialised to think violence is ok and it’s something hes after on. But in and as of himself, he didn’t get anything abuse wise, he’d join in.
OP posts:
Kentuki · 13/07/2021 21:14

I feel tremendously sad and sorry for both of you. You have both been abused, and he’s damaged - perhaps you are more resilient or damaged in a different way, only you know. But he’s not capable of kindness or compassion and that’s his burden.

I would go home to my loving family and leave this behind for now.

FeelingVfrustrated · 13/07/2021 21:14

@imaginethemdragons

You sound like absolute nightmare visitors for the staff and your poor mum.

Don’t think for one minute that this behaviour has gone unnoticed by the staff.
They will be watching and will have him removed if he is being aggressive, using vile language and being intimidating.
It will not be tolerated.
But you need to sort yourselves out and fast.

Wow talk about being very unhelpful and condescending. Have a word with yourself
Mountaingoatling · 13/07/2021 21:15

I'm confused if this is a post about your Dad and you wanting the best for him, or a public effort to gather abuse against the brother, though. I find it odd.

Theunamedcat · 13/07/2021 21:15

Are you needed there? Are you wanted there? If they were that bad why are you even putting yourself through this

FWIW my mom was abusive growing up she tried it again as an adult and found herself alone you cant argue and abuse what isnt there

baldafrique · 13/07/2021 21:15

Some weird AF posters on this thread. Hope you're OK, OP.

Wheretobuy · 13/07/2021 21:19

From someone who has been there, could it be that your brother is grieving in his own way? I know it sounds hard to let go of your father but if doctors are at the stage where they have to try and prove the other group wrong, what would your father prefer for himself at this stage? There are times when I have seen relatives struggle with the decision to keep going or letting go. In nearly all these cases, I would have preferred to let go if I were the patient myself because it was the kindest option for the patient.
Your family is going through such a rough time so it is only natural you feel so aggrieved. Flowers

tallduckandhandsome · 13/07/2021 21:20

@Mountaingoatling

I'm confused if this is a post about your Dad and you wanting the best for him, or a public effort to gather abuse against the brother, though. I find it odd.
I find your lack of empathy and incessant needling of OP odd,
Ozanj · 13/07/2021 21:20

I think you need to put your unborn child first and leave. Your Mum and Brother can sort it out themselves and I presume your dad is too sick to even notice you are there.

gigglybum · 13/07/2021 21:21

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I think the pair of you should start supporting your poor Mum who is having to deal with two children whilst her husband is on life support
You what? Her brothers clearly a prick of epic proportions
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 21:22

@Mountaingoatling

I'm confused if this is a post about your Dad and you wanting the best for him, or a public effort to gather abuse against the brother, though. I find it odd.
I find your comments odd and hurtful. I’m hurt by my brothers actions In some of the worst days of my life, whilst going through a high risk pregnancy.

Please don’t comment further

OP posts:
gigglybum · 13/07/2021 21:23

@Royalbloo

Maybe he's just not coping with it all? Sounds like he's in a world of his own pain to me?
Sounds like he's a cunt more like... you can't kick people in the shins and just say 'oops I'm in a world of my own pain' let's not make lousy excuses for abusive violent arseholes
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