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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu in thinking my brother is horrible person

132 replies

Sleeplessem · 13/07/2021 19:52

So, I’ve posted on relationships for a hand hold for DF in critical care. Consultants called us today to say they don’t think there is anything more they can do. Mum was distraught and spoke to another consultant and they are willing to give him more time and add more antibiotics and meds to try and ‘prove them wrong’- to which my brother replied- ugh it’s just dragging this out. He’s made several other cold comments that are so hurtful. I’m 5 months pregnant and started having pains so they sent me to triage and thankfully everything is ok but my BP was low and there were ketones in my wee so they said I needed to eat more. Bro was out smoking (4:55 just before shop closed, he was smoking by the shop) mum asked for him to get me a snack and he refused. My mum and I took a taxi to the hospital because I felt too shaky to drive, she asked if he could take us to a restaurant as he drove, it would be otw home for him, he refused.

The big thing for me is, my dad needed aspiration so I asked if he would ask the nurses as he was closestTo the door , he scoffed and refused. I’m said, in anger I’ll admit ‘why are you being such a horrid person’ he nearly stormed out but my mum talked him down. I was upset so I asked the nurses to do it myself and went for a breather to the loo, i came back and he was complaining and making nasty comments about there being too many tubes and wires and waiting here for no reason (my dad is on life support) I walked into this and my mum begging for him to not make these comments and he said well I’m a horrid person according to this c*nt, meaning me, and I said maybe it’s because you talk like that to people at a time like this. He stood up and said ‘you f’ing what’ took his rubber gloves off aggressively and got right up in my face, pushed past me and kicked me in the shins otw out. It’s just made this day so much harder, I needed to vent.

He’s nearly 30 btw and he’s always been uncaring, aggressive and the type of man that would steal x mas money from his elderly grandmother (he did that when he was 23)

This is disgusting right, beyond grief because he doesn’t seem to care…

OP posts:
Twinsmum2003 · 14/07/2021 09:56

Refuses not freshest!

Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 09:59

You’re expecting something from your brother he won’t or can’t give. He isn’t going to change. Distance yourself as much as possible

Very wise words

starrynight87 · 14/07/2021 10:01

This sounds so awful for you.

Just try to get through the minutes, and go no-contact as soon as you can with him.

Sciurus83 · 14/07/2021 10:04

I voted YABU but I mean it kindly, and not to imply that the way he is behaving is in any way OK it absolutely isn't. But why are you there? All three of these people have treated you horribly, yet you are putting them all above yourself and putting yourself in an awful situation again for them. You are worried that your father will think you didn't love him? You know you did, you don't need to torture yourself with that. You are hoping and wishing that your brother would come through as a decent person when you know he's not and never has been. And you're doing all this for a mother who was abusive, putting her feelings way way above your own and putting yourself in this horrible position. It's OK to walk away, your family won't miraculously become better people because of the situation you're in. It's sad and I really feel for you but put yourself first, none of these other people are thinking about you.

Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 10:04

@Sciurus83

I voted YABU but I mean it kindly, and not to imply that the way he is behaving is in any way OK it absolutely isn't. But why are you there? All three of these people have treated you horribly, yet you are putting them all above yourself and putting yourself in an awful situation again for them. You are worried that your father will think you didn't love him? You know you did, you don't need to torture yourself with that. You are hoping and wishing that your brother would come through as a decent person when you know he's not and never has been. And you're doing all this for a mother who was abusive, putting her feelings way way above your own and putting yourself in this horrible position. It's OK to walk away, your family won't miraculously become better people because of the situation you're in. It's sad and I really feel for you but put yourself first, none of these other people are thinking about you.
Yes I agree completely with this.
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 10:19

I’m there for my dad and for me too, I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t come when he was so poorly. He didn’t treat me horribly though, as an adult I can see the sacrifice he made, as a kid I felt abandoned but I do think he did his best.

I’m not expecting DB to change and become a loving caring person, although I can’t lie I’d hoped he could be kinder. My dad just gave him a house deposit and a car in the last year but some people are beyond redemption. But I didn’t deserve to be intimidated and basically assaulted.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 10:24

You don't know your brother outside of this toxic dynamic. Away from you all and he might be a different person. Sounds as though your Dad threw him some compensation.
There's still no questioning of your Mum and her not protecting you?

Mandalay246 · 14/07/2021 10:25

Please, please look after yourself. Go home to your husband and child and rest up. Ask the hospital to call you if anything changes. Say everything you want to say to your Dad before you leave, even though he's not conscious.

This is very good advice. You need to distance yourself from both your DM and your DB and put yourself and your DH and child first. Your family sound dysfunctional, and you owe them nothing. Flowers

Sadiecow · 14/07/2021 10:28

You cannot be at the hospital together, have a schedule of when each of you will be.

It's not fair on you, your DM, DF, staff or any other patients or visitors near you,

Defuse the situation by not meeting there.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 10:31

@Ponoka7

You don't know your brother outside of this toxic dynamic. Away from you all and he might be a different person. Sounds as though your Dad threw him some compensation. There's still no questioning of your Mum and her not protecting you?
She never has, so she’d not start now. She’d let him hit chunks out of me as a child and often get him involved. She doesn’t acknowledge that her ‘discipline’ was actually child abuse and maintains I deserved it. But no one deserves to be pushed outside in a towel in feb because they used the wrong shampoo or pulled down stairs by their hair. I asked her if she saw him and she said she didn’t see him kick me but saw him square up to me and was ‘watching’ but she didn’t say anything. I know she ‘should’ have intervened but it would never happen.

But it’s ok for him to attack a pregnant person because according to you I don’t know him away from this scenario? Maybe he’s different but most bullies are just bullies

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 10:34

So your dad left you to be looked after by a physically abusive parent? Maybe he's not the good guy.

Sciurus83 · 14/07/2021 10:36

Absolutely no one has said what your brother has done is ok. He's awful, what he's done is vile and you're retraumatising yourself and making yourself ill being there. You've done enough, allow yourself the grace to step back and look after your own and your baby's health now.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 10:40

@Bryonyshcmyony

So your dad left you to be looked after by a physically abusive parent? Maybe he's not the good guy.
Prior to my dad leaving my mother was actually fine. Maybe a smack bum if really naughty but a few things happened after he left, him leaving being the catalyst but she changed and became angry and aggressive. And it was me that got it
OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 10:54

@Twinsmum2003

I’ve been thinking about this and tried to put myself in your place and I think that maybe:
  1. Go and see your dad on your own, lie next to him if you can and tell him everything you want to. Tell yourself he can hear you.
  2. Your mum has forfeited any expectations of you because of her past behaviour and refusal to acknowledge it now. Now may not be the time for recriminations with her but tell her you can’t stay and put your baby and own health at risk and you need to go home.
  3. I really hope your father recovers but either way do not visit again without your husband, especially if your brother lives with your mum. If he doesn’t then refuse to see him again. You don’t need your child(ren) exposing to that sort of toxicity.
  4. If you want a relationship with your mum going forward then I think maybe she should visit you and she owes you time to hear you out about your past. If she freshest to acknowledge or apologise for it, decide if you want her in your life at all.

God bless and go home. X

This is lovely advice! Thank you for taking the time to write it.

We can’t go alone, apparently it’s only in groups due to covid but they have quite rooms so whilst we are in the hospital at the same time, I won’t physically be in the same place as my brother. Thank you for helping me think about this.

I wish my husband could be here so much, but he’s got our eldest who is a toddler and lives 3/4 hrs away. I couldn’t leave my child with my mother or brother and sadly there is no one else, so he has to stay put.

But you are all right, I need to go home. I need to feel replenished, loved and safe. My child also needs me and is distressed by my absence

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 10:56

Well, whenever it started he didn't help.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse but in toxic relationships there's often a good cop bad cop

Your dad left you and he didn't help when you were abused by your mum. Sometimes it's helpful to realise these things rather than putting someone on a pedestal.

Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 10:57

God I wouldn't think twice about getting out and going back to your own lovely family.

notasillysausage · 14/07/2021 11:07

He sounds a grade A arsehole. No amount of talking to him will change him, so ignore, ignore, ignore!

This sounds like such a stressful situation for you and it’s showing through your body. If I were in your position, I would have some time with my dad and say what I needed to say and then go home to my family.

SilverTotoro · 14/07/2021 11:18

OP you are not at fault in any way in this scenario and as others have said you’ve given too much to those who have not had your best interests at heart. Go home to your DH and LO and look after yourself - your DF will have known you were there and that you love him and I’m sure he would rather you now prioritised yourself and your baby. please ignore some of the frankly disgusting comments on here which have tried to excuse violent and abusive behaviour - it’s never ok - no excuses. Flowers

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 11:27

Oh I know my dad isn’t a hero and made a lot of mistakes, i just wanted to make it clear on the thread he wasn’t a deadbeat or one of those dads that just walked out.

OP posts:
Namenic · 14/07/2021 11:32

Unfortunately he is mean and there is nothing you can do about it. Ignore everything he says and don’t depend on him for anything. You just concentrate on your dad and mum. Sorry you are in that situation. I had sibling that had anger outbursts, but had calmed down in his 30s.

Namenic · 14/07/2021 11:35

Do look after yourself with your pregnancy though - especially in the hospital/Itu setting. I’m sure your dad would want you to keep safe and have a smooth pregnancy.

pickingdaisies · 14/07/2021 16:17

OP, go and tell your dad you love him, then go home. You are still in the middle of this abusive dynamic, your mum will never help you because you are still the scapegoat and your brother is still her golden child. She is still abusing you by allowing him to abuse you. Go home my lovely. It's time to protect your unborn baby and to put your own family first.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 14/07/2021 16:35

A small update for anyone who’s interested, DF actually had a very good night to the extent that they took him off life support and all his stats are the same, very positive. He’s no where out of the woods yet and he’s very poorly but it’s night and day from yesterday.

I’ve been avoiding my brother, he’s unfortunately had an outburst again but I wasn’t there for that.

OP posts:
PollyPepper · 14/07/2021 16:42

@Royalbloo

Maybe he's just not coping with it all? Sounds like he's in a world of his own pain to me?
Or he's just thinking about the will. Hmm
pickingdaisies · 14/07/2021 17:27

Wow, wonderful update OP, your dad is a fighter! Flowers