To have kept DD8 off school because I can't afford a costume?

[Barkus]

Every term there is a new Class Topic and a dress up day where the whole class is required to turn up to school in costume.

If you're not a crafty Mary Poppins-esque supermum who can produce a hand made costume over a weekend, you are forced to purchase a costume (usually from Amazon in the range of £12-£25).

AIBU to have kept DD off today because I am not a crafty supermum and cannot possibly afford the costume.

When I say we live hand to mouth I am being literal...no spare money, no spare clothes.

And yet on threads you say you’re crap with money and impulse buy stuff for your latest obsession/hobby/course/whatever and youre looking to pay a private practice to get an ADHD diagnosis.

@Aposterhasnoname

When I say we live hand to mouth I am being literal...no spare money, no spare clothes.

And yet on threads you say you’re crap with money and impulse buy stuff for your latest obsession/hobby/course/whatever and youre looking to pay a private practice to get an ADHD diagnosis.

Oh dear.

My DC's primary school don't do dress up days at all because of this. Or school photos. Or anything that could put stigma about affordability onto parents. It's in a very deprived area and around half, maybe even more children get fsm. Part of me is glad because I avoid hassle and DS has ASD and isn't keen anyway.

Christ almighty I hate school dressing up days. There are other ways for the kids to have "fun" in school around the theme of the day without doing costumes, and there are other places they can play dressing up. It is not essential to their development or education or enjoyment, and it incurs a cost, whether of money or time, to the parents.

OF COURSE you can love your children and centre their needs without wanting to waste time, money, and clothing on this particular thing; you may think your time and attention is better spent on other aspects of parenting.

I'm lucky enough to be crafty and to be a dedicated charity shop crawler, so I usually can and do throw something together when necessary. But it's ridiculous for schools to continue doing so many of these when it is so unnecessary and, for some families, problematic.

(And while I admire the ingenuity of the "tear holes in clothes/write on a t-shirt" costumers, the environmental cost of that isn't nil, either--those are clothes that in many cases could have been passed onto other children when outgrown and continued their useful life, rather than being good for nothing more than rags. Still better than ordering something new off Amazon, but it still has an environmental downside.)

AssassinatedBeauty

It's not "making up excuses", it's being overwhelmed and having lots more important things to worry about.

Look, I am in the very fortunate position of being able to afford the things that are asked for, or to be able to afford to make a home made version fairly competently. But I find it sometimes a bit overwhelming to have to manage 2 different children's schedules and organise these things. Because I'm busy with work, or worried about a family issue, or any other similar reason. It's natural to worry about whether your child will fit in, especially if there are already reasons why they might sometimes be noticeably different.

Schools should be perfectly capable of considering what demands their requests place on parents. The default parent shouldn't be a well off middle class parent - all activities should be suitable for children whatever their current home situation is without stigmatising them. It makes me very cross that some schools don't seem to have any idea about the range of home situations their children may experience.

This understanding and kindness is so important.
It totally sums up the bigger picture.

As a non-parent and former poor child this sounds like a nightmare. If schools think dressing up has some value and connects to the topics covered why don't teachers plan to include designing, planning and making costumes, scenarios etc as part of lessons. I can see many ways it could connect to the curriculum: costume and artefact history, arts and crafts, design, maths for measuring, understanding body size and movement, adjusted for age of the child of course.

I think YANBU but I wish you would speak to the school - I have sympathy my kids primary used to shame parents for buying costumes - they all toes the line so when I complained I got shrugged shoulders and told that was the rule I had no choice.

we had a world book day dilemma, found the letter at the bottom of the bookbag, an hour before school started. Son was sent wearing a black bin bag and big leaves stuck to his sandals- Stig of the Dump.

I take issue with the idea that you have to be on the poverty line to not want to spend loads on costume after costume!

I "could" spend 30 on a costume. Bit it would probably still be crap or looked down upon because it wasn't home made - poor kids have both parents who work. I would rather spend my time and money on a day out at the weekend. For the same price we could get family entry to a roman villa for Romans day. I know what I would rather do .

To me, financial responsibility is making the assessment of "do I need it" and "is what I would get out of it worth the money"

@TimeForTeaAndG

YABU to think you are being forced to do this. Presumably it's a fun thing for the children and you do what you can. There will always be super crafty parents and those who go out of their way to show off through their child but keeping your child off school because of a dress up day is ridiculous.

I'm super crafty and enjoy making outfits. I'm not showing off through my child. How jealous and spiteful.

Another one who would suggest Facebook pages - I know our local ones in a very affluent area but not all are, there are multiple requests for costumes, and knowing some of the people who post the requests it is most definitely not those who are on the poverty line. Just people who ask if anyone has something so it can be reused.

@UserAtLarge

We never bought a costume. You can usually fabricate something from their existing clothes and things round the house. School made a point of saying they absolutely didn't expect people to spend money on what's meant to be a fun day. What a shame for DD to miss it.

Agree with this - lods of kids came to school with hand drawn England flags pinned onto their tops, 3 lions face paints etc, creativity doesn't need to cost much. What a shame for DD

In the situation you describe OP, YANBU. I really hope your financial situation improves

Gosh I really hate the dressing up days. It is the ONLY thing my DDs school actually rewards. There is a prize for the kid whose parent makes the best costume (a domestic goddess SAHM wins every time). But the kids who do well in Maths or Literacy or who can run fast can forget it. No reward or recognition for that.

@thenovice

Gosh I really hate the dressing up days. It is the ONLY thing my DDs school actually rewards. There is a prize for the kid whose parent makes the best costume (a domestic goddess SAHM wins every time). But the kids who do well in Maths or Literacy or who can run fast can forget it. No reward or recognition for that.

We had the same family win the same prize every year - it was the parents who did the work...no idea what goes through the minds of teachers when they do stupid shit like this...are they so lacking in self awareness?

This does seem an exceptional request op. I actually think more parents should be complaining to the school.

As an aside, have you double checked you're getting every penny of benefits that you're entitled to?

Agree with this - lods of kids came to school with hand drawn England flags pinned onto their tops, 3 lions face paints etc, creativity doesn't need to cost much. What a shame for DD thing is of yours isn't a school where lots of kids do this, and you're the one in normal clothes with a piece of paper sellotaped to you, it's embarrassing. For the World Cup you had a mix of football shirts, kids like mine in normal but correct coloured clothes and a few white t-shirts with hand drawn lions / football stuff on. But that still requires a spare white top. Face paint costs too. Op nearly couldn't feed her child, that's the tragedy, not missing out on titanic dress up day

Perhaps direct the school to this site.

Imagine already feeling shit because you couldn’t afford a fancy dress costume for your children or because you didn’t have food for the packed lunch and then you come on here and read some of these replies!

Do you honestly think posting about parents who buy alcohol over food or not having the inclination to ask for help is useful?

Sometimes mumsnet is just fucking awful!!!

Why don't you get free school meals OP?

People came to school with hand drawn England flags etc because schools told kids last minute they could wear England shirts! I'm sure if they all had more time ( well a certain percentage) everybody would have gotten the latest gear!

The constant dress up days in primary school is pathetic and rubbish. So much waste going to landfill. Hope they're aware of what clothes waste is doing to the world. We never had this back in the 90s. It was just a one off non uniform day.

Vampire good one, only need two spots on neck and some artful makeup, draw fangs on bottom lip. No cost and fun.

Schools should have dress up box, donate old clean costumes. I'm going to fancy dress garden party, everyone buying really expensive gear, mine was a £1 from charity shop. Never bought a costume, never will, I've been french resistance, laloo ( fifth element) vampire and now a ghost pirate.

@faithfulbird20

The constant dress up days in primary school is pathetic and rubbish. So much waste going to landfill. Hope they're aware of what clothes waste is doing to the world. We never had this back in the 90s. It was just a one off non uniform day.

People need to take personal responsibility roo though. We buy 2nd hand where we can. Or adapt from pur existing dress up box, something 5hat can be used more than once etc, kept for next sibling or passed on to charity shop