To have kept DD8 off school because I can't afford a costume?

[Barkus]

Every term there is a new Class Topic and a dress up day where the whole class is required to turn up to school in costume.

If you're not a crafty Mary Poppins-esque supermum who can produce a hand made costume over a weekend, you are forced to purchase a costume (usually from Amazon in the range of £12-£25).

AIBU to have kept DD off today because I am not a crafty supermum and cannot possibly afford the costume.

Can you speak to the school? I know the day has passed this time round, but if they know this is a problem for you (and possibly other families too) they might rethink it. Or very possibly have something they could loan/give to you for you child to wear.
I know you say you are not crafty, but the costumes I admire most on the school run on days like this are the ones that are thought out of the box and require minimal effort. Eg carrying a sign, or wearing a symbolic colour. There’s one mum who always sends her child in a cardboard box with either a message or photos cut out of old magazines on it in keeping with the theme.

Then honestly for things like world book day you send her in in her own clothes and tell her she's the female character from whatever she enjoys reading at the moment (the girl from Roald Dahls "The magic finger " is a good one if you've read it. You never find out her name".) For anything more complicated or specialised speak to the school. There is no shame in not having the time or money to cruise charity shops or buy that off Amazon.

Good, all these bright and breezy "just go to the charity shop/ruin a piece of your clothing/run something up using equipment you have to buy/beg on Facebook responses are making me want to weep.
People have no idea, and if I was OP I'd be wanting to reach through the screen and throttle them.

@LemonWeb

this is rubbish. I hope your DD has a nice day at home. I think some PPs are failing to understand the emotional energy needed to fight the school on this: how humiliating it is to have to tell the school that you can’t do this and risk a brush-off from staff.

I get it. If you are stretched to put food on the table then you’re not going to have spare to felt-tip pen perfectly good clothes or find new stuff just for a dress-up day.

Absolutely.

Yep. This is about poverty and the exclusion that arises from that, not frigging glue guns.

Op I know I said to speak to the school but actually I probably wouldn't either, in your situation. I certainly didn't when struggling myself. I didn't want them to know that I couldn't provide what they were asking for.

What is the theme?

You forgot to add patronising!!
See the poster 'knows people' with no money, but that post reeks of someone who had never been on the breadline themselves.

I have enough money now but grew up in a home where there was absolutely no spare money for this stuff. It was always a home made job.

The point is it's not always about money but time. Our school has gone as far as specifying no bought outfits on occasion, the homework being to make one - I'm a working mum and exceptionally time poor, im also NOT crafty mum either, so no it's not easy finding the time or stuff to cobble something together. Ive learned the hard way to save a couple of cardboard boxes for last minute props! I'm the first to admit I've often sent mine in something that is quite crap because I'm not very creative! I find the DC will defend the outfit loads more if i basically let them do as much of the making as possible.

I get the emotional toll it can take to tackle these things but if as the OP says it's a reoccurring issue then she needs to try to tackle it, as dodging just creates other issues.
I'm physically disabled through chronic illness and have spent years expending energy I don't have explaining why I can't do something or need to do something differently and this not only affects me it affects what my kids do. Schools can be amazingly oblivious to challenges even though they should know better but there is no way they will get better unless they are challenged to do something about it.
Speak to them, write to them, send a message through a friendly ally, speak to the class teacher/ head/ parent governors - approach it in a way you feel you can deal with but deal with it because as you say it's a regular thing and it's not going away.
Be blunt if you need to be, sometimes it's the only way.

@Barkus

When I say we live hand to mouth I am being literal...no spare money, no spare clothes.

Firstly, this takes a lot of courage to share on a forum so please, please talk to someone about the situation. I know you are in a rural setting but there are food banks and other services that can support you. Secondly, I have been where you are and it is horrible. I can see but my daughter always had the homemade Elsa costume whilst everyone else bought. Parents look down on you and think they are better. That judgement on top of everything else is awful. If you know that dress up is coming every term, can the school let you know the themes for the year in advance? I would write to the head teacher and chair of governors and basically explain that the termly dress up costs is causing added stress and that to try to accommodate these you would like advance notice, i.e. at the start of the academic year not a week before. This way you can choose how to respond either by keeping her off or by trying to find a way to get a costume together. To all posters on here who are able to donate costumes, please consider how to pass on once used, I have a friend whose child is in the year below my daughter and so I always pass on to her. TBH, she can afford to but them herself, but she also passed on and so paying it forward to others.

It does sound odd to some people that there would be no wayo accommodate these dress up days, but to have to the head space in one week to organise this takes spare money, which the OP does not have.
Sending hugs to you OP, you are doing a tough job, much love.

I can sew...but I can't spell

Am I the only one whose school specifically told us that we weren't allowed to wear normal clothes and claim to be a character from a contemporary book ?

@MoreAloneTime

Am I the only one whose school specifically told us that we weren't allowed to wear normal clothes and claim to be a character from a contemporary book ?

I would hope your school was in the minority. For many families wearing normal clothes is the only option for financial reasons. Also for many children with additional needs fancy dress costumes are overwhelming and uncomfortable, meaning they would be unable to participate if normal clothes were banned

@saraclara

Good, all these bright and breezy "just go to the charity shop/ruin a piece of your clothing/run something up using equipment you have to buy/beg on Facebook responses are making me want to weep. People have no idea, and if I was OP I'd be wanting to reach through the screen and throttle them.

Sadly, many of the parents who plead poverty still manage to buy alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sky TV, broadband, and takeaways, etc,though.

Imo there are very few genuinely who could not cobble together an outfit using old sheets etc.

Given the op doesn't work, she's certainly got the time. Just no inclination.

And maybe, if in such a difficult situation, the focus of this thread needs to turn to op being proactive in with getting herself into a position that she can manage to work and contribute to the household's income to provide for her children so they're not missing out? Adhd does not mean cannot work! Very few conditions do mean this!

@Mollymoostoo
The outline of the curriculum plans will all be in the school website, so every parent can and should know what their children are studying.

@BusyLizzie61 OP says she as ADHD and mental health problems. I imagine it's the latter that is the problem. And none of us is in any position to tell her that she can work if she really wants to.

My husband had to stop working due to MH issues. He was desperate to get well and work again, but every attempt he made actually made things worse. I could cry remembering the courage it took him to try, and what each attempt did to him.

I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who tells a stranger with MH issues, that they could work if they really tried.

@saraclara

Good, all these bright and breezy "just go to the charity shop/ruin a piece of your clothing/run something up using equipment you have to buy/beg on Facebook responses are making me want to weep. People have no idea, and if I was OP I'd be wanting to reach through the screen and throttle them.

Exactly. I've been in OP's shoes. One particular year it contributed to a breakdown. I had 3 in primary. Separated from their dad and received no maintenance.

One WBD, I did "cobble together" an Oliver Twist for dc2. He didn't have the confidence of his siblings. He was heartbroken and ridiculed by his classmates in their Disney shop outfits. He's now an adult and I still have flashbacks of feeling an absolute shit mother.

To the smugs with PFB in pre school - I've been in your shoes too. My eldest had a whole dressing up box and I had the time and patience to also put something together. Money wasn't tight. I had a career.
I did not plan on being a lone parent with mental health problems, living on instant noodles. But there you go.

@BusyLizzie61 you disgust me. I usually wouldn't wish my mental illness, or poverty, on anyone. With you, I make an exception.

Sadly, many of the parents who plead poverty still manage to buy alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sky TV, broadband, and takeaways, etc,though.

Are you actually accusing the OP of this, or just throwing it around with your ill-informed comments about working disabilities?

It's a bit sad if you feel too grand to just ASK to borrow something.

Titanic is easy
Just borrow a pair of braces,
or borrow a sailor's hat
borrow a cane and draw a moustache
a maid outfit

the list is endless.

Sadly, many of the parents who plead poverty still manage to buy alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sky TV, broadband, and takeaways, etc,though.

Imo there are very few genuinely who could not cobble together an outfit using old sheets etc.

Given the op doesn't work, she's certainly got the time. Just no inclination.

And maybe, if in such a difficult situation, the focus of this thread needs to turn to op being proactive in with getting herself into a position that she can manage to work and contribute to the household's income to provide for her children so they're not missing out? Adhd does not mean cannot work! Very few conditions do mean this!

@BusyLizzie61 Can you be anymore ignorant?

Put down the Daily Fail and educate yourself on poverty, disability etc

Just wow.

I understand completely what you are going through @Barkus it's shit. There are organisations out there that can help you, foodbank etc. Please don't be embarrassed about asking for help. I used to volunteer with a local food bank and they are there to help and we were aware of other organisations available for additional support.

@onlyhereforthecake

It's a bit sad if you feel too grand to just ASK to borrow something.

Titanic is easy
Just borrow a pair of braces,
or borrow a sailor's hat
borrow a cane and draw a moustache
a maid outfit

the list is endless.

Haha. And how many families struggling with real hardship do you think know someone who would have those items, especially on the day the whole school needs them 😆

This is exactly the issue. People can't comprehend lives that aren't exactly.like their.

@MoreAloneTime

Am I the only one whose school specifically told us that we weren't allowed to wear normal clothes and claim to be a character from a contemporary book ?

now THAT is ridiculous! what's wrong with contemporary books for a start!

Cooldryplace

I said ASK.
I don't have any of these items, but I can ASK around. I am not too proud when it's about my kid.

And if you see a post on a local group, and immediately make assumption about my financial situation, I couldn't care less. It's such a ridiculous thing to do, it's your problem, not mine.

Titanic is easy
Just borrow a pair of braces,
or borrow a sailor's hat
borrow a cane and draw a moustache
a maid outfit

Perhaps OP doesn't know anyone with braces, a sailor's hat, a cane, or a maids outfit. She could ask but none of her friends necessarily have these.

Perhaps OP doesn't know anyone with braces

how would you know until you ask, how would you find any alternative ideas and suggestions local to you until you ask?

It's quicker to ask for help than make up all sorts of excuses.