To have kept DD8 off school because I can't afford a costume?

[Barkus]

Every term there is a new Class Topic and a dress up day where the whole class is required to turn up to school in costume.

If you're not a crafty Mary Poppins-esque supermum who can produce a hand made costume over a weekend, you are forced to purchase a costume (usually from Amazon in the range of £12-£25).

AIBU to have kept DD off today because I am not a crafty supermum and cannot possibly afford the costume.

Am I the only one whose school specifically told us that we weren't allowed to wear normal clothes and claim to be a character from a contemporary book

Surely most characters in books just wear normal clothes. Maybe a little old fashioned depending on when the book was written. World Book Day is meant to encourage reading yet now seems to go more with film characters than anything else.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP, it sucks. In the absence of a school having a dress up box for anyone who needs it on the day (unusual but they absolutely should), literally send kids in in whatever mufti they already own and literally call them (any character) from the Famous Five or Horrid Henry, or Percy Jackson,or basically anyone that just wears their normal clothes. End of

how would you know until you ask, how would you find any alternative ideas and suggestions local to you until you ask?

It's quicker to ask for help than make up all sorts of excuses.

Yes, she could ask. She could ask a variety of people and the answer could still be no, or people would not bother to reply. Unless a close friend or relative, I doubt anyone is that invested in a random child's dress up day. It all seems an effort which could be a wasted effort, whereas it only takes a second to think of an excuse and you don't have to bother anyone else in order to do so.

It's not "making up excuses", it's being overwhelmed and having lots more important things to worry about.

Look, I am in the very fortunate position of being able to afford the things that are asked for, or to be able to afford to make a home made version fairly competently. But I find it sometimes a bit overwhelming to have to manage 2 different children's schedules and organise these things. Because I'm busy with work, or worried about a family issue, or any other similar reason. It's natural to worry about whether your child will fit in, especially if there are already reasons why they might sometimes be noticeably different.

Schools should be perfectly capable of considering what demands their requests place on parents. The default parent shouldn't be a well off middle class parent - all activities should be suitable for children whatever their current home situation is without stigmatising them. It makes me very cross that some schools don't seem to have any idea about the range of home situations their children may experience.

CecilyP

it's sad you see efforts for a child being a waste of time, and it's really not my experience that people refuse to help.

My local groups have regular requests for costume (and many other things), and always far more replies than they need. I can't see why my area would be more helpful than other parts of the UK.

If you spend your life not bothering to try anything, because the outcome might not be positive, or the answer might be no, you will never get anywhere. Might as well not bother with uni exams, job interviews etc.

very sad.

No I would not have kept the children home but I would have asked advice from the teacher. Presumably you weren't asked at less that 24 hours notice? I can't sew, never bought a costume and wouldn't on ethical grounds. Like @twoleftelbows I used belted oversized tshirts from charity shops (or my husband's) and a pair of black leggings with headbands and ears / tinsel / whatever

Yes YABU. You could have posted a thread asking for costume ideas on a shoestring for whatever the theme is. There is always something that's possible. By keeping DD off school she is missing out on a fun day and if you've told her it's because you can't afford a costume that will be worse for her self esteem than if she'd just gone in wearing a bin bag as a cloak with a lightning bolt painted on her forehead or whatever.

I have been on the breadline myself and I do understand how terrifying and demoralising it is living hand to mouth but in this case I think you should have tried to come up with something to avoid your DD missing out.

The comment about a lot of people still buying fags and alcohol is actually correct. There’s a lot of breadline people who do this and I’m confused as to why there’s some arguing it.
She’s not saying (as far as I’m aware) all people in this situation are like it.
There’s also an argument that if you can’t afford to do the extras for your kids, stop having more than one.

Might as well not bother with uni exams, job interviews etc.

Sounds like a bit of a leap!

@onlyhereforthecake

It's a bit sad if you feel too grand to just ASK to borrow something.

Titanic is easy
Just borrow a pair of braces,
or borrow a sailor's hat
borrow a cane and draw a moustache
a maid outfit

the list is endless.

I agree. The issue is about inclination. And I think there are multiple elements of the op's posts that she's got no inclination to try! Very sad for her children.

@Fangsalot89

The comment about a lot of people still buying fags and alcohol is actually correct. There’s a lot of breadline people who do this and I’m confused as to why there’s some arguing it. She’s not saying (as far as I’m aware) all people in this situation are like it. There’s also an argument that if you can’t afford to do the extras for your kids, stop having more than one.

Exactly!

Have a read of this useful research into myths around poverty:

oxfamilibrary.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10546/306526/rr-truth-and-lies-about-poverty-101213-en.pdf;jsessionid=89F03889F78844E04820D5FD4751DBBA?sequence=1

It is just not the case that people experiencing poverty are likely to be spending their money on non-essentials like alcohol and cigarettes.

And the idea of "amazing costumes" for Primary.. it's not fancy dress at Buckingham Palace.

Whatever they are wearing need to allow easy access to the loo, to sit down comfortably, to run, to tolerate rain or heat wave, to be kept on all day, to see where they are going!

That basically shortens the list of reasonable costumes drastically.

The problem with borrowing braces or a sailor's cap or whatever from a friend is that if your child loses it or ruins it, then you have to pay full price to replace it. Our primary can't be the only one that gives kids permanent markers to use? I wouldn't take that risk.

Personally for a Titanic theme, I'd have done blue jeans and a blue T-shirt (or green or even white to represent foam if no blue top) and claimed to be the sea. I'd have done the triangular shape of the last bit of sinking ship from a cereal box and put that on a cardboard headband. But I'm not fussed about it looking great and my kids share my environmental and financial objections to buying costumes for just one day and they prefer to be in actual clothes and be comfortable rather than feeling itchy in the badly sewn, nylon Amazon outfits anyway. So there's no angst over it in my household. It's harder if your child worries about fitting in.

This is a shame
I once spent till midnight painting medals 🏅 that I stuck onto a jacket so he would look like a military captain

Cost 💲 0

I remember going round the supermarket once a month on payday with my mum, with a calculator, and when we reached the budget we stopped buying. We had sleeping bag tea parties as an obvious cover for turning the heating off.

My second hand uniforms were ridiculed and my non-brand clothes on dress down days were laughed at. I thank the gods that this sort of dress up wasn’t around when I was a kid, I’d rather have stayed home than take the shit.

Kids are cruel. I faked a sicky more than once to avoid something at school where our poverty would be obvious.

No judgement from me OP.

@Purpletomato

The problem with borrowing braces or a sailor's cap or whatever from a friend is that if your child loses it or ruins it, then you have to pay full price to replace it. Our primary can't be the only one that gives kids permanent markers to use? I wouldn't take that risk.

Personally for a Titanic theme, I'd have done blue jeans and a blue T-shirt (or green or even white to represent foam if no blue top) and claimed to be the sea. I'd have done the triangular shape of the last bit of sinking ship from a cereal box and put that on a cardboard headband. But I'm not fussed about it looking great and my kids share my environmental and financial objections to buying costumes for just one day and they prefer to be in actual clothes and be comfortable rather than feeling itchy in the badly sewn, nylon Amazon outfits anyway. So there's no angst over it in my household. It's harder if your child worries about fitting in.

Aren't the costumes a fire hazard anyway

Lots of the usual on here.

OP please have a giggle at some of the daft replies rather than getting upset.

But PLEASE talk to school and let them know how this makes you feel. It's likely that they have no idea, and also likely that they can help.

No doubt some teachers' response will be (as here) a 'couldn't you just ....' but you can't be the only parent who feels like this and just letting them know could help

it's easy to call people daft, but these daft parents are the ones who send their kids to school to have a fun day 🤷

The one irritating costume day thing not already mentioned on this thread is also when the school changes their mind!

Last year we made a "your favourite book" WBD costume with DC over half term and then on the first day back were told that there was now going to be a whole school theme of something totally different, so we had to bin the costume we'd already spent time and money on and amazon prime a new thing in the three days notice we now had.

This idea of a whole-school topic was apparently to save parents hassle, though apart from the short notice it also that meant people couldn't borrow things from older siblings/other parents as everyone had to be dressed in the same theme, so if anyone had a pre-existing costume they were using it themselves.

@AssassinatedBeauty

Have a read of this useful research into myths around poverty:

oxfamilibrary.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10546/306526/rr-truth-and-lies-about-poverty-101213-en.pdf;jsessionid=89F03889F78844E04820D5FD4751DBBA?sequence=1

It is just not the case that people experiencing poverty are likely to be spending their money on non-essentials like alcohol and cigarettes.

This could be good reading for you too: Analysis of UK Government data carried out for ASH shows that the high cost of tobacco is driving over a million people into poverty. The analysis shows that: » 447,000 households in the UK are currently living in poverty due to the cost of tobacco. » Around 1,011,000 people – including 263,000 children – live in poverty as a direct result of income lost to tobacco. » 143,000 pensioners are pushed into poverty by the cost of tobacco, which increases the proportion of pensioners living in poverty from 14.9% to 26.5%. » A third (31.3%) of households which include at least one person who smokes live in poverty, which would reduce to one in five (22.3%) if income lost to tobacco was returned. There are significant differences in smoking-related poverty by housing tenure. After smoking costs are taken into account: » The proportion of social housing tenants living in poverty increases from around a quarter (28.3%) to two in every five (42.8%). » The proportion of private tenants living in poverty increases from 22.6% to 28.4%. » The proportion of owner occupiers living in poverty increases from 17.2% to 24.2%. In average households which include at least one person who smokes: » Owner occupiers lose more than £2,800 per year to tobacco – 6.9% of their disposable income.* » Social renters lose more than £2,600 per year to tobacco – 14.6% of their disposable income. » Private renters lose more than £2,100 per year to tobacco – 5.8% of their disposable income.

What the fuck has the price of tobacco got to do with the OPs situation?

Because people seem determined that the OP is experiencing financial difficulties because of feckless and profligate behaviour, and that this is the reason for poverty more generally.

But the OP hasn't even mentioned that she smoked