To have kept DD8 off school because I can't afford a costume?

[Barkus]

Every term there is a new Class Topic and a dress up day where the whole class is required to turn up to school in costume.

If you're not a crafty Mary Poppins-esque supermum who can produce a hand made costume over a weekend, you are forced to purchase a costume (usually from Amazon in the range of £12-£25).

AIBU to have kept DD off today because I am not a crafty supermum and cannot possibly afford the costume.

Might mean half term which is 6. Too much, we only had world book day once a year when I was at school.

@FreekStar2

There's only 3 terms a year!

There may only be three terms, but it's likely these are not the only dress up days per year. The Op says these are themed dress up days relating to the topic. I would also assume the school also have other days which require outfits. Like world book day, Children in Need, red nose day, Christmas Jumper day etc. So it's possible there are many more days which the OP and other parents feel the pressure to buy a new outfit / costume.

It's one day and it won't do any harm long term. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I understand that you don't want to mess up an okay t-shirt and make it unwearable in future and that you might not have stuff lying around that you can whip up into a costume. Don't take any notice of posters who are being self righteous. Of course you should prioritise having food over some silly costume that some bird-brained teacher has decided will enhance learning in some unspecified manner.

Whilst I think you really could have cobbled something together - the dress with a shawl idea is good - hearing the theme makes me think I wouldn’t have bothered either.
I mean, I know Titanic is interesting/popular, and I know it was a long time ago, but isn’t that in really poor taste?? I mean, a lot of people died, it was a tragedy, it’s hardly respectful?? Maybe I’m too sensitive.

6x a year is too much, but it's also too much to be giving your kid the day off everytime.

I would talk to the school, they might be more sympathetic than you think.

This thread makes me feel slightly sad. The number of people who basically think all dress up occasions must be got rid of because a handful of parents don't have the wherewithal/inclination to give up an hour of their evening to sit with their child and make a couple of cardboard props/decorate an old teeshirt/fold a bed sheet and pin it in a few places. Every school I know rewards this heavily over bought costumes and makes it clear bought ones are not the aim.

What's going to be next? No sports days, because it pressures parents to provide trainers, a teeshirt & shorts? No choirs, because parents can't be expected to put in a little time to help kids practise the songs at home? No having any fun of any kind because a minority of parents think it's a bit too hard?

If you choose to have kids that does come with an expectation (surely) that you are going to sacrifice quite a bit of your precious time & pretty much all your money on them.

I've never met anyone in real life who has this view (and yes, I do know plenty of people making ends meet on sod all money). The local buy sell group does a roaring trade in requests for stuff!

Plenty sacrifice time in other ways, taking kids to clubs, work, learning instruments, multiple children, homework.

Making stuff is just a faff I can live without and I'm cash rich but time short.

I really thing Op needs to speak with the school.

If these dress up days are so essential to learning the school needs to keep some costumes that some of the kids can borrow when they don't have anything suitable at home.

That statistic on World Book Day being one of the most common days to be absent is also really depressing.

Yes that's right.

@welliesarefuntowear

I a,so think Yabu. No one expects a perfect costume. Me and the kids always made something at home and it was never great. I sent my son as flat Stanley one year in a cardboard box. I made a space helmet out of a plastic bowel and gaffer tape. A Cheshire Cat. That was the leg of an old pair of tights stuffed with some bubble wrap and newspaper and a cardboard smile sellotaped to a chopstick. It does not have to be a perfect costume. Anything will do.

It's not about having a perfect costume.

It's about the fact that we have literally no spare change, no spare clothes to ruin. I don't have a long dress that DD could have worn or a shawl.

Every time there's one of these dress up days the vast majority of parents have bought outfits because they are too busy or not creative enough to 'cobble together' specific themed outfits.

DD would have been mortified to turn up with a bit of cardboard stuck to her chest or whatever. Would have stuck out like a sore thumb.

I don't give a shit what people think of our attempts at dress up but I do give a shit when it affects DDs self esteem.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

This thread makes me feel slightly sad. The number of people who basically think all dress up occasions must be got rid of because a handful of parents don't have the wherewithal/inclination to give up an hour of their evening to sit with their child and make a couple of cardboard props/decorate an old teeshirt/fold a bed sheet and pin it in a few places. Every school I know rewards this heavily over bought costumes and makes it clear bought ones are not the aim.

What's going to be next? No sports days, because it pressures parents to provide trainers, a teeshirt & shorts? No choirs, because parents can't be expected to put in a little time to help kids practise the songs at home? No having any fun of any kind because a minority of parents think it's a bit too hard?

If you choose to have kids that does come with an expectation (surely) that you are going to sacrifice quite a bit of your precious time & pretty much all your money on them.

I've never met anyone in real life who has this view (and yes, I do know plenty of people making ends meet on sod all money). The local buy sell group does a roaring trade in requests for stuff!

You sound incredibly ignorant and/or privileged.

YABU - I agree that there is a lot of dress up days but if you post on Facebook someone will have something. I haven't read the full thread but it doesn't look like you've tried an alternative to Amazon? Most of my friends can afford costumes but always ask if anyone has anything because they are a waste of money anyway!

this is rubbish. I hope your DD has a nice day at home. I think some PPs are failing to understand the emotional energy needed to fight the school on this: how humiliating it is to have to tell the school that you can’t do this and risk a brush-off from staff.

I get it. If you are stretched to put food on the table then you’re not going to have spare to felt-tip pen perfectly good clothes or find new stuff just for a dress-up day.

I would invest in a small face paint kit. I have on previous occasions used these as an alternative to fancy dress costumes. Also if you have friends with kids ask them to keep fancy clothes related items when they get small so you can use them. It is hard and there are so many things especially primary school based: fancy dress for topics, world book day, Halloween, Christmas jumper day, Easter bunny theme etc etc that it all adds up and does indeed stress parents out.

You sound incredibly ignorant and/or privileged

You forgot to add patronising!!

See the poster 'knows people' with no money, but that post reeks of someone who had never been on the breadline themselves.

I think it's called wilful ignorance.

Fwiw OP I think you done the right thing.

It's all well and good telling people to ask around or post a request on local Facebook but when you're time poor as well its a load of extra stress you don't need especially when it's been dumped on you last minute.

If you don't have a car and you're pressed for time you might not have the time to trail round charity shops (don't they close at 5?) or drive to someone's house to pick up an old shawl.

How nice it would be to be privileged and have my 3 year old on grade 8 piano lessons and being a falsetto in the choir. I mean get real pp, the struggle is real.. I had to ask my daughters nursery not to invoice me for a 5 week month in August as my daughter receives no funding in August and the cost of 5 weeks would've cleared my wage completely. It's humiliating and it dents your pride. I feel for op, people like us don't know what it feels like to have lots of disposable income to waste on fancy dress costumes.

Ask on group chat - im sure someone has an older sibling that used one.

It's just a bit of fun. I usually rustle something up out of old clothes or charity shop bits. We've just done 1940s from one of my old dresses and vikings day were leggings, leg warmers and a fake fur gillet for £2 from the charity shop.

I would say give it a go. Its part of the fun - the kids love rummaging in the charity shop and putting something together. The amazon standard costume is the easy way out. Just have some fun with it. Kids won't be happy always missing the dress up because mum keeps them off

it’s humiliating and dents your pride

That’s what soooooo many don’t get, isn’t it?

Kids won't be happy always missing the dress up because mum keeps them off

Some children hate dress up days and would absolutely prefer the day off. It's also depends on the age of the children. When they're younger in Reception / year 1 they may not mind so much about having a costume made up of random clothes / a cobbled together outfit. However, aged 8, many children don't want to stand out, and it can be difficult if everyone else is wearing a shop bought costume.

@MoreAloneTime

It's all well and good telling people to ask around or post a request on local Facebook but when you're time poor as well its a load of extra stress you don't need especially when it's been dumped on you last minute.

If you don't have a car and you're pressed for time you might not have the time to trail round charity shops (don't they close at 5?) or drive to someone's house to pick up an old shawl.

Yes exactly. We were sent a 'reminder last week but we're never sent the original notification. I have ADHD and get extremely overwhelmed trying to organise stuff especially last minute. Live in a rural area, rely on car to travel but a lot of time there's barely any fuel in the tank.

People may find this hard to imagine but it is our reality.

Today for example, having to send DD in without packed lunch because we had no money yesterday to get apples and crisps and yoghurts that we had run out of. Luckily DH got paid a day early (gets paid fortnightly on fridays) so I can rush to the garage to put fuel in the car and get to Lidl to grab som bits and drop her packed lunch in to the office before lunch time.

When I say we live hand to mouth I am being literal...no spare money, no spare clothes.

This sounds ridiculous. I'm not looking forward to mine starting school if dressing up is so important and frequent!

I was always the kid in uniform on non-uniform days as we couldn't afford the quid that we had to hand over. I hated it! I'd much rather have stayed off school, but my mum wanted to make a point. I also missed out on pretty much every school trip due to cost.

Completely agree that not everyone has clothes they can just cut up to make costumes etc. We barely had any clothes as kids, let alone spares to ruin for the sake of a costume. Fair enough, clothes are cheaper now than when I was a kid, but it's so wasteful having to change useable clothes into costumes (I'd struggle with this as I'm not crafty).

No OP if you don’t think the school is receptive then I would have kept my child off too

Have you spoken to school about this? And by that I mean explain that you are struggling and why. I know that may be hard and embarrassing but they can't fix a problem they don't know about.
If they pose solutions that still don't work for you, tell them why they don't work.
Your child is unlikely to be the only one without a costume - there is always those who forget, refuse, can't be bothered as well as those who can't afford.
Taking your child out of school does no one any favours and is just as stigmatising as not wearing a costume, probably more so because they are completely left out of something that will be talked about for more than one day.
I know it's hard but if as you say this is a regular thing you need to tackle this head on rather than hoping it'll disappear as a problem by avoiding it.